We love each other but haven't had the boyfriend conversation. What to do?

[basstwin]

Hey guys. I signed up just to ask you guys for some advice. Long time lurker but first post! I'll try to keep this short but that may be hard.

(TL;DR: I am in love with this guy. This guy just confessed his love for me too. I said I love him too. But no relationship or boyfriend conversation was had. How do I go about it?)

To give you some background, I have known this guy for 3 years. I moved to Chicago for school, was new, and had few friends and met him randomly at a bar one night. When we first met, I really really liked him and eventually I fell madly in love with him. But he ended up breaking my heart and leading me on and started dating a guy that I didn't much care for. Even though he did all that, I still couldn't let him go. But I moved on even though I always thought about him.

I went through some bad times and he found out and texted me randomly just a few months ago and said he was always there for me if I needed him. Turns out he had just broken up with the guy who I didn't like in the first place (the guy he "left me" for). Keep in mind this was the first time he had contacted me in almost a year because we just went our separate ways.

Fast forward a few months and we have been hanging out a few times every week. At first, it was just hanging out, having some beers, etc. About 3 weeks ago, things started getting a little heavier. He randomly kissed me one night, which led to making out, which then led to sex. And now we have sex every time we're together.

I was so afraid that maybe he just thought of this situation as a FWB thing. I was afraid because I found myself falling hard for him. Falling harder than the first time. I honestly never stopped loving him and now I am madly in love with him.

Just last week, I was planning on telling him that I loved him. BUT! Much to my surprise, he beat me to the punch. He was at my house, and just started staring at me and when I said what, he paused for a second before saying "I love you." I of course told him I loved him too and we talked about it all night. No sex this time. It was just a really awesome conversation.

Now, I am happier than I have ever been. A huge weight of uncertainty has been lifted off my shoulders and my dream guy loves me back. But now what?

He is not the lovey-dovey romantic type at all. He doesn't like all the pet names and all the other stuff but he has been in serious relationships before. I want to call him my boyfriend and I want him to call me his. Now I know that we both love each other, and I can't see myself with anyone else. I want to be exclusive and in a relationship with him, but how should I say it and what do I do? Where do we go from here?

I plan on talking to him about this next time I see him but I'm not sure how to go about it. And I could use some advice and good example of what the best thing to say is.

Thanks guys.

 

[Craiger]

I think you could simply ask what he saw for the future between the two of you. It's not a statement of committal, just an honest question of where things are going. Ask if he would consider handling this in a form of dating. Again, keep it simple to begin with. Since he was the first to break the news, he may do the same when you next meet. However, be prepared that he may want to go a little slower than you would like. Talk, communicate, laugh and have fun. I wouldn't express your wanting to be exclusive unless he brings it up as well. Honestly compliment him on things that you find most attractive, but don't over do it. Hope it works as you want and that he is on the same page. Let us know what happens. My best to you.

Craiger

 

[KaraBulut]

...I have known this guy for 3 years...Eventually I fell madly in love with him. But he ended up breaking my heart and leading me on and started dating a guy that I didn't much care for. Even though he did all that, I still couldn't let him go. But I moved on even though I always thought about him....

...Turns out he had just broken up with the guy who I didn't like in the first place (the guy he "left me" for).,,

About 3 weeks ago, things started getting a little heavier. He randomly kissed me one night, which led to making out, which then led to sex. And now we have sex every time we're together.... last week, I was planning on telling him that I loved him. BUT! Much to my surprise, he beat me to the punch.

...But now what?

...I want to be exclusive and in a relationship with him, but how should I say it and what do I do? Where do we go from here?

You're in a complicated situation where you don't want to hold the sins of the past against him but at the same time, you have reason to be cautious considering the history. Don't forget, he is coming out of a long-term relationship and there's all sorts of hints of rebound in this relationship.

At the very least, you can have a talk about what you both expect from the relationship and whether you're "dating" and whether you're dating exclusively. That will help get rid of the chance of different expectations.

The important thing is to remind yourself that it has only been 3 weeks. It's too early to be picking out flowers for the wedding. There's a history between you two and you both have to figure out whether you've matured enough over the past 3 years to make it work... and whether the past can really be forgotten or, at least, forgiven.

 

[basstwin]

Trust me, the thought that maybe this is a rebound has crossed my mind. And I don't want to get my hopes up but like I said, he is not the lovey dovey type, which is why I was really surprised when he said it. He was very sincere and I really do get the feeling that he has changed a lot.

Yes, we've only been hot and heavy for 3 weeks, but we came back into each other's lives about 4 months ago. And I have been able to forgive him for everything. Turns out he was treated like dirt in that relationship, and when we first started hanging out again, i made it a point to tell him that I was sorry to hear it. But I also got drunk one night and spilled everything and told him that I would never treat him badly and that I wanted to make him happy. I think it freaked him out at the time, but that was months ago. Since then, I think he has come around and I've really seen a change.

Still though, going off his personality and the past, I don't want to freak him out again or rush into anything by having this conversation with him and possibly ruin the progress. So I just don't know how to approach it.

 

[KaraBulut]

...So I just don't know how to approach it.

One day at time might be the wisest option.

 

[mcbrion]

You might also want to consider that your temperament and his are radically different. When one person's romantic, and the other is not, reality is bound to hit at some point. Clearly, you have the warmer (more romantic) temperament and his is cooler.
And a recent post I put on my Facebook page is about how well someone likes their mother (man, is this going to get glares from guys reading this). If he doesn't like his mother, and he hasn't worked it out (therapy), the emotional disconnect is going to become apparent within a short period of time.
And forgive me, but why are you back with a guy who broke your heart and lied to you? I don't say these things our of meanness: I say them out of experience. Lots of it. As I like to put in my posts, I lived in San Francisco for decades, so being gay was easy. It was the guys I had trouble with! (smiles)
This is what you wrote:
"But he ended up breaking my heart and leading me on and started dating a guy that I didn't much care for. Even though he did all that, I still couldn't let him go. But I moved on even though I always thought about him.

I went through some bad times and he found out and texted me randomly just a few months ago and said he was always there for me if I needed him. Turns out he had just broken up with the guy who I didn't like in the first place (the guy he "left me" for). Keep in mind this was the first time he had contacted me in almost a year because we just went our separate ways."

Damn, brother, maybe you are only comfortable with guys who are unavailable. I'd seriously consider this if I were you. Again, please read this as information, NOT judgement.
I saw that in myself when I was in my 20s (my mother was kind, but more of a "provider" than a nurturer (which explains why she married my father, the nurturer)) If you had a chilly parent(s), especially the mother, you're going to seek out chilly guys, no matter how well they disguise it. And he's already made it clear he doesn't like 'the little things' like romantic gestures. Sorry to be blunt, but I recognize 'chilly,' even on a page. I had a chilly one, and he got around to telling me he loved me, too, but as my incest survivor therapist friend and I discussed, eventually they get - pardon the pun - cold feet, because your warmth will start to make him feel inferior and he may come to resent you. Now, i could be wrong. But I'm a pretty astute guy, and a former mental health counselor, and I don't think I'm seeing this wrong, so at the very least, follow KaraBulut's instructions: talk, talk, talk and MORE talk. He's hurt you once. It's not beyond credence that he'll repeat that behavior unless he's had therapy and recognizes that he bolts at signs of tenderness and intimacy (on a continuous basis).

 

[Seasoned]

Take it slow and try not to project into the future. He need to grieve his last relationship in order for his next one to start on the right foot.