Were you ever kicked out by your parents for being gay?

[CShields]

And did they ever try to contact you years later? I've never been, but a buddy of mine was and I just came back from visiting him and he told me the whole sad story.

He was basically kicked out by his super religious parents when they found out he was gay, so he packed his stuff and never looked back. He's held a grudge against them ever since. It hasn't hindered his ability to go forward in life, he went college, got a good paying job, met a man who he is still with to this very day. Life has been good for him, but he's really bitter if anyone dared say the 'm' or 'd' words (mom and dad) to him. Recently his parents found him and tried to make 'amends' with him. They still aren't crazy about his 'lifestyle choice' (their words apparently, not mine) but they said they miss not having their only child around to talk to. He basically told them that was their own fault and now they'd have to live with out him in their lives, because he doesn't want them in his life if they could turn their backs on him so easily.

I see his POV but...they did come all this way to make amends with him. Usually when someone gives me a sincere apology I'm good at forgiving them, but then I was never hurt as badly as he was so I guess I wouldn't understand? Anyone here ever been in this same situation where your parents kicked you out and then came crawling back begging for forgiveness? If so, do you think my friend has made the right decision to just shun them from his life?

 

[Rolyo85]

I would imagine it depends entirely upon the way they went about their "amends". I mean, you describe it as "hey, you're still a filthy faggot, but we're bored, so yeah..." which doesn't really cut it. There is no higher form of treason than a parent abandoning his child, and even though he might be harboring resentment that could potentially hurt him down the line, I wouldn't really forgive them either.

 

[Seasoned]

It would need to be more than an apology which included an excuse for their behavior.

 

[sixthson]

To me the reason they did what they did doesn't matter. How do you turn your back on your child? How do you abandon your son?

I believe in forgiveness and redemption, but it sounds like their reason for reconnecting is a selfish one. Did it ever enter their minds how difficult they made life for their son by their rejection?

Should he choose to forgive them, he should consider it a gift and not something they deserve.

I was not kicked out because I was 21 when they found out and living independently, but I have no doubt I would have been had they known earlier. I would say this, however--for all my parents' bad parenting, they needed lots of forgiveness. I'm glad I gave it to them.

 

[jaysizzles]

His parents were products of their own conservative upbringing and religious beliefs...ignorant and brainwashed into believing that homosexuality is immoral and wrong. Rejection of the act and their child is what they were taught to do. Unfortunately, so many feel this way still today, although times have changed and acceptance and tolerance is greatly improving...still a long way to go.

They made a decision at the time that they thought was what they needed to do to stand by their (misguided) convictions...now it seems they regret it or have somewhat changed their views, for whatever reason. They've extended an olive branch, which could not have been easy for them to do. Unless they are truly horrible people, I think he should at least meet them part way....hear what they have to say and see if there is any way to find some common ground...understanding and acceptance of his being gay. I'm not one to say 'one strike and you're out', although they pitched him an extremely severe strike, it's just that I think people do need to be allowed the chance to redeem themselves. He certainly doesn't need to forget or forgive them, although I think forgiving them will be extremely freeing for his sake...letting go of all anger, resentment and "grudge" is healthy for life in general.

edit to add...My family is extremely accepting of me and others in my family that are gay...surprising considering my Catholic upbringing. I have a very close family...probably why I'm a proponent for any attempt on your friend's part to salvage whatever kind of relationship with his family that he can.

 

[palemale]

Who can say what he should do? He lived with his parents, not any of us. I can't imagine my parents ever doing something like that under any circumstances. Many parents do not forsake their children, even when they commit heinous crimes. Their superstitious beliefs were more important to them than their child. Actions have consequences. They should take comfort in the knowledge that their child has become a happy, successful adult, even though they'll never see him again. Other parents, who did what your friend's parents did, may have to live with the fear that their kid, after they kicked him out, committed suicide, or turned to prostitution, or got murdered, or whatever, because they rejected him.

 

[palbert]

.... they did come all this way to make amends with him. ....

I have trouble understanding the bolded sections.

Did the parents travel a great distance or have they had a spiritual epiphany? Just what is "all this way?" Always taking the jaundiced view, I wonder if they need financial assistance.

What type of "amends" are being talked about? I would need more than glib and grudging "forgiveness" for my being gay.

I would think they should find forgiveness within their spiritual construct.

I would entertain meeting but little more without their abject recognition of derelictionof parental duty.

 

[eastofeden]

I divorced both of my parents ...they had no problem with me being gay but they were abusive fucks and I gave them every chance to stop the toxic crap before I closed the door.

I have forgiven both of them...and myself..but forgiveness isn;'t really 'for' other person...it is for you.

In my opinion...you get your identity from your parents until you are able to emerge as a separate entity. Parents have a huge influence in determining things like self worth and a lack of self worth can cause someone alot of problems and your friend seems to have avoided the usual pitfalls so why bring a potentially destructive force back into his life?

The apology from your friends parents doesn't seem like an apology at all. I think it sounds really selfish on their part.

I think he should do what he feels is right for him.

 

[Rolyo85]

I do not accept upbringing as an excuse to abandon your child. MANY religious and ultra conservative people struggle or flat out refuse to accept their child's alternative sexuality, yet they don't abandon it. To me abandoning/disowning your kid is a pathology.

 

[rareboy]

And did they ever try to contact you years later? I've never been, but a buddy of mine was and I just came back from visiting him and he told me the whole sad story.

He was basically kicked out by his super religious parents when they found out he was gay, so he packed his stuff and never looked back. He's held a grudge against them ever since. It hasn't hindered his ability to go forward in life, he went college, got a good paying job, met a man who he is still with to this very day. Life has been good for him, but he's really bitter if anyone dared say the 'm' or 'd' words (mom and dad) to him. Recently his parents found him and tried to make 'amends' with him. They still aren't crazy about his 'lifestyle choice' (their words apparently, not mine) but they said they miss not having their only child around to talk to. He basically told them that was their own fault and now they'd have to live with out him in their lives, because he doesn't want them in his life if they could turn their backs on him so easily.

I see his POV but...they did come all this way to make amends with him. Usually when someone gives me a sincere apology I'm good at forgiving them, but then I was never hurt as badly as he was so I guess I wouldn't understand? Anyone here ever been in this same situation where your parents kicked you out and then came crawling back begging for forgiveness? If so, do you think my friend has made the right decision to just shun them from his life?

Forgiveness is the scent of a violet on the heel that crushed it.

They actually don't deserve forgiveness. At all.

But he does. For himself. He needs to tell them that he forgives them for their ignorance and hate...but he still does not need to have them in his life.

If it were me......

I'd actually stand over them while they are sucking their last tortured final breath and tell them that they are going to die unforgiven. Just to see the pain in their eyes.

 

[NYClover54]

I don't know what my parents would do if they found out but I'm not looking to find out anytime soon. I'm just going to tell them when I'm financially independent because to tell you the truth they keep telling me go get a girlfriend or find a girlfriend. They also are taking it to far like a couple of weeks ago me and my family were watching an old movie and a guy laid one on a girl and my father said that wouldn't it be nice if I could lay one on a girl. I think they know something is up but they just are in denial especially my father. I've been dating a guy now for over a year now. We go to the same college away from our homes so it's not like it's a problem with us. His parents don't know either btw. We're out to everyone in school so life is good there because we don't have to hind anything. My parents met my boyfriend but they think that he's my friend only. So I'm still going to wait.

 

[IAMTHATIAM]

No.

They have their faults as all human beings do, but NEVER THAT.

I was spared that madness.

I was lucky.

I wish they where more, but am greatful that they are WHO THEY ARE.

 

[palemale]

The Huffington Post has an article today suggesting that as many as 40% of homeless youth are LGBT. Many are homeless because their families kicked them out of the house when they came out.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/04/homeless-lgbt-youth_n_2411884.html

Perhaps the OP's friend's bitterness also reflects the difficult, even life threatening, situation his parents' actions placed him in.