What am I?

[cuidado]

I'm very confused right now and want to solicit input on sexual orientation issues.

I am physically attracted to both women and men and I consider myself bisexual. Women and men get me aroused, but oftentimes the sight of a hot man will be more attractive to me than that of a hot woman. However, I've only acted on the gay part over the last four years or so. (I'm 30)

But, here's the catch: I have never once had an enjoyable gay sex experience.

I've tried several times and it has never really done it for me. In fact, I just tried to hook up with a guy again -- someone pretty hot -- and I couldn't even stay hard throughout the whole thing. I just had to call it off, apologize and leave. That has never once happened to me during straight sex. But, yet, I'll still check out guys and get totally turned on.

I certainly don't think I can claim heterosexuality if I get off seeing hot guys and fantasize about sleeping with them. But at the same time, I'm quickly becoming disinterested in gay sex. I don't think it's a psychological thing or any type of weird latent self-hate because I'm cool with it and even tell people that I am bisexual.

Has anyone had this dilemma during their coming out experience? Yes, I realize that I am really old to still be sorting this out, but it continues to bother me. I don't feel a need to conform to any particular label, but my whole situation feels very confusing.

 

[KaraBulut]

Why do you need a label?

If you're happy being turned on by guys but have no interest in actually having sex with a guy, then there shouldn't be an issue.

 

[Eagle653]

This isn't talked about a lot, but attraction to men in concept, but failure in person, is more common than people realize. The reasons can be varied, including not being as attracted as one thought to being attracted, but unconsciously loathing the idea. Note the operational word is "unconsciously."

It's impossible to say from here. It must be frustrating, though, because you'd like to think that if you find someone attractive, having sex with them would be not only "successful" but very pleasant.

Since you're attracted to, and performing with, women you are probably bisexual. Sexual orientation is usually thought to be on a continuum, so Gay---Bisexual--Straight are labels that have wide latitude in definition. I wouldn't worry about the label that applies to you. What I'd strive to figure out is why you find men attractive, yet find the sexual expression of that attraction so consistently disappointing. Until you do, frustration will loom.

Good luck!

 

[hotb0d]

So you just lean more on the straight side than the gay side, there's nothing wrong with it. You like to appreciate the male beauty but not necessary sexually attracted to men. As long as you're being who you are, then there's nothing anyone or even yourself can complain about.

how do you feel about a gay relationship? maybe another reason that you're not enjoying gay sex is because it's not meaningful enough. If you have feeling for the guy you're having sex, then maybe you'll enjoy it more. It's my personal preference but I can't just have sex with anyone random even if he's super hot. The idea sounds hot but I can imagine myself pulling out because I just don't feel the higher attraction, and maybe that's what you are experiencing.

 

[cuidado]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I should not have titled the thread "What Am I" because the label is not really my big concern.

But I think Eagle653 stated my frustration better than I did: It's maddening to be intensely sexually attracted to guys but have no fulfilling way to act on it. I even think gay sex is hot from the spectator's position, but when I'm involved, it feels awkward, uncomfortable and unsatisfying. I can't wait for it to be over.

I know it may sound irrational (or even comical), but I get upset with myself when I have a hot guy all in my bed and become disinterested. It's just that sex seems like the natural outcome of mutual sexual attraction, so when it doesn't happen I feel like something is wrong with me (even though that's not necessarily the case). The other big downside is the guilt and embarrassment of getting naked with a guy and then being unable to make it through the encounter.

I really want to have hot sex with a guy but it just doesn't seem like its ever going to happen.

hotb0d I hadn't thought of the issue you bring up about trying it in the context of a relationship. I'm not opposed to having a gay relationship, but I've never really felt that emotionally connected to another guy before -- it has always been more of a physical, lust kind of thing. If the situation ever arose, though, I'd be happy to give it a shot.

Thanks again for the input.

 

[youngnihilist]

it's nerves.

 

[tallguy297]

I know it may sound irrational (or even comical), but I get upset with myself when I have a hot guy all in my bed and become disinterested. It's just that sex seems like the natural outcome of mutual sexual attraction, so when it doesn't happen I feel like something is wrong with me (even though that's not necessarily the case). The other big downside is the guilt and embarrassment of getting naked with a guy and then being unable to make it through the encounter.

Well mate, what you've got to somehow change is that feeling of upset that you describe here.

It doesn't really matter what box you fit in as you say... this is about your own body and mind betraying themselves and it confusing the hell out of you.

A lot of guys do this... and have been where you are. Its about the safety of fantasy against the consequences of reality. While you are attracted to guys, while you fantasize and long for that experience, bu not actually following through you have plausible deniability.

In other words, while you never complete the physical side of your desires, it leaves you an out for some of the concerns that linger about your sexuality. And by that I mean that some guys have trouble admitting that as a bi-guy that they may prefer men over women.

I suspect if you dissect your desires you may find your "physical" attraction could be stronger towards men. So somewhere in your mind I'm guessing your are trying to figure out exactly what that means.

Really mate, it is a psychological thing. Its really about how you perceive yourself deep down... not what you tell others. Maybe you see yourself as a bottom with men and that conflicts with the role you have with women. Maybe you have trouble establishing what role you would have in a gay relationship.

Its about learning to let go. Its about saying that while these things are important you have nothing to fear, you've already taken the hardest step in saying that you are bi.

Now its about getting to the bottom of your fears and letting them go so you finally enjoy who you are and the chances of happiness it brings.

 

[KaraBulut]

By struggling with the labeling issue, you're missing another possibility- you may have a strong preference for voyeurism when it comes to gay sex. You may be more turned on by watching guys have sex than you would be when the opportunity to have sex with a guy presents itself.

Sexuality is a very complicated thing. If you have something that you enjoy and it doesn't harm anyone then you should enjoy it for what it is.

 

[Shawn1]

I believe the quote from Kara says it all:

Sexuality is a very complicated thing. If you have something that you enjoy and it doesn't harm anyone then you should enjoy it for what it is.

 

[cuidado]

Thanks for all the insightful responses. Seriously, I was a little distressed yesterday after my latest failed hookup.

But you guys kind of reassured me that maybe I can still have sex with a guy one day... Although, it might take a shrink. Maybe you're right and I'm not as cool with being bi as I initially thought.

One comment that kind of hit home was when tallguy wrote:

"Maybe you see yourself as a bottom with men and that conflicts with the role you have with women. Maybe you have trouble establishing what role you would have in a gay relationship."

I think that may be partly true. I usually like masculine guys who tend to be bigger than me and, naturally, they always want to dominate me in bed. But I find that uncomfortable because I'm not yet used to being in bed with anyone bigger than me. In fact, I'm always with really petite women.

You guys have given me a lot to think about and work on. But you've also given me a little hope that it'll work out one day. Thanks so much.

 

[Lube]

I usually like masculine guys who tend to be bigger than me and, naturally, they always want to dominate me in bed.

That is so far from the truth it's not even funny.

There are tons and tons of big, masculine, nelly bottoms.

In any case, you're looking at sex totally disconnected from a relationship. The fact that you are not interested in a relationship with a guy speaks volumes about how you really feel about yourself. Think about that.