Venting Time

[DBSKIsMine]

Ok this will probably be a long-winded rant and I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm looking for in post this other than to vent but bear with me.

I broke up with my BF of eight months (longest relationship I've ever had and I'm 26 going on 27 in July) back in early January. It was my decision, and I can easily say it was a good one that I have not regretted for a second.

Recently, I've decided to get back into the dating game. I've had a profile on OkCupid off and on before and had decent luck in the past, so I checked it out. I met a guy on there whose profile just blew my mind...he seemed to be the whole package. I sent him a message...didn't hear back from him. I figured, no big deal. No harm, no foul you know?

Well 3 weeks later (and the day after I had a really awkward date with another guy) he messages me back out of the blue. We hit it off, start texting, decide to meet up. He's a pretty nice guy...has a BS and a BA...currently working on his Masters...very attractive (especially considering me...I'm 5'9" about 225 lbs, but I carry it quite well and am on a quest to lose more...the guys that I consider attractive rarely show interest in me in any sort of romantic sense). We went out to dinner and spent about 4 hours talking. We ended the evening with a hug and he texted me later saying he wanted to see me again and had wanted to kiss me but thought better of it (I had said the same thing a moment prior).

So we met up again a few days later, this time on his side of town. We got lunch then went back to his place to watch some TV. About 20 minutes into the first episode, he pauses the show and kisses me. He smiles and says "Figured I'd get this out of the way." I'm totally not complaining. We spent about 7 hours together total and about 2 of them were devoted to making out, among other things (not all the way, of course, but a hand or two may have strayed)...all of which HE initiated. He even made me dinner.

I leave, feeling confident that this is going somewhere, we both agree we'd like to meet up again. Over the course of the next week he becomes super distant from a text perspective (the only consistent line of communication we have). I figure as he is a grad student with a full time job he's just really busy. However, when we do talk and I bring up the subject of hanging out again, he dodges the question or goes silent. I try to ignore it and just change the topic.

Well, on Wednesday we get to texting more consistently and he says he's been mulling over his feelings for me and that his feelings are all friendship oriented...isn't that kind of a no shit thing?

I don't know where I came off like I wanted him to commit to me ASAP. I just don't get the thought process. Was he expecting to fall madly in love with me and because it didn't happen by date two it automatically wasn't going to? It just seems like he did a full 180 and it actually bothers me a lot because I had a really good feeling about him.

The frustrating part for me is that I was with one guy for such a long time (for me, anyway) that I've kind of forgotten how to play this game...and I almost don't want to anymore. I also live in an area where a guy like me isn't exactly a hot commodity, but I don't feel like I should have to lower my standards.

Am I asking for too much? Ultimately I just want a guy that shares similar interests with me. I'm not even very picky about looks. Got a spare tire? I'm ok with that. Just don't be mind-bogglingly huge. I used to be there (nearly 300) and lost a lot of it because I hated the way I looked. I just don't feel like I should be having as much trouble as I am.

I also feel like I'm not getting any younger and the older I get the less likely I will be able to find someone.

Again, I'm not really looking for anything specific on here. I needed to vent more than anything. I apologize if this post was very random and incoherent.

Thoughts? Opinions? Sage advice? I'll even let anyone here critique my OkCupid profile. Maybe I'm not presenting myself in the best light...who knows?

 

[Brtyui]

Well for one thing, you don't have to play that game. It is entirely up to you. I would say however though that people can find someone they like or even love at any age, i know this may sound like silly advice but it's true. My boyfriend is considerably older and thought like you did, but here he is in his "first proper gay relationship" so never say never DBSKIsMine.

As for guys and the dating game, it is sometimes hard to just get back on the scene after a long term relationship. I should know since my longest relationship has been a 3 year one and to be honest, i found it extremely hard to get back in to the swing of things. Although sometimes guys are just like that, god only knows i have come across plenty of them. There isn't much you can do but just move on, you will find all type of guys out there, it is just a matter of recognizing the signs that people put off (or at least that's what i do). Some guys just aren't too sure and honestly could make a mistake in how they feel wither its friendship/fondness/love. I certainly have.

I do sometimes think that gay relationships in particular move particularly fast, and believe that is the downfall of gay relationships. (though that's just a generalization of my opinion) They are faster than heterosexual relationships and that when guys say "i would like to meet up with you again" they sometimes get the "commitment vibe" however i don't think you should lower your standards. Setting standards makes pressure for finding someone to fit within those restraints, but not having a set standard could give the appearance that you will date anyone able. It is just trying to find that happy medium.

My only best advice for you is; if you don't want to play the "dating game" then don't feel you have to since your single and out in the so called "market". Just be your self, with a good positive image of yourself, i believe it helps create a good image to others too. I do wish you the best of luck thou don't give up x

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't think he did a 180. He met you, and liked you, and he needed a few dates to figure out what manner of "liking" it was. I can understand you are not happy with his feelings, but I don't think - based on what you told us - that you have grounds to be angry at him.

 

[greyhorse]

DBSK, no problem with sharing and getting opinions. Sounds like you are in a somewhat isolated community, but nevertheless, there is someone out there for you. You just have to hang in there and always feel positive about yrself. I can't give any real advice because I have had only a few longish term relationships, probably because I am real picky and occasionally the right guy comes along. So hang in there, keep looking, keep meeting ad you never know mr right may be closer than you think. Good luck with all aspects of your life and thanks for sharing. All the best, G ooooo

 

[Seasoned]

Be picky and shop around. One must kiss lots of frogs before one finds his prince. I don't mean to be flip but you've stated that you don't do this often and are just getting back into it. There's no science to this and no formula. I bet the guy has been dating a lot and found someone he'd like to pursue. Hang in there. Your turn will come, probably soon after you develop a take it or leave it attitude. Good luck.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

I don't think he did a 180. He met you, and liked you, and he needed a few dates to figure out what manner of "liking" it was. I can understand you are not happy with his feelings, but I don't think - based on what you told us - that you have grounds to be angry at him.

I'm not so much angry at him. He's entitled to whatever opinion he wants. I'm just more frustrated at the situation because it was one of those "WTF" moments.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, on Wednesday we get to texting more consistently and he says he's been mulling over his feelings for me and that his feelings are all friendship oriented...isn't that kind of a no shit thing?

...I don't know where I came off like I wanted him to commit to me ASAP. I just don't get the thought process. Was he expecting to fall madly in love with me and because it didn't happen by date two it automatically wasn't going to? It just seems like he did a full 180 and it actually bothers me a lot because I had a really good feeling about him....

...The frustrating part for me is that I was with one guy for such a long time (for me, anyway) that I've kind of forgotten how to play this game...and I almost don't want to anymore. I also live in an area where a guy like me isn't exactly a hot commodity, but I don't feel like I should have to lower my standards...

Am I asking for too much? ...
I also feel like I'm not getting any younger and the older I get the less likely I will be able to find someone.

... I needed to vent more than anything.

Well, hopefully you feel better now that you got all that out of your system..

Step back from things for a second and take an objective look at the situation. Honestly, you're bringing some baggage into the situation and not the Louis Vuitton kind.

This guy was honest with you. He's not ready for a relationship (and if he's in grad school, there's a good reason). But he probably also senses that baggage and how much you want a relationship and and he's being honest that he's not ready to get involved with someone who is on a bit of a rebound.

And there's always a big temptation when you're coming out of a relationship is to jump back into another one. Big mistake. You're 26. Enjoy your life. Make this "me" time. Get in shape. Renew friendships. Date. Meet people and see them naked. Don't let loneliness rush you into putting pressure on yourself and on the guys you meet.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

Your turn will come, probably soon after you develop a take it or leave it attitude.

Can you elaborate on this? I'd hate to meet someone I have an interest in and come off like I'm disinterested with such an attitude. Or perhaps I'm misunderstanding?

 

[DBSKIsMine]

...he's not ready to get involved with someone who is on a bit of a rebound.

And there's always a big temptation when you're coming out of a relationship is to jump back into another one...Don't let loneliness rush you into putting pressure on yourself and on the guys you meet.

You have a good point. I always assumed rebound meant more that I was not over the person from my previous relationship and were therefore trying to fill that void left by that specific person, rather than in a more general sense.

You're right, I want a relationship...however it is because I like the idea of being WITH someone rather than the fact that I miss my ex (that's a completely different story altogether. My life became MUCH less stressful after that breakup)...how do I know when I've reached the point where it's no longer rebound?

 

[KaraBulut]

My life became MUCH less stressful after that breakup)...how do I know when I've reached the point where it's no longer rebound?

When you meet a really great guy and you think, "Oh, do I really want to give up being single for this guy?".

Or when you look at someone and you can smell the desperation and think, "Oh, that used to be me!"

 

[DBSKIsMine]

When you meet a really great guy and you think, "Oh, do I really want to give up being single for this guy?".

Or when you look at someone and you can smell the desperation and think, "Oh, that used to be me!"

Sounds a lot easier said than done. I think my biggest problem is that I crave the affection...the kissing, the cuddling, etc. I don't want sex...well, I do, but it's not the most important thing. I'm definitely past the point in my life where I want anything NSA. Just like it's difficult for me to even know how to get back into the dating game, it's hard for me to now have sex with someone without feeling like there needs to be some kind of emotion behind it...not sure where I'm going with this to be honest.

There's just so many aspects of a relationship that I enjoy...it's bizarre to be back in a place where I don't have that. It's almost like a drug...love is complicated, isn't it?

 

[altlover85]

Sounds a lot easier said than done. I think my biggest problem is that I crave the affection...the kissing, the cuddling, etc. I don't want sex...well, I do, but it's not the most important thing. I'm definitely past the point in my life where I want anything NSA. Just like it's difficult for me to even know how to get back into the dating game, it's hard for me to now have sex with someone without feeling like there needs to be some kind of emotion behind it...not sure where I'm going with this to be honest.

There's just so many aspects of a relationship that I enjoy...it's bizarre to be back in a place where I don't have that. It's almost like a drug...love is complicated, isn't it?

DBSK, sorry to hear about how things went. I know that dating can be hard and that there's a high chance for mixed signals.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a realistic view of yourself. You're activley working on becoming healthier, which is great. I think that in and of itself is going to be attractive and I would definitely keep focused on that.

As far as feeling like you're getting old, I can understand that too, as I'm just a month younger than you, but ultimately 26 or even 27 is not old, even if it can seem that way at times due to the youth obsession in the gay community. You have plenty of time to meet someone.

I would definitely keep yourself out there and availalbe and at the same time try and live your life and enjoy being single. Think about how nice it is to be able to come and go as you please and just do the things you want to do.

I also understand where you're coming from with needing affection and wanting more than just NSA sex. However, I think sometimes a FWB situation can work well in those times. My current boyfriend was supposed to just be a fling, but we found that we really liked each other and things progressed from there.

I would stay open to all possiblities and keep your head up. It sounds like you're a decent guy and I think that you'll find romance again.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

So a week later, this is still bothering me and I have no idea why. I feel like this was a crushing blow to my self esteem. Every time I think about how this situation went down it just makes me feel so inadequate about myself.

I'm assuming it stems from the fact that I found him so attractive and that, in my mind, he was the type of guy who would have never shown an interest in me in any other case, I fooled myself into believing I had lucked out and of course, since it didn't, I feel incredibly down about how I let myself believe that in the first place. It's had me feeling very depressed the last few days.

I honestly think it has more to do with how it made me feel about myself, rather than it was him specifically. I had no strong feelings for him. I liked him, I was attracted to him. But I think the fact that I thought I could potentially have a guy like him and was simply proven wrong once more is what gets me more than anything.