Until death do us part.

[bankside]

There is a very moving video about the life, love and death of Tom Bridegroom in another thread here, and all over the internet.

It's a video with a message about homophobia and equality. It's also more simply a story about the love of a lifetime that must come to an end. Myself, I am happily with the love of my lifetime. I hope for many decades to come, not unlike Tom's partner, I imagine, before his loss. And yet we cannot defy the laws of nature; it must happen to us all.

I know some of you have already faced the moment of losing your partner, and then the unending moment that follows. I know many of you have told your stories, and theirs, in other threads, comments made in passing on other topics. I thought it might be fitting to make one thread for anyone who has lost a partner to make a post, tell the story, share the wisdom learned from a shared lifetime, and to let it be known about the Spark that was someone beloved of one of us.

Your contributions to the thread are greatly appreciated.

 

[mikey3000]

Bankside, please don't take it personally that no one has responded yet. It's just that, for me it's an extremely personal experience and one has to build up the courage to tell their story. It's comming, just one has to be ready to tell their story.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

Its been 4 yrs since I lost my partner of 12 yrs. Many of the things that I have learned evolved slowly and still coming into focus. Things certainly didn't go as I thought they would have with my emotions or actions as more time goes by.
The most important was to have all the paperwork (I mean absolutely VITAL ) on your home if you own one together.
We did and though I was the principle on the mortgage he was joint owner. The words most important on the deed are incredible. Because like it or not the family of the deceased is prone to come out of the wood work in a good real estate market if they smell a dollar bill, even if you get on with them good during life. Even with wording of documents done right be prepared for it to cost you with attorney fees should the family deem in their rites to move on and claim half the property.
Wanting to have your partner continue to have a roof over their head if either dies is nice and legal rather straight or gay and not married but its tricky for those not married and do not wait for another day to make sure the paperwork has every i dotted correctly. You will be in big trouble because shit like death never takes a holiday and its too late then.
Stay clear of the words "tenancy in common" get legal advice on home or major property purchase. Do not be bullied or take a bankers words that things like "tenancy in common as offering protection.

In my personal life I find I went back to how I was before meeting my partner only older but its like a time before I ever was with him. This changed what our social life was and who I wanted to hang out with. He was more into the gay social friends, dinner parties, bar scene then I but it worked ok together because he blended into things I like too.
I find myself not interested in my old social haunts or drag queen gay dance clubs. That part I never thought about in the yr after his death as I continued doing what I had done in the 1 to 2 yrs after his death meeting guys and putting up with shit that I realize I did because I was with him and it was ok. It lost its luster as days go by. The void is incredible and sort of a devolution to a time before I was so open. I have dropped most or all previous gay friends that were good guys no doubt. Nothing in common. And they with me.

The realization hit me one night with a date in my house telling me that he deserves the fanciest club or hotel and $10.00 well drinks, and diesel jeans and as he pointed his finger waving around that he didn't like this and that, and lizards all over, or rats in the alley I started laughing and said well I guess this isn't a good time to tell you a spider has crawled off the wall on to your big ass loud drama mouth bald head.

 

[Titanic]

I'm afraid I'm young and have little to contribute, but I did want to say that a friend of mine shared the story of Tom and I was incredibly moved. I have more respect for people like Shane and Tom than I'm usually willing to admit...

 

[FlaMan]

its been 30 years ago I lost my first love...We actually met ,fell in love and moved in together the same day..Our friends thought we were crazy for doing so but when it feels so right you just know it...We did all the normal couple things..argue then make-up sex..I guess for us life was what we made of it..Unexpected picnincs in the park..lying in bed at listening to him sing Tony Bennett to me...We laughed,loved and enjoyed each other until that day was taken from me..We were going thru downtown early one morning an was t-boned on his side of the car by a drunk driver..I knew he was injured as the ambulance took him away but once I got to the hospital I was told he didnt make it..It was my best friend who told me that as she was an ER nurse..She called for friends to come and get home and take me home..I guess for me although I knew he was gone the realization did not hit me until I saw his casket going in the ground.I dont remember much of the first few days that followed except friends helping me deal with his being gone..Friends are great during a tiime like this but I wanted to shove them out the door and let me alone to grief..During this time Brandons family was great..they were right there with me and helped make all the arrangements and even paid for them asking nothing in return. his mom did stay for 2 weeks to help me but in my heart I think I was helping her more because of our little talks about him..After his death I did not go on a date for 2 years..no sex..nothing..I felt so alone and yet questioning why I walked away not a scratch but yet he was taken from me..For years I felt quilty because of that..I turned to hard-core drinking (but never driving) and drugs,,It didnt matter what it was I took it..Anything to ease the pain..About 5 years later I would meet a man who once again would turn my world around..When we first starting dating he asked me about a pic on my bedside table..I told him of Brandon..6 months later we were living and loving together,,27 years later we are still together but our time now seems limited...he was diagnosed with cancer last year and now we take life one day at a time..We dont know much longer we have but this has taught us one important thing..life isnt about how much money you have and how expensive the car the car you have is..its all about how much love you have for each other..I know the day will come when Ihe is no longer with me but I have friends and family to lean on..In many ways I have been blessed to find 2 men who I love and love me.So instead of us sitting in a rocker on the front porch whistling at the boys walking by it will be just with my memories...And sorry this is so long,,it wasnt intended to be..

 

[mikey3000]

Stay clear of the words "tenancy in common" get legal advice on home or major property purchase. Do not be bullied or take a bankers words that things like "tenancy in common as offering protection.

What you want is "joint tenancy".


"Joint tenancy or tenancy in common:

Property owned by more than one person must be owned in one of two ways: joint tenancy or tenancy in common. In practical terms, the chief distinction between joint tenancy and tenancy in common is the right of survivorship. Only joint tenants enjoy right of survivorship.

If you own property with another person as tenants in common, on your death your interest in the property becomes part of your estate to be passed on according to your will. If you own property with another person as joint tenants, on your death your interest in the property passes to remaining joint tenant(s) by right of survivorship. It does not form part of your estate."

Guys, if you wait for someone to give you your rights, you may never get them. You must learn to TAKE them.

Joint tenancy, last will and testament, living will, power of attorney for property and health. These are your legal tools to protect your basic human rights. Straight people use them all the time, you should too.

 

[ibill1]

I've posted many times about my Steve but here goes. I was 17 when I went off to college and away from my loving family for the first time. Freshmen had to arrive the Friday before classes for orientation on Sunday. The guys at the end of the hallway in the dorm were having a get to know you party. My roomate and I headed down to check it out. I walked in the room and looked around, and there, sitting across the room on the bed, was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. Something came over me, something I have never felt before or since that evening. I had fallen in love at first sight and I thought to myself, "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him". I don't know how a 17yr. old can know this but I did. I meandered over there and struck up a conversation. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and we seemed to be the only people in the room. We spent the following two weeks together and were inseperable. That weekend our roomates had gone home for the weekend. We came back from the dining hall and walked into my room. After the door closed, he spun me around and planted one on my lips. It was the first time I had kissed a boy. We spent the entire weekend in bed and moved into our own room the following semester. After graduation we moved and bought a house and lived in that house for 33yrs. until his passing of a heart attack. I remain in the same house. He always kept his coat on the dining room chair, where he hung it that night. As I type this it still rests on the back of that chair. I haven't really thrown out any of his stuff, don't really have any incentive too. We both came from families of 5 boys and we were close to both sides. Our brothers and their families visited us throughout the years, along with our parents. My father always refered to Steve as his 6th son.

Financially we did everything to protect ourselves, not from family but from the gov. Living wills, powers of attorney, joint tenacy in common etc. No one even asked to see his will, it was already known we left everything to each other. After his passing, I changed mine to leaving everything to my brothers.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Actually, I walk around the house talking to him like he is still here. As I have mentioned before I really never believed in an afterlife but since his passing I feel, why not? It keeps me sane that I may get to be with him again. I know it's not likely but what do I have to lose, if there isn't one I won't know the difference, I'll be dead. RIP Sweetheart, at least until I get there.

Flaman, you are truly blessed to have found two men to love in your life, my prayers are with you and your guy.

 

[bankside]

Bankside, please don't take it personally that no one has responded yet. It's just that, for me it's an extremely personal experience and one has to build up the courage to tell their story. It's comming, just one has to be ready to tell their story.

There'd be no point in rushing.

 

[FlaMan]

Bill..I know of the feeling you talk about Steve still being with you..I had that feeling to but I wont go into here because "doubters" wont understand...There is so much I would like to say to you because where you are going I have been and unfortunately will be going again..Its not an easy road by any means but if you feel down and need to talk I am here for you..And bankside..Thanks for making this thread..It is very theraputic and brought back some great memories for me..I even looked at the picture album which I havent opened in years..And dont feel upset about not so many responses..death scares many people