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What is normal when it comes to a relationship?

gaysian85

gaysian85

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I'm interested in forming a relationship with a guy I met online but I have no idea how to act or what to do as I literally have never been in a relationship before. How should I go about it? The only relationships I have observed weren't exactly stable. And the fact that I have a phobia of being abandoned doesn't help either but the guy knows about my fear and understands. I really want something to happen here but I don't know what to do.
 
Well, have you met him in real life? That's where you start.
 
It starts with conversation. Look him in the eye. Ask him what he likes to do. Tell him what you like to do. Go get dinner.

It will go from there. :-)
 
Don´t force a relationship with anyone that comes along. Focus on meeting new people, some will become friends which is awesome. If you click with someone, things will move naturally, which is the best way.
 
aaggii said:
Don´t force a relationship with anyone that comes along. Focus on meeting new people, some will become friends which is awesome. If you click with someone, things will move naturally, which is the best way.
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We've been talking online for a couple months now and no one else has shown any interest in me.
 
gaysian85 said:
We've been talking online for a couple months now and no one else has shown any interest in me.
Click to expand...

It works both ways. Why do you expect people to take an interest in you? Wall flowers are plentiful.

Stop moaning, and go fishing.

Die with wonderful memories, not dreams of what might have been.
 
Listen to aaggii.

Don't focus so much on the romantic relationship. The best romances starts with the best friendships.
Get to know him in person and see if he is the same person you talk to online. It takes time to get to know the real person and even more so with people you meet on the internet.
 
The thing is I rarely get any hits online and that is pretty much the only place in my area to meet guys. I can have social anxiety and since I get noticed very rarely, I will take whomever is willing to talk to me. The one site I went about two years before the guy I'm interested in even contacted me.
 
There are no bathhouses in my area. And the closest gay bar is about an hour away from where I live.
 
gayasian85 said:
What is normal when it comes to a relationship?
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What's not clear here is whether you're looking for a relationship or whether you're looking for a relationship with this guy.

Maybe it's time to reset your expectations. Relationships don't just happen- it take luck and a lot of work to have a lasting relationship. Along the way, you have to meet a lot of guys, you have to date a few of them and you have to be lucky enough to find someone with whom you're compatible.

Instead of focusing on this one person, maybe you need to get out there and meet more guys, get to know them and then after you have a little more experience, then look more toward a relationship?
 
For me, a conventional relationship is a monogamous one. Something rare and hard to achieve within the gay world. It seems like you are looking for one of this kind so make sure the other guy is wanting the same for a start. After that, get to know the person. Everything should come by itself if the relationship is meant to be. It is not a computerized process where you have to do something in a given occasion... feelings should kick in at some point... you will understand by yourself.

"Be prepared" to wait a long time, be caught off guard by love, be let down... dramatically, and "expect" a whole lot of other variations. One is never prepared for these things and I don't want to scare you but it can take a while before the real deal... so keep your hopes up, find the determination and don't give in to the shallowness.
 
gaysian85 said:
I'm interested in forming a relationship with a guy I met online but I have no idea how to act or what to do as I literally have never been in a relationship before. How should I go about it? The only relationships I have observed weren't exactly stable. And the fact that I have a phobia of being abandoned doesn't help either but the guy knows about my fear and understands. I really want something to happen here but I don't know what to do.
Click to expand...


If you have "abandonment phobia," you have a phobia which precedes you in any relationship. If the phobia is so intense that you cannot endure the process of getting to know someone without the slightest misstep on his part - or yours - causing you to flee, you really need to think of doing something about that. Fear is not a great leader, and having it as the advance guard in social relationships is going to stop you cold, no matter what suggestions others have made. You already know that any phobia means you misinterpret the physical signals in the world, and should "he" says something like, "have you always had short hair/long hair/pale skin/freckles/..." or whatever, you could misinterpret that to mean, "my hair's to short/long/I look like a ghost/he hates my freckles..." or whatever, when he might have meant, "I like that short hair look on you/ I like pale skin/I love freckles...." You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can do anything with anyone else. And if you're averse to compliments (one of the ways people let you know they like you and your company), it's going to be a long, long road to moving forward in anything substantial.
Are you seeing anyone professionally about this? Social skills can be learned, phobias can be discussed so they are not some mysterious thing that you just live with. But learning to be outside of your mind, which is tripping you up, that's not going to happen by itself. If you've been living with it 10, 20, 30 years, it will take a while (and assistance) for less fearful thoughts to replace what you have become accustomed to.
 
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