What do I do?

[rayheartsmiles]

In just over a month my boyfriend and I will have been dating for a year.
About five months into our relationship, I found out he had been "talking" to someone else and they'd planned on having sex behind my back. We went through a very hard time with that, but eventually he assured me that they had never actually had sex, and he and I stayed together.
Two days ago I discovered that the day before I found out what was going on, they had actually had sex, and that my boyfriend has been lying to me the entire time. He said it was because he knew what he did was wrong, and he couldn't tell me the truth, because he was sure I would break up with him.
I love him so much, but I've already forgiven him for (what I thought) was this very situation once....actually twice before...(he started "talking" to someone else later, but ended it abruptly. This "someone" was a friend of mine)
He's the first boyfriend I've ever had, plus the person I gave my virginity to, and he's been there for me through so much. But for over half our relationship he's held this secret from me and lied to pretty much everyone about it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him, but how can I trust him again?

 

[sixthson]

How can you trust him again? You can't. He is not trustworthy. You have to face the fact that anyone who would cheat on their bf when the relationship was so new, will always cheat.

I'm sure you do love him and appreciate that he has been through difficult times with you, but sometimes you have to make decisions with your head and not your heart.
He will continue to hurt you, most likely, and it is better to take control of it now, than to wait for him to dump you a couple of years down the line.

If you have no self respect, then he will continue to walk all over you and lie to you. If there is any hope for this relationship, then he will have to prove his faithfullness to you. In the meantime, show him the door. A guy who will cheat on you is basically saying you are not enough for him. How long do you want to live with that?

Be strong and do what is right for you. I know it sucks big time. Good luck, buddy.

 

[confusedboy23]

There's not much I can add here but second what has been said. You need to re-evaluate the entire relationship and ask yourself why are you still in it. You need to know that you deserve better and I guess at the very very very least, you deserve honesty and open communication because that's what any relationship is all about. Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

It is over. He can't be trusted.

You have to decide if trust is important.

If he hasn't been fucking anyone but you since, then I think you need to be honest and just tell him that he will never have your full confidence again but that a relationship is still doable.

...but I suspect his eye is always wandering.

 

[rayheartsmiles]

He hasn't "done" anything since then, with the exception of the one incident I mentioned in the first post. I told him already that I probably won't be able to trust him again for a long time (if ever).
I put him on...I'm not sure what exactly to call it...We're not together anymore, but we're not really broken up either, until I decide what to do.
I've always been totally honest with him. Not that I have anything to tell, because other than with him, I've never done anything but kissed one other person one time.
We've talked since I've had a chance to process what's happened. He sounds like he's truely sorry for what he's done, but I don't know whether or not he's really learned anything from all this. I really don't want to just give up on him...I love him...but at the same time I'm always going to remember what he did and wonder if he'll do it again...
I'm just very confused...

 

[rayheartsmiles]

...I took him back...I couldn't bear the thought of being without him, especially now. My grandmother just passed away and I needed him.
But he corrected me. It wasn't five months in, almost six. It was actually six months in, almost 7.
Just an update...

 

[CoolcuteFranzarg]

DUMP HIM! Sorry, but once a cheater, always a cheater. I think I read his post and he had been contemplating cheating on you for awhile, so he had plenty of time to consider how much he would hurt you and he still did it anyway. You only went back to him because right now you need him to be there for you. Trust me, he completely disrespected you by cheating. I'm sure you will find someone better for you, but once a person cheats on another, it means "well, I dont care about you or your health, and you arent good enough to fulfill all my sexual desires". He is only going to hurt you again, even if he promises not too. Come on, it hurts to be cheated on someone you thought you could trust, but he doesnt deserve your love or yout trust anymore. Remember, you just went back to him because you need someone to be there for you. But he will "slip" again. Just think of all the things he said to the other guy. If just one guy, who is supposedly your friend, is able to split you two up, just look around at all the other people you know... maybe i'm being brutally honest, but its the truth.

 

[rayheartsmiles]

This one guy was never EVER my friend. The second one he started "talking" to was and told me what was happening.
The first one...I knew what he wanted as soon as I saw the way he acted toward my boyfriend, and I did everything I could to keep them apart without trying to say "You can't be friends with him. You can't talk to him."
...I don't know what you mean by "read his post" but yeah, they talked about it for awhile. That's what I originally found out about...
Anyway, he came to my grandmother's funeral... I don't know if I was angry or greatful, but either way he said he wanted to talk to me.
(Talking about this subject was totally inappropriate considering the circumstances, but I guess he figured it was his only chance since I wouldn't talk to him) He said he wanted me to go to his therapy session with him so his therapist can talk to us both, so before I came home to college, I went.
She gave me...us...alot to think about, but the most important things she stressed was that I couldn't hurt him with things like "How could you do this to me?" and "You whore." because in the long run it was hurting me to say those things to him. Second, she stressed his half the situation. What he did was wrong and therefore the decision was entirely mine. He needed to give me time, and respect my decision, and he shouldn't do anything to try and influence it.
Smart lady

 

[rayheartsmiles]

God help me...
We got into another argument over all this...I was going to break up with him, and he spent an hour or more begging me not to. His mom heard him crying and made him tell her what was going on. She went into mom mode and, to protect her child, lashed out at me. She said in so many words that I could either leave them alone (completely without any contact at all) or I can go to prison. (And she CAN do that, due to the age we were when we started dating and having sex)
So now we're not allowed to talk, text, e-mail, IM, or anything ever again.
This morning his other mom texted me and said it was over between us and not to contact him in any way. I asked if this was permanent, and she said yes.
We never even got to resolve all this... I didn't get to say goodnight...
I feel so sick...

 

[rayheartsmiles]

I can tell you what she tooks 15 minutes to say in one paragraph if I censor it.
She said basically she was tired of the two of us hurting each other. He's unstable enough as it is and she's sick of the "mind games" I've been playing lately, meaning how I've been going back and forth with what I want to do, because it upset him so much. We're not allowed to have any contact with each other anymore and if we do she's going to have me sent to prison. Then she hung up.
But all that did was make him turn against her and made me realize even though he did what he did, the thought of losing him forever was almost more than I could handle. He called me this morning, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he said that if I was willing to wait on him, he would wait on me.

 

[rareboy]

I can tell you what she tooks 15 minutes to say in one paragraph if I censor it.
She said basically she was tired of the two of us hurting each other. He's unstable enough as it is and she's sick of the "mind games" I've been playing lately, meaning how I've been going back and forth with what I want to do, because it upset him so much. We're not allowed to have any contact with each other anymore and if we do she's going to have me sent to prison. Then she hung up.
But all that did was make him turn against her and made me realize even though he did what he did, the thought of losing him forever was almost more than I could handle. He called me this morning, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he said that if I was willing to wait on him, he would wait on me.

Listen to her. Give it up. Your relationship sounds totally sick.

 

[rayheartsmiles]

I'm sorry to revive this dead thread, but I need to say this.
I dumped him a week or so after my grandma's funeral. I told him he'd hurt me to the point that I couldn't forgive and that it was over between us.
But I came home from college for the weekend this weekend. I had to pick my sister up from her high school on the way home, and he was there, just about to drive away himself. We saw each other at about the same time, and I tried to avoid him all together, but he caught me. I'll refer to myself as Ray and him as Miles, just like in my screename. It went like this:
I was walking as fast as I could, but he ran and caught up to me.
"Ray, please. Please, talk to me."
"Leave me alone..."
"Please, just for a minute?"
"...fine...what do you want."
"Baby..."he started to get watery-eyed as he said this. "I miss you so much. How can you tell a person you'll always love them, but then cut them out of your life like this?"
"How can you tell a person you love them then cheat and lie like you did?"
"I fucked up...I know that. He meant nothing to me. You're the only person who's ever meant something to me."
"You've said that before....before you broke my heart."
"Ray I know. I'm sorry. Can I ask you something?"
"What?"
"Do you still love me?"
The question caught me off guard and I started to get teary-eyed myself. After a minute I answered:
"Miles...I told you no matter what happens I will ALWAYS love you..."
"Then give me another chance. Please baby? I love you so much."
"I can't believe that."
"I know you can't. But you have to try. It took me cheating on you to realize how much I really cared about you...I know it was horrible but...don't you understand."
"Yes. I know exactly how you feel."
I started crying at this point.
"I know exactly how it feels to be in love with someone. To find someone who you care about more than anyone else...someone you feel you would gladly give your life for...and to know they don't feel the same about you."
"How can you say that?"
He started crying.
"You broke my heart. I thought the worst anyone could hurt me was when dad went off on me on my graduation day. When he told me I was a disgrace and an embarassment and that I made him look like a failure as a father. But I was wrong. Even that doesn't compare to how you hurt me."
After that he was sobbing, and I was fighting the same.
"So is this it?"
"Yes."
I started to walk away.
"Wait."
"What?"
"Before you leave...is there anything you wanted to say to me? Anything at all."
I turned around and ask him the one question I don't think he could answer.
"Why?"
He stared for a second then started crying again, and I walked away. So that's that...it hurt so much to end it that way...
Was I right??

 

[benlemieux2003]

What an end...

Sorry for all your troubles. Now spend some time taking care of yourself buddy.

 

[G-Lexington]

You now have your closure.
Move on.

Lex