Were upside down

[rodneysboy]

First post! awesome

anyway i just want some advice please
It seems much harder for men/boys what have you to communicate with their significant other.
Im having an extremely tough time dealing with the both of us cheating on each other.
I started it two years ago july 6th 2009 after our first cl encounter
i knew he was the man for me, we sparked and clicked and had mind blowing sex...he took my big dick ginity
"are you normally into older guys?"
"no not really" was my response little did he know that was just scratching the surface of the lies to come.
I lied while looking him in the eyes...ive cheated on him multiple times, soon he picked up on my games....and he started to do the same...
we both lied to each other i told him i wanted monogamy, yet i was still being a deviant. He told me that he was being good when he really wasn't
He was playing my games...and i had it coming...he warned me when it started.
We live in the same house so it makes things tough when im giving it my all to communicate and he doesn't want to give me anything
he is controlling to an extent and will do what he can to make an argument play in his favor by flipping it on me, but i need to be patient with him; this is what ive built.
im reading self help books, and getting my act together. In the past ive used my dick to make my decisions
and been stubborn to committing to making thoughts with my head. i have problems with consistency and sticking with a plan. There's only so many times i can say sorry or repeat myself.
and i feel like its getting redundant....We revisit in a month, for now hes going to play on grindr cl and a4a...and i just sit back and be anxious...i obsess over it.

I love him with all my heart and soul i feel like he completes me as a person. I feel like this isnt the end all be all, its just an obstacle to overcome.
How do i get through to him? How can i make our relationship work?
Thanks

 

[gingentleman]

People who really love each other and make a commitment, do not lie and do not cheat. Period. This sounds like much more than a lack of communication!

 

[HunterM]

It takes 2 to tango. The relationship will only work if BOTH of you want it to work. If only you want it to work and he doesn't, it's not going to work. Since you two cheated on each other on regular basis, I say therapy is needed for both of you if you want to stay in an exclusive committed relationship.

Or stay as fuck buddies in an open relationship.

And welcome to JUB!

 

[techie70]

Its hard to have a meaningful relationship when it's been based on lies. It seems like you realize this and that you're ready to make a change. Now you need to figure out if he is willing to stop the lies and if you two really have something that can be salvaged. Habits, especially bad ones, take time to change. So be prepared for this to take some time.

 

[rodneysboy]

Ive been reading the male couples guide and getting the love you want...ive been doing this all wrong and im completely inexperienced when it comes to communicating and being in a serious relationship..

Hes so mean to me all the time since this happened, he wont talk to me, and when we do he always ends up yelling at me. Im speaking from my heart when i tell him im hurting and i would be lost without him..Ive said things in the past where i havent committed to the things i was saying, and that makes it hard for him to believe anything im saying now

Were perfect compliments to each other...he keeps saying that everything we said to one another was bullshit things like "i love you" and "You are the only man/boy for me"
I dont see it like that, the things i said were true...my priorities when he would leave would change, that doesnt devalidate "I love you" does it?

 

[HunterM]

Love is not just a lip service. Love has to back up with actions. Love includes trust and respect.

At this stage of your relationship, you two don't trust each other anymore. There is absolutely no respect in the relationship either. When you guys do talk, it often ends up yelling.

Sure you can still love him. But he does not love you back.

Tell him you want to make this relationship work. Ask him if he wants to make it work. If he said no, then it is over. You need to move out and move on. Learn from this experience and from the male couples guide that you've been reading and apply it to your next relationship.

If he does want to work it out, you two need to see a therapist for guidance.

 

[techie70]

I don't think all that has happened necessarily negates the fact that you love him. Sometimes love isn't enough sadly to make something work which is just so hard sometimes.

Believe me - you have to learn how to communicate in a relationship. And you may have to learn how other people communicate. I think things got so messed up for you that there really was no way you were going to communicate successfully. So now you have to start over and it's a lot harder because of the lies.

I think you are going to have to show him that he can trust you. His trust will have to be earned. That you mean what you say. If you fall back into your old patterns even once I do not think you have much of a chance given his reactions.

And don't forget he lied and cheated too. You are both at fault so don't share all of the blame here. He needs to want to change his ways for you unless you are looking for an open relationship.

If you cannot tell him how you feel without an argument - write him a letter. If he still is resistant it may be time to move on. You'll have given it your best to try and salvage it and that's all you can do at this point.

 

[rodneysboy]

His big thing right now is his space, he doesnt want to have communication right now to work on it. Hes so wrapped up in everything ive done and being skeptical on trying again...Im not sure what i can say that i havent said already and have stuck with.

He knows im trying...and i know hes waiting for me to prove myself.

 

[HunterM]

Emotional and maturity level have a lot to do with it. How old are you? How old is he?

 

[rodneysboy]

im 22 and hes 40...
i know i am very immature

 

[techie70]

Well knowing is half the battle right? I think all you can do now is wait and see. Give him his space. And try to reflect on why you did the things you did. Not to feel guilty or take the blame but just why. That's how we learn not to make the same mistakes.

 

[rodneysboy]

i really need someone to talk to...im not a creeper, can someone please pm their phone numbers to me.

 

[rodneysboy]

i had a good conversation for 20 minutes with him...i feel like i finally got across to him to some extent...he didnt beat me down. I told him i can fix this. i wrote down quotes from this topic and read it to him.

Im also writing out my problems and ways to fix them, along with my willingness to commit to change.

he just left, for his space, he will be back on monday.

I feel good about talking to him.. i guess its something right?

 

[techie70]

i think that's a great first step. You communicated. It sounds like you prepared in advance what you wanted to say which always helps. Now comes the hard part - waiting. Just make sure this is a two sided effort. You may need to take the first few steps just make sure he takes them with you. If you get to a point where he also is willing to commit to making it work think about seeing a therapist together like Hunter suggested. They really can help.

 

[HunterM]

Call Dr. Phil

 

[rodneysboy]

Call Dr. Phil

anyone else?

 

[rodneysboy]

alright sorry to bump this...but.. i need some advice once again.
Im stupid and impatient, hey wont give me anything good, well we had sex the other day but i had to force it and he flesh jacked me this morning but thats besides the point.

I feel like i have to force everything on him or he wont listen to how important he is to me or how much i want to change. Hes so caught up in being bitter and mad at me and wanting to hook up i feel like most of my words fall on deaf ears.
Im continuing to read my books and keep a daily log to keep myself going. I let him use my car make his bed do everything for him still at the house, knowing that the second hes out of my view hes on grindr or a4a.

Ive willing accepted and acknowledged that im wrapped around his finger, and i feel like im completely on the back burner...all he says is he wants space and if i give him that, i assume that it will be the end of us.
Im trying to be positive and I know he wants me to be, but i feel like i treat him like a pawn and im some kind of pawn in his board game.
tell me JUB what do i do?

 

[TX-Beau]

...I'm speaking from my heart when i tell him im hurting and i would be lost without him..Ive said things in the past where i havent committed to the things i was saying, and that makes it hard for him to believe anything im saying now

(emphasis mine)

This is emotional blackmail. Don't do that. It's fine to discuss your feelings but making your stability a function of his staying is not O.K. Your life is yours, his is his, and this isn't working.

Were perfect compliments to each other

...he keeps saying that everything we said to one another was bullshit things like "i love you" and "You are the only man/boy for me"

I dont see it like that, the things i said were true...my priorities when he would leave would change, that doesnt devalidate "I love you" does it?

(emphasis mine)

1. You are obviously not "perfect compliments."

2. The underlined statement contradicts the first part.

3. If I'm reading that correctly, (please try to be clear in your posts, your grammar and phrasing is somewhat confusing - and we can't help, if we can't understand,) anyway if I'm reading that correctly, you cheat when he's gone? That does indeed devalue "I love you," from someone who wants monogamy.

You may think something you say is "true," but if you don't back that up with actions, like you say you want monogamy, but then you cheat, no matter what you think or "feel," the monogamy wasn't true, the cheating was. Consistency is part of this, but so is figuring out that sometimes "I'm sorry," isn't enough, and sometimes love isn't enough.

If your words don't match your actions, they're worthless to both of you, and they're not true no matter what you think you feel.

Walk, this is a mess, it's not going to get better, sometimes you just have to let go.

 

[altlover85]

"are you normally into older guys?"
"no not really" was my response little did he know that was just scratching the surface of the lies to come.
I lied while looking him in the eyes...ive cheated on him multiple times, soon he picked up on my games....and he started to do the same...

I read through the whole thread, but this part is what I wanted to comment on.

Why did you like to him about being (or not being) into older guys? Were you nervous or what?

Clearly he's not without blame here as some people would have headed for the hills once you'd lied multiple times and cheated instead of doing the same back to you.

My first relationship had a lot of drama and I wish I'd ended it way before it finally ended. It took a lot of the energy that I should have been putting into other things.

To me it sounds like you really need to continue to work on yourself as a single man. Unless you like drama, I would end this relationship, if I were you.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

 

[Seasoned]

No one that loves you seeks unending revenge.