What advice would you give to a semi-closeted timid gay man in his mid-30s?

[JustMe5]

I'm 35, and unfortunately I live at home with my parents. However, I'm hispanic (in hispanic culture it's not considered a big deal if you're in your 30s and live with your parents). I happen to be gay, and I've pretty much always known it. I'm not out to my parents though (they happen to be devout Catholics).
I don't live a double life. I don't date women at all. I simply don't talk about my personal life with my parents. Whether or not they suspect I'm gay is anybody's guess. I am out to a female cousin, and I have a few gay acquaintances. No close friends though.
So you ask why am I living at home at my age and have no close friends? Well, it's because I suffer from a double whammy of depression and social phobia. I don't see a therapist because I can't afford to see one. So I live an un-medicated existence. And as you can imagine, it's not easy. Part of being depressed includes having very little motivation to do things.
As far as work goes, I've had mainly odd jobs and part-time work over the years. I'm currently unemployed because I left my most recent job. But I do have some small savings. I did attend college when I was in my 20s, but I never found work in what I majored in.
Not having a job at the moment is the least of my concerns, as I have an acquaintance who can probably find me a job at the place where he works. What IS my major concern at the moment is that I have no close friends (only acquaintances, most of whom are much older than me) and feel VERY lonely. Weekends ironically are the loneliest times for me, because I can't think of where to go on weekend nights, and I don't have anyone to go out with. I've thought of possibly going to a gay club sometime in the near future. But I think I would feel weird being there alone, especially at my age.

And if you're wondering, no I'm NOT the type of introverted person who has never been to a club, etc. I've been to clubs a lot of times, mainly when I was in my 20s. I went to gay clubs occasionally, but never had the courage to approach anyone, nor was I approached by anyone.

But now I'm in my mid-30s and I feel lonely as hell, and I feel like life is passing me by. Is there a place to meet gay people, other than a club?
And what advice can you give me?

 

[Seasoned]

I don't know where you live, but I would look for two things immediately, a gay help line and a sliding fee scale mental health clinic. A lot of you problem, it seems to me, stems from depression. Untreated, it can get worse. Check out the resources in your community.

 

[lonnie1]

I totally agree with the comments above. Where do you live?

 

[hylas]

woah, this isnt something a forum can solve. get that job, and get therapy. the "gay thing" will probably solve itself once you get a grip on your depression and social issues. because you dont seem to be self-loathing, so thats already very good.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

It's true that you're not living a double life, but it appears you accomplished this by not living much a life at all. Most people in their 30s usually have their life set up and running.

They often are married or partnered.
They're probably moving along in the career of their choice.
They have a group of friends they share common interests with.
They have various non-employment activities to occupy their time - volunteer work, sporting events, hobbies.

Mind you, none of these are requirements. You don't have to get married or have a career-oriented job in order to live a good life. But your current spot - back home with the parents, not much savings, no job, nothing on the social calendar - looks like somebody who just graduated from college. The feeling that "life is passing you by" may be because, well, life is passing you by.

So what do you do? I'd say since money isn't a majorly pressing issue, I wouldn't work on the job/career/living arrangement thing just yet. Instead, work on the social side. Do some digging. Do a Google search for "(your city) (activity)", and see if there's some groups in your area you might want to get involved with. Bowling league? Biking? Baseball fans? Martial arts? Visiting museums? See what you come up with. I'd also suggest doing a second search for "gay (your city) (activity)". Because you've been letting your sexuality ossify, and that ain't fun. So see if there's a gay bowling league or something in your area you might join. The more gays you come in contact with, the better your chances of something happening.

The posters above have suggested therapy. I don't think that's a bad idea, but then again, I don't get the immediate impression that you're clinically depressed. I just get the feeling that you're unhappy with where you're at right now, and I think if you make some positive steps away from there, you'll feel better. If not, definitely look into therapy.

Lex

 

[befblo]

JustMe5

Your description of social phobia would sure make it harder to go out and connect. You also speak of your experience of depression and that your lack of employment means no access to counselling. Well, you have access to a computer and there are some things you can do on-line that may help. For example, there is an Australian site - google 'MindGym' (JUB wont let me post the URL) which is a free site (hosted by the Australian National University) which helps people work against depression. Also there has been some recent research to show that on-line counselling (online cognitive behavioural therapy) can be just as effective as face to face counselling (for a range of mental health issues) and there are (here in Oz) some free services. The best thing about this research finding was that it would really help people who were isolated - socially or geographically or financially. Perhaps there is a free online service you can access where you are. Best wishes.

 

[JustMe5]

Just wanted to say to all of you who replied, thanks so much for your suggestions and for the information you provided.

 

[rareboy]

I don't see a therapist because I can't afford to see one. So I live an un-medicated existence. And as you can imagine, it's not easy. Part of being depressed includes having very little motivation to do things.

There must be some way you can access counselling through a mental health centre in your area.

You also should be able to get support through your family doc or your local parish priest to get access to professional care for your depression.

One of the signs of depression is a feeling of hopelessness. Don't give in to that. Fight back. Just like you're doing by posting here only moreso.

A few things in the interim.

Get exercise. Go for walks. Or bikerides.

Move your computer out of your bedroom. Only use your bedroom to sleep.

I don't know your diet, but lower the salt intake, no msg (which is in almost all prepared foods), no more High fructose corn syrup which can cause mood spikes and crashes, Take B12, eat toms of fresh fruit and vegetables.

This isn't going to cure depression which is likely caused by a genetic neuro-chemical dysfunction as anything else.
For that you likely need a mild SRI for at least a period of time.

Coming out as a gay man should free you from some of the anxiety you feel.

If you can, try to find a group to join to do volunteer work that doesn't require intensive socialization. Maybe with animals or the elderly.

Get out there. We need you.

 

[JustMe5]

Thank you rareboy for all those tips.