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Webcam Cheating?

Gay Angel

Gay Angel

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Okay, I have a question based on a circumstance that happened to me last night that I'm trying to work out in my head.

The last few days, I've been kinda sick with a cold, etc. so I haven't been able to do much for my boyfriend by way of sex. On average, we mess around a few times a week, which I think is normal for having been together almost 5 years.

Anyway, I went to bed early last night, trying to get some much needed sleep. I was tossing and turning for close to an hour, I'd say, then got up to pee and take some more cold pills. When I walk into our main room, I catch my boyfriend jerking off on webcam with some other guy (I'm assuming on some kind of chat roulette thing). He does the normal thing you do when someone busts you jerking off (hides his erection under his shirt, and tries to divert attention away from the computer).

I'm pretty groggy at this point, and just entered a bright room so my eyes were adjusting to the light, so I played it off as though I didn't see/notice anything. And to be fair, I couldn't completely see his computer screen, so I'm not 100% sure he was on a webcam and not just jerking to porn, but how he was sitting and where he was looking made it pretty clear he was using the webcam.

Anyway, I went back to bed, and he came in about 30 seconds later to "check up on me". I could see the bulge in his pants, but again made like I didn't notice.

He never said anything about it at the time, and neither did I, but I'm not sure how I feel about what he did...

He's always been pretty private when it comes to sex - he won't talk to me about his masturbation habits, even though I've been pretty open with mine. We've never caught the other jerking off (though he's come close to walking in on me a few times), until I caught him last night.

As far as I'm concerned, he can jerk off all he wants, I don't mind - I do it quite regularly, and he knows that. I know he doesn't have as high a sex drive as I do (he's essentially my first real relationship, but he's had several relationships, and multiple one-night-stand type things), so he says he's pretty "sexed out". I don't think he'd be up for having sex on a daily basis, even if I wanted to - I can't even get him to go more than once in a day. None of that bothers me, though. I've never feared him running off with another guy - we're pretty open with how we feel about the other (even though he says it's "gay" to have emotions, essentially, lol).

The thing that I'm concerned about is that he's jerking off with another guy. I know it's only online, and with some complete stranger who is probably hundreds of miles away, but those reasons, I feel, are only me trying to justify what he's done. Is jerking off with another guy on a webcam cheating? I don't know.

I'm pretty certain I'd consider it cheating if I found him jerking off with another guy in person (even if they didn't physically touch each other), so why does it being over a webcam make it okay? Or does it?

I've gone on websites like chatroulette and manroulette etc., but I've only ever been a voyeur, never using a webcam myself - nor would I. The main reason I've gone to those websites is because it's fun getting straight guys to show you their junk - I've never used a webcam site to jerk off to.

As I said before, I've never caught him jerking off before, nor has he told me about any of the ways in which he masturbates, so I don't know if this is something he does all the time, or if I just happened to come out of the bedroom at the worst possible time.

Honestly, I wish I hadn't seen him doing it. I don't think it's grounds for breaking up or anything, but something about him jerking off with other guys online just doesn't seem right to me.

My boyfriend is fairly unapproachable with these sorts of issues, too - any time I try and tell him something he did hurt my feelings, or I didn't appreciate it, he essentially tells me to stop being such a girl and ends the discussion there.

So, I'm not sure what I should do - do I bring it up? Do I ask him to stop jerking off with other guys online? Is this even a valid concern for me to have? I don't know that it's a huge deal, but I can't stop thinking about it since last night.

Any thoughts/insights would be appreciated!

Thanks!!
 
Degrees of separation. If the guy is in the room, that's one thing, if he's pixels on the screen who the fuck cares.

...BUT BUT BUT He'll run off and do stuff, it' the slippery slope...

If your BF is going to fuck around he's going to do it computer whack off or not.

If it's not really bothering you, or if what's bothering you is that it's not really bothering you, who cares?

Though I am a little curious how you live with a guy for five years and are still shy about the jerking off.

If I had a nickel for every time I've caught my guy polishing his knob....

But then the fucker is kinda an exhibitionist and likes me to watch.
 
As I said, I don't mind that he's jerking off - I could care less. I'm just not a fan of him having another person participating in his masturbation. I guess I don't really like the idea of him exposing himself to others and getting off on it.

Another thing I meant to say in my first post is that he doesn't really connect "sex" with "love" like I do. To me, I've never really been a fan of one-night stands and the like - if I'm having sex with someone, there has to be an emotional connection. He doesn't agree, which is why I think he thinks jerking off with someone over a webcam is "okay".
 
OK we have no answers for this one, you really need to talk to him about this, then discuss what is acceptable, and for fucks sake, after five years, ask about the jerking off.
 
Yeah, you should have figured these things out in 5 years. Also, I'd never let a boyfriend tell me I'm acting like a girl when stuff needs discussing, but that's just me.

And lastly - I also don't connect love and sex. Clearly the latter works better with the former, but the latter is fun enough on its own. That said, if you're not ok with it, it's still cheating, regardless of how he feels about sex. Discuss it, don't be insecure about it. But one thing I could tell you from the perspective of a "love and sex are separate things" guy is - just because we separate them, doesn't mean we don't value the first. In fact, it means the second is less important to us and if we get it with the first, we're not gonna look for it outside. At least that's me.
 
If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal
 
Talk to him about it. Our opinions wether its cheating or not don't matter. How you establish your relationship and what rules are broken defines it. You're clearly upset about it so talk to him and how jerking off on webcam for other people makes you uncomfortable. For my personal opinion, while I'm in a relationship I see it as cheating and it hurts me. It involves stimulation between two men and it's understandable if it upsets you. The main thing is talking to him. He won't know what bothers you unless you tell him. If he continues after you talk to him, then that's a different problem.
 
As an update, I talked to him, and, to make a long story short, he said that he won't do it if it bothers me, and that he doesn't really find it all that exciting, it's just something he's been doing for years (long before we ever met), so it's just kinda been routine.

So, as long as he actually stops, which I believe he will, everything's good.

Thanks :)
 
Why don't you get on the other end of the cam?

Play with a bit of stranger role play perhaps?
 
Logistically, I'm not sure how well that would work, considering our computers are right next to each other - and we've only got the one webcam. Besides, I'd rather play with the real thing than a few pixels on the screen :P
 
This sounds like the time you need to set up the relationship boundaries of what is okay and what isn't. This tends to be a problem for many budding couples and it leads to unnecessary fights because "I didn't know". I don't just mean sex but other pertinent things.

I wouldn't jump the shark and flip out at him but sit down and talk with him about it.
 
I have never had an issue with my bf jerking off (whether it's to porn or to a webcam chat) As far as I'm concerned it's nothing more than porn with someone who is live rather than taped. And porn is porn period. My issue would come if he actively seeked out the guy. That's my opinion.
 
I do not have a problem with my bf masturbating with porn. I think that it's natural. I would have to draw the line for sure
at personal Skype and cam usage. It's personal, intimate and it's happening with someone else in real time. True monogamy requires that you be intimate with no one else. People and couples are free to do what they like but in my opinion, any sexually intimate communication with someone else is cheating and shouldn't be considered monogamy by any means.
 
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