What do you say to someone who is dying?

[The_Bennu_Bird]

My favorite Aunt is dying of cancer and she is afraid to die. I want to say goodbye but just can't seem to find the right way to.

I'm even having a hard time typing this so it makes sense...

 

[theworldwithout]

If I was dying I wouldn't want people telling me goodbye...

Just let her know that you love her and be there for her.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep her company. Let her talk. Ask what she would like from you.

 

[The_Bennu_Bird]

Therein lies my problem TheWorldWithout she requested people to come say their goodbyes but I can't without breaking down and making her feel bad.

 

[The_Bennu_Bird]

She has always been very dramatic and thrives on controversy and shocking you and thats part of the reason I love being around her. She is a total nutter with a heart as big as they come. If I go in there without a plan it will be a mess.

 

[Elwood]

Therein lies my problem TheWorldWithout she requested people to come say their goodbyes but I can't without breaking down and making her feel bad.

Don't worry about breaking down, it is only human. Just be there for her, I know it is a terrible thing to live through I did it with my Dad this time last year. Go see her and maybe bring her something that she really enjoys, maybe a favorite food or a magazine. You are going to breakdown and that is OK, I don't think it will upset her it will just show how much you care for her.

 

[NickCole]

Go be yourself.

Be true. Be honest.

In the 1980s I said good-bye to countless friends and lovers who were dying and I discovered there is not a right or wrong thing to say. The only thing there is is the truth of yourself and the person you love who's leaving.

Don't rehearse it, don't make a plan. Walk into the room with an open heart, say what comes and just be with her with whatever happens.

After all the razz-ma-tazz is through, when all is said and done, you discover that truth is more meaningful than any words that seem "right." Be true.

 

[G-Lexington]

I got to say goodbye to my grandmother. We both knew it probably was the end. For some reason (I think about this on occasion), she asked "Lex, can you ever forgive me?" And I said, "Grandma, there's nothing to forgive. You are such an influence on my life in ways that I can't even express." When I left, instead of saying "See you later" or "See you next week", she said "Goodbye, Lex." I said, "Goodbye, Grandma. Thank you."

She died the next day.

Focus on them. The things they've done for you or said to you that you found beneficial. And thank them for being in your life. Most people weren't lucky enough to have them.

Lex

 

[bounder]

Tell her you love her. Tell her you're going to miss her. Tell her she'll always be in your thoughts. And tell her sooner rather than later. I don't know how much time she has left, but things could take an unexpected turn for the worse, so I think you should let her know how you feel now.

I know it'll be hard, but you will have rather have said something instead of nothing. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my dad. He was leaving after visiting for a weekend, and I almost didn't say anything to him because I was in a rush to meet up with some people. Remembering my manners, I hopped out of the car, ran over to my dad, gave him a hug and told him I loved him. When I woke up the next morning, I learned that he had a fatal heart attack. Just like that, he was gone. I never got to tell him how I felt, how much I appreciated him or anything. But I am grateful for that last hug, and my final words to him.

Don't worry about the right thing to say. You can't go wrong if you speak from the heart. Good luck.

 

[Beachguyj]

What would you want said to you in that case.

The only goodbye you have to say is when you are leaving.

 

[Joshua_me]

Having been through the death of my Dad, my Grandmother and a couple of close friends, I've found that often no words really need to be said...

Being there is by far the most important thing. Hold their hand, offer them whatever you can, from a boombox playing their favorite music to any of their favorite foods they can still have. (For some reason, it's often ice cream)

If ever there was a case for 'playing it by ear', this is it. If you know the kind of person they are, you often know how to handle it. You may be surprised at the things you hear coming out of your own mouth.

With my Dad, I actually said, "Well, this really sucks, doesn't it ?" during his final hours and that got a little laugh out of him. It was at that moment I thanked him for his humor and his interesting take on life, in spite of the fact we had a lot of problems. In deathbed situations, the 'bad stuff' often doesn't seem all that important. Silly, even.

The bottom line is you WILL handle it, perhaps much better than you are imagining you will. It will be our turn one day, and that old saying, "We're all in this together" never seems more real than at that moment.

Good luck and much love to you.

 

[frankfrank]

I've had to do this a number of times.

I never know what I'm going to say when I walk in. Instead I purely "wing it" and usually pray for some kind of guidance. I don't ALWAYS know that I'll never see the person alive again, but there have been a number of times that I knew for sure that was the case.

As said by many above, just being there is the most important thing.

 

[The_Bennu_Bird]

Thanks boys for all the words of wisdom

I went in today because the doctor told her kids she only had a few days left at most. I arrived there and was a new doctor in the room so I waited by the door and listened. He told her and the family she has a few blood clots in her legs which is shy she can't walk but the pneumonia is going away and she might even get to go back home to die. He told her it was up to her if she starts to eat again she could have as long as 2 months. I went in after he left and her face lit up, at that point I knew exactly what to say. I kissed her cheek and wispered into her ear that I went into the gift shop to buy her something she would like but they were all out of big black dildos. She couldn't laugh that hard but she loved it. I asked her what she would like if I baked her something and she requested peanut butter cookies so I will bake as many as she will eat or anything else so she can at least go home.

 

[Ted333]

I'm gonna take the opposite view here and suggest you DON'T try to say some heartfelt, grand, sincere or tearful 'goodbye'... by doing that you only reinforce the notion that death is some sort of permanent 'leaving'; which will make this event all the more troubling to her. Since we were about 5 years old, human consciousness creates a serialism of time with a beginning and an end, and we fallaciously imagine death basically to be like we're locked up in some dark chest for eternity. The fact is that time is not real, and the universe is not destroyed when at death our consciousness stops observing it... the essence of reality and our true self endures just as it has for infinity. Therefore, knowing that birth and death are but fleeting imaginations, have her focus on the present moment by just shooting the breeze as you do freely in everyday life... complain about the nasty hospital smell or make her laugh. This will bring her back to NOW, which is really the only reality, and relax her.

Edit: I see you did just that with the black dildos- good job!

 

[Bicuriousaussie]

"Cya mate" if i was dieing and someone said that to me really casually id laugh, sorry about your aunt

 

[jizzeater]

Damn, this thread choking me up.

 

[metta]

'I love you!'

 

[bokan800]

You don't tell her anything. Just listen to her.

We I deal with dying patients, I just hold their hand and give them a smile.

 

[frankfrank]

I visited a friend in hospital in Albuquerque two Sundays before the JUB/Vegas meet. He's been buying from me for years, and I've visited with him a number of times. He's always had utmost respect (and, dare I say it, love, in a straight platonic form) for me. He didn't answer my email before I got to Albuquerque, but I happened to have his girlfriend's number from last year when I visited both of them. She was out of town, but fortunately it was her cell phone number I had, so it didn't matter that she was in Florida at the time; she could still tell me which room to go to. I felt very sad that I didn't get to hang out with her as well.

We both "conspired" to keep my impending visit secret, so I walked in and Dale was entirely happy, surprised and "wired" about my visit. That was hard to do, considering his heart attacks and his severe muscle atrophy, but he didn't want me to go. I was there for about 90 minutes, though, and I worried I was tiring him.

In later conversations with Carol he had told her about what had happened, that he looked up and I was standing next to him. He called it "a miracle." I found out about these later conversations, because a couple weeks ago Carol sent me an email (I'd given her that as well, last year) asking me to call her. It was then, that I found out he died.

Apparently the muscle atrophy was caused by the statin drug that he was taking for his cholesterol. Muscular distress is an uncommon, but WELL-KNOWN, side effect from this class of drugs. How in the hell did they miss that?

I didn't know that he would die without me ever seeing him again, but he didn't look very good when I was there, and he didn't seem to be rallying, so in some ways it was almost as though I was knowingly making a final visit. When I left, I couldn't shake the foreboding feeling about that.

 

[The_Bennu_Bird]

Just wanted to say Thank You all and let you know she left us today and I have a new angel watching over me.