What should I do?

[RicanDAB]

Dude,

It's possible to be on the down-low. I have friends who would probably be surprised (shocked even) when the find out that I have had at least 2 long-term gay relationships right under their noses. I'm not proud of that fact, because I would rather have them know that I am happy than think that I have been too busy to have a relationship and be tied down. They think I am lonely and am working too hard and not having a social life.

You seem so gung-ho about being with a guy that I would be afraid that you might want to jump on the "I love you" bandwagon too soon. And that my friend will scare many away! I mean, I have only been with my boyfriend for 3 months and I am still not ready to tell him that (though the way things are going, it could well be working towards it). My advice is to take it slow - start with meeting some guys online that are like-minded. If you're into bars, that is fine - perhaps go to ones that are not so close to your home. But keep in mind that finding a guy at a bar that is relationship-minded may be a shot in the dark.

Not sure if you will ever become like me - but I am personally tired of the closet and have recently started the coming out process. It's hard, very hard. But I want to reap the benefits and happiness that everyone else here is talking about when they come out.

Good luck buddy!

 

[Kulindahr]

Really I probably just want another guy that I can just be me around, none of the constant lying and always trying to not let my secret out to.

Probably so. And that's something that's very important!

I've met some guys in bars who are there by themselves, meeting other guys -- and their regular friends don't know. It's a halfway situation, one foot in each of two worlds, but it can be helpful to have somewhere even a little firm to step before trying to make it into one big world that's all yours.
I guess you kinda go "undercover" and meet some guys.
Good luck!

 

[luminum]

I know it seems so dismal, but if your friends are really close as you say, then they'll accept you when you tell them and if they can't then you guys really weren't as close as you thought and that 'love' wasn't genuine.

I think it's going to be hard to live ont he down-low and it's no good for your self-esteem having to lie. And really, don't your close friends deserve to know the truth? And shouldn't you deserve to live your life openly with people who support you instead of lying and wondering if they'd abandon you?

 

[RicanDAB]

I would love to come out in a heartbeat. But that would probably mean losing some of my friends. My friends and I are way closer than the average group of friends in high school. We tell eachother we love each other all the time. Really I probably just want another guy that I can just be me around, none of the constant lying and always trying to not let my secret out to.

I surely will not be the last person to tell you this, but if these people were really your friends, they would still love you even if you told them you were gay. And if you lose your friends, there will be others who will accept you for who you are!

Believe me, I have been where you are right now - as have been many other guys here. You're TERRIFIED of being out and afraid of being abandoned. After years of feeling that way - I am finally getting tired of it and I am just starting to not care anymore. Most of my straight friends do not know I am gay and when I tell them, it will be clear who was my friend and who was not. The thing is that you were always gay even before the revelation, and a real friend would not allow the situation to change.

Now if only I can muster up the strength to come full circle with my advice and get the ball rolling with this coming out thing - I will be happy to not sound like a hypocrite!

 

[just_mills]

It's possible for people not to find out bro, if you're going to clubs..
Only two of my friends "know", and cos I told them.
I've got a tight selection of friends who I see daily, and they're none-the-wiser (if they are, they're not letting on to it)..

So it is possible dudifer.. And just be careful.
Hopefully you wont need to be so secretive for long. Just take it one step at a time.

 

[NickCole]

Do what you feel you have to do, but living a double life is very stressful and secrets like you're talking about (going to clubs and being intimate with men) are harder to keep than most people deceive themselves into believing.

Even if things go the way you want ... if your friends love you, are as close and know you as well as you suggest, they'll certainly notice if you're happier because you're getting what you crave. Explaining that happiness will mean further deception with your friends, which means further distancing between you and these friends who are so important to you. And once they find out, it's sometimes not homosexuality that upsets a friendship as much as dishonesty and the sense of betrayal.

Friendships become more comfortable and meaningful with honesty and genuineness, and they become uncomfortable and more shallow with lying and inauthenticity. The way to protect and nourish our real relationships is by offering our genuine selves.

There ought to be no shame in wanting to give and receive affection and love. That desire says something wonderful about you. I would urge you to try to find a way to stop hiding the truth of the best part of yourself from the people who are most important to you.

 

[chobbs]

Boardin, I know how you feel man, at least about the coming out. I've found someone, and now the question of coming out has hit me a little heavier than ever before. Many of my friends are fraternity brothers of mine, and while I know that some of them wouldn't care, many would shun me if I came out. Fortunately, this doesn't bother me all that much, especially since I am taking next semester off, and more specifically because I have very close friends who I have told everything to.

I know that there will be a time when it is appropriate for me to reveal to the world who I am, but until then, I must wait.

 

[spreadeagle]

You can't be all things to all men. Your first loyalty should be to yourself rather than to your friends, in other words, you shouldn't be sacrificing your own happiness in order to maintain your friends sense of security. Coming out is one way to measure the real meaning of that friendship. If they can't accept you for what you are then why would you want to socialise with such intolerant, superficial people anyway?

If you crave a hug from another guy and your friends say they love you then how is it that they are not able to hug you now? If you and your frinds live in each others pockets as much as you imply then, no, there is no way you can go to a gay club and have a boyfriend without them finding out. Approval of the peer group seems incredibly important at your age, but in ten or even five years time you'll only know a tiny percentage of those you call 'friend' now.

 

[Roland00]

Yes it is possible,

Feel like giving a warning after reading your post. While having a gay friend/boyfriend can be very helpful in building self confidence, feeling loved and normal, and coming out; your language is sending off warning bells in my head. There is a difference between having a boyfriend/friend and becomming so emotionally attached to them, that you are like an emotional vampire. It is not healthy for you to need someone else to feel loved, it is an emotional rollercoaster, who needs drugs when you can use somebody else to mess with your Dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Seretonin levels.

What I am trying to say is find a boyfriend, but at the same time start appreciating and loving yourself Anyway when you do this it helps land the man anyway for they are attracted to confidence, happiness, and general joy

 

[Kulindahr]

What Luminum and Mills said made me want to clarify something. I don't mean live the double life forever -- just enough that if your friends ditch you like mine did, you'll have a few on "the other side" already to catch you.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day BoardinDude,

Hey mate...take it slow. You sound like a guy who has reached the point where he wants honesty, love and respect in his life....thats a great thing and something to be proud of. They are great values to have.

But I'm worried for you that you'll be hurt if you move so quickly...the fire thats burning in you to run from the closet to the arms of someone is great...dont snuff it out... it will give you the strength to face the challenges that lie ahead...but you may need to lower the wick a little to protect yourself...at least for a little while.

Like all scenes mate, the gay one has people in it who arent looking for what you are looking for. Not everyone is looking for love or even to be held. For some a relationship is the last thing on their minds. Your craving for companionship is a natural wonderful emotion that usually comes with accepting who you are. But it makes you vulnerable to be so hurt at this early stage. You really dont want to do this by yourself.

You said you have a great group of friends that you are very very close to. Boardin, as a first step why not confide in one or two of these guys/girls? You'll find that being seen as the real you...the honest, open, loving considerate guy that you are will be the start of you already feeling that you are loved and accepted for who you really are. And its easier to deal with all these new emotions that you will feel after you come out around people who you dont want to be involved with romantically.

You'll learn so much about yourself and your friends, the new levels of honesty and respect bring so much to friendships, but you'll be doing it in a safe place, where if these people care for you as much as you for them, then the last thing they will be wanting to do is hurt you. They will be offering support not trying to take advantage of you.

And then mate, with the support of others, not necessarily by your side, venture into the gay world. Open the door slowly and carefully, always remembering that your own self respect and morals are very very important. Try and temper your need to be held and loved with your right to be respected and cared for. The first guy who sweeps you off your feet may not be the right guy for you. And thats ok. The guy who takes his time to know and find the real you is most likely the one you want.

Take your time mate. Look at it as a bit of a process. Do everything you can to prepare yourself for what lies ahead. Never be afraid to ask for help or support from those around you...its what friends are for.

Good luck mate. We're with you all the way.

 

[Danugh]

Oh yes i remember there where you are now.

I like straight guys so obviously they dont want to be caught at gay bars or clubs.

There are certain places gay guys can take their closeted boyfriends and have a good time.

 

[Jeimuzu]

I'm still locked here in this closet and am desperate to even just get a hug from another guy. I am so freakin desperate to be loved by another guy. I just want someone to hug, kiss, and say "I love you" to. Is there any way I could go to gay clubs and have a boyfriend and still have no one find out? Where should I start? I'm in need of desperate advise

Start to come out. If you can't do it face to face, phone them, or IM them.

I'm truly in the same boat as you though, except that I'm partly out. I'm 18, and desperate for someone to just hug and kiss. Hell, I couldn't really care less about sex. I'm a total relationship dude...

If you want to go to gay bars, you've really gotta make gay friends. I'm off out to one tonight, and that's because I joined my university's LGBT society. Now I've got a load of cool gay guys to head out with, one of whom (well, three of them actually, but the other two are with each other lol) I have a bit of a crush on. So that's good. Maybe one of these days I'll get around to asking him out, I don't know. This is a pleasant situation for me... hell, I've still got tough hangups to get over, but that's fine. I feel like things are moving forward.

So basically, if you're at a uni, join the LGBT group. If you're not, try to find some local resources on the internet that might lead you to one. I know such societies exist, so don't worry about them not being there...

 

[3nipples]

I'm still locked here in this closet and am desperate to even just get a hug from another guy. I am so freakin desperate to be loved by another guy. I just want someone to hug, kiss, and say "I love you" to. Is there any way I could go to gay clubs and have a boyfriend and still have no one find out? Where should I start? I'm in need of desperate advise

Going to clubs should not be such a big problem in terms of someone finding out. Lots of straights go to gay clubs so it doesn't have to mean anything and besides, how come they saw you there?

Having a boyfriend is more difficult while in the closet, but when you can cross that bridge when it happens.

If you are as close to your friends as you say, then they are going to be disappointed, possibly angry, when they find out that you didn't trust them enough to confide in them and instead lied to them.

 

[Kulindahr]

That last by 3nipples is true: from one perspective this is a lose-lose situation: friends may ditch you, but they may also get upset you didn't trust them. The best friends, of course, will be happy you got the courage to tell them and say they've been waiting for you to admit it!
Or as in my case -- my best bud said he'd known longer than I had, and was waiting for me to figure it out.