My tendency to feel deceived by sex without even needing to actually perform it, let alone pay for it (yes, I am talking about ho-hiring) seems to be becoming something truly solid, and my tendency to replace it with the satisfaction I derive from my work (not just "work" but "my" work) is obviously giving proof that my old obsession for hos, apart from my necessary longing from real experiences in sex, was basically an escapade from a world that did not seem to be leading to be put together, as it seems now, now that the more I work and succeed the less I feel the need of other passing experiments and experiences... experiences that I could as well have got from my imagination without having had to suffer them... oh, well, it is true that, for invention of situations and detail, I could hardly have fancied better, but surely I can depict more vividly even a fancied experience than an actually lived one... even though the one can be in itself the other already...
So, my tendency to repose and self-control, and satisfaction and composure which, in years past, had been perverted into depression and insecurity, may be finding its way, finally, through that other tendency towards incessant satisfaction and spurring at the same time of curiosity and hunger for more and more of what puts all that more together, that is, in my own personal, unique way, such as everybody can have the opportunity of fostering and developing, which had also been rotten to a sad of neurotic excitement... yeah, I know it is all as confused and confusing as ever, but I WANTED to write down something of it, somehow, before tomorrow morning...
