VanHiscers - Archived Blog Posts

[VanHiscers]

C'est la première fois que j'écris un journal ici, mais je ne voudrais pas que la plupart des Jubbers le comprennent, donc j'ai décidé d'écrire en français.

Pendant ces jours, je ne peux pas m'arrêter de me sentir sombre. Cependant, personne ne peut s'en rendre compte, et il y a encore des gens qui me demandent pourquoi je souris toujours.

C'est vrai, je souris toujours, parce que je veux que tout le monde soit content. Mais, il y a récemment trop de choses à quoi j'ai à penser.

Mes parents ont mis une somme de 800,000 RMB à la banque, parce que pour faire mes études aux États-Unis, il me faut un relevé de compte qui peut “prouver” que ma famille est assez riche, et que je retournerai après la graduation.

Ce n'est pas vraiment une somme pour dépenser, mais en fait, mes parents avaient encore besoin d'emprunter la plupart à leurs amis.

Mon oncle, le frère de ma mère, m'a demandé un jour pourpuoi je voulais encore aller aux États-Unis bien que j'eusse su que ce n'étais pas facile pour ma famille. Je pense qu'on peut-être croit que je suis un fils si égoïste, mais je rêve d'y aller depuis longtemps. Je détestais l'anglais, mais soudain un jour, j'ai dit à ma mère que je voudrais l'apprendre, donc je crois que ça doit être mon destin.

Depuis ce temps-là, je me suis mis à être intéressé par la culture américaine. Et maintenant, après en avoir su beaucoup, mais ça ne me suffit pas encore.

J'ai téléphoné à ma mère aujourd'hhui, elle m'a dit que la maladie des yeux de mon père était devenue un peu grave, il a souffrert de trop de stress préparant la somme. J'ai commencé à douter si c'était correcte que j'aille aux États-Unis. Je suis peut-être un fils terrible: J'ai à poursuivre MON rêve en dépensant LEUR argent, et je ne leurs ai pas encore dit que je suis homosexuel.

Mais maintenant, tout ce que je peux faire, c'est essayer de gagner un bon avenir, donc j'aurai assez d'argent pour les rembourser.

 

[VanHiscers]

Before I start my topic, I want to tell you a story, this is a true story, but I forgot the name of the character and where it happened.

Once there was a boy, he had a lot of toys. But one day, his parents told him a war was going to break out, and they had to move. He at first wanted to take his toys, but finally, he decided to bury them near his house: Ten steps away from the front door. Years later, when he had become a big boy, he returned to his hometown after the war. He found his old house, took ten steps from the front door and started to dig, however, he didn't find the box with his old toys inside. He wondered why, at last, he figured out that he had grown up, his steps were bigger than before, so he started from the door again, and found his toys.

The truth of the story is clear, everything is developping all the time, so we should always see things in a developping vision.

On July 4th 1776, The Declaration of Independence was born, which meant that the United States of America was founded. From then on, the Us never stopped developping, the population was getting larger, the land was getting bigger, and the economy was getting better...During its development, it also improved its human right records, especially the problems with African-American people. First slavery was abolished during the Civil War, and the racial separation was also abolished little by little thanks to Martin Luther King. Jr. Now, 232 years after the Independence Day, we have people like Beyonce or Usher who can shine on the stage like a superstar, people like Rice who's the Secretary of State, and also people like Barack Obama who's probably going to be the next President of the US...

While the people of the US and other western countries are enjoying their human rights, China is always the target for those contries to attack because of abusing human rights. Indeed, modern Chinese people including me, never deny that our standard of human rights ARE poor. Nevertheless, is that a urgent problem for Chinese people, right now, as far as I could see from the life of me and the people around me, I must say that it's not a problem that need to be solved in a hurry, in fact it could never be solved quickly.

However, compared with the standard of human rights before, especially that during the Cultural Revolution, China did make some progress. Take gay rights as an example, about 10 years ago, sexual activities between men were considered illegal by the government, let along being gay. But now, the government is trying to teach people to have safe gay sex, besides that, we also have gay bars and gay organisations.

It is true that China has a very long history, however, if we only consider the People's Republic of China, she's only 59 years old. Compared with the US and the UK, she's just a kid. You could blame her for the mistakes she's made, but how could you teach a kid to run when she even couldn't walk very well? Nevertheless, that's what all the western countries are trying to do with China, "you should improve your human right record, or we won't attend the Olympic Games you'll hold." But China IS showing you her progress through the whole Olympic thing. If she never made any progress, she would never get the chance to hold the Games from IOC.

Besides, improving a country's human right record is not a work that could be done quickly, Rome was not built in one day, the human right record of the US spent almost as long as its age in being improved, so do you really think you could make an evident difference by protesting the Olympics?

If it was the KMT who won the Chinese Civil War, and took the charge of the whole China including Taiwan, I believe you would never say a word even if they also occupied Tibet. However, it was the Communist Party who won the war, and they occupied Tibet for it's an important strategic area. But face the truth, who wouldn't want to build a military base in Tibet. Why is India always being so helpful to the Free Tibet Movement? Because once the movement turned out to be successful, India would surely benefit from Dalai Lama. And you all know the relation between China and India, would you just give up Tibet that easily if you're the head of China?

So China's abusing human right IS a problem, but she need time to solve it little by little by herself, no one could teach her what to do. Like what the openning story has told, everything is developping, China IS getting better and better every day. Give her a chance, and give yourselves a rest, stop critcizing, and learn to praise, and sooner or later, you WILL see the change.

 

[VanHiscers]

This blog entry is originally posted on facebook.com, so by "the wall" I meant the message board, because that's what we call message board on facebook.com.

Je croyais que je ne parlerais jamais encore de lui, mais je ne pouvais pas juste m'empêcher de le chercher ici, comme je me souviens toujours de son e-mail. Donc je lui ai envoyé une demande. Je pensais que c'était tout, parce qu'il rarement répondait à ce que je lui avais envoyé.

Mais à ma surprise, il m'a ajouté dans la liste, et a laissé un message sur mon mur, ça doit être la première fois qu'il m'a initiément contacté.

Bien sûr, j'ai déjà vu son profil de facebook et ses photos, il est encore le garçon de fête et de bièrre. Je crois que la seule différence que j'ai trouvée, c'est qu'il s'est fait couper les cheveux. C'est en fait uncroyable, parce qu'Ana lui en a proposé plusieurs fois, mais il n'écoutait jamais, je croyais il ne le ferait jamais.

En plus de ça, il est le même que ce dont je me souviens quand j'avais 16 ans.

Maintenant, j'ai presque 21 ans, je ne suis plus un puceau et je ne suis plus innocent ou naïf, donc je pensais qu'il ne serait qu'un autre mec quand je l'aurais encore rencontré, comme tous les inconnus avec qui j'ai eu des rapports sexuels. (Ne malcomprenez pas ici, je veux dire qu'il est comme tous les inconnus, mais je n'ai rien fait avec lui.)

Mais évidemment, j'ai tort. Je me mets à penser à lui rien qu'à cause d'un message. Peut-être on a raison: C'est toujours dificile pour un Cancer à avoir plus de sentiments pour les seconds que les anciens, encore moin qu'il est le premier.

C'est pour lui que j'ai eu le premier béquin; C'est à lui que j'ai donné le premier cadeau; Et c'est à lui, un mec hétéro, que j'ai écrit mon premier “Je t'aime”. (That's pretty silly, huh?) Après tout, j'étais trop jeune et il était aussi trop jeune, il n'a que trois ans plus que moi.

So, I guess I'm still not over him...

 

[VanHiscers]

I was feeling like watching a romantic comedy tonight, so I searched among my old DVDs, then I found and watched "Sweet Home Alabama", again.

It's indeed a touching little movie, but I used to like it just because of the beauty of Josh Lucas. This time, however, something in this movie really got me besides Josh's shiny blue eyes.

I was born and raised in Harbin China, and I've been living quite a happy life with my parents for all these years. My family is something like middle class, so my parents have been able to offer me everything that is better than what poor parents could offer. After all, unlike western families, we mostly only have one child in each family.That's why my mother was able to take me to many other cities, when I was young.

Like the character Melanie Smooter from "Sweet Home Alabama", one day,I don't know since when, maybe after my trip to Hong Kong, I just started to hate my hometown, thinking that it's such a boring place, and want to leave her someday. So since then, going abroad to see the world became so important to me. My mother often ask me when and why my heart became so wild, because when I was small, I wouldn't stop looking for her until I saw her right in my sight. I myself really don't know about that, either. I just changed.

Now, everything is ready, my dream is about to come true, I do feel excited, but somehow, I found out that my heart is not totally in need of leaving home. Like Melanie said, everything fits here too. There's a scene in the movie where Melanie goes to the tomb of her former dog, and says something to him. When I was watching it, I also imagined what would possble happend to my two dogs when I was not home, there could be a possibility that I wouldn't see at least one of them anymore. For me, that sounds really terrible.

In the movie, Melanie was facing a new city of her own country, but I, will be facing a foreign land that is still quite strange to me. Am I ready? I used to believe so, but after the movie, I doubt.

However, for me now, there's no way back, I must take the chance. Because maybe Jake, played by Josh Lucas in the movie, is right: One can have both roots and wings. I pull my roots out of my mother land, that would surely be painful to me, but that doesn't mean I would regret, as I would be free to fly.

 

[VanHiscers]

First JustUsBoys, then Wikipedia and YouTube, and now even Facebook starts to be restricted by my government, it seems to me that every foreign website I use frequently would not be able to escape from the destiny of being blocked by my country’s Great Firewall.

Actually, China restricts a lot of things besides websites. From history to daily news and even to popular music. We should not say that what Chinese people are being told every day are all lies, but at least they are only half of the truth. Some of the restriction is for streinthening the domination of the Communist Party, for instance, we could learn from schools that something bad happened on Tian’anmen Square in 1988, however, we were not told what exactly had happened, nevertheless that part of history is well spreaded by people who has experienced that movement, so a great number of Chinese young people like me still know about it.

What I do not understand is that a large part of the restriction is totally unecessary. In 1998, a masacre of Chinese people was started by a number of Indonesians. In the news report of CCTV, however, they just said something bad committed by a group of Indonesians had happened to the Chinese people who lived there, but in fact, that was much more serious than just “bad”. Why would they restrict that? I never figure it out.

This kind of restriction has not only prevented people from getting to know some necessary news, but also caused a geat deal of international misunderstanding.

Over the years, things about Tibet have been restricted for foreigners as well as Chinese people. Like the Free Tibet Movement a few months ago in Lhasa, China didn’t allow any foreign medium to enter Tibet during that time, so of course, westerners had to do nothing but guess what was going on over there. Actually, as every member of the United Nations admits that Tibet is a part of China, China did have every right to put down the movement using military force if innocent Chinese people were getting hurt. If this kind of thing happened in the United States, the government would do the same.

China should not be ashamed to tell the world about that, but they still decided to restrict the news, even for Chinese people. However for us, it’s never hard to get some news about Tibet, as we’re still one country, we could spread the news through one person to another, or if we know someone who lives there, we could just call and ask, but for foreigners, it’s not that easy. So all they could do is to hear about Tibet from their media, who in fact got the information from nowhere near Tibet or from our enemy of state---Dalai Lama. So no doubt what westerners know about Tibet is not true.

Western media said that Chinese people were wiping out Tibetan culture, while actually, Tibetans are still living in Tibet, speaking Tibetan as their mother tongue and learning Mandarin as their first foreign language, and they can still celebrate their own festivals according to their own calender. Besides, all the minorities have some prerogatives that ordinary Chinese people don’t have. It is easier for them to go to a good university, and for Tibetan students, they’re allowed to carry weapons like Tibetan knives as a Tibetan tradition. And when they break school discplines, they won’t be punished, for Chinese people don’t want foreigners to say that it is discrimination. Nevertheless, all these facts have also been restricted.

Therefore, I really don’t know why everything in China is R-rated while most of them could be rated G. And how could westerners understand China if she herself refuse to let them know the truth about her?

I don’t think I’m a patriot, but I truly hope my country will grow, but obviously, restriction is not a good way.

 

[VanHiscers]

As some of you might know that I'm going to study in CSU East Bay, I decided to write a song about it, however, I can't compose. But I still hope you like it.

Verse 1:
I feel lost when thinking about leaving,
Not sure if I should really be going.
But that's for what I've been waiting,
For so long I'm anticipating.
Some say I'm insane,
Some say there'll be pain,
Maybe they're right,
But I just have to get on the plane.

Chorus:
From Central Street to Golden Gate,
For me foreign land is a bait.
I might lose my everything,
That'll still be my fate.
From Harbin to East Bay,
I'll be likely to lose my way.
But I'm ready for the tough day,
Cos this is my exodus '08.

Verse 2:
No one could really know what is coming,
Neither could I tell how I'll be doing.
That can't stop me from departing,
For all the things I'm always dreaming.
Some say it's not sane,
Some say it's in vain.
But it's alright,
I can't let motherland be my chain.

Chorus

Bridge:
I'll be missing you mom and dad,
I'll be missing you all my friend.
Forgive me that I'm leaving,
I travel far just to seize my chance.

Chorus​

 

[VanHiscers]

Well, before anyone read this journal, I have to say that there's no sex in its content.

As I'm going to the US in a few days, I won't see any gay bathhouses there for a long time, so I decided to visit one this afternoon so that I could have some casual fun.

I had never been to this one before, because it had just opened early this year. Nevertheless, to my surprise I was the only guest there, which meant there was on one to have fun with.

So, I just walked out of the shower room after a quick shower and started to look around, clearly that the old guy who was in charge of cleaning the place saw that I was pretty bored, so he asked me if I wanted to hire a hustler, of course I refused for I didn't take any more money with me, and he said I could just have a simple massage which was only 20 RMB, but I told him I only had 1.5 (It's true). However, he insisted that I could just talk with him.

Therefore, I finally agreed, so the old guy unlocked a small room, and then a young guy came.

He's a nice-looking guy, but definitely not my type at the first sight, but if we would just chat, whatever. He wore some kind of cologne, I was not sure if it was an expensive one, but he indeed smelt pleasant. He turned on the TV, then we just started to talk. I forgot what our first topic was, for I was kind of nervous at first, not because that he's a hustler, but because I was afraid he would tricked me into sex.

As we talked on, and we were talking about nothing near arousing stuff, I began to feel relaxed, and at last, we both lay down on the bed.

He asked me when I realized that I was gay and started to encounter other gay guys, I then asked him the same question, and to my surprise, he said he had his first gay sex just this May. He told me that he was not very into sex, he just enjoyed male companionship very much, he said girls (esp. Chinese ones) were always annoyingly blah, blah, blah, but being with guys made him feel comfortable. When he was bottom with his clients, all he hoped was that they came as quickly as possible so he could get rid of the pain. (I somehow felt really sorry and sad when he said so.)

While we were talking, he just started to play with my dick, or let's just say he was massaging my dick and balls, and I believe he was very good at it.

Our conversation was interupted once by his patrone (When I was completely naked!), because she was afraid that this guy was serving me behind her back, but thanks goodness, we didn't lock the door and he still had his clothes on, he told her that as the public dark room (A room that every Chinese gay bathhouses have for guests to play with each other freely) was temporarily out of use, so he just wanted to talk with me, the only guest, so I wouldn't feel too bored.

His patrone left, and later on, the public dark room was available again, so we just moved to that room to go on talking. I told him I was planning to study in the US and leaving soon, so he asked me something about the procedures that I had been through, still, playing with my dick.

Finally, it was pretty late, so I told him that I had to go. I think that was when he told me that he liked me a lot, and his last question surprised me: He asked me if he could hug me for a while, I said OK. The most amazing thing happened the moment we hugged: I felt my heartbeat the way I hadn't felt it for years, that was when I realized that I liked him a lot too, even though he was not my type. He ran his hands all over my back, I touched him back and then we kissed.

He asked me if I wanted to touch his dick, so I just reached my hand into his pants: He was having a hard-on, he offered to have sex with me for his patrone wouldn't catch us in the dark room. I came here for casual fun, but at that moment, I just prefered this thing end without sex, so I refused and left.

Now, it's likely that I wouldn't see him again, however the smell of his cologne still remains all over my body as we've hugged so tight. I really appreciate the feeling he's made me feel, the feeling of being in love. For I haven't been seriously in love for a very long time.

I'm not sure whether I would forget about him or not, as long as his smell remains, I will enjoy it till the very last second.

Now that I'm going to the US, I only hope I could find that feeling again on that foreign land.

 

[VanHiscers]

I wanted to watch the movie "Milk" right after its US premiere, but it wasn't available at Century Theatres until recently, so finally I was able to watch it yesterday. Frankly speaking, I was never into biographical movie, I wanted to watch this one simply because it's a gay-themed movie that is based on the true story of a man that I had never heard of before I came to the US.

Harvey Milk is said to be the first openly gay politician that has ever been elected in the US, even in the whole world. I was really ashamed of myself that being a homosexual, I never knew him until I saw the posters of the movie "Milk" everywhere in Castro, San Francisco. That was when I did some research online, and then I finally got to know his story.

Nevertheless, I was even more ashamed after watching the movie. I didn't know Milk before, but I did know that San Francisco is supposed to be the gay capital of the world, and actually that was one of the reasons why I decided to study in the Bay Area. When I visited Castro for the first time, I totally enjoyed myself in its absolutely gay-friendly atmosphere, thinking that I would never found any place like that back in China. As a result, right before the movie I was expecting to see how Castro would look like in 70s. To my surprise, I didn't see any Rainbow Flag on Castro Street; the Castro theatre was there, so was the Market Street, but no flags, not in the movie. As I watched on, I realized that Harvey Milk went to San Francisco not because it was already gay-friendly, on the contrary, San Francisco became gay-friendly because of him. I was ashamed of not only my ignorance of the history of San Francisco, but also my attitude: I enjoyed the gay-friendly atmosphere in San Francisco so much that I didn't even care to know why it was so gay-friendly--I just took it for granted.

According to the movie, one of Milk's biggest achievements when he was in position was to make California say no on the former Prop 6. Now people are all talking about gay marriage and Prop 8, but in Milk's era, all the homosexual teachers in the Golden State almost lost their jobs because of Prop 6. The audience was laughing when people in the movie stated their reasons for supporting Prop 6, because for people from today, their reasons sound so ridiculous, however, for people from the 70s, even for Americans, homosexuality was too much for their narrow minds, but Milk still made it. When I knew that Prop 8 was passed, I was surprised, but just surprised, thinking that I'm not American and I could do nothing about it. So even now when I saw people who were promoting to repeal Prop 8, I never paid any attention.

At the end of the movie, I cried, touched by the movie and like I've said, ashamed of myself. If Milk was still alive, he would do everthing he could do to repeal Prop 8, not just enjoy the changes he had already made. For the last 8 years of Milk's life, he chose to fight for our rights, instead of hiding and staying silent, his contributed his life and even his lover's life into gay rights, and that was why we can see the Rainbow Flags waving everywhere in Castro today. Nevertheless, we still have a long way ahead, at lease we've gotten another proposition to fight against. Even though Milk is dead, but his spirit should live on, because if we don't fight, no one will fight for us. Milk had made it this far, all we have to do is to take his Milky Way to equality and justice under the guiding light of our super star--Harvey Milk.

 

[VanHiscers]

Enterntainment Weekly gave this movie a C,but I still wanted to see it because I just could not say "No" to our human torch--Chris Evans. I have to see his movie. As a movie fan, I understand why it has only gotten a C.

The movie is mainly about people with supernatural abilities. Evans's role is a mover, which means he can move things without touching them. Fanning played a girl who's a watcher that can see the future, while Belle played a pusher who can force people to do things or believe in some events that have never happened. That is why I do not understand that the movie is called push as Belle's character is not the leading role.

The highlight of the movie, I think, is Dakota Fanning's performance. I do not know her actual age, but obviously she is still a kid, and her role is thirteen years old. What I like about her is that she could always survive under the halo of grown-up stars: she has been working with Tom Cruise and Robert DeNero, and by far she has not failed to bring us some surprises. In this movie, she was working with Chris Evans and Camilla Belle, which should be less stressful for her, as they are all young actors. The partnership between Fanning and Evans might sound ridiculous at first, but trust me, the girl confronting Evans in this movie is not just a kid as Fanning is supposed to be. There is one scene of her that I love the most. According to Fanning's role, she could see the future most exactly when she was drunk. Yes, that means you can see a wasted Dakota Fanning in this movie.

In addition, the story took place entirely in Hong Kong, so you can also see some Chinese actresses like Ming-na Wen (ER, Street Fighters) and Lulu Li (A.K.A. Li Xiaolu), the latter is from mainland China, and I was actually surprised to find that she was in this production. I guess another Chinese actress is on her way to Hollywood. Besides those, however, there is nothing so special about this movie. It is supposed to be a blockbuster, but the visual effects are just so-so. About acting, Belle is still just simplt belle, delieved nothing but her face, and Evan, I like him, but obviously his acting skills have not improved too much. The most important thing is that the concept of the story is too old, Hollywood never lacks this kind of movies. Therefore, if you like Chris Evans or Dakota Fanning, it is still worth a try; but if you expect something more, you would probably get disappointed.

 

[VanHiscers]

This past Wednesday, I called my mother to tell her that I was put on the school's honor's list, but my mother told me a bad news in return: my aunt had ovary cancer, and was going to have a surgery this Friday, which was China's yesterday. She said my aunt has been mistreated for 4 month, for my aunt didn't go to any big hospital. I was still optimistic at first as usual, thought that if the cancer was not serious, 4 months was still not too late, so the doctor could just take the cancer ovary out, see how bad it was, and give some further treatment: cancer do not necessarily kills people nowadays.

Nevertheless, I called my parents again to ask about the surgery, my mother told me that the doctor cut her belly open and just sewed it: the cancer is already everywhere--no need to take anything out. Then I asked her how much time was left for my aunt, she said up to 4 months. Then I cried.

In fact, I was never vey close to my aunt. I am closer to relatives from my mother's family, while this aunt I am talking about is my father's elder sister. The reason why I cried was that I realized I hadn't seen her for enough times. When I was in China, whenever I had nothing to do, my father would want to take me to my aunt's or my uncle's. I, however, always prefered to stay at home simply because it was even more boring to go there, and besides, I thought that they were always there. Now, I am an ocean away from my hometown, and my aunt is dying in 4 months or sooner. Thinking about that the last time I saw her, during the family and friends' goodbye dinner for me, she was in perfect conditions, I am finally aware of that life is so fragile--nobody will always be there.

That was not the only thing that made me burst into tears. When I heard my mother say the phrase "up to 4 months", I was also thinking about my aunt's whole life. My father's family used to be very poor. My father did his best to be successful in his business even though he was not very well educated. My father sold car wares, and most of the car wares were numbered in English letters, once he asked his provider why he did not just use the three letters of "J", "Q" and "K", for they were in the poker, it would be easy for my father to remember. My father became richer and richer anyway. My aunt is not that lucky. She just lived a normal life and get paid regularly, but as China is a developping country, her life was never better than that of my family. Because of my parents, I'm living out my dreams of studying in the United States. My aunts, however, probably has never been to Shanghai or Beijing, and she is dying now...

We are family, but our life is so different, and yes, the world is unfair. Nevertheless, I can do nothing about it. All I could to is to hope that my aunt will not suffer so much till the end of her life.

 

[VanHiscers]

We met on A4A.
He wanted it right away.
I said no car, can't play,
He said he'd drive me and let me stay.

So I got to his place,
and fell for his pretty face,
He's my first young white boy,
Can't let him be gone without a trace.

Finally, we were kissing,
but wait, he had rules for everything.
No tongues involving,
No teeth for sucking,
And no BJ trading,
Cos my pubic hair was standing.

Damn, he's 22,
and that's my age too.
He told me what to do,
I felt good if he did too.

He loved that I was tight,
I loved that he's white.
Felt happy that I'd spend the whole night,
until he mentioned the morning traffic light.

So now I'm home again.
Can do nothing but complain.
Got a heart with a little pain,
With a reason that's so plain.

If now I can't find a boyfriend,
I just want a nicer friend,
who can hold me when I'm lonely,
and have some fun at the end.

He said see you,
so I said good night on Yahoo.
He replied by getting offline,
but now he's on the line,
Cos I appear offline...

I'm feeling so cheap,
don't wanna take a shower cos I want him deep,
into my skin, into my mind.
I just want a pretty boy to keep.

 

[VanHiscers]

I have always been wanting to travel all over the world. Long before I ever came to the United States, I remembered I had this really vivid dream: first, I "was" in Hollywood, because I "saw" the Hollywood sign; and then somehow I "was" in Paris, because I "was" standing in front of the Arc of Triumph... I used to believe my dreams are pathetic, and it did seem to me that all the places in the world that I wanted to go were all so far away from me, while I was feeling stuck in a city that was known by only a few.

Nevertheless, I have already seen the Hollywood sign for real, unlike some other rich Chinese students here, I only saw it once, but I did see it, again for real. My trip to Los Angeles, however, was not the first trip that made me believe that I was not that left out by the rest of the world. It was towards the end of 2006, I went to Shanghai, China to see Beyonce's concert there, and I found a piece of heaven for me, on earth in China.

I always knew that Shanghai was one of China's first international metropolises, but I never knew how impressive it was until I actually saw it. Nanjing (Nanking) Road, which is one of Shanghai's tourist attractions, is packed with foreign tourists every single day. In a single-raced country like China, it is never to hard to tell who are the foreigners--everyone who is not Asian: that will exclude the Koreans and the Japanese, but I just want to express how many foreigners are in Shanghai by just counting non-Asians. The second time I went to Shanghai was during my winter vacation off Cal State East Bay. Kurt and I decided to go to a gay bar in Shanghai's gay neighborhood, and we when we arrived there, none of the patrons there was speaking Chinese besides the bar tender--I had to speak English with Kurt, and there were also two German girls. I ordered my Californian classic, Malibu in Pineapple. Just so you know that in the gay bars of my hometown, they do not even serve cocktails apart from beers, which made my vacation there even more miserable.

Less than one month later after my second visit to Shanghai, I was back in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is just on the opposite side of the the Pacific Ocean to Shanghai. I was still more than happy to be back in the United States, but a piece of my heart was in China with my love Kurt. Nevertheless, my relationship also reminds me that I am still in a unfair position for access to the world: as long as Kurt has the budget (Unfortunately he does not), it is quite easy for him to fly back and forth between China and the United States, but I was on a student visa, if I leave the United States after the expiration of my visa, I need quite a long time to renew it, and as I am from a Communist country, my U.S. student visa is only valid for one year, while as far as I know, it is valid for 5 years for Japanese and European students and 3 years for Indian students.

In addition, I need visas to just visit most of the major countries in the world, such as Japan, France, Canada... You name it! For some countries it is even worse because I have to be invited, which means I cannot be spontaneous and just go abroad even if I have the money. In other words, I love Chinese language and I love Chinese culture, but I hate my Chinese passport and whatever reasons that make it suck so bad. I even felt quite insulted when I was filling my application form of British visa: I had to answer questions like "Have you ever been arrested?" and "Have you ever committed any terrorist activities?" knowing that all my American classmates that were traveling with me do not need to deal with that shit. What is the point of all the questions? Paris Hilton was recently arrested in Paris, France, and France still let her in without a visa, so being from China simply makes me a worse person than Paris Hilton?

I, however, am always optimistic. Just during the past month, I reunited with my love Kurt in Las Vegas, one of the places I always want to go in the world. Besides, we also had a lot of fun time here in the Bay Area before he had to go back to China for his job. Looking back, I have counted how many little dreams of mine have already come true: I am studying in the United States, I have been to Los Angeles and Las Vegas, I saw Britney, Beyonce, and Lady GaGa in concerts, I met Lea Michele and talked to Jonathan Groff... Now, my trip to the United Kingdom is coming up--I'm going to see Edinburgh and the next Olympic city London, which is another international metropolis in the world. Therefore, maybe, I have not traveled so much like the Europeans and rich Chinese that I know, but I am somehow getting there. Even though I am not traveling with people that I feel close to this time, but hey, I believe I am smart as a Chinese should be and I'm becoming more independent like an American, i can just have fun all by myself as usual, and if I can get my Social Security Number easily when some other international students claim it hard, I will have my way to all around the world someday, somehow!