What should I do next...?

[G-Lexington]

I don't think you need to "bury your emotions". You just need to get on top of them, and get beyond them. And I don't think slitting around waiting for the guy who said he didn't want to BUT MAYBE IN THE FUTURE HE'D LIKE TO EXPERIMENT WITH YOU, BECAUSE HE DID NOT IN ANY WAY TURN YOU DOWN is the right way to go about it. Instead of finding a guy who IS interested in you - right now - you're waiting for a possibility. A possibility which I think is very remote. Maybe you think there's a very good or excellent chance that he'll decide to experiment with you. Sorry, I'm not in that camp. But should I be wrong about this - and I have been wrong many many MANY times - feel free to post back here in great detail about the blowjob you gave him, and how the gargoyle's advice to not live life to the fullest was utter bullisht. It wouldn't be the first time.

And no, I don't think you should apologize. Unless you think it's a good opportunity to broach the subject again. He knows you're interested, and so if he decides he's interested, he'll contact you.

No biscotti for me, thanks - still dieting.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't think you need to "bury your emotions". You just need to get on top of them, and get beyond them. And I don't think slitting around waiting for the guy who said he didn't want to BUT MAYBE IN THE FUTURE HE'D LIKE TO EXPERIMENT WITH YOU, BECAUSE HE DID NOT IN ANY WAY TURN YOU DOWN is the right way to go about it. Instead of finding a guy who IS interested in you - right now - you're waiting for a possibility. A possibility which I think is very remote. Maybe you think there's a very good or excellent chance that he'll decide to experiment with you. Sorry, I'm not in that camp. But should I be wrong about this - and I have been wrong many many MANY times - feel free to post back here in great detail about the blowjob you gave him, and how the gargoyle's advice to not live life to the fullest was utter bullisht. It wouldn't be the first time.

And no, I don't think you should apologize. Unless you think it's a good opportunity to broach the subject again. He knows you're interested, and so if he decides he's interested, he'll contact you.

No biscotti for me, thanks - still dieting.

Lex

I’m with you. From what the other guy supposedly said (emphasis mine):

Another friend told my friend with whom I'm in "love" that he wanted to do something with him. And my friend said no. He was not angry or something, he just turned him down.

"I wouldn't do anything with a man. The only thing I could do is to let a man blow me. Nothing else. And I'm telling you that would be in the worst situation".

He told me "It's ok to want to experiment. But I don't want to. Anyway, letting a man blow you doesn't mean that you are gay".

And he was like "I don't want to experiment, at least not right now. So why don't you try someone else?"

he was like "I don't want to do it but I don't swear so!"

It sounds like the other guy was just trying to be nice about his refusal. His first response was to say no every time.

I think there’s a bit of selective hearing going on.

 

[gustischafer]

Well, anyway, thank you all for your advice! You made me understand some things. But now something else weird happened...

So, I and this friend of mine were talking yesterday and we ended up talking about sexual stuff, porn and girls (I am bisexual so I didn't have to pretend!) And then I asked him if he had ever watched gay porn. And these were his exact words:
"Yes, I have watched. And I continue watching gay porn. I wanted to see how it is".
And I asked: "So, do you like it?"
And he said "I don't love it, but it is not bad. It's not like straight porn. But I want to see something different, that's why I watch them".
I said: "So, are you bi?" (This didn't sound bad to him cause we are very close friends)
And he said: "No I am not. I'm telling you I watch them cause I want something different. But I don't find it disgusting or something".

Well we continued talking about it. I was like: "No offence, but straight people don't watch gay porn and when they do it's just for once or twice".
And he was like "No, it's not like that. Anyway, I am not bi or gay, i just want something different".

So people PLEAEAEASE help! I am soooooo confused!

Do (absolutely) straight guys say such stuff? Do they watch gay porn so regularly and do they kinda like it? Cause my friend sounds to me like bisexual...

 

[rareboy]

So people PLEAEAEASE help! I am soooooo confused!

We can't offer help to your friend.

He's not asking for it.

It is his life.

You don't need advice either. Except to leave the guy the fuck alone and stop trying to make him admit anything or be what you wish him to be.

Just.

Leave.

Him.

Alone.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, this is going such odd places I'm beginning to wonder how many of these qualifiers this guy actually said, and how many came out of your imagination because you desperately want him to want you. Plus it seems you keep coming in here looking for someone to tell you he's gay and wants you to have sex with him, and that he'll realize that if you just keep pushing it.

I'm not sure I'm buying it anymore. If you're that desperate for validation, all your comments are suspect. What is he actually saying, and what is your wishful thinking. Notice that even in these conversations, from your perspective, he's still saying no.

The tone of that whole porn conversation sounds off. So if he did actually say that to you, one wonders why you didn't get to the point and proposition him. Could it be that you are fully aware that he isn't at all interested and you just refuse to accept it.

Or is this just spinning out drama for the sake of drama.

 

[bankside]

There are a lot of people who are willing to do almost anything gay as long as they still get to call themselves straight.

Nobody has to enjoy the idea of a same-sex experience. But if they like the idea enough to willingly try it, then they are bi-curious. If they like it enough to try it again and again, they are bisexual or gay. So your friend who says "just because i might enjoy a blowjob from a guy, it doesn't mean anything...." is just kidding himself. If he is truly curious to enjoy the idea, he is not straight. When he says he is straight, he is enjoying a fantasy or a fetish about being straight even though he isn't.

Some gay guys feel the need to dress up in a furry animal suit to enjoy sex. Some gay guys feel the need to dress up like the police man from "The Village People" to enjoy sex. Other gay guys feel the need to pretend they are straight. They aren't.

It is ridiculous to take it seriously, or as anything more than a game. People are allowed to "be themselves" but they don't get to "define themselves."

The other factor is that a lot of people lack the courage to be themselves. This group is filled with people who are willing to do almost anything gay as long as they still get to pretend that it disgusts them. As long as they still get to look down on gay people as deviants, even if they are sleeping with them. That is messed up. I hope you don't waste your time with any of that.

 

[G-Lexington]

You're not clear if this is the same friend or a different friend. But whatever it is, my advice (such as it is) remains the same.

If someone says they're straight, believe them.
No matter how effeminate they might seem.
No matter how much gay porn they watch.
No matter how many times they've had sex with guys.

Because it means one of two things. Either they ARE straight, or they're unwilling to appear anything other than straight to you. You've let him know you're bisexual. That's his cue that he can say the same to you. He didn't. So he's straight, or straight-when-it-comes-to-you. That's all you need to know.

Lex

 

[gustischafer]

So let's get started for once more:

rareboy, you seem to have understood absolutely NOTHING! So I won't bother explaining or even commenting on what you said.

TX-Beau, you are sooo wrong. I won't say why now, you'll read it just beneath... Oh and what exactly would my benefit be if I was lying about these stuff? If I wanted to live in my own fantasy and imagination I wouldn't bother starting up a thread. Sounds pretty right, doesn't it???

bankside, thanks a lot!

Lex, I suppose I thank you too just because you bothered listening to me (however you could be a little bit more... kind??!)

Now, I have made my decisions. I won't bother my friend anymore (by the way he insisted on telling me that he had no problem). I will just have him as a friend no matter how I feel. It's not the first time in my life that I got disappointed, although this is the most intense one. The only thing that matters to me right now is that I am in real pain because of all this (I suppose you have understood how much I loved/I was obsessed with this guy, so much like no one ever before).

I think I'll try to stick to one of my favourite phrases: "Time heals every single wound"!

Thanks again!

 

[G-Lexington]

I try to be kind when the situation warrants. But when I see somebody about to make a colossal blunder, I tend not to say "Well, gee, perhaps you might not want to do that." I say, "Wait, are you insane?" Sometimes, people don't need kind words and a real good heart - they need somebody laying the facts bare and spelling things out in (the harshest) black and white. That's the tactic I chose to take here, because I felt it was most likely to get the desired result. The fact that you've chosen to not pursue anything, to me, means I got the desired result. I'm sorry if you felt hurt by anything I said, but then again, I'm not sorry if by doing so I helped you come to (what I think is) the right decision.

And yes, it hurts to fall for someone you can't have. I mentioned bemoaning the fates after the guy I hit on turned me down. Part of that involved sitting on the floor of my shower crying as the warm water poured over me. Yes, it hurt, but it was important. It was important that I realize that this wasn't gonna happen. It was important that I cry about it if I had to, but then work on accepting it. Because only by doing so was I able to emerge with my friendship intact, where I could hang out with him and not feel tempted to try to seduce him, or see if he had changed his mind, or try anything at all. To just say "He's a friend, a good friend, and that's all", and find that acceptable. And, of course, start looking outward for somebody who actually DID want to go to bed with me.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I say "move on", I know very well that sometimes that's extremely difficult. But that doesn't mean that that's bad advice. Quite often, the right thing to do is the painful thing to do. But that doesn't make it any less right.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

gustischafer:

I'm still on my coffee break but I will step in for a moment to comment that Lex is among the more gentle of the advice-givers in the forum.

If you've prompted what you consider an "un-kind" response from Lex, then you've really gone into a really reckless, stubborn place. Lex eventually runs out of patience, but it takes a while.

If Lex is telling you that what you're doing is insane, I would listen.

Back to my coffee break now.

 

[gustischafer]

Thanks, Lex. I think that you (I guess everyone in this thread) have misunderstood my intentions and mostly my feelings. You mentioned that it was indeed some kind of girlish crush, which is not at all true. I guess at least you might understand my emotional situation right now. I feel totally shit... I am not sure if I have ever felt like this before... Anyway, life is life, I guess.

KaraBulut: Enjoy your coffee!

 

[CTorontoC]

Having had one-way (non-reciprocal) oral sex with a str8 guy before I can tell you it's not worth it. Yes, you do get to live out a big fantasy but when it's all over you realize there wasn't much to it. You orally pleased someone who doesn't feel the slightest attraction to you and only views you as a backup plan when nothing desirable is available. You wont feel good about yourself after, and in all likelihood he wont want to do it again (my guy never did anyways).

Personally, I didn't do it with a friend, but a stranger so I can't say it will ruin your friendship but truthfully I think it would. I say this because I've had things happen in the reverse. I started off fucking the guy but then we became friends and once the friendship set in we could no longer have sex. My guessing is that if you start off as friends then have sex you may no longer be able to be friends.

I tried to avoid repeating what others already said, although it's valid, so that you'd have another angle to look at it from - another negative angle. So in reality you shouldn't feel bad or disappointed that you've missed out because you didn't miss out on anything but a head trip you don't want.

 

[rareboy]

It's not the first time in my life that I got disappointed, although this is the most intense one. The only thing that matters to me right now is that I am in real pain because of all this (I suppose you have understood how much [STRIKE]I loved[/STRIKE]/I was obsessed with this guy, so much like no one ever before).

And it wont be the last.

And I understand your problem completely.

 

[954dude]

My experience with these situations have been negative. Each time I've spoken to a friend about experimenting, they SEEM gung ho on doing it, then back out at the last minute and there's an awkwardness in our friendship.

In the last 2 months, there was a period where 3 male friends of mine wanted to be intimate with me and nothing happened. They avoided me for some reason and I wasn't the aggressor. Shit happens.

 

[gustischafer]

Well, today I met my friends and this friend we're talking about was there as well. And thank God, really thank God, the atmosphere between us was not at all awkward. On the contrary, we had a great time and we laughed and you know, we were like before! Wow, I didn't expect that. I expected at least some awkwardness, but mostly I thought that my friend would be distant. I'm happy that this didn't influence our friendship at all!!!

 

[G-Lexington]

Cool.

Lex