What Am I Doing Wrong?

[mc1911]

OK. Been floating around here on and off for months, but haven't posted anything. I would very much appreciate some advice from your collective pool of wisdom.

I am 34 and have been out since I was 24, but I have never had voluntary sexual intercourse with a male. I was raised in a religious environment and was originally intending to join the priesthood and spend the rest of my life in celibacy. I am beginning to wonder if I should have stuck with that.

I have had offers for sex from both males and females, but I have this stupid ethical hang up which means I want to have some sort of emotional connection to the person before I jump into bed. I have had women who have been prepared to wait around forever on the off-chance that I might convert. However, I am yet to meet a gay male who is willing to do so. They all want a roll in the proverbial hay, but none of them want to even consider getting emotionally attached until they have "checked out the goods".

Because of my background (I was abused as a child and raped as a young adult), I am not inclined to bend my rule, no matter how physically attracted I might be to the person concerned. My second problem is that everyone I know has told me they "never would have guessed" that I was gay until I told them, which probably means I miss out on all the nice shy boys and get all the aggressive hornbags. My gaydar was clearly not installed properly either, cause none of the guys that I have actually sought after have turned out to be inclined.

But here I am - still a technical virgin in my mid-30's - and I am beginning to wonder how much longer I have to rely on self-satisfaction. Any pointers on what I can do to fix the situation?

 

[confusedboy23]

I am sorry to hear of your past.

But you do come across as a very strong and determinned person and I'm sure you are dealing with it as best as you can.

I don't think you have to bend your rules with regards to wanting to be "emotionally attached" before ripping those clothes apart. We all have our standards and I think it is only right if we live by them. Otherwise, we will end up living with regrets further down the track.

I think the best thing to do is to go out there and meet people in a social environment, getting to know them without sex in mind (I know that is the last thing on your mind). I am sure there are just as many "shy boys" out there as there are "hornbags". Perhaps, join a gay social or sports club, or even go to a gay friendly church (you did say you considered priesthood). I am not in the USA but the MCC does sound like an awesome to get to know people!

Or even, just join any club or anything that interest you because there could be gay people everywhere! Cast your net wider.....LOL.

Otherwise, try the internet. Don't dismiss it as a place for quickies because there are genuine guys out there in cyberspace too. A lot of them are the shy type I would imagine because it is definitely a less initimidating environment!

I think you relying on your hands at the moment until you find the right guy is worth it because I have realised that sex with love is just way better than those without! I am sure you would agree too. Good luck!

 

[Pegasus69]

mc1911 - First of all, Hello and welcome to the board. I do not think that you need to change your rules to suit the wants and desires of others. I commend you for your stance that you want an emotional connection before the sexual one. I don't know where you meet people, but I think the bars and clubs are less likely a place to meet someone who is like minded. I don't know if there are any social oraganizations or clubs in your area, but that is one possibility. There is also the possibility of friends who have single friends. Granted, for me it has not worked out to evolving into a relationship, but I have meet some very good friends through other gay couples.

Also, you are not alone in this either. I have not had sex in nearly three years for the very reason that you state. I want to make that emotional and spiritual connection first. Although I am not a virgin I did have a 10 year relationship that ended 8 years ago. I did the play the field thing for a bit, but found it left me feeling much more lonely and alone than how I feel now.

Never settle for less than what you want....

 

[mexamor]

Well, these are very good posts and I think the advise is basically good. I am a big proponent of emotional connection/commitment before sexual relations. I think one reason I am is that because sex is such a powerful force in our lives it tends to strengthen our relationships, conversely when there is no relatonship it tends to leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Of course everyone is different and so some people live well just on a sexual basis and others just on a relationship basis, but generally I believe that we do best on a combination basis.

I agree with the posts of finding social clubs in your area. Perhaps even like minded people online. I have a few friends that have found long term relationships that started online, but you do have to be careful (as you would anywhere). I am sorry to hear about your abuse.

Are the abuse issues resolved for you? I ask because sometimes abuse can get in the way of intimacy. I was also abused as a boy. My abuser was in the church. Any way, I don't know if I have been of any help but if you need to talk I'll am willing. Good luck to you and I agree with your moral values.

 

[Soilwork]

Well, Prince Charming only knocks on your door in Faerie Tales, I'm afraid.

If you're looking to meet Mr. Right, you're going to have to put yourself out there in the dating pool. Doesn't mean you have to shag total strangers, but you WILL have to go out on dates, maybe be the one who asks the shy guys out and you might have to kiss a few frogs before you meet him.


OK.. a few pointers.

And I feel like a broken record here, but here you go. You're going to have to find a way to meet gay men who aren't screamingly obvious to you and make yourself available to gay men who aren't "total horndogs".

What do you like to do.. recreationally?

Like, do you like to play baseball? Hockey? Ride a motorcycle? Target Shoot?

Find a gay team or club or organization that does that.. Instantly, you've now met a bunch of gay men who might not have set off your gaydar, but are all gay... and you have shared interests with them.

You might not find your immediate BF with them, but you'll make some friends and maybe you'll meet him through those friends you make out on the shooting range or while scaling cliffs in your gay mountain climbing club.

Good luck.

 

[Steppenwolf]

I pretty much agree with everything that's been said here, but don't completely rule out bars and clubs. Yes, you will probably get hit on, but as long as you remember that you're in control, you can find people just like you in those places as well.

I was older as well before I ever did anything with a guy, and just like you, one of my requirements was that there had to be an emotional connection beforehand. I don't believe in one-night stands. They might work fine for others, they're just not for me. I met the love of my life in a bar. Both of us act straight and neither one of us is promiscuous. I'd be more apprehensive finding somebody via the internet than meeting them in person in a bar or club.

The bottom line is that you'll have to take some chances and look in places you might not ordinarily look. Love can find you in places and at times you wouldn't expect. The sex part will take care of itself in time.

 

[mc1911]

Thanks for everyone who has given their insights and encouragement. I wasn't sure that I should post here, and feel a tad foolish. So thanks for taking me seriously.

In response to your posts and questions:

I do have as busy a social life as time and finances will allow. No gay institutions of any kind in my vicinity and I am somewhat limited about how "out there" I can be (school teacher in a small Australian country town). Nonetheless, I know that I have trust issues and an insecurity about whether or not I have dealt with the abuse in my life, or just think I have. Time for some reflection, I guess, about what barriers I might be putting in place.

Once again, thanks for sharing.

 

[confusedboy23]

Hey, I'm sorry to have assumed that you were in the USA.

We're a bunch of nice guys here so please feel free to post and share your feelings with us. It's always good to have people supporting us when we're down.

I'm in Australia too

 

[Soilwork]

Um... this may sound overly simplistic, but why can't you maybe move to a new community? Like.. a larger city? More Liberal Small town?

 

[mc1911]

No problem, confusedboy. Reading the posts of other people actually made me realise the no-flame zone was real. Glad of it too.

I live about six hours drive in a southerly direction (between Coffs and Port Macquarie).

 

[mc1911]

Um... this may sound overly simplistic, but why can't you maybe move to a new community? Like.. a larger city? More Liberal Small town?

Essentially, work. As a teacher, I get sent wherever the Department of Education directs unless I want to work casually only.

 

[mc1911]

Thanks, Danno.

Can I ask you a question? Have you actually read Tolstoy? God knows I've tried, but I kept waking up and realising I hadn't progressed.