what a mess i've made.....

[houtx20s]

met this guy in a bar - went to hotel and had sex - he video taped the event without me knowing - left and then called telling me a few hours later to send $10,000 or he would send to my wife and call her as he somehow managed to get a look at my ID and suspect the internet gave him the rest. I told him i can't do the money thing and not sure where things stand right now. (his father cheated on his mother and after she died married within 3 months he indicated on the ransom call)

i'm such a fool - how stupid am i to screw up the innocdent life of my family. what do i say when my wife confronts me - i've always struggled to surpress the desire to want to mess around with a guy and now this pretty much is going to exlpode and i'm just sad, really sad. my stomach in notes and near physical sickness. ok i've lived a lie in not being open about those feelings but i do love my wife, she is my best friend, and i just ache at how much I just hurt her. its just awful.

what do i say ....

 

[star-warrior]

I'm going to move this to the Coming Out, Relationships and Bi-Sex talk, as it is a no-flame-zone.


Unfortunately you don't have any proof that he has the video, and it could just be opportunistic. But, if it was true, then you have a problem if engaging in m2m sex is illegal where you are, and whatever that entails.

Since the threat may be plausible, you need to tell your spouse about you proclivities and that because you acted out those desires, you now have the consequences of blackmail.

Blackmail may carry on for years after the initial event, and the only way you can resolve it is for the person threatening you to be arrested. He's phoned you up, so I assume you have his number and failing that, you still have his on-line username and website you found him on. Get a legal assistance, and think of reporting him to the police with all the details you can gather.

Its no consolation to you right now, but I wish you a good outcome out of this bad situation.

 

[rareboy]

Tell your wife. Live with the consequences. Call the guy's bluff and let him send the tape.

And in the future, don't cheat on your wife.

 

[racer2438]

Oh cheater's, you step in your own mud hole and then expect to get away with it. If it is true then I would report to the police and they can help set up a sting to catch the guy , but you will need proof by recorded voice threats.

Your only choice is to be honest now, cus anything you say now will be taken as truth or a lie so it's up to you. As this will get out as she may well tell all her friends and family and your to .You did not look at that picture did.
And then you will have to tell your wife, and let the chips fall were they fall.

Next time you will think with your brain and not your dick head.

Once a cheater always a cheater..

good luck.

 

[Elwood]

I would go to the police, chances are your wife is going to find out, so at least stop this guy from doing it to someone else. I hope you are going to learn something from this??

 

[Horschallen]

Call your attorney and/or a private investigator to find him and see if it is true or not. If it is true, your attorney will know what your options are.

 

[Spiff]

I'm just curious how he video taped this at a hotel without you knowing. Did he already have the room registered when you went there to have sex? If so, then let this also be another lesson to not go to a hotel for hookups with a stranger unless you are registering a room together. If not, then someone just needs to pay more attention; how could you not notice him setting up a camera? Or this could all be BS.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm just curious how he video taped this at a hotel without you knowing. Did he already have the room registered when you went there to have sex? If so, then let this also be another lesson to not go to a hotel for hookups with a stranger unless you are registering a room together. If not, then someone just needs to pay more attention; how could you not notice him setting up a camera? Or this could all be BS.

(emphasis mine)

Yeah that kinda sent up a flag for me too - you meet a random guy at a bar, and he already has a sting operation set up at the hotel?

I suppose it's possible that the guy was looking to pick up closeted married men, but then how would he know who to pick up, was the married guy talking about his wife and his closet while out trolling for guys? Was he showing the guys at the bar the pics of his kids? How did the blackmailer get enough information about this guy to make him a likely mark?

'Cause I gotta say, if the blackmailer is just picking up a lot of guys in the bar in the hopes that some closet case with enough cash to pay up falls into his net, he's going to blow all his extorted cash on hotel rooms in the mean time.

Seems like a strange kind of scam.

...anxiously awaiting the next chapter...

 

[bankside]

I wonder if you would have felt foolish and stupid without the video.

Anyway.

There are several bad options. At this point I think it is up to you to pick the option that creates the least grief for your wife, and I think that option is for you to tell her before you spend another night together that you may not be straight.

Tell her
1) that your sexuality is up in the air and she needs to know, and
2) you're sorry you didn't realize it before you got married, and
3) you're willing to have a separation to give her and you both time to think, and
4) even though you still might hope for a future together, you realize you can't expect her to wait for you to figure things out. The ball is in her court if she wants to move on now.

I'm trying to imagine every other option that might come to your mind, every option from clever and crafty, to the worst option of grim despair. None of them accomplish the goal of leaving the least amount of hurt for your family except that one.

Next, blackmail is against the law. You have been the victim of a crime. I would suggest you contact a lawyer before going to the police and ask about the process and your rights and privacy.

Finally, you are who you are. Don't apologize for it. Apologize for not knowing yourself before. Apologize to her for not knowing before you made a commitment to her. All you can do now that you know yourself a bit better is to put things right. Struggling to suppress your desire is a sham. You're supposed to desire the person you are with. Suppressing it goes against all that is good in a relationship.

That kind desire you felt at the bar is something your wife should see in the eyes of the man across from her.

Trouble is, you may not be the right man to feel that way for her. It is not your failing, it is just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fake desire is no accomplishment. If it is missing from your relationship with her, do not let either of you remain stuck together in a hollow bond. If you are not that man, give her the freedom to find him, because you care for her.

I would not tell her about this blackmail situation now. The least you can give her is freedom. With a little luck you may be able to offer her more, later. Like the opportunity to know how ashamed you feel about not doing things the right way. But before she would ever believe the shame you feel about the situation you created with this guy in a hotel, I think you need to show her some honesty about who you are first, . The only way I can see for you to do that is to tell her.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

You are assuming a lot here.....that he has your ID and that he actually did a video.

Hopefully you don't give any information away - but I would call his bluff - let him go to your wife. I seriously doubt he would and then make him look like a nut job - because he's going to have to get her the video.

I got conned on a phone call one time and when we disconnected, he couldn't even call back. I was pissed cuz I got so nervous I just did what he said.

Also, if he does go all the way - turn him into the cops and tell him you will as well. You might lose your wife, but he's going to jail!

 

[aijalon18]

This sounds like total fiction.

 

[houtx20s]

Wedding ring worn at bar in being honest I suspect made me a target.

We went to the hot tub at the pool (my idea) and he got the gym bag from the car which I was at the car with him and he put what was claimed to deo, comb and such (overnight bag) - (obviously now a video camara) - set on table in room. I know, looking back, just stupid.

He saw my Id to grab enough data to then on internet get everything on me (found a flaw with facebook profiles in friend find)

His father cheated on his mother who died and remarried 3 months after her death - he doesn't want me to do this kind of stuff to my family - he still has issues with that himself.

Didn't think the illegal aspect of blackmail. Great - so if I do pay -- when does it stop, will he still tell her, suspect I'm part of the blackmail.

There is no emotion in the guy thing. I have great passion for my wife. I've really never had emotional draw just sexual draw to getting off. Quick and easy no strings ..... at least to this point.

You know, if I do put the cards on the table, after all the grief, humility, embarasement, and far cry chance she may still accept me, it would be nice to have her to talk to and work through this rather than doing it alone.

SO WHERE ARE WE
I negotiated down to $3K with him yesterday but couldn't get cards and finances to work. he wants it it money in a minute, western union. Because I didn't get it to him yesterday, he now wants $3,500 and I'm inclined to tell him I plan to tell my wife and come clean or he can take $3K tomorrow and mail me (as he said he would) the video to a PO BOX address.

If I tell my wife, it will be tomorrow when we can be alone. Add to this mess.....kids..... they will be at school.

Church never hit home in meaning as it did this morning. I am so scared and just so sad and its because of the pain I'm about to give others....all because of me. Such great pain, dishonesty and hurt all because of me. No one deserves that.

 

[ericwhitney]

practically speaking - never pay blackmail money if you don't have an ironclad way to enforce the deal. which is not so easy for a regular joe to figure out on his own.

emotionally speaking - talk to your wife.

 

[TX-Beau]

So....

He's blackmailing you as some kind of altruism? To stop you from doing to someone else what his dad did to his mom, but he's OK with taking the money putting food in their mouths?

Hmmmmm.

Plus you're going to pay him, and then what, that's just the end? He's not going to come back for more? No, they never do that.

You didn't think that blackmail was illegal? Or is it that you're just to much of a closet case to admit this to anyone?

Well, there's your problem. You went out an picked up a guy in a bar, cheated on your wife, now he's scamming you and you're going to pay up, because you're in the closet.

If you weren't, you wouldn't be here would you. But your solution seems to be, not to make yourself invulnerable by stopping the lies you're telling, but negotiate to pay a guy who's gonna come back for more again and again - because you're showing him that you can be had, again and again, because you're in the closet. Why are you even talking to him? Because you're in the closet.

Still not convinced this is on the level. I find it suspect that he's giving you back story, motivations, and emotional justifications. The whole - "My daddy did this too" is a bit pat and convenient - a blackmailer's motivation is money, not justice - which would apply to you how in any event, why would he care to present you with a motive in the first place, and even if you were wearing a ring in the bar that doesn't mean that a. you're married to a woman, b. that she doesn't know, c. that you have any money to pay the guy.

 

[TX-Beau]

You do realize that he has to have a valid ID to pick up anything at Western Union, and they always are taping you. So he's gonna get his big old mug all up in the camera, and get himself caught.

Not a very good blackmailer in my opinion. I mean really, what kind of blackmailer asks for cash in such an easily traceable form?

Unless in the course of those emotional conversations about his daddy, he figured out that you are so scared of being outed that he could ask for a personal check and be just peachy.


...And now for chapter three...

 

[alley]

Well...


Was the sex at least REALLY good???

 

[houtx20s]

I can agree I'm so far in the closet I can't even see the door.

I didn't get the blackmailing piece I suspect because I was so more concerned with the closet door staying closed and doing everything I can but then a part of me just so wants my wife to accept me for me (in time I guess after I crush her with my lies) and why I want to tell her.

In looking around, blackmailing is illegal and a crime which we all know now and that my payment for Chris (the guys name) to not reveal what happened and sending me the video can’t be legally enforced but what I can do is sue him for accepting the money and damages he causes if he reveals the secret. The case can somewhat lead to extortion which is a class “D” felony.

Wonder if I told him that and that I would pay him $3K tomorrow and to just go away. Yes, I still have an issue at hand that I do need help with. This seems to be the catalist for me to do something about it. Or do I just do something about it now and use the $3K on marriage counslors.

I am in Kansas and he is in Texas where I was on business trip.

If I go down the path of telling my wife. . . should I comment on the blackmail or is that too honest showing it was the only reason this "stopped" ... as opposed to just telling her what happened. One post said no and I'm not sure.

I guess I don't get the tape back. Wish I was smart and had the phone fowarded to some girl he could have just told and felt good about himself.

By the way - I've read so many posts on here and it was the first place I thought of coming to as other posts seem to hlep others. thanks.



So - I’m willing to pay you $3000 tomorrow when I can withdraw it from the checking account and have the cash to send to you via Western Union. You send me the video tomorrow to a PO BOX and we are done forever. Agree.

 

[palemale]

Has he presented you with any proof that he has a video? I would not pay him any money, because it will not end. I especially would not pay him without proof he has a video. I assume he used a digital camera (if he in fact is telling the truth about the video). Have him email you a copy of the video and conduct the negotiations via email. If he does not email you the video, I would assume that he is lying. Whether or not he emails a video, tell him you already told your wife and are working things out (whether or not that is true) and that if he contacts you again you will go to the police. By the way, if he dig video tape you, the quality may be so bad that your face and body may not be recognizable. Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, there’s nothing we can do to help you, we aren’t law enforcement, and your choices have already been outlined. To wit:

1. Tell your wife, go to the cops and deal with the consequences.

Being honest with your wife means being honest. "This" didn't "stop," because of the blackmail, you're just terrified of getting caught, for something you did, that you're in the closet about, that has nothing whatsoever to do with blackmail, and if your gayness was so strong that you're cheating on your wife on business trips, it's not going away.


2. Ignore it, hope that it goes away and deal with the consequences.

Maybe he's a loon? Maybe he's lying? Are you a betting man?


3. Pay up, hope he won’t come back for more and deal with the consequences.

There's no way that once you've become the cash cow, that he's going to relinquish the goad.


Your choice. We all feel very sorry for you. Personally though, I feel sorrier for your wife.

 

[Audio Tech]

This won't end well. You pay $3000 and now he knows he can get more from you whenever he feels like it. But it's your life. Blackmail NEVER ends well. In the long run, you ARE better off calling his bluff.

Eh.... let us know when the next payment is due.