unsure...

[Providence]

Congratulations terrorblade! Let us know what happens!

 

[silentalk]

YES!!! That's what I'm talking about...
Keep us updated!

 

[kramer362]

congrats! i hope this goes well for you, and by the way i'm jealous...

 

[Jerry]

Well good grief man, talk about a cliffhanger!

I'm glad for you - it looks like things are working out well. Stay cool and let it ride!

I had a similar experience with a guy I had class with a while back. I had never met him, but he looked good to me.
I would check him out all the time, and didn't even care if he noticed. Then I noticed him looking at me more and more. Then we we woulld exchange looks pretty often (like across a room or whatever). We started talking and got to hanging out a little.
I was so sure that he was gay, but I was just too chicken to say anything.

A few weeks later, he tells me he's leaving and moving out of state. I really wanted to say something before he left, but I still couldn't bring myself to do it.
A few days before he left, he casually brought up something about an ex-boyfriend in conversation. Dammit! I knew it!!
I still said nothing, and he was gone shortly thereafter.

 

[terrorblade]

Well, it took a while. We still met during the week, mostly for homeworks or at dinner/lunch, but never alone. I told him that I was upset about that but as far as I can tell he's still a bit in denial, so it's probably not extremely easy.

Anyway, last night he said he needed to talk to me alone tonight, obviously so nobody would be there. We did talk, and he made me forget all about moving on that I was thinking. He said he was sorry for this week and we talked a lot. He kept telling me 'You started this, you should end it' but for the longer while I was too afraid of doing anything. It took a while to finally gather the courage to kiss him but it was way better than i had imagined it.

The nasty thing is tomorrow he's going on a trip, and I'm going on another one, and I'm not sure if I can change it anymore- I'll just hope for the best.
He did tell me I shouldn't talk about it to anyone, but when I have extreme emotions inside I just have to vent them out somehow.
And I don't care if we have to stay in the closet as long as it's him I'm with.

I just can't wait for the next time we're alone- I have this urge to go to his room right now but he usually needs sleep and I already feel bad for keeping him up this late by not being able to kiss him earlier. I'm a night-owl so sleep is something I rarely hear of.
Besides, Sat 5am is the only time a week when I can talk to one of my friends.

Thanks for everything guys!
Topic is probably officially closed for updates- I don't think anybody wants more details.

PS. I think now's safe to change my orientation from 'Curious' to 'Gay'. He still says he's Bi and says he's more into girls than guys, but (if I heard right) likes gay porn more than straight porn. Heh, guess he might be on here too? Well, I didn't give any names so he's got nothing to worry about. He'll just find out that I don't really like girls, which I wanted to tell him anyway.

 

[beatleshead]

Congradulations!!!

OF course we want updates!!! think of us as your grandparents. some of us live through your happiness lol

We wanna know your first kiss, first fuck, and first "i love you"...which i hope happens to you two!!!!

its your choice of course. but still...I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU!

 

[silentalk]

What??? no updates??!!!!!

Of course we want updates, tell us what happens!

 

[terrorblade]

I don't even know if you folks are still around, but hope this sort-of sums it up.

Yeah, it's been more than two years since my last post in this topic and my first kiss with a guy.
I'm in my last semester of college right now and I made the unwise choice last year to be rooming in the same hallway with him. Actually, 1 room down from his room, but it's getting better.

To start with it sort-of chronologically- it was pretty much a bunch of bull for the next three months after that until the beginning of the summer holidays. Yeah, we got physical, it was good but not great. He said a whole bunch of hurtful things that I'm trying to get out of my mind, but I'm never able to. He left campus for summer on June 3rd, at around 8am. I dropped by to say goodbye and told him I'd miss him. All he told me was that he'd see me in September. And then he basically left pretty quickly.

I was like a zombie after that. I have no idea what I would've done without my friends (mostly C). At least summer plans mostly helped. Except twice. After being down and having some obvious status messages for more than a month, I was looking for a book- I think Goodnight nobody by Jennifer Weiner. And asking my friends if they knew where I could find it (it's hard to get obscure foreign literature back home). My best friend was finally in town for a few days so I was hanging out at her place for nights in a row when, one day I got back home in the morning and had one message from him: "check kskdfj.com". Like thanks, idiot. If I'm looking for it, it means it's hard to find. And what's up with you sending me messages?
Then, or maybe before that even, I was in a 10-day camp with a bunch of other friends from high school. I refused to physically see a computer for the whole time... I just wanted to chill. A lot of people thought I was a loner, but I didn't care. I had my friends most of the time, but I appreciated some peace and quiet.
The very day when I got back, he finds it necessary to tell me about his plans to go hiking in the mountains with a bunch of hot chicks. That was enough to erase all traces of happiness. How can I compete with that?...

After that, I started to break contact with everyone. I blocked most of my accounts and opened new ones. I needed to get away. To have some peace.
Fast-forward to September, when I started avoiding him. I remember even now a party on campus when I had just arrived with C and we were getting something to drink. I saw his best friend there and I had this gut feeling telling me to GO. I dragged her out and just when I was 8 feet from the door, his roommate opened the door. At that point, everything got hazy and I walked out at the speed of light. I didn't find out until later that C had actually told him to stay away. I'm so grateful for that. And A actually called him to tell him to leave me alone or he'd be in trouble.

Any way, my third semester was mostly my coming-out (in a pretty grand way- it took less than a week for half the campus to know-- being gay around here is pretty rare). I don't know exactly why I made such a big deal of it, but I presume it was because he'd stay away. And stay away he did, until about the end of November. I don't even really remember how we talked again, but we did, for about a month, and he was at least partially nice, as far as my diary says. I can't believe that I really don't remember much. I do remember that a few days before the winter break started, I bought tickets for Dublin in January. He said he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it, but I got them anyway.

For a whole month he kept saying that. I gave up, seeing that he didn't seem to want to. At the same time, I moved back to my old accounts for a bit. And I talked for a bit with this guy I had met online in the summer- and decided to meet for a cup of coffee. I was going to be in Bucharest for a day, staying at my best friend's before my flight early next morning. I had planned to meet 3 people, but she flipped out on me not spending any time with her (we do that to each other all the time, anyway) so I narrowed that down to one. I met G. at 6pm. 16th of January 2009. And I can honestly say that the next 12 hours (flight departed around 6:30) were the best 12 hours of my life. Best day. Best... anything you want to put it. I never felt that kind of connection so quickly. First time in a gay bar. First time it really felt right. First time I held hands with a guy. He hadn't done that before either in the middle of Bucharest, at night. Or kissed just like that. For three days afterwards whenever my ears grazed the neck of my fur coat I'd shiver all around remembering the feel of his lips.

I told N the next day that the trip was off. He reacted very surprised and I said I'd talk to him when I'd get back on campus, in 3 days. So I did, and I told him with a straight face that I was sick of him playing games, or telling me that he doesn't have money for it, or telling me that he's not going to be able to justify his absence to his roommate |). After that, he had periods when he was nice and periods when he was an asshole. I broke up with G. after a few weeks because I couldn't deal with all of it anymore. But N was still being a jerk. In another of my impulses, I got tickets for him to come visit me at the beginning of March. And, again, it was heavenly. I don't remember another time being so happy and calm. I begged him to stay for longer than a week since he didn't have school anyway. The day he said he wouldn't was when I last remember crying my heart out. I haven't been able to since. I wasn't even able to when I dropped him off at the airport.

Next few weeks were a bit of a blur with exams scattered in between. We broke up again, over the phone. C was over and annoyed because I didn't seem to say much. I was... baffled. I didn't know what to think anymore. G told N to come over. He did and I did the only thing I could think of at the time- got "back" with him. But I didn't really feel like he was involved. I still don't know now if I should even call that a relationship. It sort of dragged along until the end of May. He went to England for spring break and told me that he'd definitely be gay if he lived there because English women are ugly. (But you cannot be "gay" here when you have a (sort-of) boyfriend?- I don't think he ever called me that. But that still hurt like a bitch.)

At the beginning of summer, he said he needed some time to think. I said OK. Mull it over. And let me know.

My best friend had already stopped talking to me for a couple of months after I had broken up with G the way I did. And I admit, and I admitted it then- I was an asshole and a jerk and he didn't deserve it. He deserves someone much better than me. He was in that point when one is ready to get into a relationship. And I blew it for him. And I know that nothing I say can fix that.
Anyway, in the middle of summer break or so a very good friend from college asks me why I hadn't told her I had definitively broken up with N. She had found out about it from my best friend (who was not talking to me), who had found out from- guess who? That's right! G!. Whom apparently N had found it appropriate to share with but he hadn't had the decency to tell me.

And then comes third (senior) year of college. Last September. He didn't even say 'Hi' at first. We had the floor elections, but not many people showed up. 4/14 seniors showed up, 2/4 juniors and 3 Freshmen. He chose to vote for a weird Freshmen guy that nobody likes. It just made me laugh. He stopped saying Hello at some point- but I still do. And lately he winks, which I personally consider rude and disgusting.

I stepped on my dignity again in December, on his birthday. My best gay friend told me I should... be nice and not hold back. I didn't. I gave him a small gift. I went back and said "Kiss me". I went back again and kissed him. He came by my room and asked if I want to talk- and truth is, at that point I didn't. I just needed someone to hold me. I just needed to let it go. What could he possibly want to talk about? I'm sorry but this is not gonna work?. No thanks. I'm out.

Winter break was especially bad. It finally dawned onto my mom that I hadn't been kidding with saying I was gay for the past two years and she started crying and shouting. I couldn't even bring myself to feel sorry for her. I can't, not after all this time in which I cried alone. Only my friends helped.

In my... bad state, I sent him an e-mail. Telling him to look for me when I'd be back if he felt there was anything to talk about. To not reply or start sending messages again, to just talk to me. The day I got back, he sent me an e-mail asking me if we could meet. The next day, one telling me he knew I was back, so I should let him know when I was free.
I said screw you and I didn't reply to any. If he wanted to, he could find me. But he didn't. He hasn't tried talking to me once. He doesn't even say hi anymore, just winks like a... libidinous lewd old man. I felt the need to badly punch him at some point, but I don't even remember the reason.


But enough with that.
I dated a guy for about three weeks in November, and we were getting along really good. Hanging out, having a drink, watching a movie, taking a walk through the park... It ended after a 6-hour date of walking a lot, watching a movie and having a drink when his last train had just left. He chose to wait for half an hour for the bus instead of coming with me "because he had left his bike in the train station". And then texted me telling me "he's too nervous because of the premiere of the play and isn't ready for anything else except kissing and cuddling". He'd also told me we should see each other the next day (Sunday).
One thing that he forgot to take note of was that during the SIX HOURS he only let me as much as brush lips with him. What on earth did he think I was going to do, rape him?... He was older and I honestly expected someone more mature, not someone with the mindset of a 15-year-old.

Then there was this other guy that I started talking to online while he was on holiday back home (Poland). And I really felt a connection. We stayed on meeting to watch a movie on a Wednesday evening. I'd been looking forward to it for the past week and everybody around me could see happiness coming out of my pores. That evening during German class he called to say he's only staying for one day because he has to go back. It all blurred out at that point. We met the next day after noon for a few hours- he had problems with getting a work permit and finding a job, so he wouldn't stay. I don't even know why we still met- I hate the feeling of knowing there's a guy that's right for me. But he's not with me.



Phew, that took a long while to write, and it's probably gonna take someone a long while to read it.
Still, hope that gives enough details on what went how. I know I had to go through this myself, even if everyone said it was no use.

 

[rareboy]

It sounds like you have some serious issues you need to work out. Particularly passive aggresive behaviour in your relationships.

You can live a life full of sturm und drang; always being angry and anxious and depressed, or you can learn how to forgive, forget and move on.

Your choice.

 

[Nomenclature]

Straight guys have a tendency to be homophobes for no reason at all.

If you'll notice, homophobia is most common in pubescent males. It remains relatively constant throughout puberty, but seems to hit a peak at around 13, and again around the time the kid graduates high school; Coincidentally, these are the times when his sexual hormone levels are naturally at their highest. This has never been studied before, but it's probably important to note the correlation. On a subconscious level, straight male teens and young adults probably view gay sex as a threat to reproduction; Humans have obviously domesticated themselves, but the primitive, tribal instinct was all about procreation.

Even today, many gay men struggle with their homosexuality by first coming out as bisexual. . .usually because they still want to have a wife and kids one day. According to my own dumbass theory, that's the procreation instinct we're all born with. As we leave puberty and our hormone levels settle down, we become more comfortable with our identifies and finally accept ourselves as gay. The "wife" part leaves our heads, and many gays then decide to have children only if they want them and are ready, rather than simply because they're pressured into it. Many have no children at all.



Alright ladies and gentlemen. . .that was my Random Thought Before Bed of the day.


Later!

 

[KaraBulut]

Reading through the original post and your update, it just seems like you go into these experiences with certain expectations. When the reality doesn't live up to the expectation, you take it as a show-stopper.

Maybe the problem isn't the reality, it's the expectation?

The point of hanging out with someone and dating is to get to know the other person. Sometimes you discover that the person is better as a friend. Sometimes you find that you have a romantic connection. Sometimes you find that there's no romantic connection but you're both horny (and convenient). Sometimes you find out that the person is an asshole and you don't want to waste anymore time with them.

That is what it is supposed to be like. That's the whole purpose of going on a date- to find out which of these possibilities is there. If you don't go into it with an open mind and ready for any of the possibilities, you're going to be constantly disappointed when it doesn't play out exactly like you want it to.

 

[TX-Beau]

This guy is baggage, and baggage slows you down. Drop him. Completely. You've being strung along, for two years now. It's time to stop - and you're as much to blame for that as he is. You're not going to get anything at all out of this guy but bullshit and games - and do you really want to still be having these minor dramas about whether or not to talk to him five years down the line? He will interfere with the guys you do find, and wreck your stability and self esteem. Before you say anything, if he's still a factor in your head, you haven't let go yet. When you do, it won't matter where he lives or what he says or even - my god, if he's winking, because he'll be completely irrelevant to you. Until you get there, pretend you're already there and act accordingly. Take hold of your scrotum and sever him from your life. Then stick to it.

Re-read the preceding post over, and over - then place yourself in a target rich environment (lots of out gay men). You're still going to date a bunch of frogs before you find a prince, but there's no reason you can't have fun hopping with the frogs, in the meantime. Remember, all of us are frogs to someone.

Work on your own life, yourself, your prospects, and making yourself the person you'd like to date. It's been my experience that once you stop focusing on finding a guy to make you happy, and start focusing on changing yourself to make you happy, guys kinda pop up when you least expect.

Having a guy isn't going to solve your problems anyway, you'll find - just like I did, that having a boyfriend doesn't make the universe moonbeams and rainbows. Time to take responsibility for your own happiness. Don't focus on finding a guy, focus on yourself. You're young, you have all the time in the world yet.

So, a game plan, you're about to be out of college, which is a huge time of change anyway. Number one change to work on. Stop placing your happiness in the hands of others. If he talks to you, if he doesn't, is irrelevant, you're the master of your own destiny, the arbiter of your own happiness - he's got to go.

Stop yourself from having unrealistic expectations about guys you date. On line is NO substitute for real interaction. You may think you have a "connection," with a net persona, but that's just pixels. You or the other guy may discover on actually meeting that there's no chemistry at all. When it doesn't work out, don't treat it like it's the end of the world.

DON'T let yourself go into a first date situation thinking you've found Mr. Right. Before each date remind yourself that you're just going to have a good time and let the dice roll how they will. They're all frogs anyway until know them - and that takes more than one date. We all like the anticipation of a first date, but it shouldn't send you crashing if it doesn't work out. Work on some perspective about that.

Most importantly - make a plan. Decide where you want to be in one year - five years - ten years - twenty...

Then sit down and figure out how to get there. Goals may change along the way - in fact they probably will, but this is one of the best tools I've ever found to be in control of my own destiny. I know if I'm on track, or off, or just marking time; I know if the guy is compatible, or detrimental, or even incidental; and I know when I need to make a change. It's always is better to feel like you're in control and headed in the direction you want to go.

Good luck and congratulations. Perhaps you can find a job or Grad school somewhere entirely new and interesting?

I grew up in rural Texas, which is about as gay hostile as it gets in the US. The day after I got my diploma, I packed up my truck, and moved to one of the gayest places in the universe. It can be done.

 

[terrorblade]

@rareboy:

OK, maybe I didn't make it fully clear. I'm not angry, or depressed at the moment (neither am I usually). Anxious, yes, but just because I'm quick-tempered- and I've learned to live with that and to like that and appreciate that. And the quick temper doesn't let me stay angry or depressed for more than a few hours, because I always find things to occupy myself with.

@KaraBulut:

Yeah, I guess I do go into anything I do with a lot of expectation and optimism, mostly. When it doesn't live up to the expectation, I try again, with a slightly different approach. Then again. I'm not easily deterred, but when somebody really wants to push me away, then they will. I don't push myself on anyone.
I usually 'classify' people into categories too- except that, around here, there's not so many gay guys to go around

@TX-Beau:

I guess you could say I'm looking for... 'a guy'. Not 'the guy'. I don't expect to find him just like that. Stop focusing on it is easier said than done for me- I guess I could say I have the attention span of a goldfish- I always do this, then do that, then go back to this etc. I actually am, like you said 'making myself the person I'd like to date'. But for me that doesn't preclude or prevent me from doing other stuff as well.
As for online chats, I can in all honesty say that so far I have felt a connection with... around 5 people. And I've had many more chats than I can count. I usually go to a date thinking something along the lines of 'I'm slightly excited. Let's see how this goes!' And while I do understand where you're going, for me one date is enough for me to see if there's any chemistry. I don't even need any previous chats or phone calls or who knows what. If it clicks, it's gonna click. If it doesn't at first, it still might, but I'm not getting my hopes up too much.
Plans? I'm not exactly the planning/goal-oriented person. I'm too much of a free spirit to be bound down to something or someplace. I'm gonna take a year off, work a bit, hopefully travel some, but I'm going to stay in Europe, and mostly around, because I would miss my friends too much if I just broke off again completely. Maybe I'll move to someplace new and exciting in a couple of years