Very much in the closet and feeling lonely

[DanC76]

That pretty much explains my life at this point.

My wife left me after 7 years of marriage cause she sensed that I was never really that much in love with her. I did enjoy spending time with her and I even miss her now, but our sex life really didn't amount to much. Sex was obviously very important to her and I just couldn't provid her with what she wanted sexually. All I know is that I'm very sexually attracted to men and have been all my life. I had a brief homosexual experience when I was 14 with another boy my age and remember I really liked it at the time, but that is the only homosexual experience I have ever had. Coming to terms with my sexuality has been very difficult for me considering that I come from a very conservative Baptist family, but I think I'm now just accepting the fact that I'm gay and I can't change it. I guess I have never really been in love either, I realize now that I married more out of a sense of what my family expected of me. I feel rather guilty thinking back on it now! I often long to be held and loved by another man, but wonder if I could ever get up the nerve to tell someone I'm close to how I truly feel sexually.

The whole ideal about being gay gives me a deep feeling of loneliness, in that once I reveal this to my family and friends that they will cease being my family and friends. Can anyone give me advice on how to make this transition? I'm feeling lonely and lost, but I also believe I can only feel free from this burden if I make that big step. How did you guy overcome this fear?

Having mixed feelings

 

[Blueboy369]

You don't owe anyone any explanations about your sex life. No one is running to you and telling you what THEY like in bed. Let this be a time for self discovery. Buy/rent some gay cinema. Read some gay books. Go to a gay bar and have a beer. Try making yourself happy. Let life happen.

 

[paboy67]

hey dude,

Blueboy's advice is good - you don't have to explain your sexual preference to anybody

however, if you feel that you are living a lie, you have to make the decision to tell people - as gradually as you choose to - and in your own time.

I came out after my ex-wife left me for reasons other than my sexuality - and after the initial fight to stay together, I realised that it was a huge blessing in disguise.

I have some good friends of your vintage who have done the whole straight married suburban kids thing - which is where I was. And their kids are now grown up - and their ex-wives are their friends. They have managed total acceptance - which I guess depends a lot upon the people involved - and any hurt or personal bigotry that they might have.

My daughter was only 3 months old - she will grow up knowing nothing different than her Dad being gay. My family accepted me - totally and utterly - I guess I have been incredibly lucky.

Without knowing all of your circumstances, my advice would be as per Blueboy's - with the rider that you should not be too much in anybody's face about it. (My Mum did tell me that I was a bit over the top about it at first - and that that aspect of my coming out was hard for them to handle.)

do it in your own time - if you choose too, and be gentle with those who you choose to tell - if in doubt, wait till it suits you.

if in the end you tell them and they have a problem, then they can deal with it.

big congrats to you for making this post

lots of love

 

[Huskerboy]

Dan - It sounds like things have been pretty rough lately... but I'm glad you've finally come to terms with who you are. Even though it can be overwhelming, it was a good move, and one that I'm confident you'll feel better about as time passes.

It's easy to feel guilty and ashamed about things in your marriage, but you shouldn't feel that way. You did what you thought you were supposed to do. It's been instilled in you while you were growing up, and something you thought was the right thing to do. I have no doubt that you and your wife loved each other - and on some level - probably still do. However, each of you finally came to terms with what your needs were, and since both people and relationships change, you've both found yourselves in different places. It's okay to acknowledge the loss of your marriage - you wouldn't be human if you didn't. But don't beat yourself up over it. You've made a huge step toward becoming the real you, and you should feel good about that.

Give yourself a little time to come to terms with what's been happening in your life. Only then, and only you will know, when the time is right to come out to family and friends. You need to feel good about who you are. You need to continue being honest with yourself, and acknowledge who you are because you want to, and not something you think you need to do.

Being gay shouldn't cause you to feel lonely. You've just discovered and admitted to yourself who you really are, so take some time working on what you need out of life - then go after it! Take some time getting to know the new you. Get out, meet people, make some new friends, and get to know what it is that truly makes you tick. Once you have both your feet on the ground, then step back and look at where you're at... if you feel the need to tell family and friends about who you really are, then do it. As you know, this doesn't always end in the happiest of circumstances, but that's a chance we all have to take.

I'm proud of you, and wish that your journey to this point in your life hadn't been filled with so much turmoil. But you're here, and I know once you get your footing, once you get a sense of what you need and want out of life, that nothing's going to stop you.

Hang in there!

Husker

 

[rareboy]

Well, we're glad to have you finally join us, because you now have a chance to experience the passion and joy that has been missing in your life thus far. You'd be surprised at how manyguys have gone through the same thing as you have for a number of years and at the outset, when they acknowledge to themselves that they're gay, they feel lonely and isolated.

And then they find true love.

Your transition to coming out doesn't have to be rushed. If I were you, I would confide in the friends you know won't abandon you. Starting with on-line support is a first great step.

 

[KaraBulut]

Can anyone give me advice on how to make this transition?

Yes. Do not do it alone.

If the "Arlington" that you live in is the one in Texas, there are two very excellent gay churches that offer counseling programs in your area. There are many recovering Baptists there just like you. Look 'em up.

 

[G-Lexington]

A common theme you'll see here in CO&R is that the love of true family and friends isn't conditional. If a real friend of yours was going through some rough times, you wouldn't say "Well, I'd rather not deal with that" and cut off contact. You'd BE there for them. Will you lose some family and friends by coming out? Possibly, yes. But as Joan Jett sang, "You got nothing to lose - you don't lose when you lose fake friends." You don't have to make a huge proclamation to them, but there's no reason you need to lie to them, either.

Get out there. As suggested above, look into gay groups in your area. Get to know some people "on the other side". Once you do, you'll probably feel less lonely, and certainly less alone.

Lex