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Very confused

dannyboi92

dannyboi92

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So I had a very interesting experience today. Just a little backstory...

I have been very confused sexually for most of my 20s. I always thought I wanted a girlfriend, then about 4 years ago, me and a good friend started hooking up and she was great. We finally went to have sex, it was my first time, and mid-way through I went soft. I chalked it up to being incredibly nervous.

We tried numerous times afterward, and I could never keep it up. With and without condoms. She tried everything, but after like 10 minutes, I couldn't seem to keep my focus. This pretty much sealed the deal for me that I am gay. I had been watching lots of gay porn at the time, not really any straight porn, but I truly cared about this girl. Anyway, we broke it off and I've been rather asexual up until tonight.

For the longest time, I wanted to just try it out with a guy just to see what it's like and if I truly like it. I had been lurking on RentBoy for the last few months and picked out a stunning guy and finally had the balls to call him today to set up an appointment. (I'm too closeted to even think about going to a gay bar, not to mention I wouldn't know the first thing to do with a guy).

Anyway, this guy is really hot and we get into bed and start making out and such, and no matter what I could not maintain an erection. Finally, I got hard and he stuck me in him and then, yet again, similar to with the girl, I got limp. We tried many other things, him jerking me off, me staring at him, etc. and nothing worked. I couldn't really get it up. At this point, I was no longer nervous, just annoyed. He was also getting a little annoyed and wanted to get it over with which didn't make things easier for me. Finally, I just sat down and stared and him and raced through an ejaculation. Pretty sure I was only half hard :(

Right now, I feel incredibly confused. Is something wrong with me? I have no problems maintaining erections when I'm at home watching porn but for some reason I lose focus in the presence of somebody else. Is this something common? I really don't know what to do.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
 
I would try and see a counselor. It sounds like an intimacy problem.

How much do you jerk off? How is your sex drive?
 
I can't say if you're straight, gay or bi - that's something only you can know. For your performance problems I have no doubts that they are due to nerves. You had problems when you tried for the first time with that girl-friend of yours and subsequently you always had the added pressure of "I can't fail now" which made every time you tried after the first time more difficult. I guess when you tried with the guy it was a similar reason. I imagine you were rather nervous, trying to have sex with a guy for the first time and using that as a measuring stick to determine if you're gay/bi/straight or if something is wrong with you sexually.

It's easier to say than do but the key is to relax and don't do anything you have any reservations about. Do what works for you to relax (alcohol, meditation, pot, music...) and don't try to force it (and remember to stay safe ;)).
 
I jerk off quite a lot. To the point where I had to curb myself to only once or twice a day. I'm incredibly horny alone, (and I exclusively watch gay porn) but I don't know what it is when I'm with somebody else.

Halfway through my experience with the guy, I don't even think I was nervous. I was very into what was happening. But I just found my mind wandering. Almost as if I was bored. But I wasn't bored! I don't know
 
dannyboi92 said:
Halfway through my experience with the guy, I don't even think I was nervous. I was very into what was happening. But I just found my mind wandering. Almost as if I was bored. But I wasn't bored! I don't know
Click to expand...

Sounds like you gave up...

The thing is that you are able to get an erection and jack off till completion (I assume) by yourself so there is nothing physiologically wrong with you. The problem is psychological and stress, whether you are aware of it or if it's in the back of your mind, is a big cause of sexual problems. I know that saying "just relax" sounds like a shitty advice, but it's usually what does the trick and relaxing is harder than it sounds. It's like saying "don't think about X" of course you're going to think about X more than ever. When you try to relax you tend to tense up so that's why I said "don't force it".

I hope any of this makes sense...
 
You might want to stop masturbating if you know you're going to be with someone. I would go cold turkey for a week, or at least a few days.
 
I think you're more in love with you than anyone else at the moment.

Obviously meaningless, mechanical sex isn't the thing for you.

I'd also get checked out by a doc for general physical conditions as well and discuss your performance anxiety with him.
 
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