Here's a story I'm working on, and I'd love some feedback.
Waylaid:
One:
When I look back at that time in my life, it’s with a mixture of sadness and regret. I was 18 years old, I was months away from graduating, and then the worst possible thing happened. It’s funny how we all go through life, going through our day to day, not realizing something huge is waiting right around the corner…
I was running late, which was the only reason I got the phone call. My parents had already gone to work, and it was up to me to get myself to school. At that point, I was so over it all. I was taking nothing but electives, and it all just felt meaningless. I was 18, about to graduate, and get out of there (hopefully). I had applied to all these colleges, and I didn’t really care where I went, as long as it was far away. That morning, I was lollygagging; I was just another meaningless day being wasted on stupid art classes, and people I sort of never wanted to see again.
That morning, I kept forgetting something I needed for the day, so I kept having to double back whenever I started to leave the house. (Now, was this on purpose or not? I’m not sure…)
I went back to my room to grab a sketch pad I'd forgotten, and was about to leave when the phone rang. I paused at the door and stared at the phone. I really was running late, but I wondered whether I should answer it. I reasoned that if I had left on time, as I was supposed to, I would never have heard the phone ring, so I should go.
It seemed like I stood there forever, but a few seconds later, I reflexively reached down and grabbed the phone.
Two:
“Hello?” I asked into the receiver.
“Hello. This is Sergeant Pearl. To whom am I speaking?” came a man’s grim voice in response.
Why were the police calling? Why did I answer the phone? Was it because I was running late? I’d probably make it on time if I ran part of the way! “Kevin Baker…” I eventually answered.
There was a pause, then “Kevin. Can you do me a favor? I’m gonna need you to stay home for me, buddy.”
“But, I’m going to be late for school!” Another pause, then “I know, buddy, but I just need you to do this. Please?”
I didn’t understand what was happening, but I promised to stay. Sergeant Pearl promised to “be over shortly(???)” and hung up.
I put my stuff down and paced the living room. What on earth could they possibly want with me? It just didn’t make sense. Was I in trouble? I started thinking about everything I had done recently, but nothing seemed to require police attention. What was going on?!! Then the doorbell rang. I walked over to the door and saw two outlines in the frosted glass. Whatever was about to happen, this was it.
I opened the door, and a man and a woman stood there, their faces grim.
“Kevin Baker?” the man said. I recognized his voice as Sergeant Pearl’s from the phone.
“Yes…” I said.
“I’m Sergeant Pearl, and this is Deputy Prada.” The woman nodded toward me.
“May we come in?” Sergeant Pearl asked.
“Uh, yeah. Ok.” I said and ushered them toward the living room, closing the door behind them. I walked back to the living room and found them awkwardly standing there.
“Why don’t you sit down?” Sergeant Pearl asked me.
“Ok…” I said as I sat down and stared up at them.
There was a pause, then “Are your parents Joseph and Samantha Baker?”
“Yes…” I responded, confused as ever.
They gave each other a look, then Sergeant Pearl said, “This morning, while traveling Northbound on the 110, the Bakers were involved in a head-on collision.” I let this wash all over me.
“Ok…” I heard myself say, my stomach sinking into the ground.
Sergeant Pearl continued, “Unfortunately, they were both killed on impact.”
“What?” I think I said. At this point, things started to become blurry. I felt like I was going to pass out.
Somewhere in the distance, I heard Sergeant Pearl ask something about any family I had, and somehow I said, “I don’t have any family…” Sergeant Pearl then said that Deputy Prada would be taking me to the hospital to identify my parents. At that point, it all started to really become a blur. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in Deputy Prada’s patrol vehicle. The next thing I knew, I was at the hospital looking at my parents. After seeing them, I threw up. I remembered that much. Suddenly, I was back home, and Deputy Prada was asking me if I had anyone I could reach. I was in such a fog I didn’t even know what to think, but I heard myself automatically say, “Carla and Richard.”
To Be Continued
Waylaid:
One:
When I look back at that time in my life, it’s with a mixture of sadness and regret. I was 18 years old, I was months away from graduating, and then the worst possible thing happened. It’s funny how we all go through life, going through our day to day, not realizing something huge is waiting right around the corner…
I was running late, which was the only reason I got the phone call. My parents had already gone to work, and it was up to me to get myself to school. At that point, I was so over it all. I was taking nothing but electives, and it all just felt meaningless. I was 18, about to graduate, and get out of there (hopefully). I had applied to all these colleges, and I didn’t really care where I went, as long as it was far away. That morning, I was lollygagging; I was just another meaningless day being wasted on stupid art classes, and people I sort of never wanted to see again.
That morning, I kept forgetting something I needed for the day, so I kept having to double back whenever I started to leave the house. (Now, was this on purpose or not? I’m not sure…)
I went back to my room to grab a sketch pad I'd forgotten, and was about to leave when the phone rang. I paused at the door and stared at the phone. I really was running late, but I wondered whether I should answer it. I reasoned that if I had left on time, as I was supposed to, I would never have heard the phone ring, so I should go.
It seemed like I stood there forever, but a few seconds later, I reflexively reached down and grabbed the phone.
Two:
“Hello?” I asked into the receiver.
“Hello. This is Sergeant Pearl. To whom am I speaking?” came a man’s grim voice in response.
Why were the police calling? Why did I answer the phone? Was it because I was running late? I’d probably make it on time if I ran part of the way! “Kevin Baker…” I eventually answered.
There was a pause, then “Kevin. Can you do me a favor? I’m gonna need you to stay home for me, buddy.”
“But, I’m going to be late for school!” Another pause, then “I know, buddy, but I just need you to do this. Please?”
I didn’t understand what was happening, but I promised to stay. Sergeant Pearl promised to “be over shortly(???)” and hung up.
I put my stuff down and paced the living room. What on earth could they possibly want with me? It just didn’t make sense. Was I in trouble? I started thinking about everything I had done recently, but nothing seemed to require police attention. What was going on?!! Then the doorbell rang. I walked over to the door and saw two outlines in the frosted glass. Whatever was about to happen, this was it.
I opened the door, and a man and a woman stood there, their faces grim.
“Kevin Baker?” the man said. I recognized his voice as Sergeant Pearl’s from the phone.
“Yes…” I said.
“I’m Sergeant Pearl, and this is Deputy Prada.” The woman nodded toward me.
“May we come in?” Sergeant Pearl asked.
“Uh, yeah. Ok.” I said and ushered them toward the living room, closing the door behind them. I walked back to the living room and found them awkwardly standing there.
“Why don’t you sit down?” Sergeant Pearl asked me.
“Ok…” I said as I sat down and stared up at them.
There was a pause, then “Are your parents Joseph and Samantha Baker?”
“Yes…” I responded, confused as ever.
They gave each other a look, then Sergeant Pearl said, “This morning, while traveling Northbound on the 110, the Bakers were involved in a head-on collision.” I let this wash all over me.
“Ok…” I heard myself say, my stomach sinking into the ground.
Sergeant Pearl continued, “Unfortunately, they were both killed on impact.”
“What?” I think I said. At this point, things started to become blurry. I felt like I was going to pass out.
Somewhere in the distance, I heard Sergeant Pearl ask something about any family I had, and somehow I said, “I don’t have any family…” Sergeant Pearl then said that Deputy Prada would be taking me to the hospital to identify my parents. At that point, it all started to really become a blur. Next thing I knew, I was sitting in Deputy Prada’s patrol vehicle. The next thing I knew, I was at the hospital looking at my parents. After seeing them, I threw up. I remembered that much. Suddenly, I was back home, and Deputy Prada was asking me if I had anyone I could reach. I was in such a fog I didn’t even know what to think, but I heard myself automatically say, “Carla and Richard.”
To Be Continued









