Virginty--Do I Tell?

[Joey Smith]

Hiya jubbers, hows it going? Havent posted on here in forever and I need a little advice.Well the last few months or year I should say have been all over.Unbelievable highs and unbearable lows all at the same time. I feel that the last few months of my life have been going througha flux but I'm enjoying each day soo much now.

I've been single since about the time I came out over a year ago with 2 or 3 possibities with guys.All amounted to nothing, one was a whore and the others kept sending mix messages until I gave up. I was going through one of the worst lonly is me rut and couldnt stand it. The reason for it was becuase of my pride in my virginty.I've had the worst trouble with this blessing/curse. I'm very proud of myself for holding on to it this long but the anger and frustration starts to build. I dont think many guys are/were worthy of it and /I never gave many a chance, and all that I thought were never gave me the chance. Either everyone I'm disgusted by wants to be my first or everyone I'm attracted to doesn want to "have to teach me","dont want to hurt me" or want to "wait until I get more experienced". Um how the hell do I start if no one wants to give me a chance?You have to start somewhere but I'm not starting at the bottom with desperation.

I asked my friends what to do and they never tell. It adds too much pressure and changes the mood,find someone I'm attracted to and have fun just say I havent done it in a while.

Well a week after I get this advice, I meet him. I've met him before and never thought much about it but he was intersted and I somewhat ,so I took a chance. Instant connection and we ended up talking for 4 hours on the phone our first night.We have an incredible amount in common,all my friends like him and know him and although I wish Ihad more time with him than I get, I feel like I've known him longer and he's just a great guy. With other men I've always questioned them or their motives with me but never with him.

But heres my dilemma.
We've been together for about a month and I feel very strongly towards him on so many levels, I can see him as my first. But he thinks I've actually been with 3 guys and just have been single for the last year. He doesnt know I'm a virgin, which is kinda my fault.But I feel he has a right to know yet I 'm afraid of what happens afterwards.The one thing about our relationship has been full blown honsety about everything, which I believe has help us to get close so quickly but I'm holding back/lying about a huge aspect of it.
I'm pretty much an asexual person, I've masturbated probably about 4 times in my entire life, i just cant do it.So I know 1st time is going to be quick. Without great sex a relationship dwindles. Its not everything but its major part. Bad sex with everythng else good can lead to resentment in a relationship. So what do I do? Do I keep the secret despite it killing me and see what happens, or do I tell and hope for the best?

 

[G-Lexington]

Tell.

If you've never even masturbated that much, it'll be EXTREMELY obvious the first time that you're a virgin. I really doubt he'll believe otherwise. So tell him the truth. Preferably before you get into bed with him. If he wants to know why you said (or implied) that you weren't a virgin, tell him the truth there, too. "I was really embarrassed about that. Part of me is proud of holding on to my virginity for someone I really want to share it with, but I also feel some guys will think I'm some sort of freak for not having done it yet." If this guy is as cool as you make him out to be, he'll understand.

And as for your first time? Yes, it'll be REALLY quick. Tak e that into consideration. Get into bed, have him get you off with a couple strokes (that's all it will probably take), relax a bit...and then the real sex can start.

Lex

 

[UC3543]

Yes tell him the truth and if he's the great guy you think he is and as great as you describe, he'll love the fact you are a virgin.

And as far as this being your first time and you being worried about the sex being bad, I think if you realy love the guy and if he really loves you the sex won't be bad at all - it just may take a little practice a little trial and error to get it great - but once again if he's the guy you think he is, he'll love goingthrough this with you.

You are only 20 and the fact that you haven't "done it yet" should be a huge turn on to him.

 

[Just_Believe18]

If you claim you're asexual, I think that's more of a problem for him to know about than your virginity.


As for your virginity, it's a good thing to be and tell. Historically, people have paid fortunes to claim that status.

 

[wildhog]

go with the flow. relax it is only sex.

 

[crzyrazn]

I would assume that being a virgin would be a turn on with guys...I don't understand why it would be a turn off instead. I would be pleased if my first time could be with another virgin. Being one myself, I am very proud of the fact that I am a virgin. I would tell a potential partner, and if they don't thinks it's cool...oh, well.

Yes, I think you should tell him the truth. It will be a burden lifted if you did. If he really likes you, he shouldn't mind. This way it will not be bothering you, and you won't be nervous if you do, in fact, have your first time with him as it could make you uncomfortable.

 

[Rand]

I do agree with all the wise people above, be honest with him and expect the best - expect love and tenderness and patience. That really is not too much in exchange.

 

[drhladnjak]

I would assume that being a virgin would be a turn on with guys...I don't understand why it would be a turn off instead. I would be pleased if my first time could be with another virgin. Being one myself, I am very proud of the fact that I am a virgin. I would tell a potential partner, and if they don't thinks it's cool...oh, well.

Yes, I think you should tell him the truth. It will be a burden lifted if you did. If he really likes you, he shouldn't mind. This way it will not be bothering you, and you won't be nervous if you do, in fact, have your first time with him as it could make you uncomfortable.

I agree that honesty is the best policy here. If the guy is right, it won't be a problem.

Personally, I don't necessarily view virginity as a turn on, although I've never actually been in the situation of possibly getting involved with a virgin either. There's certainly something to be said for having experience and knowing what you're doing. That said, teaching can be fun too I suppose.

 

[thermodynamics]

Definitely tell him. You said yourself that honesty has been a big part of your relationship so far. If this guy's really as great as you say he is, your virginity/inexperience will not affect him. I would think it would be an honor for him, and that he'd want to do everything to make your first time extra special.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Honesty always sounds good. Especially, if you see this dude as someone with long-term intentions.

Yet, do not make any 'I am so proud of my virginity' remarks. This is both rather lame and MAY imply that you are a person with personality issues, low sex drive and what not. The right dude has not come along yet, so this isn't a big deal.

Your potential BF is probably not a virgin and your emphasizing your virginity, as if it were a greatly coveted 19 century virtue might put him on a defense. You do not want that and you do not want to make any issue there.

You are in charge and in control here. You decide, if the dude happens to be the right one (or not) and you go with it without much ado.

That's just my 2 cents...

SC

 

[Lube]

If you claim you're asexual, I think that's more of a problem for him to know about than your virginity.

I agree with Just_Believe18. You threw in your asexuality as an afterthought, but I think it's the biggest issue here.

Are you afraid of sex? You don't even masturbate?

I think there are psychological or physical issues that may need to be addressed. There's nothing wrong with being asexual if that's what you want, but you'll want to find someone who's equally asexual. Otherwise your partner will be frustrated or you'll be bored to tears.

 

[rareboy]

If you are over twelve years old and have only masturbated four times in your life, I believe that you are in dire need of medical assessment. There must be underlying physical conditions that should be dealt with before you set out to become someone's fuck puppet.

I can't imagine why you're so proud of virginity. How fucking high do you hold the bar? No one good enough for you? Please. It sounds more like a control response that allows you to avoid intimacy and a healthy sexual and emotional life.

All I can say is that the guyd that don't want to teach you are likely anticipating some heavy lifting from the baggage you're carrying around. Maybe you should allow one of the guys that disgusts you to fuck you senseless so that when you hook up with one of the perfect guys, you won't be a crushing disappointment for them.

Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

and it's clear that you're the one with the underlying psychological issues because you seem to act as if you know what you're talking about... but you're sadly mistaken... if you believe everything you said up there then i suggest for you to see a shrink and maybe talk about YOUR sexuality and how you lost it to a complete stranger and also how you now hold a resentment towards anyone who can save themselves for a person who actually respects them.

I honestly could care less if guys want to remain virgins for life...as long as they don't feel superior about it.

If you check the Augustinian order of the seven deadly sins, I believe you'll find pride, as in 'I'm very proud of myself for holding on to it this long but the anger and frustration starts to build.' at the top of his list. I believe anger is right up there too.

....and please, stop trying to transfer your suppositions about what I did or didn't do with my own virginity sweetie....but I can guarantee you it wasn't 'gut wrenching' or or loaded down with a whole lot of emotional and moral bullshit. It was a blast; the person became a lifelong friend and we still laugh about how much fun it was.

 

[drhladnjak]

it's just that not everyone wants to hook up with disease-ridden whores and would rather save it for a partner who will not only fuck you good but have something to talk about with after-wards...

I'll grant you that there is something to being with a guy who's more than just a fuck, but if you honestly think hookups can only happen with "disease-ridden whores", I'd say you have some serious misconceptions you need to work through.

 

[rareboy]

although i'm sorry to hear that there's more people like you...

it's just that i want the world to be a safer place... for me and for everyone else

^ ....and you think that I'm rude and need therapeutic help.

You also seem to suffer from what I would describe as a superiority complex indicative of fairly well developed narcisism and self interest.

At some point, people have to be prepared to take great risks and to want to give others pleasure; not only receive it themselves. We already live in a world obsessed with staying safe. It is becoming increasingly sterile and joyless, starved of creativity and profound ideas.

If Joey doesn't have a medical condition, we have a young man so wrapped up in some bizarre idea of staying pure for Mr. Right, that he has even denied himself the simple pleasure of a physiological response to stimulii through masturbation.

I think that Joey has set his bar very high in order to build a shield between him and intimacy with others that might just demand sharing of himself completely. I think this is what likely drives off the guys he thinks are fuckworthy. It is not his virginity they find repugnant, but the ethos that underlies it.

...but i just do think we need to de-commercialize the concept of hook-ups being a normal thing... or something that we all need to do...

...and who pray tell has suggested this in this thread?

Finally, you may think of me as a disease raddled whore who has contributed to the decline and fall of gay civilization but I suspect there will be more people crying at my funeral than yours.

 

[rareboy]

Just a footnote to the above, the issue was whether Joey should tell. It is very telling that someone so incredibly proud of being a virgin wouldn't want to give this gift of information to the special chosen person who is going to take it. This would seem to suggest that staying a virgin wasn't about saving this 'gift' for anyone, but actually an exercise in self-control and self-denial.

The fact that Joey's even been lying about it, diminishes its value.

Of course he should tell.

 

[drhladnjak]

Before I respond, I just wanted to ask everybody to take a deep breath and cool down a bit. Remember, this is the no flame zone. I may expressing some strong opinions, but I only do it because I care

lol well i don't think they're only with "disease-ridden whores" but it was more of a "heat of the moment" kind of thing and i just typed it... but i just do think we need to de-commercialize the concept of hook-ups being a normal thing... or something that we all need to do... and it's not that i wanna be a kill-joy it's just that i want the world to be a safer place... for me and for everyone else

As much as there's a commercialization of hookups being acceptable, it's important to remember than in the larger (straight) culture, promiscuity and being gay are still largely frowned upon. Despite the change in what young people view as acceptable behavior, it's just as acceptable to refer to people who engage in that behavior as "whores" or "tramps" and generally look down on them. This is why we get this bizarre duplicity where we have Brittany acting like a slut on stage while claiming virginity off stage.

The key is to think hard about what you've been presented with, both by the right-now, have fun, have sex culture and by the more traditional premarital sex is bad and you're a bad person if you do it culture. It's important to remember that both of these cultures have formed their mores without for the most part considering the specific circumstances of gay people. In particular, pregnancy, differences in sex drives between men and women and some other big issues just don't apply to us. So why should I take those rules at face value when they were developed for people in very different circumstances than me?

For gay men today, the largest concern surrounding promiscuous sex has to do with HIV, although other STDs are of concern as well. Fortunately, there are ways of protecting yourself against these and many can be easily cured. Nothing is risk free, but it's the equivalent of living in a post birth-control pill world for the straights.

We each have to lead our lives and make our own judgments about what's acceptable for our own lives. And what's right for your life may not be what's right for mine or anybody else's. Personally, I've decided that sometimes I like NSA sex, so long as the guy is not psycho and goes into the situation with the same expectations as I do. I'm not going to feel bad about that, because it works for me. I know others (including personal friends) for whom it doesn't work or doesn't work as frequently and that's fine.

It's about figuring out what works for you and being safe while you do it, not rejecting certain options because they're simply "dirty" or "wrong". Always think hard before you decide.