Urgent Advice needed

[TheRoyalDude]

Hello everyone, first of all I just want to say how amazing this community is. Although this is my first post ever, I've been reading this forum for many years now and It taught me a thing or 2 which i'm very great full for.
However, I come to you today because there is a special person in my life at the moment and I'm really confused with our or his situation and need to know if there is any hope for us.

A year before we started dating I noticed this person "C" who was very cute, handsome and smart just to name a few of his traits. However, at that time he was in a relationship with another guy so i backed off not wanting to ruin what they had but we kept on messaging each other every now and then platonically. Months later he told me that he was single and I was happy to hear that but it was finals week for me and I was going on month long trip right after my finals, so sadly i didn't go after it. While on my trip all i could think about was asking him out to be honest ( I'm very hopeless romantic and like to plan everything could OCD at times)
When I got back home I messaged him and told him how i felt about him and that I would love to ask him out and he said yes and was excited about it as well. We went out on a couple of dates where it was really amazing being with him because he's very down to earth and willing to have fun no matter what. Us dating started early feb. so he asked me to go out with him for Valentine's day, it was all magical the setting, the restaurant, the music, the food, how he genuinely loved the flowers i sent him, him looking cute as ever and the gifts he got me .

after a while and a couple of dates, I didn't get to see him for almost 2 weeks ( mind you that I don't like to call people because I wouldn't know if they would be free or busy that's why I prefer texting) and he wasn't big on texting we would only exchange about 4 or 5 max a day. However, I knew that he would be traveling soon which meant that I won't be able to see for much longer and that really almost made me cry because I've missed him so much but I couldn't just tell him like that cause we just started dating. However after many sleepless nights I decided to go talk to him before he left and I told him that I really missed him and that all i wanted is to know he was doing ok and just basic stuff about how his day went and things like that. He agreed that he should make more efforts to text me about his life and said that he'll keep me updated on his trip.

>>> I'm sorry this is getting too long but I have to share with you most of the things to give you a clear view of what's going on, I will try to sum it up

After he came from his trip we went out for more dates and I really like him and I think i'm falling for him ( I know some might say it would be too soon .. but tell that to my heart) one thing that is wrong with this picture is that when I talked to him about before his trip and asked him where we were he said that he isn't ready for a relationship yet, which i understand due to the history he had with his ex. I really like him to the point that I want to make him forget his ex and whatever happened but I don't know what's the best way to get him out of that state!
another thing is we haven't really had sex yet because he doesn't know that I'm still a virgin and was waiting for the right guy to share this experience with. I feel that he could be the one but I don't know how to bring this up too any advices about the whole thing? anything is appreciated.

- TheRoyalDude

 

[HunterM]

I really like him to the point that I want to make him forget his ex and whatever happened but I don't know what's the best way to get him out of that state!

Take the lead on this relationship. Step it up, man! Make plans to occupy his free time to spend it with you. Don't ask, "Are you available for a date on Thursday?" Take charge and ask, "Hey, I heard about this great restaurant; and I want to try it out. Let's go to dinner on Thursday. I'll pick you up?" Be assertive. Always have a game plan on how you two will spend time together before you ask him out. If he said he's not available, then ask, "How about Friday? It will be fun." Be a salesman! Sell him your ideas/suggestions. Make it easier for him to say "Yes." Make it fun for him to spend time with you. While you're on a date, start thinking about when and where you two should spend time together the next time. If he's that important to you, you always need to think about your next few steps to win over his heart.

another thing is we haven't really had sex yet because he doesn't know that I'm still a virgin and was waiting for the right guy to share this experience with. I feel that he could be the one but I don't know how to bring this up too any advices about the whole thing?

Too many people attach too much importance on having sex for the first time with "THE ONE". I don't subscribe to that theory. You will have sex many times before you die. Sex gets better when you have more practices. My first time was clumsy. My girlfriend at the time and I were both virgins. We were nervous. Didn't really know what we were doing. It was bad sex. Most people's first sex was not mind blowing sex either.

Are you guys comfortable being really close to each other? Have you guys kissed and really make out a few times? If you haven't, try that first before talking about sex.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. Keep dating. Don't get ahead of yourself. Have fun. All dating can be instructive no matter the outcome.

 

[TheRoyalDude]

Hunter: Thanks for your advice man I think i'm going to start doing that from now on I think that is what is missing so far I'll give it a try and let you know how it goes... and yeah we have been comfortable with each other with making out and foreplay it seems to be a hit

Patrick 45: I don't think that would be fair at this stage since things seem to be going kinda well and I'm not trying to seduce him with sex i just was thinking that he would be a good person to be my first :/ and I do believe that I deserve someone who is good but finding genuin guys in our city isn't an easy task

Seasoned thank you for the advice and I'm still keeping my options kinda open unless he says he wants me to be all his.. and I'll keep ya'll updated about what happens

 

[Rolyo85]

Hunter's advice is great.

And I agree. Magical first times do happen, but they are the exception. In fact, I'd say that having your first time witha caringrxperiencedguy who you DON'T have feelings for is more beneficial and better for your nerves.

 

[HunterM]

Since making out is a hit with you both, plan an out of town trip. You, not him, book the hotel room with one bed. Spending an entire weekend together to explore a city is a lot of fun. It's a great way to get to know each other really well.

Make out and do some foreplay on the bed. Take the lead and undress him. He will tell you no if he's not into sex.

Have fun and report back to us!

I'd say that having your first time witha caringrxperiencedguy who you DON'T have feelings for is more beneficial and better for your nerves.

So true. You can be fumbling and wouldn't care as much. It will only prepare you to be better on your next game. My first gay sex was with someone who's horny. None of us wanted to be in a relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. This guy TOLD YOU he wasn't ready for a relationship. Guys don't say that and mean the opposite. All you're doing right now is dating/hanging out. it's a little soon for treating him like he's your boyfriend.

You're getting way ahead of yourself. Plus you also have the specter of rebound guy looming over you.

Slow down.

Back off. Don't be afraid of suggesting fun things to do, but don't think that means he's changed his mind. He may - somewhere down the line, he may not. That's the gamble you take, but if you push and try to go immediately to soul mate, you'll push him away. This is the classic mistake so many guys make, they crush, they pine, they want to move way too fast and don't want to pay attention to the warning signs, then they wonder where it all went wrong.

A note about texting - as someone who also isn't into texting, the quickest way to annoy the fuck out of me is to endlessly text me mindless shit. If you want to talk to me, then talk to me, I wont respond to texts that have no purpose other than chatter.

Texting is not communication, it's not conversation, it's the digital equivalent of passing notes in high school. Since you say he's not into texting either, you're going to annoy him with it, you're going to end up placing way too much emphasis on why he doesn't text you back, you don't want to end up in the "what does his lack of texting mean," cycle of doom. Don't go there.

You aren't anywhere near a place where the two of you are sharing every little thing about your day - that's what guys in a relationship do - you're not there. He just got out of a relationship, he's TOLD YOU he's not ready for another - translate that as I WANT SOME SPACE.

Yes it's very cute that you just want to be in touch with him all the damn time, but he's not you, don't project you onto him. Take your cues from what he actually says and how he actually behaves, and from your description, he's up for a good time, but not interested in going any further just yet. DON'T ignore that.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh and yeah, that whole first time thing is only as important as you make it, and usually that doesn’t bear out in reality.

The way our culture glamorizes virginity and the "first time," is a holdover from antique social conventions designed to ensure female (and indeed in times past, didn't apply to men who were applauded, and still are to some degree, for promiscuity) chastity for reasons that had nothing to do with making things "special."