what do I do

[bobbysmith1965]

My partner and I've been a couple for 10 years. We've had many ups and downs over the course of the relationship. For the last 4 years my partner no longer wanted to be intimate. No explanation was given except his "low sex drive". We would have sex perhaps 3 or 4 times per year. He's 45 and I'm 52. I would have to do some begging and arm twisting to get him to engage in sex. He's self desructive and ruins everything good in his life. He hasn't had a job in 18 months. He's a skilled licensed optician but unable to keep a job for more than a year at a time. Right now his reputation is so bad no one will hire him. He chain smokes and is on methadone maintenance since 2001. In the 10 years I've known him he hasn't taken any illegal substance or failed a UA. Methadone is expensive at $20 for a single dose. I work 2 jobs in an effort to keep us afloat. I'm not without my own issues so it makes for frequent conflicts. I'm a solid man with a strong character. He's a self described pathological liar.

I've been on grindr for 4 years. I've never had a hookup on grindr and I'm only on it for browsing. We've got an open relationship but neither one of us ever had a hookup. Until yesterday that is. My partner has become addicted to grindr and is on it 20 hours a day. He's extremely poetic and skilled in the art of seduction. I'm not. He's become I infatuated with a college guy whose 23 years younger than him. His name is Alex and he's incredibly hot with model like features. Alex nude is a stunning sight to see. Initially Alex was uninterested in hooking up with a man so much older. My partner wrote him several poems and spent several hours talking him into a hookup. He said he would hookup with us if we got a room for the evening.

As the date for the hookup approached my partner told me Alex was freaking out about being tag teamed and so I was out of the hookup. I believe it's my partner who wanted me uninvolved. I sensed my partner had romantic designs on Alex. When I asked him about this he insisted it has only a hookup. On Tuesday I rented a car for a day so my partner could meet Alex for coffee. The hookup was scheduled for Thursday. My partner explained that his main goal was to convince Alex to let me participate in the hotel room hookup. The coffee was at 1 Tuesday. I called him from my work at 3 and he wouldn't answer his cell. A few calls later the phone went directly to voicemail so I knew he turned off his phone. I knew instantly that he was doing something more than coffee. When he returned home 8 hours later we preceded to argue. He said plans changed and the pair drove 2 hours away to a nice restaurant. On the drive home he pulled the car over and gave Alex a blow job. He said no sex occurred and he kept his clothes on.

Today I discovered 2 charges on my debit card that my partner explained as gifts of clothes for Alex. My partner is infatuated with Alex and I believe he has a romantic interest that goes beyond hooking up. I've argued with my partner that he can't date anyone until our relationship is over. He wants to remain in a relationship with me but also look for something new. The whole situation is insane and incredibly stressful. I told him tonight to end his relationship with Alex at once. No more grindr. Tonight I found evidence that he's contacted Alex at least twice today. I told him that he has to move out now. I paid for a rental car, dinner and and gifts but I was excluded from participating. The hotel hookup was scheduled for today but Alex decided next week is better. My partner insists I'll be able to participate in the hotel hookup. He said he needs a good top who can satisfy Alex. My partner is a hardcore bottom.

What do I do?

 

[eastofeden]

You work two jobs for this guy?

I suspect your analysis and suspicions about him are correct so you have to either accept him as he is with your eyes wide open or truly ask him to leave.

It seems has already left the relationship...

The pathological liar thing....how do you handle that?

Has he ever engaged in any kind of therapy?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, you can't control anyone but you. If you let him spend your money on someone else, that is not his fault, if you rent cars for him to go fuck someone else, that is not his fault.

Go to the bank and change your cards, don't pay for him to go be with someone else, no more paying for gifts - then sit back and consider carefully what you are getting out of this.

You can't save a relationship all by yourself, and you can't help him before you help yourself.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

What do I do?

What do you want to do? I´ve only been in two serious relationships so far and they both lasted about five years, as far as I can remember.

From what you write, you have a lot on your plate with your partner even excluding the Alex complication.

In your place, I would have let my boyfriend pursue this Alex character and see where it led.

 

[racer2438]

OK, you can't control anyone but you. If you let him spend your money on someone else, that is not his fault, if you rent cars for him to go fuck someone else, that is not his fault.

Go to the bank and change your cards, don't pay for him to go be with someone else, no more paying for gifts - then sit back and consider carefully what you are getting out of this.

You can't save a relationship all by yourself, and you can't help him before you help yourself.

...Well said.....thinking deep down and it answers it self....I would almost guess you already know the answer......right

 

[Seasoned]

I only got half way through your story. My god, what are you doing to yourself? Say goodbye to him and get your ass to al-anon and one on one counseling.

 

[hylas]

Dude... stop being a doormat. Break up and move on. And take precautions -- change the codes for your cards, make sure that important documents are locked away safe -- because your soon-to-be ex sounds hella untrustworthy.

 

[KaraBulut]

...What do I do?

You acknowledge that for every addict, there's at least one codependent person who enables them to do what they do.

You wake up and you acknowledge that the person you should be taking care of is you.

You find a good therapist who counsels codependent people and you begin the process of getting yourself out of this dysfunctional situation. You can start today by disentangling yourself financially- get new credit cards, open a separate bank account that he doesn't have access to and start looking for a new place to live.

I only got half way through your story. My god, what are you doing to yourself? Say goodbye to him and get your ass to al-anon and one on one counseling.

^same advice, more succinctly delivered.

 

[bobbysmith1965]

I appreciate all the comments regarding my situation. My psychlogist for the last 5 years is an older female. She's a liberal thinker but I live in a rural area where talk of gay sex is still taboo. We talk about sex but only in general terms. She dislikes my partner intensely and even less so after he attended three sessions with me. He was uncomfortable talking about his abusive uncle who molested him at age 10 so he hasn't returned. I've always considered my partner as a work in progress and I thought he would learn by example. We are officially untethered now but we still live together. The tension is unbearable at times. He has a new job and he's looking at apartments. His family lives 1,000 miles away and they told him not to return home. My partner is still infatuated with Alex and they go out for coffee about once a week. Last weekend my partner got a motel room for he and Alex but the room went unused as Alex had a family emergency.
I refused to pay for the room so he got his grandmother to wire him $200. I'm anxious for him to move out and I need a fresh start. I consider this a very valuable life lesson on what to avoid when choosing a partner. A very expensive life lesson.