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First time poster looking for not necessarily advice, but more so just an ear.
I'm 27 years old and I am engaged to marry my on-off boyfriend of three years. Before I explain my issue, I must say that I've been an asshole to every guy since I started dating guys. I had huge commitment issues stemming from my parent's divorce and a family of abusive alcoholics, was extremely selfish and insecure with my own feelings. The average time for my relationships is probably 2 months. Before my current relationship, my longest was 6 months. And I'd find a way to get rid of them, because I was bored, or didn't like them trying to love me.
When I was just dating my fiance, I broke him with him twice. Both times because he lived far away and I didn't feel like he was doing enough to move back here and find a job. The idea was, I wasn't going to take care of a grown man who couldn't contribute. And regardless of what I thought at the time, he loved me more than anything, probably more than his family. I am a very supportive person, stable to my friends and everyone always comes to me for advise because I'm so objective and no-nonsense. I'm honest, almost too a fault.
Fast forward to more recent times, I've gained about 60 pounds in the past year. I went from about 130 lbs when he met me to about 190-200 give or take, I finished a BA degree but couldn't find a job, and my confidence started dropping. He broke up with me in December, stating that he felt I needed time to build myself back up, and that he was a distraction.
After some arguing about it, he told me that he just couldn't take how I treated him, and he wanted to date other people to see what was out there, and to see if I was truly what he wanted. For the first time in my life, I felt devastated. I really felt like, this was the guy that I wanted to be with. I'm usually poker-faced, but I was seriously crying almost every other night. Then I had to force out of him that he was dating someone else, and had been letting dude stay the night, or days at his place within a week or two from us breaking up. I was angry and betrayed but I was also sad because I missed everything he did for me. It was a wake up call for me to stop being afraid of love.
He promised me once that he would stop talking to dude and try again with me, but the very next day changed his story and said he wasn't sure I wasn't going to go back to the way I was. The dude ended up stealing things from him, and claimed "what's mine is yours" because they were dating (for 2 weeks). Anyway, he said he wouldn't let dude back over after that. And one night, he had a breakdown and was just crying. He posted on facebook how upset he was, and I ran to him. That night I explained to him that I wanted to change, and that he was who I wanted to be with. I asked him what it was that he wanted. If he was unsure, I needed to take that and move on. But what he wanted was to marry me. So we promised that night to get married in 2014.
But because of him breaking up with me, and me never feeling a break-up until this point, I was paranoid. One day, he left his phone on the bed and I went through it and saw that he asked some other dude to send him pictures of his "fat black cock". I know I shouldn't have looked, and I asked for it but I so worried and curious because I felt that things weren't the same. He downplayed it, saying it's just a guy from when he was on craigslist during the break-up and all they were doing was exchanging pics. He said it's no different than me looking at porn (which I do almost every night). But he said if I walked out, there was no coming back.
And I stayed. We got a dog together, we were engaged, both of our families gave their blessings, the whole 9 yards. Though I would have told all my friends to leave a person in the same situation I stayed and remained paranoid. That was in January, and we hadn't had sex since we broke up in December. Though I wanted to have sex almost every time I seen him (we only live about 5 minutes away from each other), he was too tired from work or whatever. He does work crazy hours, so I kinda understood. So I waited. We had sex last Monday and he said that it's been awhile since he had sex. But (still paranoid) I found two ads on craigslist posted last Sunday morning from him last night. He worked nights that night and got off at 8am. One ad said, "I'm looking to suck and take some black dick once I get off work at 8am. straight down low bisexual and gay welcome. hit me up" and the second which was posted an hour after he got home, "I suck a good dick and can take a good dick too. Hit me up if interested"
I approached him and yelled for about an hour last night. He downplayed it again, and I asked him if he really wanted to marry him. Or if he just wanted to mess around with other people. I really needed his honesty, and I felt like he still is lying to me. He said that those ads auto post themselves and he didn't know how to stop it. I don't know of craigslist doing that outside of third-party programs and there is nothing I found that supports that.
So again, I would tell someone else with all these signs to leave, but I just can't. Whene we're together everything is fine (like today we went to the market and are starting a diet together). When he's not around I'm paranoid. The moment I got home, I'm looking to see if another ad is up.
I'm not going to leave him unless I just get tired of feeling like a fool. And as I told him last night, I feel kinda guilty for all the bad things I've done to him. I've dated other people in-between our break-ups, had sex with them, and some more dirt. I almost made one dude my boyfriend. I feel like my childishness, and my personal hang-ups have messed up something good and made him want to try other things. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and the fact that he's not be as intimate with me since the last break up, makes me question him. But he promises that he loves me, and that he'd do anything for me. I trust his words oddly enough, yet I feel like one of those fools. He is really a great guy outside of what I feel is uncharacteristic ads on craigslist.
I know, I'm silly right?
(Sorry if this is too long lol)
I'm 27 years old and I am engaged to marry my on-off boyfriend of three years. Before I explain my issue, I must say that I've been an asshole to every guy since I started dating guys. I had huge commitment issues stemming from my parent's divorce and a family of abusive alcoholics, was extremely selfish and insecure with my own feelings. The average time for my relationships is probably 2 months. Before my current relationship, my longest was 6 months. And I'd find a way to get rid of them, because I was bored, or didn't like them trying to love me.
When I was just dating my fiance, I broke him with him twice. Both times because he lived far away and I didn't feel like he was doing enough to move back here and find a job. The idea was, I wasn't going to take care of a grown man who couldn't contribute. And regardless of what I thought at the time, he loved me more than anything, probably more than his family. I am a very supportive person, stable to my friends and everyone always comes to me for advise because I'm so objective and no-nonsense. I'm honest, almost too a fault.
Fast forward to more recent times, I've gained about 60 pounds in the past year. I went from about 130 lbs when he met me to about 190-200 give or take, I finished a BA degree but couldn't find a job, and my confidence started dropping. He broke up with me in December, stating that he felt I needed time to build myself back up, and that he was a distraction.
After some arguing about it, he told me that he just couldn't take how I treated him, and he wanted to date other people to see what was out there, and to see if I was truly what he wanted. For the first time in my life, I felt devastated. I really felt like, this was the guy that I wanted to be with. I'm usually poker-faced, but I was seriously crying almost every other night. Then I had to force out of him that he was dating someone else, and had been letting dude stay the night, or days at his place within a week or two from us breaking up. I was angry and betrayed but I was also sad because I missed everything he did for me. It was a wake up call for me to stop being afraid of love.
He promised me once that he would stop talking to dude and try again with me, but the very next day changed his story and said he wasn't sure I wasn't going to go back to the way I was. The dude ended up stealing things from him, and claimed "what's mine is yours" because they were dating (for 2 weeks). Anyway, he said he wouldn't let dude back over after that. And one night, he had a breakdown and was just crying. He posted on facebook how upset he was, and I ran to him. That night I explained to him that I wanted to change, and that he was who I wanted to be with. I asked him what it was that he wanted. If he was unsure, I needed to take that and move on. But what he wanted was to marry me. So we promised that night to get married in 2014.
But because of him breaking up with me, and me never feeling a break-up until this point, I was paranoid. One day, he left his phone on the bed and I went through it and saw that he asked some other dude to send him pictures of his "fat black cock". I know I shouldn't have looked, and I asked for it but I so worried and curious because I felt that things weren't the same. He downplayed it, saying it's just a guy from when he was on craigslist during the break-up and all they were doing was exchanging pics. He said it's no different than me looking at porn (which I do almost every night). But he said if I walked out, there was no coming back.
And I stayed. We got a dog together, we were engaged, both of our families gave their blessings, the whole 9 yards. Though I would have told all my friends to leave a person in the same situation I stayed and remained paranoid. That was in January, and we hadn't had sex since we broke up in December. Though I wanted to have sex almost every time I seen him (we only live about 5 minutes away from each other), he was too tired from work or whatever. He does work crazy hours, so I kinda understood. So I waited. We had sex last Monday and he said that it's been awhile since he had sex. But (still paranoid) I found two ads on craigslist posted last Sunday morning from him last night. He worked nights that night and got off at 8am. One ad said, "I'm looking to suck and take some black dick once I get off work at 8am. straight down low bisexual and gay welcome. hit me up" and the second which was posted an hour after he got home, "I suck a good dick and can take a good dick too. Hit me up if interested"
I approached him and yelled for about an hour last night. He downplayed it again, and I asked him if he really wanted to marry him. Or if he just wanted to mess around with other people. I really needed his honesty, and I felt like he still is lying to me. He said that those ads auto post themselves and he didn't know how to stop it. I don't know of craigslist doing that outside of third-party programs and there is nothing I found that supports that.
So again, I would tell someone else with all these signs to leave, but I just can't. Whene we're together everything is fine (like today we went to the market and are starting a diet together). When he's not around I'm paranoid. The moment I got home, I'm looking to see if another ad is up.
I'm not going to leave him unless I just get tired of feeling like a fool. And as I told him last night, I feel kinda guilty for all the bad things I've done to him. I've dated other people in-between our break-ups, had sex with them, and some more dirt. I almost made one dude my boyfriend. I feel like my childishness, and my personal hang-ups have messed up something good and made him want to try other things. He wears his emotions on his sleeve and the fact that he's not be as intimate with me since the last break up, makes me question him. But he promises that he loves me, and that he'd do anything for me. I trust his words oddly enough, yet I feel like one of those fools. He is really a great guy outside of what I feel is uncharacteristic ads on craigslist.
I know, I'm silly right?
(Sorry if this is too long lol)
