What do I really want?

[secondmonkey]

I'm not really sure how to put what I'm feeling into words, but I'm going to try. Last night I went over to my best friend's house, and we both got drunk. I slept on his couch, while he went and slept with his girlfriend. This is not the first time this has happened...and I just start feeling really, really left out. In a way, I want that - somebody to sleep with, and to spend time with, but in other ways, I don't. (and when I say sleep with I mean sleep, not sex)

Part of me looks at that and think it's great, my friend and his girlfriend seem so happy together. I'm 27 and I've never had a serious relationship, with a girl or boy. I want somebody to just be happy with, and share my life with. I just want to be normal.

On the other hand, I "don't" want that. I don't want somebody else sleeping in my bed. I don't really want the same person around 24/7/365. I stop and think for a minute about what could possibly make me happy, if I could have anything in the world, and I don't know. I sure as hell don't want a girlfriend...but I don't really want a boyfriend either.

Don't get me wrong...I'm gay, I have sex with dudes and I like it. I guess I just feel really weird about being affectionate with another guy. I feel almost like a straight guy in that regard. Somehow I still feel like I am missing something, like I could be happier doing something different than I am now.

Has anybody else ever felt like this? I feel like I'm only half gay. Something doesn't compute here. I feel bad about it...but what the fuck do I do? What do I really want? I really do not want to still be alone by the time I am 30, but I don't think I can even fathom having a boyfriend...

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I just want to be normal.

You're a homo, monkey. It ain't gonna happen.

 

[ryanboy]

I know how you feel. Try to relax about it and don't stress yourself out. You just haven't met anyone that would make you consider altering your current lifestyle. It will happen someday. Good luck.

 

[Rolyo85]

Gay = normal. Anything else is an insult to both yourself and everyone else here.


As for the rest, you're simply suffering from the "gay guy who's never been in a relationship" comfort zone syndrome. Unlike straight boys who start coupling up from their mid teens, you grew up and developed as a person on your own. Happens to a lot of us. I started dating when I was 25, and to this day still have issues with sleeping with someone else in the same bed. Not psychological issues, mind, I just find it way more difficult to fall and stay asleep with another presence in the bed. Because I grew up sleeping by myself.

Translate that to relationships. You've never been in one, and you've learned to be self-sufficient and manage your life on your own. That is a good skill to have, but you need to make yourself understand that being in a relationship doesn't steal that from you. People need a different level of proximity in relationships, and there are guys who will accommodate yours. Also, if you start dating, your need for "me" time will change too. Not saying it will go away, but it will change.

What I am saying is, your fear of being with someone else is understandable, but irrational. You are normal and there's nothing wrong with you, but you ARE a victim of a life spent alone. You need to get in touch with your emotions and figure out what you want. There are people who function better on their own, but those are very rare exceptions, and nothing in your topic suggests that you are one of them. On the contrary - you are missing being with someone, and your fears sound like exactly that - fears of the unknown, of losing some independence that you are used to. There's even a bit of a Stockholm syndrome there You don't like your present situation, but you're also afraid to lose it, because it's a status quo and any status quo is better than the unknown.

So take some risks. Relationships are about compromising with your freedoms to a degree - no other way about it when there's another human being in the equation - but overall the pros outweigh the cons 100 to 1.

 

[KaraBulut]

Don't get me wrong...I'm gay, I have sex with dudes and I like it. I guess I just feel really weird about being affectionate with another guy. I feel almost like a straight guy in that regard. Somehow I still feel like I am missing something, like I could be happier doing something different than I am now.

Well, read through what you just said.

Straight guys are quite comfortable being affectionate with other guys. Homophobic straight guys are the ones who are afraid.

Has anybody else ever felt like this? I feel like I'm only half gay. Something doesn't compute here. I feel bad about it...but what the fuck do I do? What do I really want? I really do not want to still be alone by the time I am 30, but I don't think I can even fathom having a boyfriend...

You change what you can change.

Some guys are just not comfortable with expressing their feelings. They're not comfortable with public displays of affection. They're not comfortable appearing to vulnerable or weak. And there's plenty of guys who haven't quite gotten past homophobia- whether they're straight, questioning or gay.

That's all fine- if that's who you are and you're happy. But it doesn't sound like you're happy. So, the question is "Why haven't you made the change?".

 

[bankside]

Can't stay on the fence forever… instead of looking at the big picture, figure out a few specific things that would bother you about a relationship if they happened. Once you know that, there are lots of possibilities. You could suck it up. You could find someone who agrees with you, has the same vision of a relationship and what kinds of problems to avoid, and then it wouldn't be a problem. Or you could decide that a relationship is not for you because whatever you might like about it, you know it isn't going to work for you.

 

[Seasoned]

Gay is normal, what I like to call the other normal. I'd say you're suffering from internalized homophobia. We all have it to some degree. How could we not? We all live in heterosexist societies and the only "normal" we see in mainstream culture, for the most part, is heterosexual. That continues to change with the advances in gay rights and same sex marriage. But being in the minority will always mean challenges and some of us won't want to identify with the minority.

The best way through it is by taking small, safe risks at first. I'll give you an example. After being together 28 years my partner and I married in NY in 2011, which meant we were pronounced husbands. I had some fear when first using that word because I was worried about the reactions of others. The first thing I did was to change my avatar heading here to "Pronounced Husbands!" After that I started using the word with my husband and with family and friends and now I'm able to do it whenever it's called for.

I had a friend in the late 70s early 80s who was stopped and harassed by the police. That was done a lot back then. They took him in and discovered he had a "to my husband" birthday card. They went wild with a huge public humiliation. My friend was a trail blazer. We all are when we take our legitimate place along everyone else in society.

Good luck to you.

 

[Lube]

One of the biggest surprises I discovered when I came out is just how many gay men love to cuddle and be affectionate. Of course you never see this in public or in the media.

Get alone with a cute guy who isn't afraid of being gay and you'll find plenty of guys who will be affectionate with you. You don't need to do it publicly if you choose not to.

There is nothing abnormal about being gay or being affectionate. Gay sex and affection are perfectly normal. You need more gay friends, perhaps.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You're certainly not the first guy to have intimacy issues and fears of commitment.

It sounds to me like you're scared to trust someone, and let your guard down... because WHAT IF you do, and then they leave?

A cold exterior, and building walls is your protection from all that, and the possibilities of getting hurt.

 

[future_boy]

wow,what a great thread. I almost have similar kind of question with the OP. Thanks for Rolyo85 advice. Totally resonate with what's going on in my life right now. I thought I was a complete freak,now I understand that it's understandable and my decision to gradually step out from my status quo/comfort zone is the right thing to do.

 

[rareboy]

Just a few images:

If you look at these and feel the pull of something missing in your life....you are ready for this kind of romance and trust.

 

[eastofeden]

I was almost entirely emotionally unavailable until my current lover broke me down. I heard a line in a movie once....something like you can use me or fuck me but don't ever touch me....and I totally related to it. I asked my therapist about that because I was fairly certain that wasn't a good mantra. It took my lover maybe four years to get me to the place I was OK with being openly affectionate...he was patient and very smart and by smart I mean he didn't make it an issue.

I believe it just took the right guy for me. I don't think I would be any different with anyone else but I am certain that after 26+ years with my guy I am not going to have to worry about that.

There are alot of underlying factors that may have contributed to this part of you. There was for me. Do you have a therapist?

 

[secondmonkey]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I still don't know what I want but you've raised some very good points. Some of you should get a job as a psycologist.