What if I don't want to be gay.

[bluedragon4]

OK, I may receive a lot of scorn from other members for this, but have you looked at ex-gay/reparative therapy? I know this is very controversial but it's something that you may look into. Yes, being gay is not a choice since I am gay myself, but if you feel that you're not happy with your sexuality, then it's something worth looking into. Either that, or you just have to learn to love and accept yourself. But if you feel that you can't do that (who am I to argue, it's your life), then you can try pursuing other options. Some popular ones are Exodus and Love In Action.

I agree with going to those places......to find dates!!! I would join cause you know they are all fucking and the sexual tension must be crazy! What great gay sex these men must have!!! But you are who you are. I would love to have blue eyes but I have brown. I could get colored contacts to hide them but at the end of the day they are still brown. And the "gay lifestyle" is like any other lifestyle. It has it's ups and downs. Life is hard no matter who you sleep with. Do you really wanna be an old man finally being free with who you always were only to realize you missed the best years of your life and that potential special someone? I find that the saddest thing of all.

 

[ks110x]

I'm in the same situation. I have come to terms with myself that I am attracted to guys, but I really can't see myself leaving a gay life (don't mean that as no disrespect or anything). I have nothing against gays, I don't have any problems with gay lifestyles, I don't think it's wrong or not normal. But at the same time, I refuse to let my sexuality dictate my life. That may sound oximoron or irrelevant, given as it's who you are and you can't really change that. But at the same time, it's only a part of who I am and I don't want that part to make who I am as a whole.

I wish the gay community would not be so down on those men (and women) who choose not to live a gay lifestyle. I mean, isn't the whole idea is to let people live their lives as they wish? I think being gay is one thing and choosing to live a gay lifestyle is another thing and if someone doesn't want to live that lifestyle, it's that person's choice and nobody elses. I don't think name calling or finger pointing or looking down upon those people who made a decision for one reason or another is right for anyone. Nobody's situation is exactly the same and you never know what any person is going through. I wish gay community spent less time in trying to force gay people to live the gay lifestyle and instead advocate the freedom to live the life as one wishes.

I know, I know, the typical responce are going to be, "you're lying to yourself, the wife you marry, etc". I don't think that's necessarily true, and again should be left to the conscience of that person.

I too want a family, a beautiful wife and kids. While it is partly because of the pressure from the family/community, it's not just that.

I don't pretend I have the answer to anything, I just present my opinion and I wish people would let it stand and not try to put me down for living my life as I choose to.

You've obviously been brought up to strongly want the same things most straight guys do: the hot wifey, 2.3 kids, and dog. Socially this would also be a lot easier than dealing with who you really are being that person publicly.

In the end the urge is most likely going to win out. You'll probably end up cheating on your wife sexually with men. You might get caught or you might not. Be aware though of the very real damage you can do to yourself and the people who you have unarguably been very dishonest with (wife + kids).

I won't pretend to approve to spare your feelings since you are admittedly so willing to deceive people to achieve your goal. I personally think this is a terribly selfish thing to do. I highly recommend seeking professional mental help.

 

[drhladnjak]

Look, I don't live a lifestyle. I live my life. The reality is that every gay man has to live his own life on his own terms. Sure, some enjoy more stereotypically gay activities but others don't. Each guy has to find what works for him. In the end, an attraction to men is the only thing that groups us together and the only requirement for being gay.

 

[spreadeagle]

You can't change your sexuality but you can change the way you express (or repress) it. If you don't want to be gay you may find being simply homosexual more acceptable.

Being homosexual does not preclude fatherhood. Before the invention of homosexuality in the nineteenth century and its morphing into gayness in the 20th century, men-who-loved-men routinely married women and fathered families - some were happy and some were miserable - just like heterosexuals. This is still the default position for homosexuals in many cultures.

Ultimately you have to choose whether you prefer to embody conformity or individuality. Those who choose the comfort of conformity over the authentic expression of their individuality often find that it comes at a cost. Be careful what you wish for - it may come true.

 

[yeeeaaahhh]

Hello amigo,
So, here is what I have to say:
1. I totally can relate with you. (More so in my past, when I was not so accepting of my homosexual orientation) but Sometimes I feel the same way. I want to marry a woman and have kids and have "normal" life with a "normal" family and all that. And, it's still tempting. But, IDK, I'm becoming less and less convinced of the "normal" part of that.
2. If you really hate the idea of being gay, I have heard plenty of people claming to be able to change their sexual orientation. A lot of people here in JUB will tell you that that is absurd and it cannot happen, but that is because they fear the idea that sexuality can be changed. Who knows why. But, from what I have heard, it's a long and hard process that does not always work out in the end. Fact is, your biology is telling your brain that man are hot. If you want to change that, you have to change your biology, and that's some hard stuff to do and comes with A LOT of conditioning (I'm actually researching sexual orientation right now; I'll let you know when I know more about the biology and changing of that factor)
3. Perhaps you should just consider the idea of accepting your sexuality and coming to terms with it. That is also a process, one which I (And probably many of the guys here on JUB) are in. Yeah, being gay is different. It's not the social norm. It's hard to come to terms with. But, it's certinally not bad. In fact, I think it's great. Being gay can be a really great thing, if you let it. So, why not give it a shot. Explore your sexuality.
The choice is really yours. Not one choice is better or worse than the other. And, either way, I say more power to you! And I hope that you find what you are looking for!!

 

[rareboy]

I have heard plenty of people claming to be able to change their sexual orientation. A lot of people here in JUB will tell you that that is absurd and it cannot happen, but that is because they fear the idea that sexuality can be changed. Who knows why. But, from what I have heard, it's a long and hard process that does not always work out in the end. Fact is, your biology is telling your brain that man are hot. If you want to change that, you have to change your biology, and that's some hard stuff to do and comes with A LOT of conditioning

And who says science isn't scary kids?

I mean, why bother to work on creating a happy and successful life for yourself; much better to allow religious fundamentalists to make you feel so bad about yourself that you would go to any chemical and psychological lengths to make yourself conform to what others expect you to be.

Fortunately, even the ^ poster suggests just coming to terms with yourself.

 

[yeeeaaahhh]

And who says science isn't scary kids?

I mean, why bother to work on creating a happy and successful life for yourself; much better to allow religious fundamentalists to make you feel so bad about yourself that you would go to any chemical and psychological lengths to make yourself conform to what others expect you to be.

Fortunately, even the ^ poster suggests just coming to terms with yourself.

Don't let this guys lack of understand of my post influence your opinion of it.
I did suggest coming to terms with yourself, but no more than I suggested going through the lengths of changing your sexuality.
Either one is just as good as the other, and you should do what you feel is right for you. Maybe you just aren't meant to be gay, and you should change that (if you can). Maybe you are meant to be gay and you just need to come to terms with it (if you can). Do what will make you most happy, becaues at the end of the day it's your life, and you need to live it the way that you want too. And don't feel rushed. Maybe right now you want to change it. Perhaps in a while you will want to be gay and just become okay with it. There is absolutly no shame in that.

Rareboy clearly did not understand that both were great and acceptable avenues to fixing your issue. He focused on the "accept yourself" route. (What did I tell you about guys on JUB being completely terrified about the idea of "changing your sexuality... don't listen to that shit.)

 

[Candyapple]

I know, I know, the typical responce are going to be, "you're lying to yourself, the wife you marry, etc". I don't think that's necessarily true, and again should be left to the conscience of that person.

I too want a family, a beautiful wife and kids. While it is partly because of the pressure from the family/community, it's not just that.

I don't pretend I have the answer to anything, I just present my opinion and I wish people would let it stand and not try to put me down for living my life as I choose to.

Of course you have the right to live your life as you choose to. But so, however, does this 'beautiful wife' you want to have. If a woman chooses to marry you, knowing that you're gay, fair enough. But if you marry a woman without telling her about your true sexuality, then yes, that's a huge deception, and you're depriving her of the right to make informed choices about her own life and marriage. But what do I know? If your 'conscience' tells you that lying to your wife is acceptable, I don't suppose anything I might write here will stop you.

 

[bluedragon4]

I also love how several guys don't want to be gay and are gonna marry beautiful wives but they are on a gay porn site. You wanna be straight so bad than you shouldn't be on here. And it's selfish to screw up these "beautiful wives" just so you can feel "normal". You can NEVER change who you really are. Save yourselves a lot of grief and misery(and the misery of these woman you will marry) and come to terms with the facts of who you are. There was a thread on here from a woman named Nancy? I think her name was Nancy. She wrote how her husband got caught in the park. It was a sad thread and it destroyed her. Please search that out and look into your future.

 

[Art1eJ]

You are who you are take a long look at yourself and decide wether you want to live a lie or be who you are and accept who you are, Not everyone will like it but no one in life accepts everyone/thing.....

 

[nihilis]

There's a lot in life that we don't want. For some of us, being gay tops that list. The question becomes whether you're going to make the best of your situation or fight it all the way. Fighting it, hating it, getting depressed about it etc isn't going to change the situation. We all go through various stages of this though, but the sooner you get past these feelings, the sooner you can start to come up with a plan on how to deal with your current situation. Don't overwhelm yourself, make small changes, and someday soon you'll be living a better life.

I'm going through this now myself. I know I cannot live another year in the closet, and I've already slowly started changing my outlook and the way I present myself to people. By this time next year, things will be different. You should set a goal and work towards it, even if you don't get completely there, you're still working towards making progress.

 

[drhladnjak]

I did suggest coming to terms with yourself, but no more than I suggested going through the lengths of changing your sexuality.
Either one is just as good as the other, and you should do what you feel is right for you.

Sorry, but I have to disagree. Each one is not as good as the other, if by 'good' you mean more likely to reach resolution, more likely to not hurt yourself and more likely not hurt others around you.

More guys fail trying to change their sexuality than succeed. Many spend years (some their whole lives) suffering only to fail even. Many of those guys bring unsuspecting women and children into that struggle, which is simply not fair to them. Even those who succeed in suppressing their urges don't wake up one day and have no interest in men. There is no resolution on that path, only a drawn out struggle.

On the other hand, coming to terms with yourself tends to be easier and faster. It's not instant and not a walk in the park, but most guys that go down that path succeed. They end up in relatively well-adjusted lives. Many get boyfriends, some have kids. And they almost always do it within a few years.

 

[seven_sins]

The key item in your original post is your statement, "But... my dick just doesn't agree, if you get what I mean." You cannot retrain your dick. It will always be in command. Accept your orientation and be proud of it.

 

[3x3is9]

You know, you should be GLAD that you're gay. Sure, it runs against the norm, and there will probably be a lot of conflict to go with it, but conflict makes you stronger. For the most part, the gay people I know are a hell of a lot more free than the majority of straight people. Too many people have a hard time accepting themselves, whether they be straight or gay, and are really unhappy because of it. Gay people have an advantage in that our current society kinda forces us to deal with it, since it is such an obvious difference. You'll be all the more stronger when you accept yourself.

Life is too short to live it unhappy. It is YOUR life, and you have to live it the way YOU want to live, and clearly your body is telling you that you enjoy the company of men. Why deny yourself that comfort just to fit in to a social standard? Now, about the wife and kids: Depending on where you actually live, you can still be with a man and have kids. As for the friends: You would be surprised how accepting your friends can be once they realize that they actually know someone who is gay. If they don't accept that, it is truly their loss. Besides, if you're not yourself when you're with them, then they aren't really YOUR friends anyway, are they?

I think the problem with a lot of people, is that the stereotypical straight lifestyle must seem so "easy" compared to stereotypical gay lifestyle. Finding a man is no harder than finding a woman; it's just different. Pretending to be something that you're not is ALWAYS more difficult than just being who you are, in almost all cases (with the exception if you're living in a place where gays are in physical danger).

I wish you the best of luck in your journey to acceptance. Most of us have been there, and we have all survived. Good luck!

 

[TygreBryte]

Although I resent the fact that there is still all this societal baggage about it being preferable to be straight than gay, I am *done* with wanting to be straight.

Yeeaahhh, to the extent that people are "threatened" by all the people who "claim to be able to change their sexuality," I sort of expect that it might be because so many of us tried, suffered for it, and failed to do it, and we've seen other people trying it, suffering for it, and failing, or we know too many straight guys -- preachers included! -- who are on the downlow. And we think the down-low is kinda low-down.

Maybe it's threatening because it holds up false hopes to our loved ones, who so often can't make the step to figuring out that being gay is just not this big tragedy, and it's not a sentence of doom, or who are slower than molasses at christmas in making that steps. When our loved ones hold these false hopes, it just stands in the way of them getting to know and love us better the way we are.

I'm really with Rareboy and Dr. Hladenjack on this. Sort of surprised rareboy didn't came back again on this one. Maybe the "suffer no fools" failsafe came on.

To the original poster -- I think you probably will end up needing to find some new friends. Some friendly ones, who love you for who you are! Best wishes. I actually know it's a tough row.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I've always pictured myself marrying a beautiful wife and having a few kids. (Yes, I wanted a dog too)

And there's nothing stopping you from living that dream. You can have all of that. It's just that your beautiful wife is gonna be a guy.

Lex

 

[TygreBryte]

I just wanted to touch back about reparative therapy. After I posted yesterday afternoon, I was out for dinner last night with a friend, who is gay. We talked about the two people who both knew who had tried reparative therapy. He had known them better than I. "They both said it was the most painful thing they'd every gone through. And they both really wanted it." And, it was a complete and utter failure.

We also talked about how, according to these guys, it was pretty much straight from the script of the Southpark episode where Butters gets sent to not-gay camp because he's "bi-curious." All these really queer guys standing up and saying, "I did it, and you can, too!"

So anyway, that's my lifetime count of people who tried reparative therapy: 2 failures.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>So anyway, that's my lifetime count of people who tried reparative therapy: 2 failures.

And, as a counterpoint, let me say that my lifetime count of people who have tried the acceptance therapy - accepting that they're gay, and attempting to live their lives as such - has many many successes.

Lex

 

[evandrosoldati]

Yes, people have this problem but:

You are born gay and there is NO way you can change that.
I hope you would not lie to yourself and have kids because of family/external pressures.

well, there are many theories about this issue and i know i'll totally be shot down from what i'll be saying, but im still going to say.
being gay is a choice.
you choose what routes you want to go and who you want to be.
i'm pretty much a closet bi myself, and i've always know im more gay than straight. that's because i chose it. it would be utmost unfair if you are born gay.
because i choose to watch gay porn and go gay clubs, i make myself vulnerable to these positions. but i know its a choice i make and i have to live with it. infact there are many reasons why someone can be gay.
many times its due to first experiences, lack of bonding with same sex parents, influenced by media or friends, being molested by another men at a young age and etc.
infact i myself love kids and i want kids in future, so i've decided after i'm done having fun i'll settle down with a beautiful wife (probably one as hot as giselle), have 2 kids or enough to make a soccer team, that is if the opportunity ever arise.

I dont find what i do something wrong, even as a gay men, as long as i make it clear to all my boyfriends that the relationship is very casual and that i dont hurt them i have nothing to be worried about.

 

[3x3is9]

...
being gay is a choice.
...

Well, I think it comes down to a definition of the word gay. I suppose in a way you choose to act on your same-sex impulses/desires, but how can you possibly choose who you're attracted to? I think that no person, straight bi or gay, chooses who they find attractive.

As a sidenote to the OP, if you are gay, you can still marry a girl and have kids with her... but you probably won't be happy, and nor will she. It's just like if someone really wants to be a teacher, but they become a lawyer for the rich lifestyle. They will have that rich and coveted lifestyle, but they won't be as happy in life as if they were a teacher. I guess it's really up to you to choose which road you go down, but keep in mind you aren't screwing with just your own life if you pretend to be straight.