what do you do if a friend has feelings for you?

[hylas]

no need to panic. just say/write something like "yeah, i had a really good time! it has always bothered me that i didnt have any gay friends on a platonic level so its really nice that weve found each other!" just to make sure he knows whats what, and then "see how this develops."

and then send him over to me. dont know about the fem part but i love redheads!

 

[bankside]

You've obviously managed to avoid the fetish forum if you thought "brother" would set him on the right path. LOL.

There's an art to resetting someone's expectations with compassion and a light touch, but it is not all that difficult. You should proceed from the assumption that he is capable of understanding social cues. He may be, he might not be, but perhaps this is his opportunity to learn.

I don't think you have to spell it out, just hang out with him in the kinds of contexts you would enjoy. If he asks you to a movie, you can keep it from being more "datey" than "friendy" by just asking if it's okay for another friend to join you.

He'll get the idea, or should. If he behaves gracefully, problem solved. If he has a mini tantrum or something, his problem, his misery. In that case, let him cool off for a couple of weeks and then perhaps try again. Ask him to join you and a friend for shopping or something. Second chances sometimes work wonders.

Same thing if he tries to hold your hand or go in for a hug, you can change this into a gesture of friendship just by your body language when that happens. It sends the message that his affection is welcome, but only on friendly terms, not romantically. Obviously if he goes in for a kiss or something, then you can turn away.

If he seems a little blunt at picking up these signals, then you can give a quick "listen we have to talk" speech. "I think you're developing feelings for me, but I picture you with someone else. I think we're meant to be friends."

That should resolve it. Especially if his social circles are limited, it might take him a week or two of bad manners to reconcile himself to that fact. If he behaves awkwardly and you have nothing to do with him for a while, I would be inclined to give him a second chance at friendship after he's had a week or two to get it out of his system. It can be an unpleasant lesson to learn.

But after that point, he needs to understand and respect your feelings through his thoughts and actions. If not, he's completely in the wrong and you should feel no hesitation in telling him quite bluntly to get lost.

BTW, as for your baffling fear of red-heads, i sentence you finding nothing but red-head porn on the internet for a period of six weeks. LOL.

 

[TX-Beau]

HEY!

I get all the excess redheads, it's in the constitution, I swear.

Yeah, just invite him to go out with your friends, treat him like one of your friends, if he manufactures drama, that's on him, and you aren't going to be able to be friends with him anyway. If he pines or sulks you are going to have to say something, but if he's an OK guy he'll figure it out.

If you want him as a friend, you have to avoid any situation where he gets totally embarrassed.

Remember, you aren't going to be able to sustain a friendship with a guy who can't control his feelings. Those kinds of guys will make you deal with it in one way or another.

Such is life, you can't be friends with everyone.

These boards are full of threads about guys who push where they should have backed off, and those guys always need time and space.

Your first responsibility is to yourself. Be nice, but don't be an enabler, you can't make him stop, but you don't have to put up with it either.

Hopefully, and with a little luck, you'll never have to go there.

 

[sixthson]

... and that sucks that redheads don't turn you on. They send me over the moon!

Speaking of moons, when I was in college I had a friend who was a redhead. The first time I saw him naked, I was surprised to see a red bush. He laughed at me when he caught me checking him out and asked if I had never seen red pubes before. I told him I had, but never THAT red.
So, he turned around, bent over and mooned me. I told him he didn't have any hair back there but he did have freckles on his ass. Very cute, too.

Back on topic, Loki, you are overthinking it. Just see where the relationship goes. You are a novice at such things, anyway, so what do you know?

 

[hylas]

jeez, sixthson... dont you know that co&r is supposed to be about misery and drama, not about instant boner anecdotes?!?

... ill be in my bunk.

 

[hey123sexy]

just set a boundary. If you really want the two of you to be just friends, then tell him. It doesn't hurt to tell the truth. i mean sometimes it does. But telling the truth is better than telling a lie. One can't force the other to do things he doesn't want to do. If he gets mad and doesn't want to be friends. oh well that's his choice. At least you were honest enough.

 

[bankside]

/shudder

it's like you just spammed me with scat

LOL I warned you - six weeks.....

 

[Nomenclature]

Speaking of moons, when I was in college I had a friend who was a redhead. The first time I saw him naked, I was surprised to see a red bush. He laughed at me when he caught me checking him out and asked if I had never seen red pubes before. I told him I had, but never THAT red.
So, he turned around, bent over and mooned me. I told him he didn't have any hair back there but he did have freckles on his ass. Very cute, too.

Back on topic, Loki, you are overthinking it. Just see where the relationship goes. You are a novice at such things, anyway, so what do you know?

 

[bankside]

There's an art to resetting someone's expectations with compassion and a light touch, but it is not all that difficult.

...or, you can try it with a cannonball of satire right in his gut. LOL.

I'm glad he's taking things okay. Hopefully the start of a good friendship.