What does a relationship look like?

[hanshansen]

In another thread, I mentioned that I told someone I wanted to meet up but I wasn't suggesting a date because (among other things) I wasn't in the relationship headspace. (My understanding is that he is.)

I've since had dinner with this person and I'm becoming a little less certain that I'm not in that space. It's now something I'm having to think through.

There's lots of little things about 'seeing' someone which would push me outside my comfort zone, but with the right kind of person I think I could get over that. Possibly with this person.

What really scares me when thinking about relationships is that I have no idea what it's like to be in one - at least in the same-sex space - and I have no idea how you get there, or anywhere close, from having dinner and conversation with someone. I'm also not totally sure what I'd want to get out of one.

All the sexual encounters I've had were extremely front-loaded, with people who wanted to get into my pants at the first or second encounter and weren't after anything long-term. So I didn't really have to make any moves.

In my mind I'm going through the relationships in my circle of friends. Two of them are gay relationships, all the rest are hetero ones.

Some of my friends have done the whole moving to the suburbs, having kids, becoming domesticated thing (including one of the gay couples, minus the kids). That doesn't hold any attraction for me at all.

My close friends, who I do stuff with regularly, are either single or they're in relationships which look a lot like friendships with benefits, even though some of those couples live together (in inner-city apartments). What I know about them is:

*sorry, wip - some key combination saves this stuff*

 

[thisisinteresting]

You've got to drop your painfully stereotypical view on what a relationship is. Stop watching television or something. A relationship is what you make it - everyone is different. I'm not at all interested in the suburbia life either, but does that mean I can't be/am not in a relationship? Of course not.

A relationship is honestly just spending time with someone you care about. You don't have to go on dinner dates. You don't have to go see movies together. You don't have to kiss on the first 'date'/hangout, and in contrast, you guys can fuck on the first night. It doesn't matter what you do, it's just about your feelings. You can take it any pace you want, and honestly do whatever you want.

Stop trying to find a mold, or definition to a relationship. Explain to the guy you're new and aren't sure what you want, and if he's at all a decent guy, he'll understand and just... hang out with you. Y'know? You're worrying way too much. If he's not cool with that, you'll know he's not relationship-material in any sense, so then you can cast him away, or file him under no-strings-attached hookup? Haha.

The only thing you should be trying to 'get' out of the other person is enjoyment. If you are happy spending time with them, then voila. You're on the right track.

As for the same-sex thing, why would that change anything? Men love each other, women love each other, men and women love each other - it's all the same shit. I think you're letting stereotypical societal images brainwash you a bit too much. People are people, and relationships differ because of the person and their personality, not because they're gay, straight, feminine, masculine, whatever.

Sorry if my post doesn't help, but you're fretting over nothing. My relationship started from a fuckbuddy relationship so I can't give the best advice, but what I can say is you're making it too complicated.

 

[Eagle653]

Explain to the guy you're new and aren't sure what you want, and if he's at all a decent guy, he'll understand and just... hang out with you.

I think it's as simple as this.

There aren't any manuals on relationships (actually, there are in self-help sections of bookstores, but most aren't worth the paper they're printed on). You just have to be there, be engaged, and see what happens. Over-analyzing relationships in general, or this budding one in particular, will spook you, I guarantee it. See him again, get to know him, reflect on what you want, and go with the flow and see what happens. Even if it doesn't work out, you will learn some things about yourself and about another person. There's good in everything.

Good luck to you. Keep in touch with us and let us know how things are developing!

 

[hanshansen]

*This was what I was meaning to post - sorry, really just thinking through things for myself. Will read responses afterwards*

In another thread, I mentioned that I told someone I wanted to meet up but I wasn't suggesting a date because (among other things) I wasn't in the relationship headspace.

I've since had dinner with this person (a non-date, I guess), we had a very good time, and I'm becoming a little less certain (at a gut feeling level) that I'm not in that space. It's now something I'm having to think through.

There's lots of little things about 'seeing' someone which would push me outside my comfort zone, but with the right kind of person I think I could get over that. Possibly with this person.

But what really scares me when thinking about relationships is that I have no experience of what it's like to be in one - at least in the same-sex space - and I have no idea how you get there, or anywhere close, from having dinner and conversation with someone. I don't know how conscious or planned the process has to be. I'm also not totally sure what I'd want to get out of one.

In my mind I'm going through the (successful) relationships in my circle of friends. Two of them are gay relationships, all the rest are hetero ones.

Some of my friends have done the whole moving to the suburbs, having kids, becoming domesticated thing (including one of the gay couples, minus the kids). That doesn't hold any attraction for me at all.

My close friends, who I do stuff with regularly, are either single or they're in relationships which look a lot like friendships with benefits, even though some of those couples live together (in inner-city apartments, minus children). This is what the couples seem to get out of being a couple:

* They can do stuff they both enjoy whenever they feel like it (weekend trips to vineyards, vacations, dining out, concerts)
* They've 'gone public' to their friends which seems to mean that they can be open about the fact that they like each other (in subtle ways - not big PDA type of stuff) and also that they can do 'couple' type things with other couples in their circle of friends - i.e. more opportunities to do fun stuff with mutual friends
* They go out of their way to support each other during major events (birthdays, awards, promotions, illness, bereavement, and the like)
* Obviously the intimacy that you don't really get to see in public.

Usually it's taken a couple of months before it became public knowledge that these people were seeing each other.

Some couples are a pain to be around because they seem to look inward and exclude you, but the couples in my circle of friends are awesome to be with because I happen to have become good friends with both parties and you get to see how much they enjoy each other's company as well as everyone else's.

So if that counts as a relationship, that's a situation I wouldn't mind being in. That means that if I can answer 'yes' to the following questions ....

* can I see myself becoming intimate with this person?
* is he enjoyable to be around (in the way that a friend would be)?
* is he someone I could see becoming part of my circle of friends (and me part of his)?

... I should be able to go with the flow - although it would at some point still be necessary to talk through whether the other person is looking for similar things.

In this case gut feeling is starting to point towards a 'yes' to all three questions.

 

[hanshansen]

Over-analyzing relationships in general, or this budding one in particular, will spook you, I guarantee it.

Yeah, I think I have let this spook me. Especially on dating sites (which is where I originally contacted this person - by coincidence he's linked one of my groups of friends) - you see things like 'looking for relationships' or 'I'd make room for a future partner' and you think 'what on earth do you mean by that?'

There's people who make you feel anxious and people who put you at ease, and with the people who put you at ease a lot of things turn out to be a lot simpler in reality than when you anticipate them.

But a little analysis is OK to clarify what your priorities are .

 

[Eagle653]

If you are leaning toward "yes" on your 3 questions, then I think it's reasonable to continue learning this guy and seeing where this goes.

Usually, couples eventually have the "relationship-defining" conversation. In essence, it's a reality-check along the lines of "Are you on the same page as I am about this?" In some relationships, just through actions and casual conversation--what that person is willing to divulge--it's obvious. In some cases, especially with people who are shy or more guarded, it's not so obvious. The timing of such conversations, if they need to happen, are important because if done too soon, it can intimidate the other person (he may not actually know, himself, how he feels and where this is going). If you want too long, you can be anxious and fret unnecessarily for too long. So, you just have to use your judgment on that.

The first few relationships someone has are incredible intimidating. It's like learning a language that everyone else seems to be speaking and is comfortable with. I guess that's why most of us make mistakes along with way. If you're with a loving person who understands that you're new at this, he'll help you along the way. I know I was helped, and I made some whopper of mistakes. It sometimes helps to put yourself in his shoes. If he really likes you, and thinks you might be a good relationship, he's got every reason in the world to help you along and be patient with you. The whole success (or failure) of this relationship is not on your shoulders. He's bearing some of that too, and hopefully will ease you into it.

 

[Lube]

What everyone else said. And:

Don't treat every relationship like it's "the one". It probably isn't. It takes you 4 or 5 relationships before you even realize what it is you are looking for in a relationship. No two people want the exact same thing.

As usual, you are overanalyzing things. Just go with the flow. Enjoy it for it is. Learn from it. But it probably won't be your lifelong partner, so don't fret about it.

Learn what differences you can tolerate in a person, and what difference you can't.

Learn how much affection you need in a relationship.

Learn how much sex you need in a relationship.

Learn how much trust you need in a relationship.

Learn how many common interests you need in a relationship.

Oh, and btw, it's rare for both of you to really enjoy each others' friends. Some you will, some you won't. You're not clones of each other.

As always, Good luck.

 

[palbert]

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

I am bringing back this excellent thread because it is relevant to a lot of new and younger members. A lot of the relationship postings I see place unnecessary emphasis on the length of the "togetherness." One poster was tortured because his "relationship" was cratering after two months. Now I'm not certain you can have a relationship at two months time. Certainly there are a lot of variables: age, finances, living together, etc. What do you think, particularly when the poster is under 20: are they rushing it, and burdening a sexual friendship with what can be a very loaded term.