Were upside down

[2untru]

love is like train tracks, if you can't out run the train then sometimes you have to step to the side before the train hits you.

really, for a relationship to work, someone has to use common sense (preferably both parties). you have an idea of what is going to happen and you know the right thing to do. no comment in these forums can tell you about the relationship you two share. so if you think it can work, then talk to your man and find a way to make it work. otherwise there's no point in holding on to someone who has already let go. life is long and you don't want to live to much of it regretting not taking action.

(don't hurt yourself btw, physically or emotionally. thought I'd mention that)

 

[rodneysboy]

Sorry for the delay, and ill try to type more eloquently

Last few days have been rough, a weekish ago we were partying and had this intense deep communication on a level i haven't felt with with him in a long time. It went on about our future and our feelings, and i genuinely felt like we were communicating like adults. It all seemed to be ok, but i knew it wouldn't last and next day it would be lost again.

For valentines he had yesterday off and i just wanted it to be us aka no grindr no chats no nothing just US, he said he could do it. Ive expressed to him i have severe anxiety whenever im not in the room with him because im worried he'll be on grindr once again. But still i trusted his word. We go to the gym and hours go by, as were winding down i unlock his phone (that he didnt know i got the password for)
and hes been chatting via text with a trick all day, and that just sets me off. Im hurt and i express that to him, and he seems sincerely sorry, eh maybe tomorrow can be better..

Psyche. Another quiet day for me and were at the gym and hes laying into me that im too much im too pushy. When all i really want is too communicate and im not really trying to set anything in stone.

Hes told me in his past relationship it was easy for him and his ex to get into a parent-child dynamic...and it applies everyday to us. He can manipulate my words from his podium, and make you convince yourself that you are wrong. and i willingly let it happen. Im not the kind of guy to just take BS like this but for him i would. a sick part of my wants to give him his power and i know its not healthy.

ive realized my mistakes, am fixing them, doing all the work with the writing, reading and daily logging and all the little nice gestures i do for him (surprise flowers in his car, breakfast in bed, lunch for work, etc) to show him i care
and all he cares about it seems is hooking up, on grindr, a4a
and the plethora of apps on his phone. Isnt that messed up at all and completely lacking of compassion?
He has all these exits that ive been reading about to avoid our situation (I want to sleep alone, "no were done with this conversation"), this is OUR situation not just one sided, so quit avoiding it! hes so selfish right now i have no idea how to get across to him. How do i get him to see me without shooting a roman candle out of my ass?

 

[altlover85]

You need to end the relationship. Clearly he doesn't care about you anymore.

 

[rodneysboy]

basically he is a controller, he defines my reality, puts me down, and puts himself on a pedestal

 

[TX-Beau]

If you're cheating on him multiple times, and lying to him, obviously he doesn't control you.

This isn't working. Walk. If you won't walk, that's a choice YOU make.

 

[rodneysboy]

i wont walk, i know its stupid... he does control me let me explain
the "parent" can be emasculating at times and cause the "child" to harbour resentment the "child" in turn can be rebellious immature passive aggressive and irresponsible. In many cases the controlling partner will not accept that he or she is behaving in any way out of the ordinary.

He does control me, before this if anything wasnt to his standards hed be pissed even if i got it done, and it wasnt done his way hed be mad. and this was a weekly thing. i never felt like he was open about his past. im learning more about him and why he is this way and how his brain operates

I brought up to him tonight via text about me reading him some things that ive learned about abusive and controlling relationships and the parent child dynamics. He said hed be interested so i guess thats something.

 

[techie70]

It's been over two weeks since your original post. Has anything changed for the better? Is he making a substantial effort? Maybe some time apart will help put things in better perspective. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship necessarily but might help you figure out if he's interested in making anything work. If he is not you owe it to yourself to move on and to try and be happy.

 

[TX-Beau]

i wont walk, i know its stupid... he does control me let me explain
the "parent" can be emasculating at times and cause the "child" to harbour resentment the "child" in turn can be rebellious immature passive aggressive and irresponsible. In many cases the controlling partner will not accept that he or she is behaving in any way out of the ordinary.

He does control me, before this if anything wasnt to his standards hed be pissed even if i got it done, and it wasnt done his way hed be mad. and this was a weekly thing. i never felt like he was open about his past. im learning more about him and why he is this way and how his brain operates

I brought up to him tonight via text about me reading him some things that ive learned about abusive and controlling relationships and the parent child dynamics. He said hed be interested so i guess thats something.

Yeah, I'm pretty blunt, but even I'm not usually this blunt. Fuck that pop psychology shit, he's not the problem, no matter what his issues, your problem is yourself. Until you take responsibility for the choices you make you won't get anywhere. Nor am I convinced that you have ANY intention of changing things. I think you like the relationship you're in because it gives you drama.

Do you really want a resolution? What are you willing to do to get one?

 

[HunterM]

Based on what you have written about your relationship so far, the situation is not getting better. You said he's controlling you. You also let him control you. You enable him to control you. If you put your hand on a burning stove, you will get burn. If you keep coming back to put your hand on a burning stove, you will keep getting burn. Don't put your hand on a burning stove if you don't want to get burn. Unless you truly like the drama (as stated from a previous poster), wake up and walk away.

You have two options:
1. Walk away. Learn from this experience to be responsible and be accountable on your next relationship.

2. You both need to see a professional therapist for help if you want to fix this. You CAN'T fix this disfunctional relationship yourself. You don't have the experience or expertise to fix this.

 

[rodneysboy]

progress today, i got him to read the article on abuse and control and he opened up a little, maybe theres hope yet

 

[altlover85]

I think TX-Beau andHunterM make some good points.

As someone that used to be in a relationship filled with drama, I found that it was highly toxic and even though I learned something from it, I'm glad that I moved on. If anything, I wish I'd left sooner.

As a side note, I hate Getting The Love You Want. It seemed to say that your parents were responsible for everything and linked a lot of things to trauma and negativity.

I've found The Male Couples Guide to be useful and practical. Unfortunately it hasn't been updated in over a decade.

 

[HunterM]

progress today, i got him to read the article on abuse and control and he opened up a little, maybe theres hope yet

Don't count on it. Walk away.

 

[rodneysboy]

Last night we talked like adults, it was a refreshing change and he opened up a little bit. I explained to him i only know anger and happiness from him, his poker face (which hes had for 20+ years) keeps his sadness locked down. I think hes slowly recognizing that i want this to work. Im so focused on controlling my insecurities that i end up trying to control him and it's important that i recognize that to avoid us getting caught in the power struggle.

As far as the hooking up thing goes, that anxiety comes and goes, i try to not delve into the thought too much. Day by day is the smart thing in this situation, he just needs to know when too much is too much and that he cant put me down and discount my feelings because what hes doing is ok in his world. progress

 

[silosybin]

Can you explain exactly why you want to continue the relationship? Basically the only positive things you've said about him were in this line:
"i knew he was the man for me, we sparked and clicked and had mind blowing sex...he took my big dick ginity " And even there, you didn't really explain why you like him, except that you had great sex. The rest of your posts have basically been about how you two lie, cheat, fight, and don't communicate well.

Nobody here can figure out why you want the relationship to continue, so it's kind of hard to offer advice in that direction.

 

[rodneysboy]

we share the same passions in life, we enjoy motivating each other to get things done, we like to garden and travel, he likes the younger guys (me) and i like the older...these are traits i can find in anyone but we just clicked..and thats a hard thing to find and im too stubborn to let him go after all weve been through... almost two years now... and we bought a house together..

He told me last night he was being selfish and for some reason it was the biggest let down and disappointment ive ever heard from him. Im doing all this work and showing him i care, and i still keep getting shit on. It told me he doesnt want to change the dynamic.

He doesnt really care about how i feel. Im going to tell him when he gets home that what he's doing isn't right to me. One of the things i found attractive to him was his compassion and caring towards me. Now that i dont see that in him anymore...I need to not beat around the bush and be so passive and let him walk on me.

I will say "I don't like to feel like im leaving you in the dust with changing my problems, you are lazy and inconsiderate to change yourself, im at a new direction in my life and i want you to be there with me...but if you don't want to change and keep walking on me, then i don't think this is going to work."

right step or no?

 

[altlover85]

we share the same passions in life, we enjoy motivating each other to get things done, we like to garden and travel, he likes the younger guys (me) and i like the older...these are traits i can find in anyone but we just clicked..and thats a hard thing to find and im too stubborn to let him go after all weve been through... almost two years now... and we bought a house together..

I will say "I don't like to feel like im leaving you in the dust with changing my problems, you are lazy and inconsiderate to change yourself, im at a new direction in my life and i want you to be there with me...but if you don't want to change and keep walking on me, then i don't think this is going to work."

right step or no?

Yes, it's the right step.

Why did you buy a house with him when you haven't even hit the two year mark yet and there's been a fair amount of drama in a relatively short time?