Unrequited love, mental torture, feeling sick...etc

[richieuk]

This has probably been done a million times on here, but what the hell, i just need to write this somewhere.

Well i'll start from the begining, last year, summer, a new guy started working at my company. Literally his first day there, i started up conversation with him, he looked really lost and a bit like wtf am i doing here? Anyway, straight away i knew we were going to be friends, we had so much in common, liked doing the same things and everything. Btw he's younger than me, im 26, hes 20.

Anyway, at first i wasn't really attracted to him. Since then we have become really good friends, going shopping together, going to the gym, talking over Xbox live while were playing games etc. Now here's where it turns bad...for me anyway...It began a few weeks ago, i started to fall in love with him. I mean, this has happened to me before with random straight guys i've known, but this time it is 100x worse! 2 nights ago for example, we stayed up talking on Xbox til 12 at night, not even playing a game, just talking over it while we were browsing Facebook and things. After i had gone to bed i couldn't sleep, woke up a few times through the night thinking of him! And felt really well, emo the next day at work, couldn't concentrate on anything :\

Oh God, i've probably forgot the most important part - he's straight, though not seeing anyone at the moment, and he knows i'm gay and is awesome about it, he'll even point people out at work or when were out who he thinks i might think is hot.

But anyway, the falling in love thing...I can't stand been apart from him now, it's really bad, i'll feel sick to the stomach when i know i won't see him for a few days if were on different shifts at work or something, even know talking about it i feel like i want to vomit. But as soon as i see him or talk to him i'm on cloud 9 again. The thing is he always wants to talk to me aswel or do something with him. Right now, as i type this he's waiting for me on Xbox live to talk. I just don't think i can handle it like i have before, since before they weren't really good friends of mine, but this guy is!

We're even going to London together for a few days in a few months time to see a show!

Wow, that feels good just getting it out. I guess i'm not looking for advice on what to do next, as i know i'll just have to ride it out for as long as it takes. There's no way i'm going to say any of this to him because he is essentially a really awesome friend who i can talk to about anything, and i can't do with scaring him away!

Ummm, yeah, that's it. I'm going on to XBL now to talk to him ...*sigh*...

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, you have two choices- neither is great because he's a coworker.

1. You can back off slowly and leave him wondering why you're being distant.
2. You can be honest that you need space for a while- it's up to you about exactly how honest you want to be about the reason.

It's not uncommon to develop complicated feelings toward good friends. However, you've hinted that this is a pattern- getting emotionally involved with guys who are unavailable. Maybe it's time you took yourself out from in front of the XBox and instead spent more time dating gay guys who can return your attention?

 

[Ephemeral]

Buddy, I know how you feel.

The want for him when he's not there, the cloud 9 feeling you get when he is, the staying up till 4 in the morning talking online, having so much in common with him, him being totally accepting of you being gay and talking about it.

I'm going through the same thing with a straight friend of mine. It's a horrible thing to feel. It has warped my personality, mood, and way of thinking.

I told my friend my feelings for him twice. Miraculously, we're still friends but my obsessiveness has put a dent in our friendship. I get pissy when he doesn't message much online and his nonchalont attitude makes me more mad. In turn, that makes him mad and distance himself from me.

I may not be the best candidate to talk on this topic, but the best thing to do is do some introspection. Before you can even move on to another guy, find out why you keep falling for and obsessing over guys you clearly can't have.

When you realize and overcome that is when you can move on to find a guy who returns the feelings you have for him.

 

[altlover85]

Great advice from those above me!

I don't have any advice to add yet, but I do have a couple of questions.

Are you out? If you are out, are you dating or have you dated in the past?

 

[greyhorse]

Hi Riche, it is awesome t find someone you really connect with. Hope you can still be friends and enjoy each others company but so hard when you love him. Best wishes, Cheerrs, G

 

[Rand]

Richie,

The best option I see is to ask your friend to really help you find a boy-friend.

He knows you and what you want. Seek his help in getting you a date.

You could "jokingly" say that you want someone like him since he isn't available. That while he is a great friend, you need something physical too.

Add that once he gets you a boy-friend, you and the BF will help him find a girl-friend.

As is, he is your only outlet for all the emotions you have. As he is meeting so many of your needs for a friend and someone in your life, it is impossible not to get the appreciation and trust you feel towards him starting to morph into feelings of love and need.

As you well know, you are in a danger zone. Good luck in handling the situation.

Rand

 

[Seasoned]

You wrote and said you could talk to him about anything and then said you couldn't about this. I suggest you rethink that. If you two haven't talked about sex and sex drive perhaps you should. I think single friends can talk about sex and sex drive. I'm suggesting this as a segue. You then tell him you need to be spending time finding a hook up.

 

[parasite]

I was just browsing a bit and then I stumbled upon this post; I felt I just had to weigh in here.

Falling for a straight guy has never happened to me - until it happened, that is. And when it did, it hit me like a high-speed train in the middle of the night. Without going into too much detail about my story, I can tell you (even though I was told the same as well, and I defiantly refused to listen) nothing good can come out of such a thing. Of course, you keep wondering, what if he is gay? What if he just comes to terms with the fact that you have an incredible connection and he's willing to try it out or look past genders? Even though it completely contradicted what I believe - and that is that we are born the way we are - a great part of me hoped such a thing would happen.

To me, he was perfect. From the way he looked, the way he talked, the way he walked, the way he dressed, the way he ate, the way he smiled, down to the goddamn way he smelled. I would be walking somewhere and I swear, I could feel the scent of his aftershave. I would dream of him every night, I would be incredibly jealous of anything or anyone approaching him, I alienated myself from everyone in my life just because of him.

*shakes head* I think unrequited, impossible love is one of the worst emotions a human can feel. It kills you from the inside, wraps you into this dismaying pit of love, desire, sorrow and misery. It warps you and your life until you can't recognize it anymore. And worst of all - it grows from love into an outright unhealthy obsession.

The best solutions:

1. Do what I did: get over it. It takes time, and I stand firm on the thought that time does heal everything. I still love him so very much, but it doesn't hurt like it did before - the searing, gaping hole in my heart seems to have accepted the fact that I can't have him; it's slowly mending and at the same time, I'm slowly moving on. But there will forever be scars of this strong whirlpool of emotions I've felt for him.

2. Tell him how you feel - see if you can work something out (and by this, I don't mean somehow getting into his pants or whatever ). He should at some point know, because the stranger you start acting, the more he will start wondering.

3. As someone already said, try getting out of your situation; distance yourself from him. Because it will only get worse before it gets better - trust me.

Oh, and by the way, I'm new! Hi everyone!

 

[altlover85]

Well-written post parasite!

Welcome to JUB!

 

[parasite]

Thank you, on both accounts!

 

[rjmrjm21]

I hate when that happens. I would just back off and look for someone who is interested.

 

[Haunted187]

It is the worst feeling ever, I am experiencing a similar scenario right now. When it comes down to it though, it is all in your head so the only person who can fix it is yourself (It sounds easy saying it but it's the hardest thing in the world)

The only way is to focus your attention onto something else and it'll slowly sink away, right now I have the feeling jammed right into my chest and the pain is incredible, I know I can beat it but it just takes time. I look back at my previous ones and think "What was the big deal about?" So I can definitely prove to myself I can get over it.

Good luck

 

[equalityboy81]

Everyone talks about unrequited love like it is the most painful thing in the world and I'm sure it is close to it but what is really up there with the most painful psychological pain in the world is being on the receiving end of the rare cases where someone truly stops loving you and is no longer attracted to you in any way as if there was never anything there to begin with and you know they will never speak to you again ever again for the rest of your life nor will they ever forgive you.

With unrequited love it feels like a loss but it truly isn't a loss because you can't lose something you never had. Love becoming unrequited love is much, much worse. You can hold on to the memories and that you once had their love and attraction but sometimes you may feel like being a victim of unrequited love is much more preferable than being a victim of something becoming unrequited love/attraction, hate, indifference, unforgiveness, and estrangement (being the estrangee).

I believe in most cases when people "fall out of love" it still exists in some form even if it isn't the same kind of love but there are a few rare cases to where you can be on the receiving end of someone who can turn their love and attraction off like a light switch and you have to accept that they'll never feel anything for you or be attracted to you ever again or even never speak to you again. Even if they could forgive you or not hate you anymore, in cases like that, they could never make themselves feel again what they felt, even if they really wanted to.