What if I don't want to be gay.

[showmeyourworld]

OMG i know exactly wot u mean... because i ask myself that question all the fukn time! its true why cant we all be born with a "gayness on/gaynessoff" switch that would make life soooooooo much easier" maybe they will invent one sumday lol!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Cannottell,

Welcome to JUB! Its great to have you here and its good to see you posting about something thats worrying you. Theres plenty of guys here who have been where you are and who will offer you nothing but support.

And thats exactly the thing to remember. You are not alone... and you are not the first to feel this way. Quite a lot of us as gay men have battled to reconcile what we thought our lives should have been with the reality of who we are. Its a combination of things... fear of hurting or disappointing the ones we love and care about, what we're brought up to beleive, what society wants us to think, what we think is happiness... that make us feel the way you do right now.

Mate... its easy to see just in the few short lines that you've posted here that you are a guy who feels deeply, who cares and is concerned about how his life might be. Theres so much more to you than who you are attracted to. You're a complex and individual soul... the way you love, laugh, care and protect... the way you cry, the way you go about your day and the values you live your life by - these are the things that make you the guy that those close to you love and cherish. And those things will never change.

Being gay isnt a choice... but nor is it a sentence. Its simply another small part in your puzzle. It takes time to understand that... dont beat yourself up or try to rush this. Self acceptance is a process that is as unique as you are. You've asked a question that means you already understand a lot... but acceptance of yourself is what you are working on... and thats a fantastic sign.

You have an unlimited future Cannottell, being gay doesnt change that. Your dreams and goals are still yours. Yes your life will be a little different from "normal". But that in no way means it will exclude you from love and happiness. Those are things within your reach and your control.

You dont have to fit any stereotypes, you wont change who you are when you finally come to understand yourself... if your worried that by saying the words that you'll somehow stop being the guy you are - dont. Its hard I know... I was where you are for the longest time. But since those days have gone I've found that by being honest with myself life has become simpler and easier. I'm not carrying around the expectations of others - or myself anymore. And I know that one day you too will reach that point.

For now Cannottell, just spend some time here. Look around, and realize that you are surrounded by thousands of new friends... normal everyday guys. Guys at varying stages of the struggle you are going through. Its then you'll realize just how normal your fears are... and that you;re going to be ok. More than ok.

You are going to be you. And thats the best thing you can do!!!

 

[angelus]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but... what if I don't want to be. Is there a way I can just change my sexuality? It's pretty straight forward and there's not much else I need to say. Does anybody else have this problem. I want to get married and have kids one day. I want to have a wife, and a beautiful one. But... my dick just doesn't agree, if you get what I mean. What can I do?

Whoa people. I know you've probably heard this a million times before, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. I can totally understand that the pressures to have the beautiful wife and kids is great, but have you ever asked yourself why you want that? I'd bet that if you looked at it closely, you only want that because that's what you've been told your entire is the normal thing to want.

You have stop and think about this really hard. What your dick wants, is the most basic and honest manifestation of what you want. At the same time I'm not advocating some animalistic behaviour in people, but perhaps, just maybe, there is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with people of the same sex as you.

The idea that same-sex relationships is wrong, is something that is socially conditioned from the moment that we're born. As for wanting to get married and have kids, being gay does not preclude you from that dream, it's totally normal to want that, and it's also totally normal to not want that. Anyway, really you need to think long and hard about who you are, and what you truly want.

 

[heymikey]

OK, I may receive a lot of scorn from other members for this, but have you looked at ex-gay/reparative therapy? I know this is very controversial but it's something that you may look into. Yes, being gay is not a choice since I am gay myself, but if you feel that you're not happy with your sexuality, then it's something worth looking into. Either that, or you just have to learn to love and accept yourself. But if you feel that you can't do that (who am I to argue, it's your life), then you can try pursuing other options. Some popular ones are Exodus and Love In Action.

 

[probeteam1]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but... what if I don't want to be. Is there a way I can just change my sexuality? It's pretty straight forward and there's not much else I need to say. Does anybody else have this problem. I want to get married and have kids one day. I want to have a wife, and a beautiful one. But... my dick just doesn't agree, if you get what I mean. What can I do?

Hi, CannotTell.
I'm pretty sure that if yo don't want to be gay, you're pretty much out of luck - if it were a simple as just "deciding to be straight," you'd have done it by now. Likewise, I haven't heard of much in the way of success in most "ex-gay" programs.

There are ways to have at least part of what you want and still be gay. You can still have a spouse, still possibly raise a family, and (depending on where you live) still be respected in the community. Sure, it might be harder to do many of these things if you're gay, but they're not precisely guaranteed to straight people either.


... if you're gay, why do you want a beautiful wife?

 

[olides74]

Hi, CannotTell.
I'm pretty sure that if yo don't want to be gay, you're pretty much out of luck - if it were a simple as just "deciding to be straight," you'd have done it by now. Likewise, I haven't heard of much in the way of success in most "ex-gay" programs.

The best way I've heard it put is this:

Am I gay? The answer: Yes, but I don't want to be.
Now, consider this: What part of that answer can you change?​

 

[Telstra]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but... what if I don't want to be. Is there a way I can just change my sexuality? It's pretty straight forward and there's not much else I need to say. Does anybody else have this problem. I want to get married and have kids one day. I want to have a wife, and a beautiful one. But... my dick just doesn't agree, if you get what I mean. What can I do?

Yes, people have this problem but:

You are born gay and there is NO way you can change that.
I hope you would not lie to yourself and have kids because of family/external pressures.

 

[StlKj]

OK, I may receive a lot of scorn from other members for this, but have you looked at ex-gay/reparative therapy? I know this is very controversial but it's something that you may look into. Yes, being gay is not a choice since I am gay myself, but if you feel that you're not happy with your sexuality, then it's something worth looking into. Either that, or you just have to learn to love and accept yourself. But if you feel that you can't do that (who am I to argue, it's your life), then you can try pursuing other options. Some popular ones are Exodus and Love In Action.

And if you do check them out, just be aware that many "ex-gays" will admit to still struggling with desires, but they just suppress them. Yes, they shove who they are way down inside and force themselves to live as straights.

Also be aware that high-profile ex-gays, people who have actually moved up in the movement and held positions of power and influence, have come out as ex-ex-gays, or been caught in gay bars by diligent guys who just waited for them to show their true colors.

Do you believe life is about forcing yourself to be something you just don't really feel, or do you believe it's about accepting yourself as you are and then being the best version of that you can be?

 

[drhladnjak]

Please stay away from so-called ex-gay groups. The best you can hope for is convincing yourself to be celibate for the rest of your life. Even if you were to someday get that wife, do you think it would be fair to her that you're not really interested in her? Doesn't she deserve a guy whose dick gets hard for her? If you do some reading around the net on the ex-gay movement, you'll find that it doesn't work for the overwhelming majority of guys who try it. Some speculate that those who do make it through successfully are probably bi and just suppressing their interest in the same sex. More importantly, you'll find out that a lot of guys who've gone through these programs end up worse off emotionally than before they started.

Look, it's hard. Even most of out gay men didn't want to be gay at some point. Eventually, we learned to embrace it on our terms. These days there's nothing preventing you from having the house with the white picket fence, kids and a beautiful husband if that's what you want. Sure, it's not as easy as accidentally knocking up some girl followed by a shotgun wedding, but it's very, very doable.

 

[rareboy]

What can I do?

You can get counselling to help you come to terms with your gay sexuality and thereby possibly live a full and rewarding life.

 

[eat-my-goal]

Luckily enough for me is that I am bi-sexual. I too have dreams of being a great husband and a great dad to my children. There is no "gay cure" really, it's who you are and unfortunately you have to live with it or live a lie.

 

[radioian]

Yes, you can always have a kid later on, with an obliging Lesbian..........I did--and Im so happy I did! Nothing is insurmountable, you are who you are...................................enjoy life, and look at situations from ALL angles, not just the percieved "usual" pattern of events........

 

[TomahawkEagle]

I feel exactly the same way. I don't see anything "wrong" with being gay but I would like to father children or have the option to do so.

 

[rareboy]

Just remember as well, there is a huge difference in wanting to father a child versus wanting to be a father to a child. Make sure you're committed to the latter, not the former.

And last I checked, there is no reason you can't. Yiou just have to be creative. And that shouldn't be trouble for a gay guy.

 

[RAvenew]

It is very depressing that gay men can't procreate together. I recently went through a depression about who I am. The best thing I can say is, adjust to yourself. We cannot tell you what to do, but as a gay man I wish you could accept it. You will probably not listen because a person who doesn't want to help themselves, just wont accept charity help either. That seems so negative but its true, and I wish I knew where you were coming from.

 

[Dman007]

...hard question to answer

 

[josepharm]

Education is the best answer. There are many good books at the library and bookstore. Being guy is your path in this life. Learn from it. Dealing with adversity can help you grow spiritually and intellectually. There are many websites and groups to help you. You don't have to be alone. It's your choice to be alone or not.

Sexuality is not a light switch you can turn on or off. It is an innate part of you. Don't listen to the hate mongers out there. They are just uneducated and do not understand.

That is why I say education is your best defense. You are OK and a good person. Your sexuality doesn't define your character. It's how you treat others and yourself.

I wish you the best. You are in good company.

 

[Love_chair]

Hey (Cannottell) there are some grate advice here and everyone is right being gay is not a choice I believe it's nature people are born that way I don't believe it is changeable it's just another piece of your puzzle and I believe your going to be fine and I wish you all the best you take care now

 

[Seasoned]

The coming out process begins with oneself. There is help for you as you make your way, including professional. If you go that route find someone who will help you move forward. Avoid trying to change. It will have very stong negative effects.

Good wishes to you. You are not alone even though you feel you are.

 

[BoyisMen]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, but... what if I don't want to be. Is there a way I can just change my sexuality? It's pretty straight forward and there's not much else I need to say. Does anybody else have this problem. I want to get married and have kids one day. I want to have a wife, and a beautiful one. But... my dick just doesn't agree, if you get what I mean. What can I do?

I'm in the same situation. I have come to terms with myself that I am attracted to guys, but I really can't see myself leaving a gay life (don't mean that as no disrespect or anything). I have nothing against gays, I don't have any problems with gay lifestyles, I don't think it's wrong or not normal. But at the same time, I refuse to let my sexuality dictate my life. That may sound oximoron or irrelevant, given as it's who you are and you can't really change that. But at the same time, it's only a part of who I am and I don't want that part to make who I am as a whole.

I wish the gay community would not be so down on those men (and women) who choose not to live a gay lifestyle. I mean, isn't the whole idea is to let people live their lives as they wish? I think being gay is one thing and choosing to live a gay lifestyle is another thing and if someone doesn't want to live that lifestyle, it's that person's choice and nobody elses. I don't think name calling or finger pointing or looking down upon those people who made a decision for one reason or another is right for anyone. Nobody's situation is exactly the same and you never know what any person is going through. I wish gay community spent less time in trying to force gay people to live the gay lifestyle and instead advocate the freedom to live the life as one wishes.

I know, I know, the typical responce are going to be, "you're lying to yourself, the wife you marry, etc". I don't think that's necessarily true, and again should be left to the conscience of that person.

I too want a family, a beautiful wife and kids. While it is partly because of the pressure from the family/community, it's not just that.

I don't pretend I have the answer to anything, I just present my opinion and I wish people would let it stand and not try to put me down for living my life as I choose to.