Watching 25yr. circle around the drain ...?

[rareboy]

What I meant to say was......

There is a world of difference between the bonds of love and sex at a bathhouse or even with another guy on a hookup basis.

I guess I was so astounded by the idea of giving up brandy to keep your guy.

After 25 years, you've earned the right to only change to please (read: take better care of) yourself. If you do it because you think it will help you hang onto someone else, it will all come crashing down.

You might find though, that joining Kev for long hikes might be a great way to spend quality time together and get the cardio you so desperately need at the creaky age of 57.

 

[Kyanimal]

First of all ... I would like to, Sincerely, THANK, each, and every one, who has replied, commented, and/or sent me a PM! It's YOU Guys who make JUB Awesome!!

Your thoughts have given me some new perspectives. ALL of You have been a tremendous help!

In a way, I started this thread so I could come back, re-read what I posted, and pretending it to be from someone else, try to see how I might respond to it. Shortly after I posted it, I also went to bed to sleep until I woke up. Sometimes my thought patterns sort themselves out while dreaming. And, after what became a 12hr. "Nap", and with Your input, things aren't quite as dire now as they sounded from a slightly drunk, somewhat morose, Chaz, at 2am!

I usually don't bring my own problems Here, though YOU have proven, once again, that it's a great place to do that! So ... what really set this off?

I went down to Chicago Friday night to stay over at a (recently divorced) college buddy's new apartment. Saturday morning, we joined the rest of our "Ol' College Crew", and their wives, (minus his X, of course), for an Architectural Tour on a River Cruise. After that, we all went back to his apartment for lunch and "chatter".

We were all having a great time, on a beautiful day, 300ft. above N. Rush Street, overlooking Lake Michigan. Then the phone rang ... it was for me!

It was Kev. He had gone to "The Club" Friday night where someone had smashed out a window on his truck. He didn't think anything was missing, until he got a few calls from some of his family members. Someone was sending obsene text messages from his cell phone! Now he wanted to know which number he should call to report it stolen, and get it turned off. I told him where to find our last phone bill, and to call the customer service number. No big deal.

But, as I was driving home, later that afternoon, it started to bug me! It had been years, and years, and years, since I'd gotten one of his "help me" calls, about solving a "dicey" situation he'd managed to get himself into. It was a very, very, old pattern, come back to life, from a distant, former, time.

When I got home, I went straight up to my room, unpacked, and laid down for a Nap. (Well, I really was tired. Had been up a bit late the night before.) And, I was not in a good mood to talk. Kev didn't even know I was home, until a few hours later. And, when I finally got up again, purposefully waiting until Kev, and his brother Michael, had left to go out for dinner, I came straight down to the basement, and started to type. I still wasn't ready to talk!

Typing it all out, and hearing Your thoughts, has helped, more than I can say! "The Drain" is now further away than it seemed before! We're going to make it through this, too!

Some random comments from me:

It's not my weight that is a problem, it's the shape my weight is in! When I met Kev I was 130-135lb. (I'm only, barely, 5'6".) Now it hovers between 155-160, not all that bad for being 25yr. older, with a slower metabolism! My problem is my sedantary job, coupled with my sedantary life style, which has caused my navel to move further away from my spine! I serioiusly need to MOVE more! But, knowing that, and doing it, are two different things!

I actually looked back at my credit card statements, and discovered that my Brandy consumption averages out to a fifth, every 10 to 12 days. I haven't bothered to calculate how many ounces a day that works out to. But, I'm quite aware it is, no doubt, more "dead" calories than I need!

Do I feel as though I "deserve" Kev? Well, when I got that call, I was thinking I don't "deserve" this! But, that isn't what was meant, was it? I do think that we both "deserve" each other. Our relationship has not been a "smothering" "tight" one. We hold each other rather loosely, gently. We're more like best friends sharing a house than we are a "couple" Couple (if you know what I mean). We've never felt as though we Own each other! And now it's been 25yr. since we first became "roommates"! And, for the most part, until recently, it's been a voluntary, mutually exclusive, "good friends with benefits" type of thing.

Putting everyone else first before Me. Well ... it was the way I was raised. And, so far, seems to have worked out quite well most of the time. But, yes, I know, there are times I should speak up! And, sometimes I do! Just not all that often. It's not "Me".

Would I really smash up my car, on purpose? Well ... no! That was a bit dramatic, heh? But, it was a thought. Though, more likely a bit of Brandy speaking!

I think we're going to get through this, Guys! I can't say how much I appreciate your reading through this, and letting me know what you think! It's also been a huge help to have somewhere to get this all out! THANK YOU! my fellow JUBbers!!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[Teasel]

I suppose I could get my ass in gear! Stop smoking, discontinue Enjoying brandy, start moving my body, if not, actually, approaching the ideal of "working out"! But, that's just the "surface stuff". (Eventhough, not bad ideas!!)

Thing is it's not just, "surface stuff." When you change your body, for better or worse, the mind changes with it. Starting to clean-up your life will change your attitude and give you a reason to spend more time with him. Go to the gym together, have some fun, build mutual experiences. Alcohol and physical stagnation are depressants and, truthfully, I think the stagnation is worse in that regard.

I think the physical aspect is a really important component that shouldn't be glossed over because it will change your affect, help make you more positive.

 

[backpacker]

I think you are trying to be very logical about the whole relationship, but logic can only take you so far. Your emotional side is just as important.

The first thing you need to do is be honest with Kev about how you feel about him being with other guys. I think that will lead to a meaningful conversation about where the two of you go from here. I suspect after 25 years he already knows how you really feel, but you need to make sure he clearly knows.

Given that both of you do love each other, some relationship counseling may help. 25 years is a long time and both of you are probably taking each other for granted. Both of you will need to make some changes to save the relationship and work on getting the spark going again. As long as both you want to fix it, things will work out.

Good luck!

 

[Kyanimal]

Once again, THANK YOU!, for your responses, Guys!

ALL of You have pretty well hit everything right on the "Mark"! And your thoughts have been helping me, tremendously, get a better perspective.

I've become used to being one of the Ones giving advice to, trying to help out, others, here, but my current situation has given rise to some "self doubt" as to whether, or not, I should try to keep doing that. This whole "thing" has called into question whether my own points of view hold much validity anymore. Given what has happened with me, and "My" Kev, should Anyone be listening to Me?? It's much easier to "Talk the Talk", than "Walk the Walk"! (As I've been discovering!)

On the other hand, though we still haven't had a chance to get into any real depth about our current situation, I haven't seen Kev "Happier" for a long time! He's been Smiling more! He's more "at ease" with Himself, and the "stuff" he has to deal with! He's been much more Relaxed! And, generally, more of a "Pleasant" Guy to be around! (When I get the chance! Our schedules are SO contradictory!) For HIM, things are going well!

And He IS concerned about Me! Just the other day, he came up to me, placed his hands on my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes, and asked, "Are YOU O.K.?" His eyes never left mine until I answered Him! And the last several mornings, as I've been drinking my coffee, and watching the news, He has come to sit beside me, and quietly rub my back. Something he hasn't taken the time to do for quite a while!

And, then, we both have to go our separate ways, to get to work on time, etc. ... If WE could just get some "Time"! ...

Though we haven't been able to start a "Long Discussion", yet!, I do know the following ... for what it may be "worth" ...

Kev does LOVE Me! I have no doubts!

He is feeling very conflicted about his current actions, pattern of behavior, but has felt it was something he Needed to do.

He has been very forthright, with everyone at "The Club", that He is not a Single Guy!

Most of the time there, he does nothing more than use their equipment to work out, and "chat", while sitting in the hot tub, steam room, etc.

He's not the only one there who is Partnered, or Married, and has had many discussions about that.

He does want me to go there with him.

He was Terrified what my reaction would be when he told me about it.

He is NOT seeking to Break Up!

I am not Angry, at all! "Disappointed", yes! But not with Him!

I'm surprised, at Myself, that I've been going through a "roller coaster" of emotions! (That's NOT like "Me"!)

From an "Objective" point of view, this is turning out to be a most interesting time! I've been "learning" More!

I need to start "Thinking!" LESS, and start DOING!!

We're going to be O.K.!!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[XLeatherX]

There's an old saying that's true in this case:

"You can't turn a 'ho into a husband!"

This is your time to cut your losses and find a new partner/boyfriend, go out and have other sex partners yourself, or you can try to keep doing the same thing which does not seem to be working now.

Personally I would have never had or kept a 25 year relationship with ANYONE who cheated on me early on, and especially not if we had what I thought was a closed/monogamous/honest relationship and then they wind up seeing other men on the side besides me.

Also, just because he is your partner/husband, it doesn't mean that you "owe" him the car, the house, the money that you've made, and everything else. Split everything equally like if you got a divorce.

You have to communicate as well as this is your partner and you know him best, better than we do. good luck!

 

[thephoenix]

I know news like this is a punch in the gut and your understanding is a testimony to how much you love him. I agree with the others that your guy isn't seeking to break up. It sounds like he needs some excitment. He wants to include you in on it as well. I'd bet you gow with him a few times to this place he wouldn't need to go anymore. It might spark a new level of sexual activity for you guys. You mention time being a factor. You gotta MAKE time which is easier said than done. Honestly, it sounds like he is giving you all the signals to work this out and you seem to have a pretty strong grip on your problems: that's half the battle there! Most people don't have any clue why their relationship is getting rocky. So, you know the problems. Sounding like a broken record here, but talk to him honestly. First step. Next try to do active stuff together, like that hike a previous poster suggested. Your partner is getting in shape, go alone with him! My impression is you don't see yourself as sexually desirable so that will suck up a sex drive pretty quickly. Once you get moving and spending that quality time moving with your guy your sex life will pick up. But please don't try to justify that he has been happier and more attentive since going to this "club." In a monogamous relationship that is wrong. If he needs excitement of that kind he should have come to you first and the two of you work on that. He excluded you from a very important decision that involves you both. Wrong on his part. You can work this. I know it is painful and I'm sorry someone as kind and upbeat as you have always been here is going through this. But, 25 years is a looong time investment in a relationship and shouldn't be discarded unless absolutely necessary, which it is not in this case IMHO. I'm truly sorry and if there is anything I could do to help you, please feel free to PM me.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Chaz,

Mate... we never stop learning... we never stop discovering... and its never too late to learn lessons about who we are.

You mate are the key here. And to a very huge degree Kev has nothing to do with this. Nothing at all. This is really about how you feel... about yourself.

We all have periods of self doubt. We all question our lives, our goals our achievements. We look at our lives and wonder what if. We look in the mirror and think...I really should do something about... but usually life ties us up and beats us down. So we settle and ignore our own inner voice... the thing that drove us and motivated us not that long ago... because its easier.

And you're like most of us... you dislike yourself for it because you still see those things that you want to change... and yet you do nothing about them.

Then to rub salt into the wound, heres your partner of 25 years making the changes you want. Rubbing it in your face with out even knowing it. And I don't mean the cheating... I mean the motivation. Where the hell did that come from? How come he can do it? Why cant I be like that?

Chaz... you are one of the most caring thoughtful guys here on JUB. You are passionate, considerate, thoughtful and giving. I don't think that you have a nasty bone in your body. It incredible the way you look out for others.

But now its time for you. Its time for you to put you first. Its time for you to get yourself right... because mate the only reason you are even considering throwing away 25 years is self doubt...not because you care for Kev less...hell your posts show that in the way you take the blame and forgive him. You still love him and care for him... and him for you. You really dont want to throw this away...and really mate I think you know that.

You just have to get yourself to a place where you remember why you love him... and why he loves you. Most of all you have to get yourself back to a place where you love yourself.

Chaz... make the changes. Dont think about it. Dont find a reason not to. You cant procrastinate. Walking away from 25 years is not the easy way out. Do you really think you'll feel better alone? Will you be any happier with yourself?

Its never to late... if you want to cut back in the drink...do it. Start...one day at a time. You dont have to quit overnight... but start. Make the time to walk with Kev or do some sort of exercise with him... force yourself to find the time...deep down you know you can... thats why your struggling here. Its the perfect excuse to spend some time together and to share new experiences with the man you love.

Chaz, your capacity to love and care and forgive is almost unparalleled. But its time you did that for yourself. None of us are perfect mate... but you have the will power, the determination and the reason to make the changes you want.

Mate you deserve nothing but happiness... and you have the ability to find it - of that I'm certain. Be honest with yourself first and then Kev. Get yourself happy and the rest will fall into place... all of a sudden things will be ok.

You're a special guy Chaz...remember that... thats why we care for you. Thats why Kev cares for you. And thats why you should care for you. We're by your side mate.

 

[Kyanimal]

Wow! I thought this Thread had quietly gone to "Sleep"!

There's an old saying that's true in this case:

"You can't turn a 'ho into a husband!"

good luck!

There is a LOT of History, here, that you are not aware of, Leather.

When Kev, and I, "got together", times were very much different than they are now. I was a "newly minted" OUT Guy, and still subject to the "Kid in a Candy Store Syndrome". He was a Popular "Party Guy", which was, nearly, a "requirement" for His job! We weren't running in the same circles, but our paths did cross.

Through an amazing string of circumstances, we ended up as "Surprise" roommates! But, we were still seeing other Guys, and enjoying an awesome Time in our Lives. I was 32, He was 25! Neither of us were exactly what I would call "Ho's", or even "Sluts", but we certainly weren't being Monogomous! And, we were sharing that Experience with each other!

I think that Kev "locked in" on Me, before I "imprinted" on Him! But, eventually it DID Happen! And, now, years later, our Families, Pocessions, Finances, Friends, etc., etc., are very much Entertwined!

Kick Him to the Curb? Uh ... not all that Simple, or Easy! And, it's not like this is a Situation that we haven't been in, to some degree, before! There are times that I wish My Life were as simple as when I could fit everything I owned into my 1970 and 1/2 Gremlin! But, that just isn't the case, anymore!

I DO appreciate your comments, and concerns! However, I think You, and I, are at different st(ages) in Our Lives. And I do, sincerely, Hope, that You shall eventually realize, and come to understand, more fully, what Life can become, and play itself out to more Positive Conclusions!

I know news like this is a punch in the gut and your understanding is a testimony to how much you love him. I'm truly sorry and if there is anything I could do to help you, please feel free to PM me.

THANK YOU!, thephoenix, for your thoughts, care, and concern! You seem to be a Guy with a Very Big Heart!! And, I can not say how much your words have meant to Me!!

Get your ass into gear, and do some sleeping around yourself. Substitute JUB quantity with JUB quality. [note to self: follow own advice].

Oh, Harke ... you seem to be aware of some of my other posts, and, perhaps, know Me all too well!

No ... Guys and Gals ... I am no "Saint"!

However, I'm not so sure my ability for "Revenge" is quite the answer, at this point! Still ... a Thought, though! Maybe I should show up at "The Club", and prove that I'm "Real"??

THANKS! for the "Encouragement!"

Oh Chaz...I`m really sorry my sweetheart...


Whenever you feel the need to talk....my ears and my heart are open for you !

Check your PM's, My Darlin'!!

Hey Chaz,

Mate... we never stop learning... we never stop discovering... and its never too late to learn lessons about who we are.

You're a special guy Chaz...remember that... thats why we care for you. Thats why Kev cares for you. And thats why you should care for you. We're by your side mate.

Most Insightful!! And, THANK YOU! for Your Encouragement!! I shall Endeavor to take You Words very much to Heart!!

EVERYONE! I truly do Appreciate your Input MORE than any of you can Realize! THANK YOU!!

And ... always remember ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

P.S.
I'm more sure, now, that Kev, and I, are going to be able to see our ways through this!