What happens when...

[rain09]

What happens when you're a horny college student who's with someone you actually love (not marriage kind of love but love nonetheless), when your circumstances separate you and your boyfriend across hundreds of miles over the summer, leaving you to substitute phone calls and text messages for physical presence and pillow talk?

What do you do when the communication between the two of you is so robust you can discuss anything, so that even when you start going out and visiting Gay clubs in the town you're temporarily in, you're not afraid to be 100% honest with your boyfriend even when you fuck up and let someone make out with you while you're drunk and having a good time?

How do you talk through your desires to simultaneously want a relationship in the coming fall, and the 24/7 phone support you've been receiving the whole summer with your significant other, while also understandably wondering what some of the local flavors might be like...

How do you reconcile the reality of wanting to have sex with other attractive guys (you are in college of course!) with wanting the stability of an enduring and trusting relationship?

My bf and I broke up recently, and I feel like it has to do with the fact that I was honest about how I was feeling about other guys. I mentioned the possibility of an open relationship and all, but that just made him extremely jealous, if he wasn't jealous enough before. And then of course when I jerked off on Skype with someone else [obviously not my bf] who's hundreds of miles away, I get an epiphany, and think it would be the right thing to do to be honest and tell my bf exactly what I did, and maybe figure out why I went through with it.

I think for him that was the last straw. He just broke up with me, and when he called me he seemed pretty convinced in the tone of his voice that I just don't love him as much as he loves me. That I just don't care, because these clearly grave fuck-ups (three months into our long-distance set up) just prove I can't be trusted. I guess I just believed what he told me, and I didn't feel like putting up a fight. Instead of summoning up an elaborate and graceful response, like I might normally do, I just found myself collapsing under the exhaustion of the idea of an imminent break up. And at the precise moment, I just didn't care enough to argue.

I don't know what else to say right now. If anyone has some kind of advice, or words of encouragement, please share them. If you have questions, ask. I'm not crying right now, but I am very much taking the time to think about things carefully right now.

 

[maxer343]

Just telling the truth is the easiest way.

 

[evanrick]

dont be so hard on yourself. im not saying its true by any means but partners will often accuse the other of "cheating" as a cover for their own indiscretion. probably not the case here but ideas have to be different especially in long distance relationships.

now it would depend on how you felt if your bf did the same thing, would you feel betrayed? it seems there's just an unbalanced level of commitment here.

 

[genthree]

"an open relationship" = I am still looking, something better may turn up.
This is different from the odd fuck up.(fidelity accident)

 

[Seasoned]

Life is essentially about choices. We tend to forget that saying yes to something means saying no to lots of other things. Choosing a black car means saying no to all the other colors. Choosing a single scoop of ice cream at 31 flavors means saying no to 30 others.

I've been in a relationship for 28 years. Saying yes to him, oh, well, you get the idea.

 

[rain09]

We've been in different towns the whole summer basically. He's still at school, hanging with all of our mutual friends and whatnot, and I'm working 40 hour weeks trying to save up for a car. An emerging trend has basically been that I've been getting lonelier and lonelier, to the point that phone calls don't feel like they satisfy my needs. Meanwhile he's hanging out with friends almost on a daily basis. This is something I miss, but I can't actually do right now.

I know I've done a few things that are wrong here, but it also feels like he doesn't understand what it's like to be somewhere else without your friends, and just working. It gets lonely. When you find someone who actually has a car and they're willing to take you out, it's like they're a lifeline in some way. A lifeline away from utter boredom and loneliness.

Seasoned, you make a very good point about choices. I think it just was a little less clear for me, since it was long-distance. That, and our relationship hasn't yet evolved to the level of commitment that could sustain us for the summer. Honestly, I fear we made a mistake in getting together before the summer started (as opposed to just letting it be and waiting until the fall) KNOWING we'd have to deal with shit like this.

Right now I don't know where I truly stand. My best friend (in the same town as my ex) is implying that I get on my knees and beg my ex for forgiveness, basically. Instead, I'm leaning towards just letting it go, and making the most of the remainder of the summer.

 

[rain09]

Thanks for your support guys. I just need to vent a little.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's no clear answer to your situation because it depends on what the two of you agreed upon beforehand.

If the two of you had a relationship and the terms of that relationship were that you remained monogamous both in the real world and the virtual world, then you broke the terms of the relationship.

If there wasn't a discussion about this before he moved away, well... then the time for honesty was before you had your slip-ups.

 

[scooter63]

Have you shared any of the stuff that you have written here to describe what your feelings are, how you felt about him, the two of you, and about what you did and possibly why with him? Has he heard any of this? And from your own mouth maybe? How about copying what you wrote and sending it to him?