What do you think?

[3nipples]

Are you trying to shift the blame on Matt? For not being the person you needed him to be? It doesn't seem like an honest way of rationalizing the situation. Don't you think you could do better to arrive at a clear understanding with Matt?

 

[Christopher123]

Damnit. i know I should start coming out.. But that's another problem... I'm havingn a hard time trusting people.. I always think about.. what if they tell? I so need to tell someone just so I have someone to actually talk to about these things in person and someone who's there who knows and I can be open to. I'm having a hard time opening up because of my trust issues... I feel like I can trust no one. And I am not "close" to anyone. Seriously.

Well, you always have us, but I know it's not the same thing.

I perfectly understand that lonely feeling of not having anyone to talk to about these issues. It can make you feel very isolated. And it's terrifying as well. Before I came out to my friends I was scared shitless. All kinds of stuff goes through your head...

Will they understand? Will they hate me? Will I lose all of my friends? What if it gets around to people I don't particularly want to know about it? What if it ruins my social life? On and on and on and on...

So yep, it's damn scary. And it makes it even harder when you don't really have anyone close to you. But it seems to me that Matt is the one closest to you right now. So whether he's straight or not and even if nothing ever happens between the two of you, couldn't you trust him as a friend to tell him? Temporarily forget about the relationship thing with him. Just look at him as a friend that you'd like to come out to. I know you're scared of losing his friendship if he should happen to freak out over it, but at least then you'd know two things - one, if he's a good enough friend in the first place to accept what you tell him and continue to be friends with you..... and two, if he's quite possibly just as interested in you as you are in him - or not.

Think about that, okay?

When I came out, I lost and gained. A couple of my friends freaked out over it (one of them was downright cruel) but the rest of them were just fine with it. Once I was over that hump (which was a HUGE relief, you have no idea) new things started happening. I felt more free, I started meeting new people just like me (I now have quite a few gay friends - although most of them are just acquaintences at the bar because most of my friends are straight, but it's still fun to be 'open' in the place I hang out and talk to anyone about anything) and relationships happened. Well, one major one and a few little ones. But still, those relationships may have never happened if I hadn't said anything. My 'major' relationship (my only TRUE boyfriend) happened because a friend of a friend said, "Hey, I know this one guy who's pretty lonely and I think he could use a friend like you," and the rest is history. We fell madly in love with each other and were together for over a year before he had to move away.

So see, there can be losses - but there are also gains. And the biggest gain, to me anyway, was not having to hide anymore.

My profile says I'm only out to my friends. But that's because I'm sure a lot of my family doesn't know ONLY because I never associate with them, nor do I really care to. So I couldn't choose "I'm totally out" because I'm really not. But I'm out to those that matter to me. Everyone I hang around from day to day - my friends, my roomies and their families (who treat me like one of their own), the people I work with and everyone at my bar - knows. All of the people that directly affect and influence my life.

For some, coming out is fairly painless and uneventful. For others it can be hell. But once you get past all that, you feel better about yourself even if no one else does.

 

[backpacker]

Lucas, I'm willing to bet that Matt is just as frustrated as you are. Normally I think people are just fooling themselves when it comes to their "straight" friends, but I don't get that feeling here. I think he always has friends around as some type of moral support (even if they don't know it). He might be too nervous to be alone with you. Here's what I would try. Call or text him that you have a personal problem and need a friend to talk. Ask him if he can meet you alone as you don't want to discuss it with a group of people. When you meet him, tell him you have a hard time telling if someone is interested in you. Then ask him how he normally tells. If he has half a brain, he will know what you are talking about and his response will tell you his feelings. Good luck!

If things don't work out with Matt, I would seek out an openly gay guy. To have both people going through the "I'm not sure" stage, is difficult.

 

[Kyanimal]

You know what, Lucas? I'm an IDIOT!!

It just dawned on me that You have a resource, right under your nose, that could prove to have tremendous potential! "Matt's" Gay Buds!!!

Even if you've decided to "quit" on "Matt", sit down and have a TALK with these Guys! Invite them over, drop by their place, or meet them out somewhere. Sit them down and find out about Them!

What was it like growing up Gay? Are they out to their families? How did they meet each other? Have they run into any problems being "Out" around school? And ... if you still might have an interest, "I find myself somewhat attracted to 'Matt"! What do you guys think I should do?" (They KNOW Him!)

You could also request to keep this all "Quiet", because it's something you need to be able to deal with at your own pace, in your own style. Not that you should have to mention it, because I'm sure they would more than understand, right from the start! Who better to trust??

Ask them for their help, thoughts, experiences, instincts ... just like "Here"! But, you'd be face to face with "Real" People!!

I'm not saying neglect "Us"! We're still "Here", and still care to know!

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[colemanshs]

Wow dude, I think that Matt is really into you. Since he's very gay friendly, just tell him about yourself and maybe he'll open up to you. I really think he like you. Good luck.

 

[Lucas07]

So I'm still in this thing with Matt. I'm in love.
Just an update :

Sunday : I was rooting for him, I missed him so much! haven't seen each other for a day. Finally, a text from him! he went "Lucas, would you like to come to our shop's anniversary?" I said of course i will come. Even dropped hints that because he would be there. So to cut things short we continued to talk sine i told him I was at this awkward party at some place and he just kept asking questions. Really interested he asked all kinds of questions. I let him. So in the end I wanted to reciprocate the interest so yeah. That's the night.
It was getting late so I assume he fell asleep and wasn't able to reply to my last message.

Monday : I was missing him again, he was on my mind. Every text i get i hope it was from him. Then finally, late afternoon, I get something from Matt. "Lucas, We're here in your building". Then a friend of mine immediately told me after I received it that Matt was looking for me outside. So yeah, I saw him, again he was with his two close female friends but they were "away". So we were alone, we talked, kinda weird I felt like we were both shy and we were literally like whispering to each other, body contact and all. So again I was happy. I wanted to hang out with him more and asked where he was.. no reply. So he was talking about this movie earlier so I just asked him... "Would you like the see that movie sometime this week?"... after minutes... "Friday?"... I hope we're alone he didn't ask with whom are anything. Just hoping.

That night, we talked online and he wanted to confide his problems and wanted to "vent" so yeah he vented about his frustrations and stuff. I listened and gave encouragement. Then I bring up the topic of my problems with being close and trusting people (to tell them my sexuality). I told him I wasn't totally open to anyone, no one knows the "real" me. Something I haven't told a soul. I wanted to send a message. So he goes "Oh, that." he's been through this before. He said he's lucky he found the 2 girls he's really open with and close to. He gave me advice like it takes time, it's give and take, and you just have to "fall" and trust. It just happens. I dunno but I hope he got the message. So yeah, I told him how much I trusted him but I think the problem is me.. I'm really scared and I'm a wimp. I told him that I so wanted to tell him a lot of things but it just boils down to me not having the balls. I said how frustrating it was.

He goes "The time will come when you will be able to tell me"..
"I'm waiting for the perfect time..."
I told him how frustrated I was...
*I think I was pretty clear and obvious*
So he had to go and said good night and see you tomorrows bla bla.
he said thanks for listening and all I thanked him too..

What was kinda weird so I said goodnight with this hugging emoticon then he goes "Man hug!" then repeats the same emoticon. I mean? Man hug? Cmon. I don't know.

So did he just went through what I am going through right now? I'm really looking up to his relationship with his 2 female friends. They're really open and he told me that yeah that he just got close to them and just told them stuff. I want something like that. people to talk to about stuff I wouldn't talk to anyone else about. It just happens. Wow. I dunno. But was he sending the same message? I mean, am I overanalyzing again. It's just so alike.

So we met up again... the day after.. Everything's fine, body contact and all. But he talked a lot about "gay" stuff. Like... "gay guys get more girls!", and asking stuff like "are they gay?" and stuff like that while in this conversation. told me he was using his "gay car" since the plate almost read "gay". So yeah everything went fine.

I dunno. I'm still in this process. taking your advice while I'm going along the way.

We still talk and stuff..
Though our friday "movie" date is cancelled due to some reasons. "Important stuff". He has "problems" right now so I guess later I'll contact him to ask him what's wrong and all that stuff.

Well that's it. just posting what happened.. a few days ago.

 

[Kyanimal]

Keep talkin' ... keep listenin' ... keep sharin' ... keep "snugglin'".

As "They" say, "Softly, slowly, catchee Monkey!"

And, of course ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[dunno260]

I agree with kyanimal.

And it seems obvious to us, and hopefully what you are trying to tell him without telling him is getting through, but you can't know for sure, and the only way to it crystal clear is to state it in no uncertain terms. You will know when the time is right.

 

[backpacker]

Congratulations! Things are progressing nicely. I think it's safe to say he got your message, but he's just like you. You are both afraid to actually say it just case you are wrong. Somebody has to go first. I would somehow work into the conversation that you are both alike and see how he reacts. Good luck!

 

[3nipples]

Good for you. Sounds like you're moving foreward at your own pace.

 

[trawler69]

Lucas

I think you have both made it clear to each other how you feel. He knows you are Gay and he is trying to make it easier for you to tell him by letting you know he is relaxed about it. I think he may well be trying to tell you that he is too.

When he describes his "Gay car" perhaps you should sugest you swap plates. He goes "why?" you go "duh!"

I'm still hoping for the best for you. You are going to feel so good when you finally utter those three short words "I am Gay."

 

[Lucas07]

Haha lol. Yeah, I always state that with his car. A lot of times. Like... I like that! I love that plate! I want that! stuff like that. You know. I'm so crystal clear (I think)

Well I do think I was pretty clear. I mean cmon.
"I haven't told anyone something.. something no soul would know.. I feel like no one really knows the "real" me. That's why I'm not open and close to anyone"
"I want to tell you a lot of things, but I guess It's still me not having the balls and wimping out"

I just don't know if he still didn't get a hint from those examples of what I've said.

I even had some blog entries going like : "You make me happy.. just even the thought of you.. When I see you, really you make me happy, I just suppress it". He knows my blog. I'm kinda making it all obvious and somewhat like connecting.. But still not directly. I'm putting down my guard here. I just won't get it if he hadn't had a clue. He must be 12 if he can't think that way.

You think he already has a clue? Like he already knows?
Even if assuming like he's someone you know and he's realllyyy straight and 18.

We wimping on each other?

 

[dunno260]

I don't know if he knows or not. I think he probably at least suspects something though. However, Its tough to say for sure. My best friend, who was straight, and I fell in love with had no clue when I told him some 5 and a half years after we had met. I felt I was so obvious, but he never suspected a thing at all. A couple of my friends who were gay said that they had suspected it a couple of times, but not too much. A long winded way of saying that I wouldn't be suprised either way.

 

[3nipples]

Crystal clear is when you tell him; anything else leaves room for doubt, moreso if he is straight....

on the other hand, assuming he is gay AND interested, I am surprised that he doesn't make more of an attempt to find out or at least attempt to see you with nobody else around...

 

[trawler69]

Hey Lucas
I'm sure he suspects, based on what you say. But there is a difference between suspecting and knowing. Maybe he doesn't want to wierd you out by asking you if you are Gay.

I would never ask someone if they were Gay, but if they asked me, and they were a good friend, I would admit it. I've been here before dancing round in circles with a bloke until it got too much and I had to know. So I finally told him I was Gay and he immediately told me he was and thanked me for making the first move. We are still good friends although we never really dated as such. I seem to remember we slept together once and fooled about a bit.

The point is that coming out to him strenghtened our friendship and I hope that is what will happen for you.

 

[Roland00]

Lucas just need to warn you sorry.

Recently you have told Matt that you like him alot, and you want to open up to him. You assume that he will then jumps to the conclusion that you are queer, notice I used the word jump. He needs to make the innutiative leap to connect the dots. Problem is all the things you have told him signify friendship, nothing more nothing less.

This is what you have told him

1) You have told him that you like him. Note like is such a general term and most of the time signals friendship/companionship and nothing more.
2) You have told him that you have a problem opening up to people, but less so with him.

In his eyes all this signifies friendship and that you trust him and you want to work on developing even more trust and becomming closer. Once again this signifies in Matt's eyes friendship.

---------------------------------------------

Lucas I am just pointing this out so you won't get discouraged in the future that he isnt' figuring it out. If you are happy right now don't change a thing, but he isn't going to figure out you are queer until you flat out tell him. Go ahead and establish trust and friendship first if that helps

I am glad you are happy ​

 

[Lucas07]

Hey guys.. Thanks for all the responses.. I'm still learning! thanks guys.

Anyway.. Recently I checked his online journal and found there;s a new post.
He's really down and sad.. He said it's the saddest moment in his life so far.. He's really in pain and "reality" hits him hard. Explains why being with friends is such an "escape" to reality and stuff like that. And how things are beyond control, external forces, and how he can't be the way he likes himself to be because of certain events. So he goes like, before you call me dramatic, know what I'm going through first, that is if I tell you..

So I left a reply on the entry.. I told him that I'm there for him *hugs* and shit.

I was worried and concerned upon reading the entry.. He isn't this type of person. I mean knowing him for 8 years.. He's really not this "emo". This is a huge shift. So I was really worried. So I texted him striking up a little conversation first. We spoke a little then I asked him what's up/what's wrong? I told him I read his entry... he didn't respond anymore.

Then I checked he replied to my response to his post... He told me "Thanks.. Will tell you when I we get to see each other"

So I was pretty happy that in a way he kinda trusts me already... Though I feel like he's still holding back in a way. Coz I am too (you know).

So I haven't heard from him in 2 days. I'm really worried. I'm kinda hesitant to contact him... I so want to help but I guess I have to wait till he tell me and if he actually tells me and allows me to help him... Oh well

I want to cheer him up but I don't know how to start...

 

[Roland00]

People that act emo in silence when they never act emo do it for one of three reasons.

1) They have no one they can turn to, they may have plenty of people to turn to in real life, but they censor it for they are afraid of showing some form of weakness to others.
2) They are highly stressed
3) They are near the breaking point (relating to number 2, but very different)

Good Luck and be there for him

 

[Kyanimal]

O.K. So ... you guys are at school. I'm assuming that since you're in a dorm, you're away from home. Is Matt away from home, too?

You mentioned some problems he's having with his band. Guys from high school? You've also hinted he may be struggling with some classes. And even if he is away from home, there could still be some things happening there that may be putting him under some kind of pressure.

The transition from high school, to college, can be quite a traumatic experience, for some. I know it was not a "smooth" time for me! I went off feeling I had the World by the balls! Then, abruptly discovered it was probably the other way around!

I'm not sure "cheering him up" should be the focus of your "mission". But, rather, providing him an unconditional ear and shoulder. Until he feels he can be completely open with you, about Anything, what may be bothering him is only a guess.

Sounds like it's not the best time to bring up the "gay thing". He's under enough stress already. Seems what he could use the most is a caring, sympathetic, non-judgemental, serious Friend, with no "agenda" beyond being concerned for his well being.

I do hope you manage to see him, soon! Don't let him drift too long, before he gets dug in deeper.

Wishing you Both the BEST!
Chaz

 

[Lucas07]

Ouch.
He just went online after DAYS of not hearing from him.
He went hey just going online quick... Just wanted you to know I'm online again.
Coz he doesn't want to go online anymore because of people / friends he's avoiding or something. He tells me that he doesn't want to see/talk to some people and it irritates him when he goes online. So yeah we talk a little.
"He goes we haven't seen each other for a while..."
It's been a week since I last saw him. I'm thinking about him everyday. Though I'm kinda getting over it slowly.

I ask him what's up. He's doing okay like nothing new. So I ask him if he were already okay... He goes.. no.. not yet. It's a process... He asks me what's up
I tell him me too.. I'm in this process too and it's frustrating then I encourage him. I'm trying to stay strong while he's down. I want to stay strong for him. So yeah, I ask him what's wrong since we haven't met each other he hasn't told me yet (what he wrote in his blog reply)...

So he goes like "There's just someone who's leaving... moving.. That's all"...
I was really worried.. "That's all"? I mean that's something. So i go ask him who it is to start something about what's bothering him. He didn't share anything to me. He just went... "I can't tell you. I promised." for the 100th time. I kinda like it that he doesn't tell me because he promised and he kept it but I hate it too!

How Am I going to be able to help him if he doesn't tell me a thing! So yeah, he's still not opening up. He just goes into the tips of the icebergs and lets the rest of it remain underwater.

At this point I was just wishing I just didn't go online... Or i shouldn't just talked to him. It makes me sink for some reason. Maybe he's sad, maybe he's just in a way kinda distant.

So I just go "Okay then..." I didn't want to push or anything. If it's a secret, then it's a secret. If he doesn't want to tell me... fine. I won't push. I just said "If you need any help or I'm allowed to just tell me okay...". He goes "You already did. I mean,You already helped.. and thanks". So there was this silence for a few minutes... So I finally decided to leave... I go..

"Whoever's leaving it seems like this person is really important to you... Just remember.. It's just the distance.. what's important is what you have (relationship/friendship) lasts. Lighten up!"

Then I sign off.

What bullshit. I hate this. I mean on my part. I'm trying to be a friend. Like you guys said, he's going through all this BS and I don't want to jump in and make things worse. He needs a friend. I'm trying to be that.

So yeah. I'm still hanging around. It's hard... I don't know why.. But it's just hard!