Waiting until marriage to have sex

[JayQueer]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering about your take on my situation.

I'm in my mid 20's, I'm from the U.S., and I am of Asian Indian descent (my parents are immigrants from India). I was raised in a conservative & traditional culture, where people still have (heterosexual) arranged marriages.

I'm gay and I came out about a year ago to my family. I'm trying to meet guys, but it's difficult since I'm shy and there's the cultural gap, since most gay guys around here are White, and maybe they can't relate to me.

I'm a virgin. The thing is, I just don't feel a burning desire to "hook up" with a guy. I don't want to have one-night-stands. I just want to be with one man.

I know that I'm a total "bottom" (I don't have any desire to penetrate, but I do want to be dominated & penetrated).......so for me, my "cherry" is a gift that I want to give to my partner.

This might sound silly coming from a gay man..........but is it okay to wait until my same-sex marriage or civil union, etc -- to have sex?

 

[HunterM]

First of all, you have control over your life. If you're not ready to have sex, then don't have sex. Don't let anyone pressure you into it. If you want to wait for that special person and until you're married, then so be it. As long as you're not doing harm to another person, what is ok for one person may not be ok for another person.

Reality is...it is not easy for find a gay man in US who is willing to wait until after marriage to have sex. I'm not saying it is impossible...but it's just not easy. It's easier to find women who are willing to wait until after marriage to have sex (most of them are church going young women. Women reach their sexual peaks in their thirties). Most men (gay or straight) are more sexual and less patient.

You would have to date a guy who believes in the same philosophy as yours (as far as waiting until after marriage to have sex) for your dating relationship to work. In general, there aren't too many of them around in the US.

You don't have to have a one night stand. What about dating someone and get to know them really well then have sex as in a boyfriend relationship (instead of waiting after marriage)? Physical contact and sex is an important bonding for 2 people in a relationship. It can strengthen that relationship.

This is your life. You have to make choices based on what is available for you. You are an adult. You don't need other people's approval. Only you will know what is right for you and if it's worth the effort.

 

[AsianDream]

so for me, my "cherry" is a gift that I want to give to my partner.

This might sound silly coming from a gay man..........but is it okay to wait until my same-sex marriage or civil union, etc -- to have sex?

I think the concept of "No sex before marriage" would be very difficult for Gay guys to understand.

I'm Chinese Asian (though been in OZ for a while) - my attention was drawn to the fact that you are out to your parents.

This would be totally unthinkable in my family culture - just as the idea of being able to "marry" (or civil parner etc) someone of the same gender does not exist in HK or mainland China. Those that waited for marriage to have sex would be celibate for a rather long time.

Yeah whatever floats your boat mate,you might want to get your bum up too speed before the big night though,use various sized dildo's or if price prohibitive try root vegetables.

This is very good advice (well maybe not the veggie part) - anal intercourse does need as much advance practice as possible to fully enjoy (or for many guys - to not hurt like hell the first time).

I was very lucky that my first BF was wise and understanding and got me a set of dildos to practice with for a few months before he actually penetrated me.

There is no better way to learn how to relax the "automatic" muscles in your anus than solo practice while masturbating.

 

[hylas]

"is it okay to wait until my same-sex marriage or civil union, etc -- to have sex? "

of course its ok. you dont have to do anything, you can do what you want. its a free country.

that being said, i imagine finding a gay man who wants to stay celibate until marriage will be extremely hard.

i also wouldnt advise you to wait with sex until after making such a serious, life-long commitment. in my experience, sexual chemistry is very hard to predict. sometimes, the nicest, most attractive guy turns out to be a bad match in bed.

so, my advice would be to stop thinking about virginity and marriage in that way. its dated, and i think its gonna make life rather difficult for you. there are things between 'waiting till marriage' and 'one night stand'.

congrats for coming out!

 

[Seasoned]

My thinking is that your thinking on this subject is cultural. Since it's not likely you will have an arranged marriage, you may wish to begin a process of assimilating some of your new culture while maintaining ties to your old. By being first generation you have built in conflicts.

I think you need to sort out who you are attracted to in terms of ethnicity and go from there and then meet guys in some way even if it's online.

I'm going to toss something out that I'm going to apologize for in advance if it offends, but I have some cross-cultural experience and my heart is in the right place. Since you identify as a bottom, I'm wondering if you've taken on a stereotypical cultural image of an inexperienced female in your culture surrendering to her husband on her wedding night?

It's certainly not mandatory but it is possible to rethink and changes one's attitude and cultural belief system.

I wish you all the best as you pursue your goals. Good luck.

 

[Audio Tech]

I was raised with those values. I also wish I had broken them in my 20's.

While I don't think there is anything WRONG with that thinking, here's a little dose of human reality....

Prepare for a lonely life. This rarely ever actually works. The church came up with this idea, not basic human nature. Men, especially, have a problem with this since we tend to want sex by nature.

And by the time you actually DO find a guy with the same induced values, he likely has just as much psychological baggage.

What if you marry someone and then discover you are absolutely NOT sexually compatible?

In the end though, you need to do what feels right for YOU, regardless of what someone else tells you. Do NOT live someone else's life. Live YOURS.

 

[TX-Beau]

Actually in Western culture, the emphasis on female chastity and virginity until marriage was endorsed by the church with all it's sex negative bullshit, but was also culturally expected to ensure the identity of children.

Male chastity is given lip service, but surprise surprise, wink, nod, was never that important and male promiscuity is even tacitly encouraged.

Boys will be boys you know.

Gotta love those double standards.

To the OP. If you want to wait, wait. But consider, I won't commit to someone I haven't slept with - I want no unpleasant surprises. I don't think virginity is particularly valuable or anything, and I'm not alone; and guys who like the fetish idea of Cherry, are probably just after that.

Instead of worrying about all this sex stuff, why not go out there and date some guys, and let what happens, happen.

 

[Rand]

Jay,

Once again I'm going to agree with Tex, the most valuable gift you give to someone is yourself, your love, your trust, your support, you. Be that a virgin or not.

I also agree with you, one-night stands and casual sex don't add value to who I am. Giving yourself in true love and being committed to your partner ought to be what is important.

However, you do need to get out and meet and greet and interact and learn about people. Make friends and find the one that is right for you. Do realize that good relationships are always mutual and sharing and a union of equals. Within your sex, you may prefer being submissive and protected, but I would hope outside of the sex, you will be a complete partner.

Best of luck

Rand

 

[operafan]

I think that when you meet the right guy you will want to have sex with him -- and that will be before you are married. I can't imagine falling in love with someone and not wanting to have sex with him. It is part of what love is -- and you need to know if you are sexually compatible before settling in for the long haul.

 

[JayQueer]

Thanks for all of your replies thus far.

I'm just not ready to have sex, and frankly I don't know when I'll be. I guess I will be lonely & celibate for a long time, but hopefully not.

The idea of me having sex with a man makes me feel awkward -- I mean, I'm attracted to men -- but I'm nervous about not "doing it right"and the mechanics of all of it.

Even though I've come out to my family (I'm close with them), I'm still not totally comfortable with being gay.

That doesn't mean I would try those "ex-gay" or reparative therapies, as first of all I know it's not a "choice" and I'm not even a Christian, nor would I convert to Christianity for the sole reason of being "saved."

But I still instinctively pull away when I come physically close with a guy. I guess after all of those years of being drilled into my head that being gay is "wrong," and that 2 guys should not get too close to each other -- it's hard to let that go.

 

[NineOfClubs]

I also wouldnt advise you to wait with sex until after making such a serious, life-long commitment. in my experience, sexual chemistry is very hard to predict. sometimes, the nicest, most attractive guy turns out to be a bad match in bed.

Few truer words have ever been spoken.

 

[JayQueer]

Few truer words have ever been spoken.

It should be pointed out that you are agreeing about the importance of sexual chemistry, but you also identify yourself as being in an "open relationship." I'm taking that to mean that you are sleeping with multiple men. If you're sleeping around with different guys, then of course sexual chemistry will probably be the most important thing for you.

On the other hand, I value monogamy. I would rather be celibate than sleep around with different men in an "open relationship".

 

[HunterM]

If you're ready for sex, then you're not ready for sex. There is nothing wrong with that.

The issue I see is you're not comfortable being gay. It's understandable since you're new to this. Just know that this is hindering you from dating...in finding that special relationship. Your uncomfortableness in your own skin does not project confidence when you start dating. It may even project a negative vibe. Positive energy draws other people in. Negative energy repels. You see situations like this at work or among friends. Who wants to hang out with a person with a negative attitude, right?

If you want to be in a relationship, work on your internal issues of being gay is ok. Two men getting close is ok. Once your outlook is changed, dating different people is a lot of fun. You will have a better chance in finding that special someone.

 

[hylas]

If you're ready for sex, then you're not ready for sex. There is nothing wrong with that.

haha... i assume this is a typo.

but yeah, nothing wrong with not being ready for sex. no need to make up excuses to not have sex ('ill wait until marriage'). youre not ready until youre ready. take it easy.

It should be pointed out that you are agreeing about the importance of sexual chemistry, but you also identify yourself as being in an "open relationship." I'm taking that to mean that you are sleeping with multiple men. If you're sleeping around with different guys, then of course sexual chemistry will probably be the most important thing for you.

On the other hand, I value monogamy. I would rather be celibate than sleep around with different men in an "open relationship".

not following your logic here... id think that especially if youre monogamous, you want to be with somebody who is a good match. unless youre down for a lifetime of bad sex.

 

[TX-Beau]

It should be pointed out that you are agreeing about the importance of sexual chemistry, but you also identify yourself as being in an "open relationship." I'm taking that to mean that you are sleeping with multiple men. If you're sleeping around with different guys, then of course sexual chemistry will probably be the most important thing for you.

On the other hand, I value monogamy. I would rather be celibate than sleep around with different men in an "open relationship".

Well if that's what you think that open relationships value most, you're just wrong. At least in mine, in most ways, sex is the least important thing. People who put huge value on sex, place all kinds of portentous expectations on it, think that the worst thing that can be done is promiscuity, and put huge value on their own virginity - sound familiar.

Sex is a natural function of your body, it's necessary, no more, no less.

 

[TX-Beau]

Anyway, as has been pointed out, it's not an either or proposition, you don't have to be celibate or promiscuous, there are other options.

 

[palemale]

It sounds to me that you are not comfortable with your body or with the idea of being physically intimate with another person. I don't want to downplay your desire to wait until you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with before you have sex. However, you express a fear of being awkward and being nervous about "doing it right" and "the mechanics" of sex, which suggests to me that your issue with sex goes beyond your being gay or wanting to wait for the right person.

Are you athletic or do you exercise? Perhaps if you felt better about your body and your physical prowess, your fear of having sex would diminish. This is important, whether or not you wait for "the one" to have sex.

 

[hughmc]

I am having a problem with the facts as you state them - that you are gay but you have not had sex or even close bodily contact with another male. To the contrary, you state that you feel uncomfortable and tend to withdraw physically when getting close to another man. Therefore, you have nothing to go on concerning your potential sexuality other than what you feel is in your head. And to me, at least, that would not constitute assurance that I was gay.
If it were me, I would give up on the idea of holding myself until "marriage" and get out and be with other gay males to the extent your culture permits it. And then you could have sex without actual penetration by mutual masturbation, kissing, feeling the closeness of another male body and so on. That could be enough for you to deteremine whether or not you are truly gay - you could be bisexual or even asexual, but the only way to determine that is to experiment.

 

[TX-Beau]

I have to disagree with that. When I was deep in the closet, I knew I was gay, I went out and fucked women, would have run far and fast from any guy who tried to touch me, freaked out or otherwise made an ass of myself if a guy hit on me - all of that because I was absolutely sure I was gay, and I really didn't want to be.

I think what the OP needs to do is de-emphasize the sex in favor of getting comfortable with himself, finding a guy he's comfortable with, at which point I suspect nature will take it's course.

 

[mbamike]

Yes, it is OK to wait. You have sex when you are ready.