What can I do really?

[Icarus92]

Hi, I've been wanting to post this thread for a while now and I'm finally doing it, probably because I'm feeling very very down. Alright, here's my story and I do hope I can learn a thing or two and if not, at least I got to vent this out.

I'm gay and I've just gone through my first semester in Uni. I came out to my family a year ago and they are the only people who knows my sexuality so far. They took it very well.

Anyways, in my first semester, I met a guy who was two years older than me. He's American and I'm Asian. We became really close friends, always hanging out, playing music, having meals, playing sports, playing videos games, watching movies; always doing all these together. I'm really crazy in love with him and for the past 3 months, he hasn't left my mind at all. He said he can tell me anything and that "nothing will break our friendship, no matter what". The thing is, I'm 99.99% sure he's straight after hearing stories of his ex-girlfriend and his current crush on a girl. I have convinced him I'm straight too, partly because I found out that he was quite homophobic.

So yeah, I'm insanely in love with my best friend, who would never love me back. All my dreams for the past 2 weeks had him in them and no matter what I'm doing, I'll be thinking of him... What can I do? We'll be having a few classes together next semester and he is considering moving into my apartment next year. We would be hanging out everyday for many many hours I assume, like we've been doing the past months. If this is the case, there is no way I can get over him, right? Just seeing him makes me very happy. But then, it's also like putting salt on my wounds because I know that he'll never look at me as a lover. I've tried to be happy just being a friend to him but I think it's really impossible.

Question is... what CAN I do? I can't get over him. I'm already close to being depressed knowing the fact that he's straight. For the past month, I've failed to go one day without crying about this matter. I'm not sure if I can handle seeing him get into an intimate relationship with a girl... I would really lose my mind.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

Hi, I've been wanting to post this thread for a while now and I'm finally doing it, probably because I'm feeling very very down. Alright, here's my story and I do hope I can learn a thing or two and if not, at least I got to vent this out.

I'm gay and I've just gone through my first semester in Uni. I came out to my family a year ago and they are the only people who knows my sexuality so far. They took it very well.

Anyways, in my first semester, I met a guy who was two years older than me. He's American and I'm Asian. We became really close friends, always hanging out, playing music, having meals, playing sports, playing videos games, watching movies; always doing all these together. I'm really crazy in love with him and for the past 3 months, he hasn't left my mind at all. He said he can tell me anything and that "nothing will break our friendship, no matter what". The thing is, I'm 99.99% sure he's straight after hearing stories of his ex-girlfriend and his current crush on a girl. I have convinced him I'm straight too, partly because I found out that he was quite homophobic.

So yeah, I'm insanely in love with my best friend, who would never love me back. All my dreams for the past 2 weeks had him in them and no matter what I'm doing, I'll be thinking of him... What can I do? We'll be having a few classes together next semester and he is considering moving into my apartment next year. We would be hanging out everyday for many many hours I assume, like we've been doing the past months. If this is the case, there is no way I can get over him, right? Just seeing him makes me very happy. But then, it's also like putting salt on my wounds because I know that he'll never look at me as a lover. I've tried to be happy just being a friend to him but I think it's really impossible.

Question is... what CAN I do? I can't get over him. I'm already close to being depressed knowing the fact that he's straight. For the past month, I've failed to go one day without crying about this matter. I'm not sure if I can handle seeing him get into an intimate relationship with a girl... I would really lose my mind.

First question your self at to whether it is Love of Infatuation....the phrase which people often confuse with love.

After that, refer to the bolded. You now what must be done. Slowly ween yourself away from him.

 

[Icarus92]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I've been told to discern between those two: Infatuation and Love.

About getting over him, I find it impossible right now seeing as how he initiates majority of the time, wanting to hang out, etc. I guess the problem is that we spend a lot of time together... it definitely makes it 1000x harder to stop thinking of him. And it's not like I can cut the time we have together.

edit: More on the Love/Infatuation thing, I think it leans slightly more to love now. It certainly started with infatuation but after learning of his weaknesses, knowing his flaws, my view of him really didn't change. I care for his safety, his health. I also know that even if he wasn't as good-looking as he is now, I would still have feelings for him. When I see him hurt, I genuinely hurt inside too. I think it is a combination of both love and infatuation right now.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I've been told to discern between those two: Infatuation and Love.

About getting over him, I find it impossible right now seeing as how he initiates majority of the time, wanting to hang out, etc. I guess the problem is that we spend a lot of time together... it definitely makes it 1000x harder to stop thinking of him. And it's not like I can cut the time we have together.

Which is why I said slowly...ween yourself off. Instead of going with him, form other obligations with other people. Just do something that keeps you busy, up and about, without him in the picture. Slowly do this though as to slowly get over him.

 

[Telstra]

You should tell him the truth about your feelings.
If he still want to be friends, good for you.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Icarus92,

First of all, welcome to JUB and I hope you will be able to make many friends over here.

So you have told us: "I found out that he was quite homophobic." and "I have convinced him I'm straight too."

Excuse me very much for being impolite, but I don't see how a gay (so guys like you and me) can be close friends with a guy who is quite homophobic. I mean, I walk away and I cut all contacts as soon as I find out that a guy is a bigot. I simply don't want to spend my time (and energy) with such narrow-minded people. But that's me.

Excuse me very much, but that does not work. So you hide a very important part of you (ie your sexual orientation) to this very, very good friend, and you even ly to him (telling him that you are straight is a plain ly) because you want to stay his friend.

Excuse me very much, but you are currently walking with him along a road with a dead end. And you are already very close to that dead end.

So I would like to advise you to tell him that you are gay. And see how he reacts on this. When he tells you that he is cool with it, then you can go further with this friendship.

Besides that, I tend to advise you to open yourself at the uni, eg. by joining a LBGT group, or by letting know your classmates, or at another way that you are gay.

So try to make some gay friends, as having a crush on a straight guy is leading to nothing.

He man, you are still a young guy, and the uni is a nice place to open yourself, and to make alot of other friends who accept you who you are. So no need to spend time with homophobic guys. So I would advise you to ignore all people who are -apparently homophobic / bigots, and in stead make friends with people who don't care about your sexual orientation.

Best wishes, and feel free to reply on this message.

 

[Icarus92]

@Sigma-taylor-E
Alright. I'm still making new friends and definitely hanging out with other circles. *sigh.. this will be hard.

@Telstra
I might tell him in the near future. It's not a good time to tell him now because he's going through something right now.

@Ganoderma
Thanks. No, I didn't feel like your post was impolite. Here's my answer and I hope you can accept it:
I do not dislike or shut myself away from all homophobic people. In this case, I said "quite homophobic" because he is uncomfortable and kinda afraid of gays; he does not hate or insult gays. I can accept that. The media and religions have messed up a lot of people's mindset. I don't blame him. I treasure his friendship a lot, and I don't want to throw it all away just because of this.(which is one of the flaws I learned about)
Okay, yes, I lie to my best friend, and trust me, I feel really bad about it. And at the same time, I know we would still be good friends after I come out to him. But me having feelings for him, he might not take so well and as I said above, it's not a good time to tell him right now. One thing's for sure, I do want him to know how I feel.
About the dead end thing. Yeah, I acknowledge that it's not going to go anywhere and that makes me really sad.

I'm not ready to come out just yet. Besides, my Uni is small and he would find out about my sexuality from my classmates if I come out to them. And yeah, I wanna tell him myself someday, not having him find out himself.

Thanks for the replies.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you are feeling emotional pain. As others have mentioned, and as you already know, you are in total charge of making yourself feel better.

As he begins to date he will have less time for you. That is the path you need to take, being busy with dating or LGBT activities, so that you can be yourself. This is your time to be out exploring and not pining away for someone, especially in this way, being so close, so often.

Homophobia is irrational and homophobes can be dangerous. Some people aren't but use the rhetoric because it's acceptable or gets a laugh, but people have suffered at the hands of true homophobes.

It would be, in my opinion, a huge mistake to share a flat without coming out to him first. Again, in my opinion, when you come out to him you should not share your feelings about him. In the end you really can only assume his sexual orientation from what he tells you. I don't mean to get your hopes up, but he is not dating; he just talks about females; he makes homophobic comments.

There's the common fantasy of telling a friend like this and having him reply that he is, too, and the you both live happily ever after. Don't count on it. The easiest way to begin dealing with your frustration is to come out to him. The longer this goes on the worse it will be.

Good luck and best wishes.

PS I'm happy to hear you're out to your parents.

 

[Telstra]

You never know,
if he know you are into guys, he might let you have fun with him (service him)

 

[Wingman86]

Why did you tell him your straight, are you not feeling ok to be gay?
You're asian, so i assume it was hard to come out to your family.. Youve done that, so I why go back in denying to other people?

I think it's more important to accept who you are.. Otherwise it might happen again in the future

 

[Icarus92]

@Seasoned
Thanks for your post.

This is the actually first time I've ever felt so strongly for a person. Having less time will be painful to go through. Funny thing is... my mind tells me that I need to get over him and to reduce the time spent with him. Yet, my emotions and my body just can't help but do the opposite!

I'm sorry, I used the wrong term. Calling him homophobic was an overstatement.

About the flat, it's gonna be shared with two other friends, if that makes any difference? Yeah, I've thought about him being gay also. I'm convinced he's straight because he is actively trying to get a girl to like him now. Also, I've heard from his other friends about him making-out with his ex-girlfriend, etc.

That would be a dream come true, to find out that he faked his crush, and made his friends lie about his past, and that he is actually gay. Nope, I have no hope for that..The conditions now is really stopping me from coming out just yet.

Ah thanks. Coming out to my family was so difficult because I have many siblings; I had to come out so many times in different ways to different members. Mom was hardest. Dad was easy. =)

@Telstra
Knowing him, he wouldn't. Hahaha, but that's a nice thought. He is super horny all the time, but then again, who isn't at that age?

@Wingman86
So far, only my family knows that I'm gay. I am secure that my closest friends would accept me but I do have my reasons not to come out to my friends and other people yet.

Yeah, it was very difficult to come out to my family but I'm not really sure how being Asian would make it more difficult? My family is very westernized though so I guess that could've helped. =)

 

[Telstra]

"Super horny" means he can let anyone suck his dick.
Just look at gay for pay.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

"Super horny" means he can let anyone suck his dick.
Just look at gay for pay.

Oh come on! This isnt the right thing to be telling him!

Do not even consider doing this. Your pain of having him be there, but using you will only multiple your pain; so don't even exercise this mindset!

Just slowly ween you self away from him. Eventually the feelings will diminish

 

[Soilwork]

We have all made the mistake of thinking we were in love with a straight guy when what we were really feeling was loneliness and the human need for companionship.

Gay guys who don't have a lot of gay friends or social network often end up latching on to guys who aren't capable of ever returning those feelings.

And it's a very sad way to be. Don't be that guy.

Here's what you do... You think of a hobby or favorite cause or past time... Even something you've never done but always wanted to try. Baseball, bowling, sky diving, motorcycle riding, singing, acting, photography, mountain climbing... Glass blowing... Whatever.

Then go find a gay club or group that does that.

You have now surrounded yourself with a bunch of gay men who share your interests and they aren't a bunch of sexually charged, alcohol-fueled guys in a bar who have nothing in common with you and aren't looking for anything but sex.

That's where you find your friends... And eventually the network that leads you to your boyfriend. And you'll forget all about mr. Straight guy.

Good luck.

 

[Soilwork]

Oh and just remember the rule of JUB- anything Telstra says, the opposite is true.

 

[Rolyo85]

OK, here's your friendly neighborhood rude voice of reason.

You came out to your family. There is NOTHING more difficult, yet those are the ONLY people you've come out to? God, but that's weird You should be out to everyone. That way you will find other guys who are actually homosexual and will be able to reciprocate your feelings.

You are not in love. Love is a complex emotion that needs to be shared and nurtured from both sides in order to exist. What you are is crushing and infatuated. With a guy you are actively lying to. You aren't being his friend right now.

Let me be blunt in saying I do NOT respect your decision. You are currently living a lie that is reinforcing the stereotype that there is something wrong and shameful about being gay, and your "friendship" with this guy is reinforcing it for you too. This is WRONG. Also, if you being gay will ruin your friendship, then it is no friendship at all. Then again, being open puts people at ease, so maybe he will surprise you and you will help him be more comfortable around gays in general. There are words you can say that will explain why you lied. You are only recently out, not comfortable with others knowing yet, and you liked him AS A PERSON (the second you let slip you have romantic feelings for him, everything will be over, and that's your fault for lying to him until now), so you were afraid of telling him, and you are SO sorry about it, but now that you KNOW how good and understanding a person he is, you KNOW he will understand it (telling people stuff like that can confuse them into actually believing it).

That will still never give you what you want, but it will be a step in the right direction. And don't wait for his stuff to clear up - you have to be out for your own sake, not his. Also, you'll be surprised how much less complicated things are in your own head once the secret and shame and hiding are gone.


And lastly - DO NOT live with him. That way lies complete and utter disaster that could have academic and even physical consequences, and WILL have psychological ones. As much as you want to, you simply can't. Not now, not at this stage of your life.

Sorry for being so blunt. I do actually want to help, and if you want, feel free to message me in a PM, or just write in the topic.

 

[Robbert]

Well I hate homophobic people I hate them but yeah you should try to forget him slowly and find someone else next semester tell everyone your gay from the beginning because being closeted is an everyday torture for me

 

[Robbert]

Btw I've read rolyo's post total agree with him I was so glad I was gay when I noticed

 

[Icarus92]

"Super horny" means he can let anyone suck his dick.
Just look at gay for pay.

Uhm... yeah, not sure how to respond to this one. Hahaha.

Oh come on! This isnt the right thing to be telling him!

Do not even consider doing this. Your pain of having him be there, but using you will only multiple your pain; so don't even exercise this mindset!

Just slowly ween you self away from him. Eventually the feelings will diminish

I'm really not considering this at all of course. I do admit that his post distracted my mind a little bit though.

Here's what you do... You think of a hobby or favorite cause or past time... Even something you've never done but always wanted to try. Baseball, bowling, sky diving, motorcycle riding, singing, acting, photography, mountain climbing... Glass blowing... Whatever.

Then go find a gay club or group that does that.

You have now surrounded yourself with a bunch of gay men who share your interests and they aren't a bunch of sexually charged, alcohol-fueled guys in a bar who have nothing in common with you and aren't looking for anything but sex.

That's where you find your friends... And eventually the network that leads you to your boyfriend. And you'll forget all about mr. Straight guy.

Good luck.

Thanks for your detailed reply. I tried the hobby thing: Music, Video Games, Sports, Anime, etc. They haven't been very effective except that they take away some of my time with him.

Surprisingly, my father indirectly implied that I should do the gay bar thing.

You came out to your family. There is NOTHING more difficult, yet those are the ONLY people you've come out to? God, but that's weird You should be out to everyone. That way you will find other guys who are actually homosexual and will be able to reciprocate your feelings.

You are not in love. Love is a complex emotion that needs to be shared and nurtured from both sides in order to exist. What you are is crushing and infatuated. With a guy you are actively lying to. You aren't being his friend right now.

Let me be blunt in saying I do NOT respect your decision. You are currently living a lie that is reinforcing the stereotype that there is something wrong and shameful about being gay, and your "friendship" with this guy is reinforcing it for you too. This is WRONG. Also, if you being gay will ruin your friendship, then it is no friendship at all. Then again, being open puts people at ease, so maybe he will surprise you and you will help him be more comfortable around gays in general. There are words you can say that will explain why you lied. You are only recently out, not comfortable with others knowing yet, and you liked him AS A PERSON (the second you let slip you have romantic feelings for him, everything will be over, and that's your fault for lying to him until now), so you were afraid of telling him, and you are SO sorry about it, but now that you KNOW how good and understanding a person he is, you KNOW he will understand it (telling people stuff like that can confuse them into actually believing it).

That will still never give you what you want, but it will be a step in the right direction. And don't wait for his stuff to clear up - you have to be out for your own sake, not his. Also, you'll be surprised how much less complicated things are in your own head once the secret and shame and hiding are gone.


And lastly - DO NOT live with him. That way lies complete and utter disaster that could have academic and even physical consequences, and WILL have psychological ones. As much as you want to, you simply can't. Not now, not at this stage of your life.

Sorry for being so blunt. I do actually want to help, and if you want, feel free to message me in a PM, or just write in the topic.

I appreciate your bluntness. Coming out to my family was insanely difficult. Yet, for me at least, they are not the hardest to come out to because I knew how they would react/take it; so it didn't really take much preparation.

I know that not coming out is bad, especially for myself. Thanks for the advice on coming out to him. Living with him is definitely a terrible idea because it means more time, attachment, and all the things you mentioned; Like I said, I know all these but my emotions always pushes me to do the opposite. =/

Thanks for all the replies. I've got a clearer picture of what I should and can do for the mean time. I'm hoping the coming semester will be a better one than the previous one..

 

[Rolyo85]

Coming out to the family is the only really hard coming out, because those are the only people you are stuck with till death do you part. Everyone else in your life you can walk away from and replace, if it comes to that.