Was it pedophelia?

[saymyname]

Yes he was a "pedophile". You are still a minor at 14 and you can not consent to sex until you are 16. Therefore that makes him a sexual predator.

He committed statutory rape, and you can call him a predator, but 14 is not prepubescent = not a pedophile. There's a serious blurring of these words and it's a matter of simple definition.

Wow, I wasn't aware NAMBLA members were on here.

Who cares if the guy was a "pedophile" or not - sounds like a creepy perv.

Wow, I wasn't aware totally vapid, thoughtless idiots were on here. Rather than actually refute any of my points, you use a mccarthyist witchhunt scare tactic by trying to associate what I said with the likes of "NAMBLA" - a group that thinks it's okay to fuck little boys. That's far fetched from simply admitting that youth have a sexuality and a sexual agency. I'm not saying the guy isn't questionable or not using predatory tactics, but that doesn't make him a pedophile, which is what the original poster was asking about, if you bothered to read the thread. By the way, if you knew anything about the history of homosexuality, you'd know that it was originally based on age-disparity and that original Gay Liberation icons like Harry Hay supported NAMBLA's right to be a part of a truly liberation-based sexual revolution (albeit, that was before their own political lines were blurred between supporting lowering age of consent laws below 18 and the actual pedo's who wanted to abolish them altogether so they could get with prepubescent kids.) Read a fucking book, have a nice day.

I had a sexual relationship with an older man when I was 15/16 but I know I was mature enough to deal with the physical aspects of the relationship as well as the emotional aspects. He was the furthest thing from predator you can imagine and we still keep in touch from time to time now. If anything I think I sought him out more than he sought me.

I think in your case though with the way you describe the encounters being "one sided" it seems like you weren't fully aware or mature enough at the time to understand the implications of what you were doing and what he was doing to you. He sounds like a predator. I wouldn't say pedophile though but a definite perv.

I agree with you. I like how you point out that sexual maturity and sexual awakening happens at different times for different people and it varies based on circumstances.

 

[tallguy297]

OK... this thread is being moved to H&W - a safe zone. Its an issue that needs discussing in a serious, respectful tone that neither disrespects the OP or trivializes the topic.

While the debate over the technical definition is interesting it misses the point of this thread completely and its time to get it back on track.

pauliesan89 was violated - its as simple as that. There was no mention of consent, nor was there mention of enjoyment do for those of you heading down those paths - stop.

This issue can cause serious emotional and psychological damage when a victim gets old enough to understand the consequences of what happen... its often the case that delayed responses take years to surface.

I would suggest guys that from here on in support, understanding and advice on how to deal, who to seek help from and the ways in which pauliesan89 might move past this are the way to go from here on in.

Thanks guys.

TG.

 

[spencer]

The part that was wrong is that at that age compared to someone 10 years older, he can manipulate your thoughts so that you can make misguided decisions. That's why it bothers you because he knew exactly what to do to get you to like him and because you were so young, that is 100% wrong.

Once you're of consent he can misguide you all he wants, if you fall for it, that's your deal.

 

[bankside]

By the age of 14, you were already capable of making some adult decisions like any adult would. However, at the age of 14, the experience you have available to rely on for making good decisions is very limited.

This guy took advantage of your lack of life experience, and he knew he was doing it. He may not meet the technical definition of a pedophile, but he was exploitive, a predator, and using you, and is a lowlife piece of trash. Especially when your feelings for him were honest and out in the open, he was not giving you the same respect.

 

[Willie Boy]

The question I have is why is this still a big issue - if you are on this site you must be 18 so that's easily 4 years ago that it happened. You must have had time to get counseling over this if it has been bothering you. It seems unlikely that it would become an issue 4 years later.
In any case please get counseling about it because it sounds like it was traumatic in some aspects. There is little that can be done from here in that regard.
But chances are he's in prison because those things progress or go to other violent crimes. But not sure of the country you are in...maybe that's not illegal there...the age of consent is awfully low some places...

I'm reminded of that big news of decades ago I think it was. The bit about the 70 something year old guy who got arrested for being a pedophile and in the process of the investigation they discovered his little black book(s) that had records of literally hundreds of kids he had repeatedly molested! Sadly, these assholes don't always get caught right away. Too many of the victims don't report the crime so the cops have nothing to investigate, until many years later!

This story is a classic example of how these predators operate. They troll sites where children and teens go when confused about their sexuality, offering advice and in many cases just a shoulder to cry on if needed (let's face it, that isn't available in all homes). And when they have gained the youth's trust, they start suggesting sexual activities.

 

[KaraBulut]

The thing that has gotten lost in this thread is what, if any, legacy this experience left you with?

As some of the other members have mentioned, this is the way that predators operate- they appeal to the emotional needs of their victims and they offer what the victim needs - whether it be safety, money, love, security, etc.

And this happens to young girls and young boys who are very vunerable. And the boys/girls end up with very mixed feelings. On one hand, they have affection and feelings toward the older person. On the other hand, it's troubling because the victims feel used, it can aggravate the already difficult period that is adolescence and it can be part of a lifetime pattern of powerlessness and exploitation that continues into adulthood.

Since you mentioned that you tried to find him after the sex incident- was this something that you eventually moved beyond or is it something that still troubles you 6 years later?

 

[Georgiadude]

It doesn't matter what we call him. He took advantage of you, used you for his own gratification and tossed you aside like garbage. He is the scum of the earth. You need to get yourself tested asap if you haven't done so already. You were 14. Below the age of consent and in the eyes of the law that is statutory rape. I think you need to get some counseling and criminal charges should be sought. Lord knows how many other people he is doing this too.

 

[Royal Heart]

Even if it was the guy in my last post?

Oh my no. Even at 14 I had preferences.

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

When the toilets were empty he pushed me into the stall and had sex with me, he did it unsafely and it was very one sided. We watched the rest of the movie and he left after that night i never saw him on msn again or face to face.

Sounds like rape to me.

 

[dscottsw]

This is the story about my first relationship, i would go into the gory details but i told my cousin the other day and she thinks the guy i was with was a pedophile. Would like to know what you all think...

Why does it matter...how long ago did this incident happen? Is whether or not he meets the legal definition of a hebephile (which I think is the technical term you are really talking about). Is this effecting you in some negative way at this point?

Who/what the predator is (and he is a predator) really doesn't matter. What does matter is how you have processed the experience and what kind of map of reality you may have created as a result of that experience.

I had a couple of similar experiences when I was 12-13, and a paperboy, but I look at those as some of my fondest sexual memories. Oh, and then there was wrestling with my next-door neighbor's dad...but, of course, this is about you...Sorry

You are free to process this experience any way you want. Chalk it up to a cool (albeit "cold") sexual experience, or define it in some other way. However, be warned, that defining yourself as the victim of a predator serves no purpose other than to frame yourself as someone who was/is powerless over those kinds of things - and it will (and I mean this) adversely effect your future relationships.

So i was 14 at the time ... he ended up being about 24

The clinical answer to your question is "No, his behavior with you did not meet the criteria of a pedophile." [Careful to note that doesn't mean he isn't one] But that is only the case because at 14, you are not, for clinical psychological purposes, considered a "young child."

Was he a pedophile do you think? i just cant seem to get my head around it

So get your head around this: If that is your [Avatar] photo, you are a nice looking young man, with the possibility of a wonderful future. You made, perhaps, an impulsive decision to hook up with someone you met on line without taking the most common precautions. IMHO that was a mistake, but at least one which did not cost you your life (that time). Learn from the experience, and from now on, define yourself as a "person in process who learns from his experiences and does not repeat his mistakes." Make it into an affirmation. And then know, that from the experience, you are a smarter, richer person because of it.

 

[Shepherd 2]

May I say YES.

He was 24, and I am telling you that is not good. It is anyone over 18 pursuing anyone under 18. It has nothing to do with puberty. As a victim of a pedophile in another day for about four years, I want to say, it was not about sex for him. It is about control and is a crime. Sadly it has had an effect on some lives that last a whole life time. It is a crime in most places I know.

Sadly signing off and wishing you the very best.
Shep+

 

[Willie Boy]

Well, technically a hebephile, and legally, as absurd as that sounds to some, yes. A 17 year old is not, at least in my state, legally able to "consent" to be in such a relationship. Such a relationship could (and believe me, has been) prosecuted with the older person subject to felony charges and several years of jail time.

Normally in those cases it is the parents of the 17yr old and not the 17yr old making the complaint. And usually the two were dating before the older party turned 18. That is one of those gray areas in the law where people don't really know what to do. Do they take the letter of the law or go with the intent of the law.

 

[dscottsw]

Normally in those cases it is the parents of the 17yr old and not the 17yr old making the complaint. And usually the two were dating before the older party turned 18. That is one of those gray areas in the law where people don't really know what to do. Do they take the letter of the law or go with the intent of the law.

Often it is the parents who report it, but that really doesn't change anything. If the parents (or whoever) report(s), it in this state, someone will be prosecuted. And "dating" or not, the 19 year old should very probably be elucidated as to what the law is.

 

[TomahawkEagle]

Pauliesan89, the ten year difference between ages is definitely too much given that you were only 14 and clearly under the age of consent. It would be different if the other guy was say 15 or 16 (though I'd assume this would still be illegal in the United States).

Some countries have close in age provisions. In Australia for example, the age of consent is 16 but there is a provision where it is fine to engage in sexual activities with someone under the age of consent provided the older person is no more than 2 years older than the younger person. This would allow people under the age of consent to develop consensual sexual relationships with someone close to their age even when under age. I started to fool around when I was 14 with other guys of the same age. In all cases of course the encounters were consensual so it's all above board.