Welp, I guess everybody knows now

[Christopher123]

I'm glad you're getting all of this out and telling your story. That must have been crushing to drive to his bedside and then be ignored, for him to die without making peace with you.

The drive home was the worst. And we're talking approx. a 16-hour drive. I had 16 hours to dwell on that crap. And it wasn't fun. I had to pull over more than once because I couldn't see to drive my freakin car.

I still think about it occasionally because I don't know what I did to make him hate me so much. I wish he would have at least told me. Hell, even if he would have come right out and said, "Yes, I hate you, you're no longer my son, get out of my face."

That would have been better than nothing at all. But he said nothing. He just decided to turn his back one day and that was it. I was left to draw my own conclusions and sit around day after day wondering what the hell I did wrong.

And I'm the same way about people being mad at me. Just tell me what's wrong. It doesn't matter what it is. Not knowing why can be like torture for me.

Same here.

Whatever happened to his 2nd wife? Do you have any sort of relationship with her and can she shed any light on the situation?

She died too. She was much older than he was and in poor health. She'd had heart problems since she was a kid and went through numerous open-heart surgeries and she died not long after my father did. So there's no chance of ever getting anything there. I thought about it after my dad died... calling her and asking her what the hell happened. But see, my sister and brother and I lived with her and my dad for a little over a year while my mother was in rehab. And let's just put it this way, we didn't call her the "evil stepmother" for nothing. That was one whole year of pure hell.

So there's no way I could have gone to her anyway. She hated us kids bigtime. Especially my brother because he challenged her on a regular basis, especially when it came to me. Anytime she'd come after me with her bullshit, my brother would get between her and I and would tell her to stay the hell away from me. So I lost my brother for a while because, since he was a 'threat' to her and was getting in her way of being a meanass bitch to ME, they sent him to stay with other relatives. See, when my mom went into rehab, they (my dad and the stepmother) sold our house out from underneath us and kept us for a little over a year until the place was sold. Because whoever had custody of the kids, of course, got more money from the sale of the house. Once the house was sold, they dumped us back off on my mom and booked to Florida. Took the money and ran, baby.

They also cashed in my 18-year endowment policy that my mom and dad paid into my entire childhood. I was supposed to get that money when I turned 18 for like college or a car or whatever I wanted it for. But they cashed it in and kept the money for themselves.

Nice people, huh?

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Chris, I think Riverrick may be on to something.
Do you have a good enough rapport with your Dad's 2nd wife to call her? Just inquire as to how she is doing and empathize about your shared loss. Perhaps if you explain how tortured you are about your Dad's unexplained behavior and that you just can't put it to rest, she just might open up to you.
The other avenue could be your brother. He sounds like a great guy and is probably close enough to understand your family's dynamics.
I hope you find peace with this and that your "outing" won't turn into a family circus.
We can't choose our family like we do our friends, but you certainly can divorce yourself from the mean spirited members. If they say and do ugly things let them know they can take their opinions and criticism and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.
This site is just great and I hope we have all provided enough to show our support and encouragement.

 

[Christopher123]

Chris, I think Riverrick may be on to something.
Do you have a good enough rapport with your Dad's 2nd wife to call her?

See my reply to Rick above

We can't choose our family like we do our friends, but you certainly can divorce yourself from the mean spirited members. If they say and do ugly things let them know they can take their opinions and criticism and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

I might just do that.

This site is just great and I hope we have all provided enough to show our support and encouragement.

You have. And I appreciate it more than you know. It's been a long time since I've talked to anyone about all of this. And it feels good to get it out.

to you all.

 

[Riverrick]

The drive home was the worst. And we're talking approx. a 16-hour drive. I had 16 hours to dwell on that crap. And it wasn't fun. I had to pull over more than once because I couldn't see to drive my freakin car.

What a nightmare.

I still think about it occasionally because I don't know what I did to make him hate me so much. I wish he would have at least told me. Hell, even if he would have come right out and said, "Yes, I hate you, you're no longer my son, get out of my face."

That would have been better than nothing at all. But he said nothing. He just decided to turn his back one day and that was it. I was left to draw my own conclusions and sit around day after day wondering what the hell I did wrong.

Of course you would wonder this and try to figure it out. Your self-worth was on the line. Because if our parents can't love us, it leaves us wondering if we are lovable.

She died too. She was much older than he was and in poor health. She'd had heart problems since she was a kid and went through numerous open-heart surgeries and she died not long after my father did. So there's no chance of ever getting anything there. I thought about it after my dad died... calling her and asking her what the hell happened. But see, my sister and brother and I lived with her and my dad for a little over a year while my mother was in rehab. And let's just put it this way, we didn't call her the "evil stepmother" for nothing. That was one whole year of pure hell.

So there's no way I could have gone to her anyway. She hated us kids bigtime. Especially my brother because he challenged her on a regular basis, especially when it came to me. Anytime she'd come after me with her bullshit, my brother would get between her and I and would tell her to stay the hell away from me. So I lost my brother for a while because, since he was a 'threat' to her and was getting in her way of being a meanass bitch to ME, they sent him to stay with other relatives. See, when my mom went into rehab, they (my dad and the stepmother) sold our house out from underneath us and kept us for a little over a year until the place was sold. Because whoever had custody of the kids, of course, got more money from the sale of the house. Once the house was sold, they dumped us back off on my mom and booked to Florida. Took the money and ran, baby.

More of the nightmare. And Chris, as a reality check, you really did go through an unbelievably horrible experience as a kid. You must have felt like you had no anchor in your life.

They also cashed in my 18-year endowment policy that my mom and dad paid into my entire childhood. I was supposed to get that money when I turned 18 for like college or a car or whatever I wanted it for. But they cashed it in and kept the money for themselves.

And so they left you nothing. It just makes my head spin. And makes me want to give you another one of these.

I'm glad you are sharing this. I, for one, am Listening.

 

[Christopher123]

Of course you would wonder this and try to figure it out. Your self-worth was on the line. Because if our parents can't love us, it leaves us wondering if we are lovable.

Yeah. That's been my problem for a long time. I'm a pretty insecure person (which I'd really like to change). And now that you've said this, it makes me realize this may very well be the reason I can't understand how or why anyone would love me. I use shyness as an excuse, as the reason, I've only had one real relationship in my life. And I'm sure that's definitely part of it. But, obviously, it's not all of it.

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that.

I'm glad you are sharing this. I, for one, am Listening.

 

[JayHew]

Chirs, I don't know you from adam, but what you have gone through is pretty tough and I commend you for being the person you are now. Keep at it and don't spend a lot of time on the wondering why, because you will only drive yourself crazy and likely never get an answer in this life. You need to be self-assured and seem to be, so don't loose it. Also one of the tenets spoken of in Eastern Philosphy is if we hate or dislike something intense enough, we eventually become it; this because we give more and more energy to it and dwell on it often enough, it becomes our reality, so do yourself a favor and don't go there.

What you can rely on are the people here and in other areas of your life to give you validation of you being a good and decent person. That is where your reality should lay. The whys, where for and how come may be learned at some point in time or space, but at this juncture, it is your family's great loss in not knowing you, you can pity them, but don't dislike or hate them.

Establish your own world in you own manner and not worry about what family wants or says. Keep in contact with those in the family who will be supportive or understand of you, the rest let go. Perhaps the family was only a vehicle for you to come through to get expression of your life in this time and place but you have no obligation to conform or tolerate them disliking or dissing you.

You can ponder some of these things in your heart while becoming the decent person you are and being a help to fellow human beings when needed. You seem to have that quality about you that will overcome this adversity and become a shining example of how to become proper in just being. Just never lose the quality of love you have for yourself, thus never losing it for others.

 

[tallguy297]

Yeah. That's been my problem for a long time. I'm a pretty insecure person (which I'd really like to change). And now that you've said this, it makes me realize this may very well be the reason I can't understand how or why anyone would love me. I use shyness as an excuse, as the reason, I've only had one real relationship in my life. And I'm sure that's definitely part of it. But, obviously, it's not all of it.

Well Chris, I get this....I really do. I know that whats you think.

But you know what. You are also one of the strongest, caring, most open and honest guys I've been lucky enough to meet. The way that you've handled this is such a credit to you...its so easy to blame yourself for the shortsightedness of others...and god knows mate your dad has given you nothing but excuses to hate yourself... but the fact that you are the guy you are today is a testament to your courage and inner fortitude. Geez...you're almost an inspiration I'd say...proof that misguided and ill directed hatred is not a reason to stop living your life.

Your value is huge Chris. Your trust and honesty are amazing. And your compassion for others is obvious. We have a lot to be grateful to your family for...your father for showing you how not to treat others and your brother for the opposite. Most of all we have to be grateful for the strength and courage that you posses and the intelligence to have chosen the path you did.

Whenever that doubt and fear hit you mate, whenever you relive that drive or that visit, whenever your family judge and misjudge you...do me a favour? Just remember one thing.

We know better.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Geez Chris, my childhood wasn't exactly Sunny Brook Farm, but it pales in comparison to yours.
You deserve so much credit for surviving it and becoming the person you are.
Love and respect are earned. Based upon your fathers behavior (and that of other family members), he (and they) don't deserve your love or respect.
At this point it's not even a case of "tough love", it's a matter of severing your relationships with the rotten family members. If they can't see your worth now, they probably never will and it will be a source of frustration for the rest of your life.
You're young, and have the rest of your life ahead of you. It's time to shed the baggage and live the rest of your life to the fullest without seeking their approval.
I'm sure everyone here joins me in wishing you the best possible life.

 

[Christopher123]

JayHew and tallguy,

I read over your posts a couple of times to absorb all that you said. And you have no idea how much I appreciate it. The things everyone has said to me in this thread have helped me bigtime. This is like therapy or something

No, really, it is. I've realized quite a number of things since this thread was born, thanks to everyone who has responded to me.

It's funny, though, I dislike dishonesty. So I try to be as honest as I possibly can with everyone else. Why is that funny to me? Because I don't think I've been totally honest with myself. So that's sort of hypocritical of me, in a way. Why am I honest with everyone else but not with me? I can't really explain what I mean by that. It's just something I've been avoiding, afraid to look it in the eye, and now I think I might be able to do that because of the advice given to me here.

It wasn't easy writing all of this out, either. Because it makes me feel vulnerable. Like I'm leaving myself open to way too much and I'm always terrified of doing that. But at the same time I'm glad it came out because this is the first time I've EVER spilled these many beans to anyone about this, except for my brother. And here I am spilling it on an open forum. But the reason I did is because I know there are honest and caring people here who will listen to me. And believe me when I tell you that you've all made me realize quite a bit today. More than you know.

Thanks, everybody. I mean it when I say - I needed that.

 

[Christopher123]

Geez Chris, my childhood wasn't exactly Sunny Brook Farm, but it pales in comparison to yours.

I believe that most of us have been through our own personal hells. I'm really no exception. My life growing up wasn't the greatest, no, but I'm sure there are others who had it way worse than I did. Some kids are beaten or molested on a daily basis and NO child should have to go through that. I have friends that were molested for years and that can really screw up a kid's mind. I was supposedly molested by my uncle, but I don't remember it. I guess I chose to block it out. But my mother got up in the middle of the night one time and found him in bed with me.

I don't remember a damn thing about it. And maybe it's best.

But what about the kid's that do remember? How the hell can they walk around day after day knowing their own parent(s) or a friend or family member (most kids are molested by someone they know) touched them in a bad way when they were only a child? That's gotta hurt. That's gotta be some serious mental anguish. What happened to me is nothing compared to that.

Yes, emotional pain can be just as bad as physical pain. But when you beat or molest a child, you're causing both. And that's why I hate talking about myself and my problems because I feel so damned selfish. I really do. Any one of you would have the right to say, "Oh stop your whining and go on with life." Because there are those out there with worse problems than mine. But this I had to just get off my chest and I appreciate you all listening to me.

You're right about the rotten family thing. Screw them. I need to somehow just let this go, this thing with my dad. I need to figure out a way to just tell him goodbye forever, say "oh frickin well" to the b.s. he pulled and forget about it.

Easier said than done, I know - but I need to find a way to do it.

 

[luminum]

Well, you said that you don't talk to them, right? You only told people you associated with. So now people who you never interact with (most of the time) know and what can they really do? How can anything they do really affect you unless they feel so moved to fly over to where you are and pester you? And if they call, you can always hangup if the convo goes sour.

And at family gatherings, shake them off and go about your own business.

 

[JamieFL]

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. Not that I know you all that well, and not that it is probably any consolation, but it sounds like having gone through all of this has made you into a very strong person. Just remember, no matter what they say to you, they can't take that away from you. And if they try, they aren't even worth your time at all!

 

[Christopher123]

Well, you said that you don't talk to them, right? You only told people you associated with. So now people who you never interact with (most of the time) know and what can they really do? How can anything they do really affect you unless they feel so moved to fly over to where you are and pester you? And if they call, you can always hangup if the convo goes sour.

And at family gatherings, shake them off and go about your own business.

Yeah, you're right. I guess it was just the initial shock of these people knowing. Because I know how these people are. And all kinds of shit went through my mind. I'm going to have to tell my sister. Because I can hear her now - "What? Christopher, why in the world would you even bother telling them??? Why can't you just keep your lifestyle to yourself???"

So I'll have to tell her that I'm not the one who said anything before she lets me have it. See, my sister isn't crazy about me being gay. She thinks it's a sin

As far as the rest of my family goes, hopefully they'll just decide to never speak to me again. Which is fine with me because I don't care to associate with them anyway.

~sigh~

And people wonder why so many gay people are depressed.

 

[Christopher123]

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of this. Not that I know you all that well, and not that it is probably any consolation, but it sounds like having gone through all of this has made you into a very strong person. Just remember, no matter what they say to you, they can't take that away from you. And if they try, they aren't even worth your time at all!

Thank you

This thread has really helped me and I needed it. Because it's caused me to step back a little bit and realize quite a few things.

And I have you all to thank. Seriously. Thank you.

 

[Riverrick]

And people wonder why so many gay people are depressed.

Exactly.

........