Weird Social Anxiety situation

[ross_1986]

Hello Jubbers,

First off, I did see the thread about Social Anxiety and ADD in 'Hot Topics', but I didn't really want to talk about it in that section because this is serious and not just a general thing. (So if you have the power to do so, please don't move this thread, and if you need to - delete it)

Anyways...

I'm a very socially anxious person. Have been for ages. I'm on meds for it, I've talked to people about it, and it seems to go up and down. Right now it's up, but I find that it'd starting to take its toll to the point where I'm simply not happy anymore. It's been really bad for the past little while.

I find that I'm not really comfortable around anyone except for my family (who I don't live with anymore b/c I got a new job a few months ago, and I had to move to Toronto - which is fine since I've moved away in the past b/c of college), and I'm actually avoiding some people just so I don't have to experience this discomfort. So I have A LOT of examples of things that make me uncomfortable, but there is one situation that is REALLY getting to me lately.:

There is this guy who I work with. We went to school together, but I didn't really know him that well. He was having trouble finding work after school, so he asked me if they were hiring at the place that I work at.

In a nutshell, I helped him get a job at this place and now we work together. But I feel so uncomfortable around him. He's really nice, and I know that he wants to be my friend.

The problem is that he's a mans man (he's straight, like the typical things that a guy likes, sports, going out with the boys for beers, girls - I don't fit this category at all) so the more I'm with him, and the more he knows about me, the more anxious I get. He asks a lot of questions, and it always makes me nervous b/c I'm afraid to tell him my interests and what-not b/c I don't want to come across as feminine, etc, etc.

He was asking me if I had a girlfriend and if there's any hot girls that I like at our work and my anxiety level went through the roof. I kind of just tip-toed around the question. And he asks normal things like what I do for fun, what type of music I listen to, and I'm always anxious to answer these types of questions (I don't really have any straight male friends).

It's gotten to the point where I'm trying to avoid avoid him (it's difficult to do - since we work together), but I'm starting to not like going to work and I kind of want to get rid of him - even though I know that is not the right thing to do.

I know I should tell him I'm gay, and be honest about him about my interests, but it's SUCH a hard thing to do for some reason. This is really getting to me.

I know it may not seem big but this is just one of many social-related problems that I'm having right now, and it's the one that's having the most effect on me at the moment for some reason, so I want to tackle this right now.

What should I do??

 

[Link25]

I have a similar situation, in a sense that I can only get so close with somebody and therefore seem overly quiet, shy - and possibly "stuck up". I'd love to talk about Theater, Madonna and other pop music, Art, ect, but most straight guys are NOT into that - but I still want to be their friend. I have ZERO sports interests, not into action movies, and I'm just in a weird place at the moment which is why I signed up here tonight - your post sounds similar to me. I think what I might do is not say "I'm gay" but just be real about my interests and such and if that freaks them out then they weren't worth getting to know if the first place.

I have one female friend who jokes about me being gay because I do tell her I like Madonna, Britney, and all of that - and I dress "differently" I guess?? I just never came out and said it to her even though she'd be extremely supportive if I did.

I feel it's hard to make new friends because there's always that level of secrecy and you can't be 100% honest with them and end up being "quiet" when you're hanging out - I have no gay friends and I actually think i'd fit it way more with them if I did. I just want to find people with similar interests and I think i'd have a better social life - because now it's pretty much non-existent. Another problem is that I don't drink much and the bar scene and I don't know if i'm ready for the clubs yet although I think i'd have fun dancing

I know I didn't offer you much "Help" but just know you aren't alone.

 

[treanir]

Funny... I have the exact opposite thing: all my friends are straight, I'm possibly the one of the straightest gay men you'll ever meet and I rarely feel like I connect to a gay guy. Anyway, I believe you have a few good choices to solve this specific situation:
- Tell the guy you're gay and see what comes out of it. Of course you'll have to consider your place at work. Are you out there? If no, what would happen if you were? The situation's completely different if you fear you might lose your job becasue of it.
- Don't tell him, but give honest answers to his questions. He has probably already figured out you're not the beer-guzzling, tit-grabbing type of guy. You'd have let him know if you were. So be honest with him. If he wants to be friends because/despite the superficial differences, let him. If he can't handle a mate who likes Madonna for her music, so be it. This course of action may lead to option #1 automatically, but by that time you'll be mates, so there shouldn't be a problem.

Those are the two healthy options as I see them.

 

[KaraBulut]

It seems that the source of your anxiety is that you're hiding the fact that you're gay.

You didn't mention anything about how out your are. Are you out? If you're not out, then why?

 

[Ares]

Who cares if he thinks your not masculine enough? If he thinks you're too girly, and doesn't want to be your friend, problem solved. If he likes you anyway, even better.

I've actually found sometimes straight guys like being around guys who have un-masculine (is that a word?haha) interests because it gives them a chance to relax, open up, and talk about some of the things they enjoy but might not be as socially acceptable for a dude to like. They can get away from the whole alpha male bravado crap that a lot of men feel pressured to display.

Open up a little. You might find that he will do the same. I know it's easier said than done, but take it slow, and see how things go. You'll either get a new friend or get rid of him. Either way, you won't have to worry about seeing him at work anymore.

 

[PabloZed]

There is no obligation to declare your sexuality (unless you are getting married). Frankly, a workplace should be free of oversocializing. If you choose to be friends outside of work so be it.

Too many nosey people at work and most of us don't know how to deal with it, myself included.

 

[ross_1986]

I have a similar situation, in a sense that I can only get so close with somebody and therefore seem overly quiet, shy - and possibly "stuck up". I'd love to talk about Theater, Madonna and other pop music, Art, ect, but most straight guys are NOT into that - but I still want to be their friend. I have ZERO sports interests, not into action movies, and I'm just in a weird place at the moment which is why I signed up here tonight - your post sounds similar to me. I think what I might do is not say "I'm gay" but just be real about my interests and such and if that freaks them out then they weren't worth getting to know if the first place.

I have one female friend who jokes about me being gay because I do tell her I like Madonna, Britney, and all of that - and I dress "differently" I guess?? I just never came out and said it to her even though she'd be extremely supportive if I did.

I feel it's hard to make new friends because there's always that level of secrecy and you can't be 100% honest with them and end up being "quiet" when you're hanging out - I have no gay friends and I actually think i'd fit it way more with them if I did. I just want to find people with similar interests and I think i'd have a better social life - because now it's pretty much non-existent. Another problem is that I don't drink much and the bar scene and I don't know if i'm ready for the clubs yet although I think i'd have fun dancing

I know I didn't offer you much "Help" but just know you aren't alone.

That's EXACTLY how I am when I am with certain people, and I hate that. I understand exactly what you mean. I just hate worrying about this type of thing, especially when I know that I shouldn't worry. I don't even care if we are friends, but he's trying to get to know me, and I, being the people-pleaser that I am, would feel guilty if I didn't talk to him, etc. (and you did help, btw )

 

[ross_1986]

Hey Ross, I don't know what advise I could give, but just wanted to say that you are not alone with such issues. I too get so uncomfortable and sometimes scared when I'm confronted or put in situations where friends, family, or cousins will pry me about girlfriends and stuff. I think the best thing that works for me is to stay as cool as possible and not overreact, so far it has worked because I do blend in well.

If telling him that you're gay is not a problem for you, then you should just tell him and the weight and fear will be off your shoulders. You sound like you're just afraid of straight guys because all of your friends are gay, as you say. I'm sure the guy is just being a typical straight guy. You don't have to like hardcore contact sports, listen to heavy metal or rap music to get along with a straight guy at work.

You're definitely right about that. I'm trying to not put everything under a micro-scope. It's just so damn hard for me for some reason. And I'm not comfortable enough to tell him flat out about my sexuality. But I agree that I don't have to be a man's man to get along with someone else at work.

 

[ross_1986]

Funny... I have the exact opposite thing: all my friends are straight, I'm possibly the one of the straightest gay men you'll ever meet and I rarely feel like I connect to a gay guy. Anyway, I believe you have a few good choices to solve this specific situation:
- Tell the guy you're gay and see what comes out of it. Of course you'll have to consider your place at work. Are you out there? If no, what would happen if you were? The situation's completely different if you fear you might lose your job becasue of it.
- Don't tell him, but give honest answers to his questions. He has probably already figured out you're not the beer-guzzling, tit-grabbing type of guy. You'd have let him know if you were. So be honest with him. If he wants to be friends because/despite the superficial differences, let him. If he can't handle a mate who likes Madonna for her music, so be it. This course of action may lead to option #1 automatically, but by that time you'll be mates, so there shouldn't be a problem.

Those are the two healthy options as I see them.

lol @ 'beer-guzzling, tit-grabbing type of guy'. And that's exactly it, I withhold 'info' about myself b/c it could lead to option #1, lol. I do think I need to be more honest. I just don't know why it's such a difficult thing.

 

[ross_1986]

Who cares if he thinks your not masculine enough? If he thinks you're too girly, and doesn't want to be your friend, problem solved. If he likes you anyway, even better.

I've actually found sometimes straight guys like being around guys who have un-masculine (is that a word?haha) interests because it gives them a chance to relax, open up, and talk about some of the things they enjoy but might not be as socially acceptable for a dude to like. They can get away from the whole alpha male bravado crap that a lot of men feel pressured to display.

Open up a little. You might find that he will do the same. I know it's easier said than done, but take it slow, and see how things go. You'll either get a new friend or get rid of him. Either way, you won't have to worry about seeing him at work anymore.

That's good advice. actually. Thanks

It seems that the source of your anxiety is that you're hiding the fact that you're gay.

You didn't mention anything about how out your are. Are you out? If you're not out, then why?

I'm out to my family and close friends. I used to think this whole problem was b/c of my sexuality, but I'm actually nervous and anxious when I'm with gay people as well.

 

[treanir]

I'm out to my family and close friends. I used to think this whole problem was b/c of my sexuality, but I'm actually nervous and anxious when I'm with gay people as well.

Emphasis added for, well, emphasis. If you don't feel comfortable around gay guys either, I think the problem lies deeper than just you not being out. But then again, you started the topic with that.
Let me ask you a question: are you comfortable with your sexuality? If you're not, perhaps (probably) that's the root of your problem.

 

[Link25]

That's EXACTLY how I am when I am with certain people, and I hate that. I understand exactly what you mean. I just hate worrying about this type of thing, especially when I know that I shouldn't worry. I don't even care if we are friends, but he's trying to get to know me, and I, being the people-pleaser that I am, would feel guilty if I didn't talk to him, etc. (and you did help, btw )

Glad I could be of some assistance.

I didn't know you were out to family and friends - you're one step ahead of me. Best of luck, please keep us (or just me) updated

 

[ross_1986]

Emphasis added for, well, emphasis. If you don't feel comfortable around gay guys either, I think the problem lies deeper than just you not being out. But then again, you started the topic with that.
Let me ask you a question: are you comfortable with your sexuality? If you're not, perhaps (probably) that's the root of your problem.

Not really, no. I was a couple of years ago, but now I'm not nearly as comfortable as I was.

Same situation here. On paxil for it. You're not alone.

I'm sorry to hear that.
I've been weening my self off of paxil for a year, so perhaps that's the root of my problem. I don't think so though.