WATCHING BRAD
Part XVIII
Lindsay and I went to Toronto by ourselves. We hit the Science Centre first, then headed on into Mississauga in the afternoon to meet Warren and Bill for dinner. I could see the anxiety in Warren's face. His surgery was planned to take place less than two weeks. He covered it well, though, and used Lindsay's cast to good use. It took his mind off his own problems.
I was helping Bill in the kitchen as Warren kept Lindsay busy in the livingroom of their apartment. "It this the first time?" Bill asked.
"It's the only one I know about," I answered. "Lindsay said there were others. Connie told her I wouldn't love her anymore if she told me about them. She told Lindsay she couldn't ever come to see you guys again, either."
"That reminds me," Bill said. "Where's Brad?"
I stumbled over my words. "He. . . um. . . . We. . ."
Bill just nodded. "Lindsay's in the picture now and he doesn't know how to handle it."
I nodded back.
"You have to prepare yourself, Ted," Bill said gently, but bluntly. "He may never come back."
I couldn't answer. My heart rose into my throat and got stuck there. I couldn't swallow it back down. I knew Bill was right. I felt a hand on my shoulder and then I was being pulled into Bill's arms. They wrapped around me and I fell into him. He held me and he cuddled me and he soothed me, and it felt good. I could feel the heat from his body warming me from the inside. It felt like he was hugging me there, too, and I suddenly understood the feelings Brad had felt. I didn't think any woman could ever make me feel that way, and I decided at that moment that I didn't ever want to give another woman that chance to prove that she could. I didn't want from them what I was getting from Bill.
* * * * *
Lindsay was helping Bill clean up after dinner. Bill had found an indelible felt-tipped pen and both he and Warren had signed Lindsay's cast. I had to sign it, too. I wrote a great, big "I love you" on the top and signed a great, big "Daddy" beneath it.
Warren sat outside with me on the balcony. Mississauga spread out below us with the shimmering waters of Lake Ontario beyond.
"So, Teddy, you're finally admitting you're gay?" Warren asked.
"I already have."
"Are you going to tell Lindsay?"
"I think I have to."
"I think you do, too. Would you like some help?"
I shook my head. "I have to do it by myself, Warren."
He knew, as always. "You'll know what to say, Teddy," he said. "You'll find the words."
"I hope so," I said, and I really hoped I would.
"Brad will come back, Teddy," he said without looking at me. "I know these things. Whatever his mouth may say, his eyes tell me different things."
We sat there for awhile, saying nothing. Just looking out over the lake and the sailboat making it's leisurely way toward the east. The sun was headed in the opposite direction. The sounds were so different from the quiet of the burbs. There were too many of them. I didn't care for them, really, and I was glad I lived where I lived, especially when it was next door to. . .
Then Warren said suddenly, "He'll come back, Ted. And if you plan on parking the H1 Hummer in the garage, you either have to make some space, or build a bigger building."
I looked at him. It took a long time to figure out what he meant, and then visions of dildos of all sizes filled my mind and I started to laugh. Gee-sus, Murphy, did I laugh! Warren laughed right along with me and, when Bill and Lindsay joined us to see what the ruckus was about, they joined in, too, without even knowing why.
* * * * *
I had hoped that Brad would be waiting for us when we got home. Wishful thinking. I prepared a bath for Lindsay and sat on the edge of the tub as she bathed.
"When is Uncle Warren going to get better, Daddy?"
"Soon, Sweetheart," I told her. I sincerely hoped that she had not seen her Uncle Warren for the last time that afternoon.
As I was tucking her into bed, I sat beside her. "I have to talk to you, Sweetheart."
"Okay, Daddy."
I brushed her hair back with my fingers and kissed her forehead.
"Is this about Brad?" she asked. Very clever, my child was.
"Yes, Sweetheart, It is. Do you know what it means to be gay?"
She shook her head ‘no'.
"Do you remember when I used to live with you and Mommy?"
"Yes."
"Your Mommy and I loved each other. We were best friends and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. That's why we were married, so we could be together like that."
"So you could have me, too, right, Daddy?"
"Oh, yes, Sweetheart," I said. "You are the best thing that I could ever have asked for. We all made a family. You, me, and your Mommy."
"But you don't love Mommy anymore."
"No, I don't."
"You love Brad now, don't you?"
"Yes, Sweetheart, I do."
"Is Brad going to be my new Mommy?"
I smiled at her and chuckled lightly. "No, Sweetheart. It doesn't work that way."
"But you want him to live with us, don't you? You want us to be a family?"
"Yes, Lindsay, I would like that."
She began to tap her lip with her fingertip. "Is that what gay means, Daddy? When two men love each other and want to be a family?"
"Yes, it is."
"Like Uncle Warren and Uncle Bill."
"Yes." I brushed back her hair once more.
Again, the tapping. "That's what fags is, isn't it, Daddy?"
"Yes, Sweetheart," I said. "But. . ."
I've reminded Lindsay hundreds of times that she shouldn't interrupt people when they're talking. This time, I'm glad she did. "It doesn't sound like a very nice word," she said. "I don't like it."
"It's a very bad word, Sweetheart, and only bad people use it when they want to hurt someone's feelings."
"Like Mommy did when she called you and Brad. . . that word."
"Yes."
"I think I understand," she said, and then she sat up and gave me a big hug. "It's okay if you're gay, Daddy. It's okay if you love Brad. I don't mind. As long as you don't stop loving me, too."
I hugged her closer and kissed her cheek. "Nothing or nobody will
ever be able to stop me from loving you, Lindsay."
Lindsay pushed away from me, but she still held my arms. "I think I should go to sleep now, Daddy," she said. "I'm tired."
"So am I, Sweetheart."
She gave me one more kiss and said, "I love you, Daddy."
"And I love you a gazillion times more." I gave her another kiss for good measure.
She lay down again and I tucked her in once more. "Nitey-nite, Daddy."
"Goodnight, Sweetheart," I said softly. "Would you like me to stay until you go to sleep?"
"No," she said. "I'm a big girl now. I can go to sleep all by myself."
I brushed her hair back, kissed her on the forehead, and left her bedroom, turning out the light as I went.
I didn't go outside that night. I didn't want to see the light that might be coming from Brad's bedroom. I was afraid I might see his shadow, or, worse, see him.
I went to the fridge, pulled out a bottle of beer, and closed the fridge door. I stopped and looked at the bottle, then put it back in the fridge and made an herbal lemon tea for myself instead. I lit a candle in the livingroom, turned out the lights, and sat there drinking my tea.
So, I had done it. I had told my daughter that I was gay and that I loved Brad. She understood and she was happy for me. Now, I had to find a way to tell Brad.
I closed my eyes and I saw him in my mind. Not his body - only his face. He smiled at me and I saw his chipped tooth and I could feel the blood flowing into my groin. I tried to push the image from my mind, but it wouldn't budge, and the more I saw it, the harder my cock became. I set down the mug of tea and leaned back into the sofa. My hands unbuttoned my shirt and unbuckled and unzipped my jeans, and then my right hand reached inside my underwear and pulled it out. My left thumb hooked the waistband and pulled my underwear down to my balls. Like a horny teenaged boy, I sat there on my sofa, imagining Brad's face, and I masturbated.
Brad's face was still in my mind when I came - still looking at me, still smiling. The first spurt of semen hit me right in the face and I let out a huge sigh of ecstasy. I can't remember the last time I squirted my cream into my face, but I'm sure I wasn't shaving every day at the time.
I didn't clean myself up. I didn't do up my clothes. I simply lay back, enjoying the experience and the after-orgasm relaxation. I don't know how long I sat there, but, by the time I sat back up to get back to my life, the tea was cold. I dumped it into the sink, rinsed the mug, locked the door, and blew out the candle.
I took a quick shower and went to bed. But I slipped into Lindsay's room one last time to give her just one more kiss before I did.
* * * * *
Lindsay was still asleep when Terry arrived in the morning. Her eyes lit up when I told her that Brad may be over to paint my bedroom. I think she was sweet on him - or maybe she just liked the idea of seeing him work in his shorts. I don't know. Whatever the case, he was mine, and I was going to fight for him just as hard as I had fought for Lindsay.
I asked if Terry could stay for dinner. I wanted to talk to her about working when Lindsay began school. She said she could and I left her with that.
Al, my lawyer, phoned me at work and told me that The Bitch's case was coming up on Wednesday morning at 10:00 AM. The Crown wanted both Lindsay and myself as witnesses and to expect to be served with a summons.
"Can't you keep Lindsay out of this? I don't want her on the stand, Al."
"I doubt if that will happen, Ted," Al said over the phone. "If anything, the Judge will talk privately to her in her chambers."
"Her?"
"Yes," he said. "Judge Henderson. She's good, Ted. She's got children of her own and she doesn't take kindly to those people who beat them up."
He told me that one of The Bitch's rich boyfriends had bailed her out of jail on Saturday morning, not long after the court magistrate had set the amount. At least she had spent one night behind bars. That made me feel better.
I made arrangements to have the whole day off.
* * * * *
Quitting smoking had been easier than I had expected it would be. Mind you, I didn't really smoke that much in the first place. A twenty-five pack of Kings would last me three or four days. Sometimes five.
If I hadn't been feeling so sorry-assed miserable about myself, I might have been happy about the smoking thing. But this was Monday, and I hadn't seen Brad since Saturday morning. There was a great big hole inside me that even all of Lindsay's hugs and kisses couldn't fill. I realized that I didn't just want Brad. I
needed him. My life was empty without him. If this is what it was like to be gay, I hated it.
Nothing had ever torn me up inside so much. No broken relationships came close. Even my divorce was minuscule in comparison. I needed Bradley Nelson Hayes. I needed all three names. But I couldn't have even one of them if he didn't he didn't want me as well.
I put on a good front for Lindsay. She held up her arm proudly and showed me where Terry had signed her cast. Terry had already begun dinner for us. Hamburger Helper again. With cheese this time. I made the soggy rice.
The Bitch phoned while we were eating. Fortunately, I answered it and not Lindsay. She lit right into me, screaming and shouting about things I couldn't even understand. When she paused for a breath, I jumped in. "Look, I can't talk to you here. If you're at home, I'll call you back in a minute."
"You'd fuckin' better call me back, you fuckin' faggot asshole!!" She slammed the phone down.
I walked over to Lindsay and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be right back, Sweetheart. I have to make a phone call, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy."
I stood up and glanced at Terry. "There's ice cream in the freezer for dessert." Pointing toward Lindsay, I mouthed the words, "Keep her here." Terry nodded.
I stepped out the back door, closing it securely behind me, and walked to the far end of my yard, dialing The Bitch's number as I went.
She set into screaming again. When I could speak, I did. "If you don't calm down and talk to me civilly, I'm hanging up and unplugging the phones!"
There was silence for a long moment, and she spoke again. She was angry, but I could understand her now.
"What in hell do you think you're doing, Ted de Villiers. Hiring a private detective to spy on me?"
She had probably heard about it from her lawyer, who had heard it from the Crown Attorney. "You didn't leave me much choice, Connie."
"What do you expect to get from it?"
"I expect to get the proof that you're a worthless mother and a dangerous person and you don't have the ability to take care of my daughter."
"She's
my daughter, too."
"Not when you try to break her arm, she isn't! Lindsay's in a Goddamned cast for Christ's sake!"
"That was her fault! She had no business getting into my make-up."
"Listen to yourself, Connie! Your daughter's arm is in a cast and you put it there and you're worried about your fuckin' make-up! Open your fuckin' eyes!"
Connie was good at changing the subject when things weren't going her way. "Oh, I suppose you want to borrow my make-up for your faggot boyfriend!" she said. "A little eye shadow. Some mascara. Lipstick. Rouge. He'd look the proper Queen. Maybe you want to borrow some of my outfits, too! I bet he'd look awfully pretty in my blue sequined gown."
"Fuck you, Bitch!"
"You'll never get her, Ted," she threatened. "As soon as the judge hears how you and Faggy Pants are pounding the sheet, you'll never see her again! I hope he's broken your ass in good, Ted, because
you. . . are. . . fucked!"
"And you can kiss it!"
"Fuck you, faggot!"
I tried to be civil and polite. I tried to be nice. I couldn't be any of them anymore. "At least I didn't put my kid in the Goddamned hospital, you fuckin' Bitch!!"
And I hung up on her.
God, how I wanted a cigarette!
* * * * *
Terry was happy with the working arrangements for when school started. If all went well, Lindsay would be enrolled in the school just down the street. I'd bought the house specifically for it's proximity to the school. I would take her to school in the morning and Terry would meet her for lunch, bring her home, and back again. She'd stay home, doing simple household chores, then pick her up again after school. She would have her mornings free, but she had to be available for school holidays, closures, illness and such. However many hours she worked, she would get paid as if she had worked the entire day.
She helped clean up after dinner and even stayed to watch
Beauty and the Beast with Lindsay and myself. It was a pretty good evening, actually, but I still felt empty.
Later, I sat on the edge of the tub, giving Lindsay her bath. She still thought it was ‘really neat, Daddy' when I wrapped her cast in a plastic freezer bag.
"Terry and me went to Grandma's this afternoon, Daddy. She said Brad went to Toronto to take his books back to his school. She signed my cast. See?"
"Oh, that's good," I said.
"Why didn't he go with us yesterday?"
"I don't know, Lindsay. Maybe he had other things to do."
"He would have had fun at the Science Centre."
"We'll go again sometime, and Brad can go with us."
"Grandma had lemon pie." She started to giggle and put her finger to her lips and said, "Shh. I ate two pieces."
I giggled with her. "I won't tell anyone, Sweetheart."
I sat with her on the edge of the bed, too, until she fell asleep, and, when she did, I sat there and watched her sleep for a long time. I put my hand on her chest, feeling her heart beating and feeling her chest go up and down with every single breath. I truly enjoyed watching my child sleep. Those were my most enjoyable moments.
Finally, I kissed her forehead and went to the kitchen where I grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. I couldn't have a cigarette, so the beer would have to do. I took my seat on the wall outside. It was actually cool for a change that night, and it felt nice. A gentle breeze blew. I could hear it rustling the leaves on the trees.
I glanced over my left shoulder. Brad's light was out. I only wanted to see him. He didn't have to be naked or anything. Just to see his face. Just to see him.
God, I missed him. I could never have imagined that someone could have such an effect on me. I missed Lindsay every time she went away from me, but it wasn't like this. Lindsay left an emptiness inside me, but she filled it up again when she came back. I was afraid the emptiness I felt from Brad's absence would ever be filled up again.
That was my life. Fucked up and empty. Except for Lindsay, of course. She was the only stability I had going for me. She was always there, and she loved me, no matter what. Not even when I told her that I was gay.
You know, that still surprises me to this day. I knew from the moment that I told her that I would never be with a woman ever again. I didn't want to be. I can still remember Randy when I think of him, and I can still remember that young man with the boardshorts and roller blades outside the store. There were others I can remember, but they were the only ones you know about. I looked at men differently after I told her. I began to remember things like eye colour, and whether they wore boxers or briefs, or whether they went commando. I started noticing things like that. Like the ‘go-fer' at my office. You know, the guy who ‘goes for this', ‘goes for that'. A ‘go-fer'. I've never even seen him take a leak, but I know he's cut. I know how to tell now. Ask me if the secretary wore a bra and I'm euchred, but ask me if the UPS guy was dressed to the left or the right yesterday and I could tell you.
Still, though, there wasn't anyone I remembered better than Brad. All I had to do was close my eyes and I could see him any time I wanted. But I didn't want to see him only in my mind. I wanted him right there with me.
A gust of wind blew past me and I looked up into the sky. No stars. It felt like rain. Well, it could rain all it wanted. It couldn't make me any more miserable than I already was.
I picked up a beer and twisted the lid off. I bent over and dropped the lid in the bucket. It landed with a metallic clink. I sat back up and another gust of wind blew past me. At least, I though it was a breeze. I could still feel it on my left arm, and it wasn't cool. I looked.
Brad was sitting beside me.
To Be Continued
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Each tap of your fingertips have been leaving an Impression on My Mind! 
