What Is The Use?

[rareboy]

When you get home, make sure you make that appointment with a doctor and get the mental health intervention you so desperately need.

In the meantime, make sure that you don't harm anyone or yourself.

 

[Twistedup]

Wow. This thread took me a while to read. You need a change, man. Badly. You need to do something major and different in your life that will help you out.

You need to find a new church, full of new people (this is the first time ever in my life that I have advised ANYONE to go to church).

I hate to go against some of the great advice offered above, but mine is a bit different. I think that if seeking mental help where you are has any chance of leaving you broke and in either the same or a similar situation, then that is a bad idea. I think you should take the resources that you have, while you have them, and start anew. I think you should get rid of your shit, and leave the town you loathe so much and everything in it behind. I think that you should refrain from getting involved in anything that will hold you there.

Have you ever lived anywhere else? Try it. I am still pretty young...and have much wisdom yet to gain...so my advice may seem or be foolish, but the best thing I have ever done for myself is pack up my shit and move the fuck on. I did it all alone with my hometown, and I am currently dealing with doing it again in a new and foreign city. It is hard...but I feel supremely confident that it is better than what would have been had I remained stagnant in my past.

You need to go. You need to take what you truly value and dismiss the rest and just go. Pick a city, a big city. Draw it out of a fucking hat if you need to. Take enough money for a few months rent and pay it in advance when you get there. Then start exploring. Explore the new sidewalks, the new parks, the new people, the new bars, the new churches, the new clubs, the new stores, the new weather, the new birds, the new plants and flowers, the new tv stations, the new foods, the new heartbreaks, and the new contentment if not happiness that has eluded you for so long where you are. Explore and you will find them all.

How can you hate a world that you have not even experienced?

 

[rareboy]

^ you can tell that you're young with little if any experience with mental illness or clinical depression. You need to read the previous posts by this individual and you'll have a better idea of why some of us are recommending medical intervention and assistance.

This isn't a case of feeling down in the dumps or a change is as good as a rest.

This poster is in a very very dark place and exhibits classic symptoms of pathological mental conditions. Which is not a judgemental observation, by the way.

We want scooter 63 to get help and get back in balance. This is critical before he starts a new life anywhere.

So scooter. Please take my advice.

 

[StlKj]

"My sister and brother are now calling me all the time because a little Miss Busy Body saw me having trouble at church one night and called my sister. Now they are concerned. Now they want to get involved. Before it was who cares now they think there is a problem."

Scooter, in the same post where that quote comes from, you are taking your family to task for not caring about you. Then, when they do call out of concern, you take them to task for not having cared before. The contradiction there might not be apparent to you, but it's quite evident to those reading your comments.

You are depressed and in pain. You have been for a long time. Why have you not reached out for some kind of mental help before? That's not a judgmental why--just seeing clarification.

The comment made by another poster about loving yourself first was key. You will do for others over and over again, and then wonder why they don't give you energy back. But what kind of energy do you really ask for from them? You said yourself that you basically back off and almost apologize for taking up space--there is such a lack of respect and love for yourself in that revelation. How are others supposed to see what is worthwhile in you when you don't see it yourself? Taking care of your parents was admirable and probably done out of a great deal of love--but it was also a way for you NOT to focus on yourself and live your own life. Taking care of everyone else does not even sound like something you value anymore, yet you keep doing it. Why?

Coming from a family in which alcoholism and abuse was present is a breeding ground for codependent behavior. You take care of others to be valued, but I would guess you do very little to let others see how much you need them. Of course people take you for granted if you are constantly going out of your way for them but make no real demands on them for reciprocity. I would bet many people you know would reveal that they either don't know you even have problems or don't know how to help you with them because you probably don't let them. Many don't know how to give to someone who doesn't seem capable of taking. And sometimes, when people sense that someone is incredibly wounded, they avoid that person not because they do not care, but because they do not know how to care in a way that would make a difference or would even be accepted.

You're in New Orleans, an amazing city that has weathered a horrible tragedy and stayed strong. It's vibrant and alive--and you're stuck in your room out of fear. Understandable, but it's not circumstances, selfish relatives, ungrateful community members or even being gay that's keeping you in that room--it's your own fear, and your own lack of esteem. You're being stolen from, and you're letting it happen. Why not pack up a bag, get a different room, and get out there to enjoy the city? It is possible to enjoy New Orleans without being attacked or robbed--hell, if you're worried about being robbed, the person you went down with is the one to watch out for.

I don't know you. I don't know if you're a good man, if there's really anything for you to live for. You have to determine that for yourself. I do know you're not the only person who has ever felt this way, nor are you the only person who feels this way now. As alone as you are, you are not completely alone--there are others who understand. But you have to be willing to get help so you can start putting yourself out there.

You want help, or you wouldn't be reaching out in this manner. As rareboy said, this is not the place where you're going to get that help. But you can have my understanding, my compassion, and my concern for your well-being. Others in this thread have offered you those things as well--now you have to decide what to do with them. You want to live--you just want to live without the pain you're in. Death does not have to be the way to get out of that pain. Truly living, rather than just existing, is also a way to get out of that pain.

As far as your beliefs in God go, I would caution you to remember that ending your life would not fit his plan for you. You're so busy praying to end--why not pray to help you find the way to really live?

You want a purpose? How about learning to love yourself and finally really enjoying life? It's not too late, and it could be one hell of an adventure.

Seek help. If you're not sure where to start, feel free to PM me for information. I can't promise you that getting help will instantly make it all better, but I can promise you that doing nothing won't either. Care enough for yourself to take the step.

 

[StlKj]

There is no God. There will be no shack.

If this is all you can contribute in a thread where someone is in pain, then you really should just stfu.

 

[rareboy]

^^ Nice post. Hope It helps the OP.

 

[scooter63]

Well if you remember I had a lot of "IFS" in my last posting about returning or the plan. Well, some of the IFS are happening. I have left New Orleans. I am alive. Right now, it is Thursday morning, I am in a hotel in Illinois and getting ready to get back into the car. Plans are to be at my house very early on Friday morning.

There is an appointment with a doctor waiting for me on Friday. There is also a commitment order waiting for me as well. I have also asked someone to get paperwork ready for me to have when I get back home for financial assistance applications to help pay for drugs and treatment. Any day that I do miss from working is a day I go without any income and the standard bills are there each month to live on. I am crawling back towards that.

The morning that I was going to end things I made a phone call and talked to someone and it prevented me from walking off the bridge into the Mississippi. From there I made several more phone calls and started my journey back. The phone call was a call to say goodbye and also a desperate plea for help I suppose. Any way, it worked as I am still here. I am still hurting and still alone in feelings and not sure what the next 48 hours holds for me.

By the way, the person that I went to New Orleans with, he is returning with me. He is with me now and is helping me get back home. He too is a person running with demons and in the process I think is looking for help as well and we have talked a lot over the last couple days about what we both need. I have told him that we should get ourselves a double room at the hospital and each do our treatments together.

So with him along, I will be safe at least in the car with no chance for me to harm myself via that method.

And it is surprising that once the other guy said that he would return and was in trouble himself, I started to feel a little better myself. Is it the old help someone and compassion for others and a job that needs to be done again? Is it the same thing that I felt and did when I was caring for my parents? Seeing him hurting and needing help has made me feel good to some extent and now see a purpose for my life to help him get over his problems. This is so beyond fucked up.

Any way, I thought I would let you know what is happening. And yes I know this isn't the help line but it was a place to bare my sole, to release what was inside of me and to express my feelings. JUB is kind of like a home for people who really don't have one where everyone accepts people. Even though some of you say and write some rather hurtful things to people, in my thought and mind, it still is a place where we, the gay people, have a place we can call home. That is what I was thinking when I wrote to express my problems. We have no friends so we have mystery online friends.

When I know what happens on Friday, and right now I am planning on making the doctors appointment, my friend is going to drive me there and go with me to make sure that I am there, I will let you know what happens and what my status is.

 

[rareboy]

I wish you only the best as you seek and receive the care and support that you so urgently and desperately need. It is a positive sign of strength that you have taken such decisive and direct approach.

Try to be as receptive as possible and participate in your treatment plan to the fullest extent and I think you'll make incredible strides.

Again, God Bless and best wishes.

 

[Telstra]

By telling your problems on here, you are also helping other people.

 

[Eagle653]

^^^Indeed.

I wish you the very best and I'm glad you're on your way to get help and out of New Orleans.

As you are able, please check in with us in this thread and let us know how you're doing. We care.

 

[scooter63]

I made it to my doctor's appointment this afternoon and spent 2 hours in the clinic. My perscription for medication was filled and I begin the drug treatment therapy tomorrow morning. My first session with the counselor is on Monday afternoon.

I have someone staying in the house with me, I am not allowed to drive my car and they drive me when I need to go and took me to my appointments today and will next week. There will be someone here for the next couple of days and will be with me. All of the IFS came together and I am in treatment. The person who came back with me from New Orleans said he will be here to make sure that I follow through with my treatment plan and that he won't allow me to skip a step.

Will see how things progress and if this leads to a better future for me.

I will stop by and update you as to my progress. It was a very dark venture and a very long and hard journey to take to get back home and into the clinic this morning.

 

[spencer]

I'm so happy for you. The best therapy is watching yourself get better and coming out of the dark. More practice and slow success will help too. Good luck man.

 

[yourally]

If you need to talk, I'm here:

allyigator @ hot mail . com
(no spaces of course) via MSN

just let me know when you can talk, and if I can, I'll get on and we can talk about anything and everything.

Okay?

 

[yourally]

Also, I'm not looking for a hookup, but a friend, so take my msn offer seriously.

I think we could help each other.

And I agree with 99.9% of what you said, minus the no point of going on.

What's the use?

Knowing if you made it through, you could help others find a purpose.

Wouldn't that be cool?

We're all in this craphole called life together, so we might as well try to figure it out before we get run over.

 

[Georgiadude]

I'm glad you are on your way to better days.

I've been in your shoes. I've had similar feelings and thoughts. It can be a very dark, cold and miserable place.

You've taken the first steps. There may be some set backs and things pop up but now you know there is help available and you know how to get it.

Feel free to PM me if you wish. I can always use a new friend.

 

[scooter63]

UPDATE What Is The Use?

Well it has been over a month since I last updated my thread and gave you all an update on how I am doing. First, I want to thank those members who seriously took my thread, my rant, my writings, and my problem and made it their own and wrote replies to tell me that I was valued and worth something and to seek help. I was surprised at the very few negative comments made. I appreciated the concern and even though this all is in the cyber world and no one really knows any one, it is the closest many of have to a support system.

I have been on my anti-depressant medication since the 25th of April and have a second follow-up with my doctor on the medication issue. He sees improvement in me and I do feel a little more balanced. I describe it as a leveling as it has evened out my highs and lows. I don't get up as high and I don't crash as low. I still can feel it but is just seems more manageable and tolerable. My doctor is planning on keeping me on this for the next 6 months with an evaluation after that point to see how I am doing and whether I should continue or if they can try and wean me off it.

Today, I had my second session with my therapist and we spent time talking over how I have been since we last met and how I am handling things. We developed an action plan for treatment and it has four components to it with the first one being getting a job and getting back into the work force full time, the second being a support system for being gay and accepting my life, the third one is relationship, and the fourth one is overcoming the negative view point of my life internally. My therapist discussed with me that he feels that one and three will go hand in hand and by accomplishing one it will help me accomplish three. The hardest one will be the support system just because of location of where I live relative to the larger gay community and the support groups or types of groups available. My therapist felt that because I am seeking, in his words desperately, a relationship that I have been making bad choices over the years which has just compounded the problems and issues that I have and with everything else going on it was just more stuff piled on top of everything else and it got out of control.

I feel confident with my therapist and doctors, I like them, I trust them, and I feel that they really care about me and what happens to me and that they really do want to make me better. I feel totally free and confident to discuss with them any thing I want and made it clear to them from the beginning that I was gay and that they needed to know that.

I have several more appointments scheduled with my therapist for over the summer and will be receptive to suggestions, ideas, and comments from them. I have made several phone calls to friends who I have left out and who have wondered why over the past years contact with me has been so irratic. It was a very hard conversation with each but they have all been great and they understand now why things were the way they were and they have been so supportive of me and where I am at in life and the struggles that I am going through. Some have not gone as well nor as receptive or supportive and those I have pretty much left alone. Either they will adjust to it and come to terms with my mental illness and the problems that I have and turn into supportive friends or the friendship was never really something to value any way.

I have also been active in the search for employment both temporary and full time. I still don't have the full energy to spend hours searching but I am getting things done slowly and spend time each day. That is progress on its own compared to where I was. I am hoping that by the end of summer I can have something better. Finances are a big issue right now and a big worry. I will have to do what it takes to get by and if that means continuing to cash in CD's to live then I will have to do that until something better comes my way.

The person who returned with me from New Orleans was around and I can say now that I have had my first relationship. Was it the best time to do that? Was I in the best condition to take that step? NO and NO. I see that now. The relationship or whatever it really was is ended and it is hard to accept as it was nice to just have someone to go out to eat with, go to a movie with, go shopping with, and to have in the house. It took away the lonliness. But after 3 months, I can see that it is all wrong in so many ways and that I have to get out of that in order to get better. My therapist agreed with me and that I am already stronger in that I can see it and realize it on my own.

The other big news through all of this is, I am now officially OUT to my brother and sister and their families. My sister and brother were talking on the phone, evidently for some time about this topic of me being gay, and my sister just point blank asked me one night on the phone. I told her that she was right. She asked me why I never said anything before and I said that it is the hardest thing to have to say to anyone and until a person is comfortable with it, it is something that most keep hidden deep. Evidently though, I thought it was hidden but it was in the open and obvious to them for many years. They are both very positive, they still talk with me, and nothing seems to have changed in the way that they interact with me after the discloser. I discussed with my therapist the issue of full discloser and how I feel that it is no ones business and that I don't feel that I have to tell everyone but in the same regard, I am not going to hide a potential friend, date, partner and while the guy from New Orleans was here we were about together and all anyone had to do was take one look at him and you would have to have been brain dead to not realize. I am not going to hide behind anything any more but in the same regard, I don't feel like I have to explain it, share it, or tell it to everyone. I will be who I am where ever I am and with whom I am with. As my sister said, I am the same person I have always been but now I can be more at ease and more open to sharing. The only thing though is the issue of how much to share? Like now with this quasi relationship ending, how much do I disclose as to why or what not. I am not planning on going into details but just saying that things didn't work out and that it is best if we both just move on with our lives.

As far as jobs go, I agree with my brother that my best opportunity for a good job lies in the Federal workforce as they continue to hire. And as my brother stated, I am actually over qualified in education and training for work in the Federal government. He told me that just inundate them with applications and that he feels by the end of August I will have a job. Maybe not necessarily where I want to be to begin with but once your in you can transfer to a location where you want to be within a couple years.

Things are looking better, I see light where I never saw it before, I still have bad days, bad times, and still have thoughts once in a while of ending things. This stuff with the relationship issues have been darker days but things are more manageable for me and I can talk to myself and tell myself that it is for the best and that things will work out. I still haven't returned to church yet as I said I was leaving for a period of time as I was mad at God. I haven't lost my faith and stilll pray and talk to God but I will return as I work through that as well. My therapist told me today that it is a long process of return, of rebuilding, of building new, and of seeing the new me but I am strong and smart and educated enough that I should make the transition smoothly and quickly.

Thanks again to everyone who wrote a reply during my darkest days and offered their ideas and opinions. What a lot of people fail to realize is that this forum and this particular part of the JUB site is the biggest support network for many of us. We all need to realize that not everyone has access to all of the services and the support system of the larger gay community. This becomes our support and our family.

 

[rareboy]

This post made my day.

I think about you often and am glad to hear that you are moving forward.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's always surprising how many people can't take that step to get help. Congratulations on having the strength to admit that you needed help and following through to get it.

And thanks for the update- it's good to hear that things are going well.

 

[scooter63]

This post made my day.

I think about you often and am glad to hear that you are moving forward.

Thanks rareboy for the comment and I am glad to hear that you think of me that often. Your comments on my thread, an in general, are blunt, pointed, and many times hard to handle but, you know what? That is exactly what is needed. It is kind of like the shove to get moving. I never took any of your comments to me as being sarcastic or uncaring but more to the point of love and care and probably desperation to get me going as you feared for me. I just got off the phone with another person who I just met and who I shared some of my story with and he phoned again today to see how I am doing and told me to call whenever I need. I am eager to get going but I need to keep reminding myself that it is baby steps and not leaps. Aesops story of the tortise and the hare is where I need to be, sure but certain will win the day.

 

[StlKj]

While this might sound weird coming from a stranger on the internet, I just have to say that I am so proud of you, and I'm excited for you in taking further steps to enjoying your life.