Well, this came out of nowhere

[godson112]

Lube that thread you've reccomended is the PERFECT thing.

OP, I'm going to be blunt here as well but I really don't think you're being fair to yourself or your wife to stay married. Like Lex said (I think it was Lex?) you can stay in love outside a relationship... My next door neighbour is my best friend and I love her to pieces. I'd put her BEFORE anyone I was in a relationship with. I've lived next door to her for 11 years, been the closest friends with her for 6 years, gone to college with her for 2 years, worked with her for 1 year and there's nobody I value more in the world (apart from my mother ) but it proves that there's no reason you can't love someone outside a relationship but then there's the bad news.

Just because it's possible doesn't mean that it will work. She may end up resenting, detesting and loathing you once you tell her. And you might not like it but I think that's the best you can hope for because it's not fair to put her at risk, lie to her and lie to yourself. Your wife sounds like a good woman, don't treat her like she isn't. She deserves to know and I can't stress enough how much she needs to know. You can't predict how she'll react, she may not end up hating you, she might be grateful hell she might even be happy for you. But whatever the case, all you can do is bite the bullet and start the next chapter of your life because I think it's time you turned the page on this one.

 

[Telstra]

The saying "the truth will set you free" is so true.

Married couple should know each others secrets as especially sexual secrets.

Your wife is over weight, she has issues of her own. If she know your sexual secrets/fantasies ...... she might loose weight ... who knows ..

 

[spencer]

It seems like even if you had had more male buddies during your marriage, you'd still be seeking males to be with. IMO, I don't think that's the reason you're emotionally attracted to men.

 

[terps420]

I don't really have any advice to give you NotSoStraight, as I'm half your age (literally), aren't married and am openly bisexual. I just have to say, just from reading your posts, I can tell you must be an exceptionally wonderful guy. Most people, even at your age aren't nearly as self-aware, prudent and eloquent as you are. I envy your rationale and sense of humor, and I think you should definitely reconsider your stance on having kids. Have lots of them, we need more people like you in this world.

 

[Telstra]

I don't really have any advice to give you NotSoStraight, as I'm half your age (literally), aren't married and am openly bisexual. I just have to say, just from reading your posts, I can tell you must be an exceptionally wonderful guy. Most people, even at your age aren't nearly as self-aware, prudent and eloquent as you are. I envy your rationale and sense of humor, and I think you should definitely reconsider your stance on having kids. Have lots of them, we need more people like you in this world.

Instead of having kids. How about teaching kids ?

 

[NotSoStraight67]

Holy cow. Just got home from a long day; no 'net access. I sped through all the GREAT posts since this morning and will respond when I can, as the dust continues to settle.

Sincerest thanks for taking so much time to help me, and maybe help others.

 

[NotSoStraight67]

OK, it's late, I need to get to bed, but I can't resist responding ...

Telstra: I'd love to be a teacher. I can't tell you what I do now, but let's just say I have an opportunity to make a (partial) career shift to (college) teaching, and I might just do that. That's not teaching kindergarten, of course, but still, you can make a difference in (fairly) young people's lives. Plus, kids under 10 scare me. Seriously. That's one reason we didn't have any.

Terps: Thank you. I teared up a little. But of course, I'm tired.

Spencer: You might be right. I don't know. I think I should at least try to make a "good friend" of this guy first. If it turns into something "more," or it looks like it might turn into something "more," then I deal with that if and when it happens. But to shut off a friendship in its VERY early stage (I just met the guy a few days ago remember -- this might fizzle) seems wrong.

Godson: My wife is a fantastic woman. One slightly, maybe significantly, complicating fact is that she's not 100 percent well. She has a disorder that I probably should not identify, which is one reason why we didn't have kids (not the only reason). This is also a reason (not the only reason) why our sex life has suffered. Suffice to say she deals with it remarkably well, and to be honest, she credits me with pushing her to hold a full-time job and to not make this disorder an excuse as many (most?) people with it do. So filing for divorce tomorrow is simply not going to happen. That would not be fair to her. She has a good job, but I have a very good job. Walking out to just "set her free" does not work in this situation.

Lube: You think Mary Tyler Moore is really that gay? Really?? Ha! I laughed out loud (sorry, lol) when I read that. But getting back to the matter at hand, the rest of your post REALLY resonated. Immediate divorce by me filing is not an option, for the reason I explained above. That would be wholly cruel. My wife had this disorder when I met her. I promised to love her regardless. And I have. I'm biased, but I've been very supportive, sometimes with not tons in return. Now, if it is I who has changed -- shifted to being a lot more gay, which it seems I might have done -- that's different. That's because that reflects on me, not her. That being said, if we did get divorced, she'd blame herself to a degree. That would eat me up . So ... I need to figure out more about me first, before possibly smashing the apple cart and setting it on fire. I just simply don't know where I'm at on this continuum yet.

Elwood: I'm waiting for that dawning "on the edge of the bed" moment. It hasn't happened yet, but it might. I'm pretty happy now in many ways, but I know I could be happier. On a side issue, my dad is elderly, not well. This would ROCK HIS WORLD. Of course, in hindsight, he was part of the "problem." I recall the subtle messages when I was VERY young that I HAD TO like girls. But this might kill him. Literally. This is complicated, guys. And not funny at all. OK, I need a martini.

Fetaby: Wow. I've read your post several times; I most certainly did not skip over it. As for the internet JO guys on craigslist, I'm done. I've learned my lesson. Next paragraph: Yes, my wife and I are drifting apart. But it's not just sex. She's changed more than I have, I think. But I'm biased. Anyway, work stresses her out and consumes her much more than it used to. Emotionally, there's not much there for me, and I'm a lot more supportive of her than she is of me -- a consequence of her decades-long illness, I think, and my consistent encouragement, and the pattern we've fallen into where I support her, and she accepts it, and thrives on it, and doesn't return a lot of it, because she doesn't have the energy to do so. There are other things, but I won't go into them.

But your paragraph on the "new man" is the big payoff in your post. It IS exciting; I won't deny it. You ask and then observe: "Do you think these feelings of anxiousness and excitement are a result of denying your need for male companionship or did the man warrant these reactions on his own accord. Answer this and you'll have your answer as to how far you should take your relationship with him." I've read this a half dozen times, and it's pretty damn profound, and I do not have the answer. All the more reason to just keep things slow, go with the flow, see where this leads. Again, I repeat, I just met this guy. I might've read things differently. I might be a lot gayer than he is, and he might dash from the thought of any m4m (as I would have probably a year ago).

Peltalswilt: I'm sure you've read my PM, which followed your apology, which in turn was very much appreciated. Thanks. But for the record, and to sign off with a little humor at least, I tried wanking in front of the mirror, although it's been more than 20 years ago, and look where it got me.

Good night guys.

 

[Tigara]

Wow, I have to say, standing ovation to you. The maturity and grace you've used to handle this is astounding and rare. You're a true gem among people.

But as for advice, I can't give too much. I'm not even half you age. But what I'd recommend is talk to your wife. If she really loves you, she'll understand and you can work something out.

And as for your man, start as friends. That's what I do. No sense in rushing what you don't have to. Take it slow and just get to know him as a person before making any decisions.

And good luck, man *hugs*

 

[tallguy297]

Notso... I too am in awe of you a little... not so much because of your choices but of your candor and desire to somehow make sense of this.

Its funny... I read all your posts and the one thing thats a constant is "but..."

Yes I love my wife but...
No I dont want to hurt her but...
Yes I have almost given up on our situation but...
Yes I have decided that I just want a male friend but...
Do I have feeling for this guy... yes but...

Mate... you need to take control. Maybe not of everything but you have to start somewhere.

I have a question I guess... At what point did you think it was time to stop working at your relationship with your wife?

Was it when you stopped shooting cum for feet?
Was it when she got sick?
Was it when you stopped laughing?
Or was it when you stopped challenging her?

See, the weird part is you are saying you want a "relationship" or "bestfreindship" with this guy... and yet it wasn't so long ago your wife served that purpose. She was the one you confided in and laughed with... Now you say shes not worth the effort.

Mate... first stop. Stop dismissing this with humour. Yeah your right. This board might need some laughs... but right now sticking your head in the sand takes you nowhere. Its to stop with the distractions of all kinds and be honest with yourself.

It honestly seems to me that you have already moved on from your wife, the only reason you are staying is some sense of obligation. You stopped challenging her about her weight because it was the "right" thing to do... but love means honesty. You drifted apart because its "easier".

I know shes sick. I know you love her. I know you care deeply for her. All of those things are very real and they do count.

But as a man who obviously prides himself on his looks, his station in life, his fitness, its obvious to me you think you have outgrown her. Combine this with your sexual uncertainty, the fact you have just meet this new mysterious person and you've just found a guy you might consider your equal... on all levels. Hes the guy that ticks all those boxes your wife no longer does... and then some.

Its time to man up notsostriaght it really is. My guess is you already know all this you just cant bring yourself to admit it.

Like I said mate you have my complete admiration... and your courage for coming this far is pretty bloody special.

If I'm wrong then I apologise unreservedly. If I'm rude I apologise unreservedly and with the utmost sincerity.

And I'm sorry theres nothing in this post to make you even smile let alone laugh... but if you dont get this sorted it will end in tears.

For your sake mate its time to work it out - there will never be a better time because this hole only gets deeper the longer you walk around it.

 

[mj2006a]

Welcome to the club! You are not alone dealing with the desires and all that come with that, especially issues of the past that comes haunting you when you are around your age.

So, the relationship with your wife has aged (as she has and you have whether noticeable or not) and sex is not as hot as once it was. Suddenly, a knee pressing experience (and I have been there) sends you vibes straight to your mind, heart and crotch (yep, I have been there). Life would be grand if just walking away or opening up to your wife would solve the hurting that will come out of it. Life calls for responsibility, for actual love and so on. I agree with all that has been said here and I am in no position to give you any advice as I found myself in the same situation few years ago.

At the moment my question is: what is it that you want? Who are you? What can you do to make your life worth living? Is having sex with guys that imperative for your wholesomeness? You are the only one who can come with the answer for your case since you are the only one who knows all the elements of your own person. It has been suggested that you find yourself a therapist and I hope you do. Find one who will really help you figure out who you are and what you want and not one who will fast put you in a little box and tell you to find your place in the gay community. There are good psychologists out there. There are bad ones as well. So be aware.

Yes, the relationship between you and your wife has aged with all other aspects. What have you done to keep the flame burning? As one of the poster says: She also has the right to be happy. Are you depriving her of that happiness as you are searching your own? Are you still enabling her to be happy? She has to find her own happiness but my feeling is that in a marriage we are all responsible to help eachother achieve that happiness. By the way, some advised that you tell her about your attraction to men. Can she take the news? She may even know already but cannot put her finger to define her feelings. She may not. I am of the opinion that if you are going to be open to her about being horny for guys be ready for a divorce. Accepting that you are attracted to men or confused about your sexuality may be easy but accepting you going to bed with them while still in a relationship with her may not be that acceptable (I have heard of some who accept the so called "closed loop relationship"). Besides, if you want to be in the marriage and she cannot take the news lightly why even discuss this thing? The chance of a divorce is huge. If you cannot face it then you will have to repress it and work on yourself if you can take it. You will have to make your own mind and make a decision about what you want, who you are within your own values and beliefs and faith. What can you handle?

I once was in your situation. It was agonizing for me. It destroyed my joy. Actually, it destroyed my career, finances and all due to the emotions it brought. Being in chat places and never doing anything was like going to a wedding feast, seeing the food everywhere and leaving desperately hungry for never touching any food. It just increase the agony I had inside. Through the process, I met many chat buddies online. Some great guys taking the issues very seriously. Others who just wanted to fuck who had total peace about it all while I did not. Others who were just mad because I am/was (I use both tenses because although I have not done anything in years, I will never promise I will never do it again because this crap is stronger than I am and it is just by God's grace I can hang in there). I confess that I was quite disappointed as I realized a bunch of guys just treat each other as piece of asses. Others brought some joys for treating us as human beings. Find out what is fine for yourself, what you can handle. That is a beginning.

This thread is not about my issue but about yours. I wish you the best and I hope you can be find happiness as you figure out the issues.

 

[DonSade]

I'll just say that once that light bulb is on, there's no turning back. Perhaps you believe you're doing other people and yourself a favor by keeping things the way they are with your wife but in reality, you're not only hurting yourself keeping this but also contributing to it worsening to the point where the elephant will grow so big it'll end up blowing the entire house up with no way to even consider fixing it.

I'm young and never been married but like you since I was young I fancied girls and also appreciated males as untouchable beauty. I regularly had sex with girls from a very young age and trust me, if you would've told me 2 or 3 years ago that I wouldn't crave pussy I would've laughed in your face. I was still in a relationship with a girl I met in college when I met a guy who became my best friend. I found him attractive although not the usual type of guy I'd consider worth looking at. And things between us grew to the point where I couldn't ignore my feelings for him were outgrowing by leaps and bounds what I could ever feel for my girlfriend... EVER. And I somehow believed her and I could be together forever at some point...

To make the long story short, it obviously didn't work out with her. I did tell her at some point I was bisexual and she didn't mind it although when we did break up it wasn't pertaining him. I never pursued anything other than a friendship with him despite the fact that he offered himself sexually to me on many an occasion after I told him about how I felt (I never even kissed him)... and he turned out to be the shittiest most confusing person I've ever met in my entire life who thought silence could solve all of the worlds issues... but he opened my eyes and I thank him dearly for it. And even though today him and I can't even look at each other's eyes without some kind of a piercing knife as the subliminal message I can't ignore the fact that he is the first person I ever truly fell in love with. And you know what? I still care about him! I feel like an abused wife in a bullied relationship after saying that (that's no laughing matter lol)

Until very recently I thought I was bisexual. I consider myself gay right now because I haven't been properly attracted to a girl since my last girlfriend. I could probably have sex with a girl right now but I really have no interest in pursuing it. I NEED a man!

My point here is that at some point you're gonna have to deal with this head on, because you know it won't vanish. It hasn't after 15 years of marriage (one of the reasons you got married to begin with I read?). I went through hell and back for almost two years trying to understand why and in the end only accepting myself made any sense!

I admire the courage you have to seek help about this and I can tell you're a conscious person but you have to take some sort of action. Inaction is never the solution to anything really (or maybe a few things lol). This might sound extremely selfish but, even if she loves you, the only person who can truly litigate for your own happiness is yourself and you do know in your heart you won't be happy staying with your wife in the current state. Even if it crushes your heart that you'll hurt her in the process being honest is as best as you can truly demonstrate how much you do love her. The more you wait to tell her, the tougher it'll be for her to sort this out. She has the right to decide what's best for her marriage too!

My advice is: Preemptively attack before you see the ships on the horizon. That usually means things are way past the point of no return. You're still not there but if you somehow develop strong feelings for this new friend, trust me, you'll be there quicker than you can snap your fingers. Get a counselor to help you understand what's really bugging you.

I wish you the best and hope you realize the fog will always be there even if you keep ignoring it. Yes there's a lot to lose but, there's also a lot more to gain by taking the weight off your shoulders. It'll eventually eat at your soul, not your mind. Trust me, many of us have been there before and it's not pretty. It's a pretty rough patch to try to simply slide through and that you can avoid with the proper help.

 

[NotSoStraight67]

More fantastic posts to ponder. So many thanks.

Sigh.

Mj200a, my sense is that I should include my wife in the discussion very early on. As I said, we know lots of gay folks, both individually and to a lesser degree as couples. She's not in any sense a homophobe, or thinking that this would be a choice for me. She's not in that camp AT ALL. We're both bleeding-heart liberals and proud of it. Anyway, if me bringing this up leads to divorce, that would be more her decision than mine, and hers to make. I do not think I should be initiating any sort of divorce or even separation at this stage. Too early, at least for me.

So ...

Counselor first, talk to my wife second? Or other way around? I can see it both ways.

Gotta run; will respond more when I can.

 

[Elwood]

I would say counselor first with the intention of the counselor helping you bring it up with your wife.

 

[Lube]

Anyway, if me bringing this up leads to divorce, that would be more her decision than mine, and hers to make.

No.

No.

No.

Re-read TallGuy's post. I agree completely with him. You are shirking all responsibility. It is not her decision; it is your decision!

Take control of your life. No one else will.

Sure, you care deeply for your wife, and your father.

But this is your life and you need to take control of it. It is spinning wildly out of control, and you must steer the plane or it will crash and burn.

The final turning point that allowed me to come out was saying to myself, "Fuck everybody else. I've spent my whole life pleasing/appeasing other people. It's time to please myself."

I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that in a take-control way. The only person who controls your life is you, and you need to wrest control away from guilt about your wife's disease and your father.

That is the only way you will acheive happiness, and your wife and father will achieve closure.

Good luck, and keep posting.

 

[Lube]

I also think DonSade makes some very good points, too.

 

[fetaby]

No.

No.

No.

Re-read TallGuy's post. I agree completely with him. You are shirking all responsibility. It is not her decision; it is your decision!

Take control of your life. No one else will.agreed.

Sure, you care deeply for your wife, and your father.Did I miss something? Am I out of the loop?

But this is your life and you need to take control of it. It is spinning wildly out of control, and you must steer the plane or it will crash and burn.Disagree, while a path has opened. He alone must determine his pace. Use his eyes to see where it's going, and anticipate what may lie around the bend.

The final turning point that allowed me to come out was saying to myself, "Fuck everybody else. I've spent my whole life pleasing/appeasing other people. It's time to please myself." And that was what was right for you. Is it what is right for Not So? I don't know.

I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean that in a take-control way. The only person who controls your life is you, and you need to wrest control away from guilt about your wife's disease and your father.

That is the only way you will acheive happiness, and your wife and father will achieve closure.

Good luck, and keep posting.

I will assume that "dad" came up in a pm between Lube and Not So. If it is the case that you feel being attracted to men will somehow diminish your relationship with your father, your right. But give the man some credit, he got you here. In my mind, a good parent is one who wants their children to be individual and free thinking. Doesn't assert control over them, but guides them in life and helps them succeed. That's all I will say about that.

Selfish... I'm beginning to see that word a lot here. At some point everyone must learn how to be selfish. Learn how to say no. But also learn how to gift and say yes. I agree that when the time comes to sever the remaining ties to your wife, it should be you Not So, making the decision to do so. Giving her that option is a cop out. But I'm biased, as I strongly believe in individual culpability. The way I see it, your born alone and you die alone. And most everything in between is accepting that. You either realize it and gift your self to those you deem important and love, or you deny it and fill the void of loneliness in a frenzied attempt to escape the inevitable. Not so, you've unturned some moss covered rocks and liked what you saw underneath, but only you will know what to do with the treasures you've found. Share them with your wife? Your dad? Time will tell.

And that brings me to something I really want to say, and it's probably gonna piss off some people here. Not So, take the advice you get here with a grain of salt. You've freely admitted several times your bias in this situation. And I think it's time we did the same as well, and if this doesn't apply to anyone but me, I'll keep my foot in my mouth and go back to Hot Topics. As a gay man living in a society that is unaccepting at best, and dangerous at worst, I feel that same desire to not be alone. The thought of welcoming a brother in to the fold is exciting. Espescially one as smart and well written as Not So. We do have an agenda of equality and acceptance. We may not see it happen in society in our lifetime, but we always find comfort in the fact that we are not alone. And we get our instant gratification here at JUB. I think it unwise of us to suggest Not So divorce his wife. We may think we know it all as many of us have gone through the same situations, but we will never know the true depths of it even if we were to meet Not So. Even if he were to pour out every single thought, emotion, and fiber of his self in these threads. We see in him the makings of a fine brother (some of us are even having thoughts of fratrimony ). Let's not rush his life forward in our bias. It's taken him this long to get where he's at now, and there is no telling how long it will take him to get where we think he needs to be. So back up a little.

Not So, how are you doing? I want details. Sorry to take up the soap box, and Lube believe me when I say I'm not picking on you. (it could be seen that way as I quoted your post) I'm going to be quiet now and let the grown folks talk.

 

[fetaby]

Random thought, so this is where the long posts go.

 

[mj2006a]

This is my limited and personal opinion:

Let me just put it clear. It is up to us to have the balls and to assume our responsibility in this. It is common to see cheating party being "caught" cheating (be with men or women) and then the partner (be homo or hetero) having to make the decision about divorces. That is a tough call to make and cross to bear. We, with the issue, should make that call. Are we willing to work the issues of your life and marriage within your life? Are we committed to make it work?

I have learned that subconsciously/unnoticeably we leave traits behind giving clues of all the junk that is going on and eventually our partners are caught with the responsibility to call the shots of a divorce or for a deep discussion that we are so afraid to face.

Going for counseling would be my first choice. Have courage to figure out what you want and call the shots. Being liberal and accepting gays around you have nothing to do with her reaction when she feels hurt about not being the special one for you anymore. Have you heard about loving wives snapping?

Divorce is a tough decision and I truly share the pain with you but it is your decision. I would go to counseling, I would first find out who I am and what I want before bringing the issue to the table. If you are caught, it is because you have already made the decision and chosen your destiny even if it is subconsciously.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. You do not have to come out to the world or to anyone else but yourself at the moment. It is another choice that you are to make. However know this: once you come out of the closet, going back into it to work your issues is nearly impossible. You may even stop messing with guys but you offered the world a reason to see as a gay or bisexual guy. Personally, the coming out process includes great relief but also include a lot of pain. Can you take the pain? There is quite a fake tolerance in the world towards gay. You should not be surprised to find out that many people that say that they accept gays say so because they want to sound modern and cool. My experience is that it is truly a big ole bullshit. So, are you ready to make a decision? What do you want? Are you sure you want to live a gay life? Are you sure that that is your choice? If not go for counseling to make the proper decision.

Also, the more you browse Craigslist, the harder it is for you to work this issue and make decision with clear mind. You will be always horny FOR GUYS. Now that you know you are able to have sex with guys and enjoy it, let it be clear that you also know that it is hot, animalistic and it is ALL sex. Sex with a woman is way more than just sex. I know it and feel it. I looooooooove sex with guys. I loooooove making love to a woman when there is love involved. Whether I meet guys or not is not a question here since this is your thread. If I had to choose sex for sex it would be with guys. If you are looking for love, you already have the elements necessary to love and be loved whether that is sexual or not. Can you sacrifice sex for that love or can work on that love so that the consequence of loving your wife once more will include sex? If the answer is negative, you have a decision to make. So buddy, welcome to the new world you are stepping into. You are entering on your own it sounds. All your efforts of exercising and looking good is again making you feel good. Someone is noticing you. Your knee buddy noticed you are hot. Wow, what a great feeling to have when someone else's attitude confirms that you are desired. You will be called to make choices or to go into deep denial due to the heavy load that being responsible calls you to carry.

Now, if your wife accepts you getting sex outside the marriage as in a closed loop situation... well, you are in a quite different circumstance than most of us and I sincerely am not qualified at all to talk about it.

All I know is that after 7 years facing the fact that I am able to be with guys and enjoy sex with them, the pain, the conflicts, the continuous questioning of what is right and what is wrong leads me to wish that i had never been with a guy at first place. However, I was and it has impacted my life and I do take responsibility for what my life has become and also pray that the load will be easier tomorrow than today.

Best wishes.

MJ
/

More fantastic posts to ponder. So many thanks.

Sigh.

Mj200a, my sense is that I should include my wife in the discussion very early on. As I said, we know lots of gay folks, both individually and to a lesser degree as couples. She's not in any sense a homophobe, or thinking that this would be a choice for me. She's not in that camp AT ALL. We're both bleeding-heart liberals and proud of it. Anyway, if me bringing this up leads to divorce, that would be more her decision than mine, and hers to make. I do not think I should be initiating any sort of divorce or even separation at this stage. Too early, at least for me.

So ...

Counselor first, talk to my wife second? Or other way around? I can see it both ways.

Gotta run; will respond more when I can.

 

[Lube]

FWIW, this is the "dad" issue I was referring to (noted by Fetaby):

On a side issue, my dad is elderly, not well. This would ROCK HIS WORLD. Of course, in hindsight, he was part of the "problem." I recall the subtle messages when I was VERY young that I HAD TO like girls. But this might kill him. Literally. This is complicated, guys. And not funny at all. OK, I need a martini.

I think it unwise of us to suggest Not So divorce his wife. We may think we know it all as many of us have gone through the same situations, but we will never know the true depths of it even if we were to meet Not So. Even if he were to pour out every single thought, emotion, and fiber of his self in these threads. We see in him the makings of a fine brother (some of us are even having thoughts of fratrimony ). Let's not rush his life forward in our bias. It's taken him this long to get where he's at now, and there is no telling how long it will take him to get where we think he needs to be. So back up a little.

Not So, how are you doing? I want details. Sorry to take up the soap box, and Lube believe me when I say I'm not picking on you. (it could be seen that way as I quoted your post) I'm going to be quiet now and let the grown folks talk.

No problem Fetaby. And of course no one here can (or is even trying to) tell NotSoStraight what to do. We are all suggesting; admittedly some more vehement than others.

The thing is, this situation has little to do with being gay. What if, NotSoStraight, you found a woman that you knocked knees with; a woman that found you sexy; a woman that didn't have the baggage of your wife's; a woman that you started (or wanted to) have sex with? Isn't it time to divorce?

As somebody mentioned, don't create drama and heartache in a relationship as it spirals out of control because you are unable to admit you want out. Make a statement: I want a divorce. Believe me, it makes it easier.

Someone close to me (a straight woman) had her marriage royally fucked up by a husband who refused to call it quits, and instead cheated on her, got caught, and all sorts of drama ensued. All because he was too afraid to just ask for a divorce when he knew it wasn't working.

Is that what you want?

 

[NotSoStraight67]

Wow, guys, SO MUCH to think about! I've stayed up late two nights in a row; am exhausted. I'll reply when I can. Got to get to bed tonight. These posts are most appreciated, particularly as the "crisis" fades a little.

The quick update: My wife and I went to dinner and split a bottle of wine. No heart-to-heart, but always good to reconnect. And then, "the guy" and I have traded emails every night since I first met him. (OK, the deal: He's been out of town on work all week.)

Weird shit, man.

But I'm OK. Thanks for asking. Will write more ...