Was it me?

[cassandram]

You guys helped so much the last time I had a problem, so I'm reaching out again.

I was approached by an incredibly beautiful guy on Grindr last week about meeting up and I saw him last Friday night at his place. He was even better in person and was so sweet. He made all the first moves from putting his leg on top of mine as we watched TV to leaning in for the first kiss. He asked if I wanted to go into the bedroom and I said sure. We had pretty great sex, showered off, had a playful conversation, he gave me his number, and then I left. Everything seemed great.

I texted him saying I had a great time and I'd like to see him again and he said "sure. I'm busy this week, but the weekend's good. I'd like to see you again. "

All good so far, right? Well, I friended him on Facebook and it turns out we have many mutual friends in common. Fairly soon after, he sent me a text saying "I'd still like to hang out, but I just wanna say that I'd rather back things up to friend territory if you're cool with that. I think you're a really cool guy and I'd love to keep hanging out with you, but I'm not really looking for anything else right now."

I asked him exactly what he meant as in he doesn't want a relationship or doesn't want sex and he said "he was burnt out from sex and taking a chill pill at the moment and relationship wise, he doesn't want any of that."

I'm just curious if it's maybe something I did or the fact that we have mutual friends. Is he scared I'll discuss it with them, 'cause I haven't spoken to them in, like, a decade. He says he's out and everything.

I just don't understand how he could be so into me [the most anyone has EVER been into me] and then back it up to "friends territory." I told him I didn't want a relationship after I thought I might have scared him off. Hell, I'd be fine with just being friends with benefits.

Anyway, he says he wants to hang out this weekend, but I'm half expecting him to cancel the plans at the last minute. What do I do? I really into him and don't just want to be friends [even though I'd settle for that]. Did he just want me for sex once and that's it, cause, I mean, who gets burnt out from sex? I really like him, you guys, and I don't wanna ruin whatever potential this has. He seems really sweet.

 

[Maklaar13]

In my opinion too much too soon. It could very well have been the Facebook thing, when you brought your social media together he probably got a bit scared. Best of luck.

 

[cassandram]

Yikes? Y'think? I feel like an idiot. He seemed happy about the friend request, though.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I agree the Facebook thing was too much too soon. You went from something casual to basically invading his personal space wedging yourself into his whole life... friends, family, coworkers, ... Generally people like to take time to introduce a BF to the parents and here suddenly you the hookup have access to everyone he knows. You skipped months of getting to know you and build trust steps and went straight to creepy stalker.

 

[deathbylemons]

I think you might be reading too much into it? I doubt Facebook is the issue, if he accepted the request I don't think it's the matter here.

Could it be you texted him a little too much, making him feel a little irritated? Or that he feels that you want things to move in one direction and he doesn't and he don't want to lead you on thinking you and him would end up a couple or something. So he's kinda stopping things before it goes too far. From what I read you're it's kinda like a one-sided thing. To him it may be just a hook up, but to you something more. I might be wrong though.

 

[cassandram]

He texted me today and says he wants to hang out this weekend at a gay bar. Hm....not sure what to make of that. I don't really do bars.

 

[lonnie1]

I suggest you go with him and not act like it's a big deal to go out together. You might suggest that you guys have sex, but if he indicates he wants to take it slower, so that. Or, tell him you're only interested in a friends with benefits relationship.

 

[sixthson]

You met and had sex with someone you knew one week. You came away infatuated, he came away wanting something different than you or so he said. You should take him at his word and not look for some deeper meaning. Time will tell.

BTW, it should be "was it I?"

 

[borg69unimatrix]

He texted me today and says he wants to hang out this weekend at a gay bar. Hm....not sure what to make of that. I don't really do bars.

Maybe you should give him a script on how you want/expect him to act/say/do.

 

[Ganoderma]

He texted me today and says he wants to hang out this weekend at a gay bar. Hm....not sure what to make of that. I don't really do bars.

hi cassandram,

good to hear that he texted you today and that he wants to hang out with you. please accept his invitation and just see how things are going. would you mind to tell people over here abit more about your opinion about a bar? do you have an alternative to hang out with him? any idea if he would like your alternative?

i agree with others that you must not read too much into the things. being 'Facebookfriends with each other' is not more that just 'being facebookfriends with each other'. that's all. take your time.

by the way, i fail to understand why both of you cannot hang out together (or do alot of other things together) just because both of you like each other and both of you want to spend time together with each other (so all withhout sex). please respect his boundaries.

good luck and take care.

 

[cassandram]

I guess I am infatuated. I've hardly been able to eat all week. I never get like this over a guy. I've accepted the invitation and hope everything goes well. Thanks, guys. I'm gonna take it slow and see what happens.

 

[Felverick]

Often times these things are a bit of a dance of seduction. If things are too easy right off the bat then people tend to lose interest. It sucks but these things can be a bit of give and take. Especially at the start. There is such a thing as communicating too much, being too available. It's akin to seeming desperate. While not the intention often times it comes off that way. Even just delaying sending texts, tempering your own desires to over communicate.

 

[cassandram]

I'll keep that in mind. I'm a pretty open book, so maybe I should just start letting people read a few chapters.

 

[Felverick]

I'll keep that in mind. I'm a pretty open book, so maybe I should just start letting people read a few chapters.

Precisely. As someone who is similar I know how it can be annoying. I'd rather not have to do the whole dance thing and just be open but I get it. People tend to want that which is slightly out of reach.

 

[thenewkcm]

In situations like this, I like to step back and look at myself. I like to ask "Am I doing my best?" - if the answer is yes, then I don't need to put forth more effort; if the answer is no, then I make better choices.

This is someone you're still getting to know and has only been in your life for a minute. Don't allow your emotions to get you bent out of shape. No one is worth giving up so much of your power and energy. Just take it a day at a time and be more optimistic.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, fuck that game shit, Playing hard to get is stupid, and you don't want any guy who responds to it. I know it's cliche, but jsut be your fucking self. No, not every guy is going to be into you, but then none of us are universally desirable.

Dating is not a relationship, it's the audition for the relationship, going out once isn't even dating. Release the drama, why is it you can't eat over a guy you don't even know?

Go out, have fun, be yourself, and don't expect anything until much further down the line. What's so bad about just making a new friend.

Oh yeah, as has been mentioned, when a guy tells you something, listen to him.

 

[cassandram]

Update: I went to the club and had a decent time. I only spoke with him briefly, but I made a few new friends and went home. Randomly, this morning, he sends me a text asking to have breakfast. We meet and it's absolutely wonderful. We just talk and talk and he even buys my breakfast at the end. I'm not sure what's next, but it feels like there's some momentum here. I don't even have best friends who'd randomly text me and ask me to breakfast, so there's something here. I was just myself and that was that. It did end with a slightly awkward hug, though. Ah, well....I'm gonna wait to text him again. Just be casual about it. Sound good?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi cassandram,

Thanks for the update and good to see you had a nice time while visiting the gay club. I tend to think that is it very positive that he sended you a text message in which he asked to have breakfast with you. That's great man! It seems to me that he likes to be around you and that both of you like to talk with each other. Be yourself and take your time. The breakfast was in a public area? Be casual about it, but realize yourself that he really seems to like you.

Take care & good luck.

 

[cassandram]

Thanks. I really hope this bodes well. And yes, the breakfast was in public. I had such a great time. Now, I'm just trying to figure out what to say next. He mentioned a movie he saw that he really liked. Maybe I should text him and ask what it was called?

 

[deathbylemons]

Great to hear you and him had a great time together. I don't see any harm in you asking him about the movie. Just don't stress yourself thinking what to say and everything, be yourself. If you've got to walk on egg shells when talking to the guy... it's probably not gonna be worth it in the long run.