Unsure of my feelings

[Auburn]

It seems like when i meet a guy i am really interested in, after a few days or weeks, I start to question whether i really like they guy..especially if i have slept with him within this time frame. Who here has this problem...where you lose your attraction to someone very fast? What can I do about this? Is this what they call 'infatuation'? I just wonder if I will meet a guy that I will be physically and emotionally attracted to longer than just a few days or weeks..This is really stressing me out!

 

[jetsonboy]

Ummm, maybe there are issues you need to work out, perhaps best with the help of a professional expert in the subject. I am however sure you will some day find lasting love; my personal recommendation is, try to develop meaningful friendships with those you are attracted to. Best wishes!

 

[Auburn]

How old are you?

I ask because if you are 18 this is less worrisome than if you are 48, for example.

I am 24 years old

 

[Auburn]

Have you had a relationship that has lasted longer than 3 months? And is it always you that ends it? And for what reason(s)?

I have only had one serious relationship. It lasted for 3 years. I ended for many different reasons...for one, I thought I was not into my ex anymore..but that wasn't the main reason it ended. I felt smothered and it was very difficult to go out and make friends . There are so many other reasons that I can't say on this board

 

[Auburn]

I'm not sure what to tell you. If you are not prepared to discuss the one real relationship you had, then there is very little to go on about the others.

It is likely that you are dating superficially, and that tends to end pretty quickly, at any age. Yes, most people get all excited in the first few days, and that will slowly trickle off, but if all you have is some cute guy that you could care less about, it will trickle off a lot faster.

Based on what you have said, you are living proof of why young gay men are perpetually single. I suspect there is something deeper, but without a clearer understanding of your history, I have no idea what.

Maybe it would be worth your while to talk to someone, and maybe it would also be worth your while to date people you actually care about. It's not a race.

Good luck-

I think I maybe basing my attractions off porn that I have looked and try go find "My Type" of guys based on that, however, I won't date somone I think is attractive if they are an asshole.

What I told you about my relationship are the MAIN reasons why it didn't last. I admit, at one point, I became totally unattracted to my ex physcially and mentally, but I think it was because his attitude toward his body made me think, "why should be attracted to his body when he HATES it more than anything on earth". O2, I guess since you don't me you won't be able to give any advice because I have told you everything you need to know and answered your questions, but I will let you know, that I will try to date someone I want to be with outside of any physical attraction that is present and try to figure out If I genuinely like the person or is it just the physical.

 

[Auburn]

Well, O2, that was a great response and I understand that you want to help. PM me and feel free to ask me more questions because I am having a hard time understanding what you want to know....no offense to you. I really appreciate your posts, especially concerning my situation.

I know what you mean by "stock bullshit"....society tends to feed alot of groups the same ol b.s. about how to live life. I am trying to understand the rest, though....are you saying that because gay men come out so young that they don't really have a chance to figure out what it is they want out of life? I am at a crossroads right now...A part of me wants a relationship and a BIG part of me doesn't, based on the results and the scars left from the last (which was my FIRST relationship) relationship that I had. I just graduated college and trying to figure out my exact career path. Sometimes I get "randomly" depressed and stressed out. My emotions are going so many different ways, so you get my point....I have a bunch of "I don't knows" to answer. I just try to live my life the way that I want and not what society wants, but, as a young man, it can be easy to be influenced, at times.

I agree....I must find my identity. I have a good idea of who I am, but I guess, at 24, I can't be so sure. I Know what you mean by what society feeds young gay men...most of us screw around so much because that is what we are taught by society, particularly older gay men who encourage us to sleep around....I have a post about that here

The advice you gave is vague, but.....useful! I know that I need to figure out what I want now and for the future and things should fall into place

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Introspective,

Mate... wow, you and O2 have got a great dialog going on here...and its great to see the progress you've made... There is something that I justed wanted to pick up on....

I agree....I must find my identity. I have a good idea of who I am, but I guess, at 24, I can't be so sure. I Know what you mean by what society feeds young gay men...most of us screw around so much because that is what we are taught by society, particularly older gay men who encourage us to sleep around....I have a post about that here

See, right now, I'm not sure that you do. We have this need to fit ourselves into a group or a box so we can say this is who we are. We fit right over here with the other minorities or outcasts or misfits or heaven forbid the popular guys.

Your problem isn't your identity. Its not the box you fit in.

You are simply at a time in your life where you've got some big things confronting you. Its a time when you are wondering about your career choices, wondering about your independence, worrying about the path you have chosen, wondering about the lifestyle you lead... and now wondering about your relationships and whether or not you will ever feel happy and fulfilled.

And none of those are bad things. We all go through life questioning decisions that we've made and whether or not the choices we chose were the right ones.

For you though, right here and right now... its about breaking it down and dealing with bite size pieces.

Its impossible to have one part of your life filled completely and be completely satisfied and happy and stable with it....while the rest of your life seems to be rudderless. You cant be completely satisfied in your career while the rest of your life withers....nor can you be happy in a relationship while you panic about the future.

Its about being in the moment mate. Its about understanding that at this point in time there are only so many choices that you can make. Its about deciding that at this point in time that you are happy with who you are, where you are on the journey that you are taking....and that every moment counts. That the time you are spending with your partner is precious...and compared to what it feels like alone...its the most valuable thing you've got.

Society forces us to keep shifting the goal posts...we have to have more, bigger, better. Its why you'll struggle to tick all the boxes to find your "identity" because they'll be different tomorrow. Its why we can feel discontent with who we are and what we've got.

You have to take control introspective. You have to say enoughs enough. I can only do so much, make so many decisions right here and now, I can only change these few things.... and most importantly, you can stop worrying about society and everyone else. You can forget about where you fit and your identity.

You can just decide to be happy and grateful for what you have and who you are, the people that love and surround you.

Its an enormous thing - it takes a huge amount of strength to take control over accepting whats in your power. Its hard to accept that somethings are just beyond us. But its true. Life moves on. Your choice is whether or not you want to keep rolling along trying to fit in, please everyone, do everything.... or whether you choose to say enough. This is about me. I'm going in this direction. And I'm going to find my happiness.

The only thing you have control of in your life mate...is you. Stop trying to rush it, stop worrying about things beyond any of us. Make the choices the best you can based on whats in front of you, don't worry about if it doesn't seem to fit your identity. Break the rules. Let yourself get lost in love. You are as capable as anyone of being in love....just stop letting the other clutter distract you.

Be you. Rome wasn't built in a day... there are thousands more days in your life to find out who you are.... to see if the unique important guy that you are really does fit anywhere. For now do what you can do. Enjoy the moment, let life serve you up what it will and be prepared to accept its gifts - just make the most of em.

You'll be fine mate. Dont panic... you have no idea how good today can be if you're shitting yourself about tomorrow.

 

[Auburn]

You have to take control introspective. You have to say enoughs enough. I can only do so much, make so many decisions right here and now, I can only change these few things.... and most importantly, you can stop worrying about society and everyone else. You can forget about where you fit and your identity.

You can just decide to be happy and grateful for what you have and who you are, the people that love and surround you.

Its an enormous thing - it takes a huge amount of strength to take control over accepting whats in your power. Its hard to accept that somethings are just beyond us. But its true. Life moves on. Your choice is whether or not you want to keep rolling along trying to fit in, please everyone, do everything.... or whether you choose to say enough. This is about me. I'm going in this direction. And I'm going to find my happiness.

Basically, you are saying live for today and not worry about the future. I think the biggest thing I have learned is to work on me. I have to keep saying to myself that it is ok to be where I am right now and that things will be different so I must enjoy today and stop letting so many little things steal my happiness. Thanks so much for your help!