What does "I'm not ready for a relationship" usually mean?

[Atzesp]

Ok, LosAngelesKings, let's go slowly through some things you said.

I've been talking to an incredibly hot guy for a month now, and he recently gave me the usual "I'm not ready yet blah blah blah and if that's what you're looking for we shouldn't be talking".

As it was already said here, yes, it's a polite way to say "I'm not interested in you". If a guy is interested in you, he may not be ready, but he'll find a way to do so.

I don't want to brag, but I'm a very attractive guy, a college graduate, and I make a decent living. I don't feel like I come on too strong or anything, but somehow I still end up scaring guys off.

Maybe that's the point. Have you ever considered the possibility of you to be "selling" yourself as something too good to be lost? You may be, indeed, a very attractive guy, a college graduate and make a decent living. The problem is, when you have to explicit this, usually it is not the truth or you're such an arrogant guy (which I guess you shall not be, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for some advice and opinions). Either way, the guys you got in touch don't know you that well so that they know what you are on the inside. They'll probably think you are a jerk, or a liar - and nobody wants to commit with someone like that. I tell from my personal experience: once I met a guy who was handsome, muscular, hot and intelligent (we both were at university, at that time). But whenever we went out, he would always lead the conversation, with the subject being "me, me, me". It got me tired.

Remember that getting into a relationship is sharing something. There must be space enough for both of you and your dreams.

We've had sex, we're obviously both attracted to one another, and we had great chemistry. I'm so tired of the fakeness and ambiguity that comes with gay dating.

That is a point to be thought. Who knows?... Maybe you wanted commitment, he wanted sex. You gave sex in order to get a comittment. He gave sex to get sex. He got what he wanted, he doesn't need you anymore. That's hard, but may be real. Maybe you should try to make it perfectly clear about your expectations before going to bed.

When I say we had great chemistry, I mean we had a lot in common... (...) And casual sex is the LAST thing I want. I've had enough casual sex to last a lifetime. I just want sex with one person for the rest of my life, as long as it's the right person. And of course he should fulfill what I'm looking for in a guy: someone motivated, educated, who shares similar ideas and beliefs, and who I am instantly attracted to.

That also may be a problem - both of you must want the same thing. You said that you've been in touch with him for about a month. What if you got him scared with your expectations? Maybe he felt that, if you started dating, there would be many requirements to fulfill in a short time - such a huge pressure!

I've always told my friends that a boyfriend must be a partner, not an accessory or a "crutch". You must, first of all, be happy - no matter all those things you want. But you must not deposit all your happiness expectations on someone. More than hard to achieve, it's not fair - neither to you, neither to the other guy.

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I'm unhappy about.

You are unhappy because you got a crush on him, and he didn't on you; That happens, it's hard - but you gotta keep on going. Complaining, crying, asking, begging - none of this will make him change his mind. In fact, it shall take him even further.

And a little P.S.: when I met my boyfriend, it was something absolutely with no expectations - and here we are, together, for 7 whole years (in gay years, I think that shall be something about 30 years, it's more or less like dogs - LOL). And I happen to know a couple which have been together for almost 25 years! Where did they meet? In a nightclub, at the dark room.

Don't put too much pressure on you and your future. Just let things happen.

 

[terps420]

He's Just Not That Into You.

 

[Seasoned]

Why all this analysis? He doesn't want what you want.

 

[NineOfClubs]

It can mean two things:

1) You weren't good enough in bed to make the cut.

2) I prefer to continue sleeping around.

 

[hotb0d]

it is code for: you're hot but I don't find any attraction emotionally so I'll keep you as a nice fuck buddy.

 

[rjmrjm21]

I've been talking to an incredibly hot guy for a month now, and he recently gave me the usual "I'm not ready yet blah blah blah and if that's what you're looking for we shouldn't be talking". This definitely isn't the first time this has happened to me...so what does it mean? Do these guys meet someone better, or are they honestly not ready? Or am I just such a good catch I scare guys off, because they're not ready to settle down and give up their freedom?

You guys' thoughts and opinions?

Depends...I say that because sometimes I am unsure about someone and need more time to see but other times, the other person is moving way too fast. On the 1st or 2nd date, he's talking about relationships and being together forever, etc.. I'm like, I just met you. Give it some time. Hope that helps.

 

[LosAngelesKings]

How does it change things if he's just recently out of a 5-year relationship? I could understand him legitimately not being ready for something serious so soon after that.

Because he did seem to want to date me when we first started getting to know one another. He would always talk about things we could do in the future together, etc. But I think once things started becoming more serious, he got scared.

 

[KaraBulut]

I really only go for hot guys though, and those are usually the hardest ones to hold onto.

But this- in itself- is as much of a mixed message.

If you're picking guys based solely upon whether they're hot, then you're not necessarily looking for a relationship either.

 

[TX-Beau]

Every time I said that it was because some guy had jumped too far too fast.

I'm not commitment shy, but frankly, if after one month some guy was sending commitment signals I'd probably bail.

For me - and a whole lot of other guys, that's way too soon to be getting "serious."

If this is happening consistently, maybe your expectations are a little unrealistic. God knows I read your list of things the guy has to be and inwardly cringed - because it looks like you're trying to make the guy fit your pre-conceived perfect notions rather than taking the guys as you find them.

You will never find that guy you described. he doesn't exist, and if you go through life auditioning guys for perfect guy you're going to die alone.

All guys have faults. All of them. Including you.

 

[dhchitown1984]

ah I love that line... "I'm not ready." I used that line all the time for a while.... and then I realized that if my prince charming walked into the room 20 minutes after using the line and said to me "Let's date, you're my boyfriend, are you ready?" I would've said "Why yes, I've been looking for a relationship!"

"I'm not ready for a relationship" really means "I'm not ready for a relationship....... ..........with you." It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or him for that matter. It just wasn't clicking.

Unfortunately, disappointment is a part of dating. It's just the way it goes. You meet people, you like them, they don't like you back... BAM! You're disappointed. You don't like them as much as they like you and you drop them.... BAM! You tell your buddies about the stage-5 clinger you just got off your back and take a victory lap. Sometimes you're the winner, sometimes your not.

Your 5-star good looks and your shiny diploma and your expendable income don't make you a good catch. Less quantity, more quality in your salespitch and you maybe you could get a little further next time.

You'll land someone in due time. Just be patient.

 

[future_retro]

It means he's not that interested in you. And the fact that you find this so hard to believe could be one reason why. Sorry, but you come across as quite arrogant.

 

[Ninja108]

99% of the time, it means just what it sounds like. That he isn't looking for a relationship with you.

 

[sixthson]

I hate it when these old threads get resurrected because the OP, especially newbies, never come back to read them. Nevertheless, this is a good topic.

The real question is: What does a relationship mean? Hotness is no foundation for a relationship. That's just sex.

Why bother with a relationship if love is not the foundation?

 

[Nomenclature]

It's complicated, and it doesn't always mean the same thing.

Sometimes, it means that the guy really just doesn't have his shit together, and can't be in a relationship the way he'd like to be. Other times, it means that he's met someone else. It can also mean that he wants to have sex with 9,001 people and is breaking it off with you because he knows you'd want to be monogamous.

 

[redips]

Because he did seem to want to date me when we first started getting to know one another. He would always talk about things we could do in the future together, etc. But I think once things started becoming more serious, he got scared.

You know, I had a VERY similar situation happen to me.

I'd say that, trust your gut feeling when you're trying to figure out whether he's genuinely into you or not. If you feel that he's really into you, then maybe he really isn't "ready," whatever that means, especially if he's fresh out of a 5-year relationship. People need time to heal, and perhaps he wants to make sure that he's not using you as a rebound, that his feelings for you are real.

I asked a guy to commit about a 1.5 months after we first met. He gave me the "not ready" line, and I didn't know what to think. In hindsight, I suppose 1.5 months was a little soon. In your original post, it sounded like you were running along a similar timeline. I guess some guys wanted to make sure they think you're the one before committing to you.

Here's what happened to me: we basically hooked up once, and early on, he was the one who was coming strongly after me. I really really liked him, but I was really resisting the urge to date him at the time because I thought we'd be incompatible in some ways. Of course, weeks later, we started hanging out more, blah blah blah, things happened, I (and I think we both) fell, we started "dating," and I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said he wasn't ready, and I wondered, "what the heck?..." I thought that it was code for "I'm not into you," so I told him we should take this more slowly then, so I don't fall further for him. He assured me it wasn't the case. He said he'd be ready at some point, and then about another 1.5 months later, he came to me and asked for a relationship with me.

So what happened? I don't know. Maybe I'm naive, and perhaps he's really not that into me. (Who knows? Time will tell.) But, he always wants to be with me, he texts/calls me all the time, he always wants to hang out; he is very affectionate towards me; he talks to his friends about me all the time. So I got the feeling that he does care, and perhaps he really just wasn't ready at the time.

Maybe he wanted to fuck a few more people before committing to fuck one person for the rest of his life. Maybe. Maybe he was scared. Perhaps.

So, I guess I really don't know, and I really don't know what to tell you. I'd say go with your gut feeling. If you think he really cares about you, and that he's really into you, give him some more time. A few months is really not that long, so I can understand if someone's really not ready to commit. Meanwhile, if this stretches to half a year or more, and you start becoming uncomfortable, approach it again and decide.

Also, I'd say that the "boyfriend" label and the idea of a relationship probably have more/less meaning to different people, so perhaps it is a bit unfair to gauge his reaction based on you'd do yourself.

Anyway, it's just my 2c. I'm unsure about this myself, and unfortunately, only time will tell... Good luck.

 

[slnattak]

If a guy is going out of his way to be hot, which is a conscious lifestyle choice, then he's obviously more interested in the approval and respect of other people rather than one special person.

So your soulmate and true love is probably on the ugly side, or at the very least: Plain and boring and you are harshly judging him, because you only want somebody hot.

But think of it this way. If somebody is hot, then they don't care about you, they're caring about how most people see them. If this wasn't the case, then they wouldn't go so much out of their way to stay attractive. Even if you're naturally good looking it takes a lot of work and effort to appear attractive to others.

So point blank: You're simply being shallow. You say you want somebody to share your heart with, yet he also has to be hot. And you're frustrated with how arrogant and snobby 'hot guys' reject you, but they're obviously being hot for attention and to attract the world's love, not special romantic love. If you want 'special romantic love' then you have to give more normal guys a chance and not look for this super hot ideal that only exists in your head.

My point is you're being just as cruel and mean as the gay guys you're dissing as being cruel and mean, because your standards are all wonky. A heart has nothing at all to do with how good somebody looks on the outside- Or let me make it clear. It DOES matter, but it's not based on romantic love, it's based on mainstream appeal. It's like popular music. It's sweet, but it was obviously made for you to like it without any originality.

 

[slnattak]

Look how hot gay porn stars are. They are homoerotic in the most ideal possible way, yet they still probably wouldn't treat you like the way you want to be treated because they have slept with so many other hot guys and they only have sex for the money, fame and positive attention.

And maybe your lover is the guy that's a little chubby or even has the DREADED MAN BOOBS. Maybe the poor sod is 450 pounds, but he'll treat you like a prince. And yes, you're the asshole for rejecting him for such shallow reasons and trying to make all these hot, shallow people your lover just because they're hot. They see right through you, and that's the reason they're treating you like crap: And you're also buying into the attractive narcissists #1 fear: That other people only want them because they're rich and beautiful. So therefore, they treat you with contempt and hate.

So what do you really want here? I think you're just confused! You don't know if you want lust or love and you're trying to combine the two. But lust will always be lust, and love will always be love.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

It means he's not ready for an exclusive committed relationship. He still wants to see other people and don't want to be tied down with one person. He's looking for friends with benefits for now.

BINGO. "I'm not ready for a relationship" really means "I'm way too hot to settle down with one guy. I'm gonna get it while I can!"