Unsure about myself

[Seasoned]

Well, that's easier said than done, isn't it? I don't really see a reason to open up to one particular person, because, what does it do for me, really? A small burden off my chest, yes, but all in all I don't think it would necessarily change anything for me.

The whole coming out process is so fucking stupid. And no, I don't define myself completely gay so I feel like I would be lying to myself, agreeing to that. Or maybe I'm still in denial.

This forum isn't about arguing. It's about what you asked for. "Any sort of input would be welcome."

 

[Horsepot]

I suppose you can't tell somebody what they want to hear if it isn't true. From the op's latest messages it is obvious that he isn't completely straight, so I guess you have a point. Use of "non-hetero lifestyle" was the red flag.

I don't think I've ever indicated being completely straight in this thread, though?

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, that's easier said than done, isn't it? I don't really see a reason to open up to one particular person, because, what does it do for me, really? A small burden off my chest, yes, but all in all I don't think it would necessarily change anything for me.

It actually greatly simplifies your life to be out-of-the-closet. You have admitted that being in the closet has forced you to limit yourself to one-night stands. Well, what being out-of-the-closet enables you to do is actually have a promising guy come stay with you for a while, and you can take him out partying with your friends and be able to say, "hey, I think this could be the one." It is simply a lot easier.

The whole coming out process is so fucking stupid. And no, I don't define myself completely gay so I feel like I would be lying to myself, agreeing to that. Or maybe I'm still in denial.

Well, I really don't think most people are 100% gay. However, a friend of mine actually had a very promising relationship going with a young lady, and he found that, in bed, he just couldn't get it up. He realized that he could never have sexual feelings for a woman. It's not that he was revolted: it just did literally nothing for him.

Some people have no problem having sex with a woman, and they even enjoy it. However, that's all they can have with a woman: sex. If they want something with any kind of depth, it has to be with a guy. My partner's first flame has demonstrated this kind of pattern: he has been through several marriages (to women), and none of them have worked-out. Right now, he's with a nice, understanding lady. This one might actually be able to see him through the last stages of his life.

And my partner is ultra-bisexual. He can have loving, affectionate, sexy relationships with either men or women. For long-term partners, he really goes for charismatic, dominant women and smooth, effeminate guys who have similar temperaments to his taste in women, but that's really his only quirk. He really doesn't care. In fact, that's how I know that people who don't believe there is such a thing as a bisexual man are just ignorant.

There are many dimensions to your sexuality. The reason you might prefer to call yourself "gay" rather than "bi" might be that you really aren't interested in pursuing your interest in women. It's just fine to be a gay guy who looks at chicks. In fact, women would probably appreciate the fact that you can admire their bodies.

However, you don't have to have that "label" if you don't want it. I am just of the opinion that you might feel more secure if you tried using it for a while. It's not like it's a life sentence. You could spend a while calling yourself "gay," and then you could try calling yourself "bi." Then, you could start telling people you are "genderqueer," "pansexual," "gay but bicurious." It's not like you're signing a contract in blood. You're just giving yourself a term to call yourself by.

But believe me, when you have gotten that albatross off your neck, it's really smooth going from there. Again, you will know when it's time. I know it seems like a scary thing right now, but it will just seem RIGHT when you have gotten to a certain point.

 

[Fireballs]

I don't think I've ever indicated being completely straight in this thread, though?

Yeah, I know. I was just saying nobody could really tell you what you are except for you. But at this point it seems extremely clear that you are gay and just have problems with guilt and possibly self-loathing. "Non-hetero lifestyle" is a term often used by the ex gay movement, which I'm assuming is where you've picked it up from. But, you're never going to feel good about your "non-hetero lifestyle" if you keep it bottled up inside and just hook up with older guys who you don't even fully feel an attraction towards. You'll probably have to take chances, and confide in friends who could offer you support and encouragement, or someone else who is gay around your age instead of the older guys who just want to have a one night stand. But meh, ultimately the choice is yours to do whatever you want.

 

[Horsepot]

Yeah, I know. I was just saying nobody could really tell you what you are except for you. But at this point it seems extremely clear that you are gay and just have problems with guilt and possibly self-loathing. "Non-hetero lifestyle" is a term often used by the ex gay movement, which I'm assuming is where you've picked it up from. But, you're never going to feel good about your "non-hetero lifestyle" if you keep it bottled up inside and just hook up with older guys who you don't even fully feel an attraction towards. You'll probably have to take chances, and confide in friends who could offer you support and encouragement, or someone else who is gay around your age instead of the older guys who just want to have a one night stand. But meh, ultimately the choice is yours to do whatever you want.

The usage of "non-hetero lifestyle" was simply because I'm not entirely comfortable with English as a written language, so that probably came out due to language difficulties. Could've written "gay lifestyle" just as well.

And sure, I agree, that's just what's difficult at this moment, confiding in someone.

 

[Rolyo85]

You're already confusing in people by writing here it's easier with strangers on the Internet, but consider this - you just came out to us all. Not so scary eh?

 

[Durango95]

Is there something else, horsepot? It seems like there is something missing from this post. You find girls attractive, but you don't. You find men attractive, but you don't. You have had sex with men that wasn't very fulfilling and have never had sex with women even though you want to, maybe.

Are you interested in sex at all? I mean do you have the "normal" sexual responses when stimulated? You might want to visit a doctor and have a few tests run. It could be low T.

Now as to the question of your being gay. I haven't met a single gay man that was overjoyed when they figured out they were gay. It is something difficult with which to deal.

As far as attractiveness, I work with male models every day. These guys are obviously not your average "Joe". They are dedicated to working out and keeping themselves in exemplary condition because their livelihood depends on it. I used to work mostly with female models. As long a a girl is 5'10" or taller super skinny and somewhat photogenic she's good. Make-up covers a multitude of flaws.

The standards are much much higher for guys. The male body is far superior to that of the female.

 

[earlgrey]

As of now my experience with the so called non-hetero lifestyle has been solely based on one-night stands, like I said. Which isn't something that I really wish for, but that's one way of coping for me, for now, since I find that to be the most... discreet way. It's not really about the guys, it's more or less a feeling of guilt afterwards. Somewhat, or maybe it's 50/50.

Now that you mentioned guilt, I'd like to recommend checking out a book titled "The Velvet Rage". A friend of mine who used to be married to a woman for 2 decades said he found it very enlightening, and it talks a lot about guilt some gay men feel when growing up in a predominantly straight world.

Give it a twirl if it interests you.

 

[Horsepot]

Is there something else, horsepot? It seems like there is something missing from this post. You find girls attractive, but you don't. You find men attractive, but you don't. You have had sex with men that wasn't very fulfilling and have never had sex with women even though you want to, maybe.

Are you interested in sex at all? I mean do you have the "normal" sexual responses when stimulated? You might want to visit a doctor and have a few tests run. It could be low T.

I do find women attractive, even though my standards for women are quite high, but never in a sexual way. There's just no real interest in that. Men, on the other hand I'm interested in both attractive-wise and sexually. Sure, it wasn't fulfilling but I think, in retrospect, that it might have something to do with the lack of connection and well, annoyance with these guys in particular.

I'd say it's pretty normal. Again, my interest in the act (on these particular occassions) has faded out gradually, leaving a pretty much "meh" attitude, but I believe that's got something to do with the partners in particular. The thing is, that's my only option, as of now, so it could either be a hit... or a miss.

 

[wikke1]

Well, I'm going to agree with ROLYO84, simply, because I recognise the things you write.
Only difference, I never "acted upon" the attraction I knew I felt towards men (only porn).
Of course you can find women attractive, but not in a sexual way.
Especially when you (you wrote this) set the bar really high (in terms of looks) for women, and not so high for men, to me it's quite obvious.
It's a process you're going through, I think.

I also think the fact that you feel "meh" is because you maybe don't want(ed) to confront yourself with certain sexual (coming out) questions.
I've been/acted as if I was "meh" for years

Good luck!