What should I do???

[lostboy26]

I found this guy online almost FOUR years ago. At that time, I was looking for a quick fuck and nothing else. We never did hookup and I couldn’t care less but I have left him on my MSN – this MSN account was only meant for hook-ups so I hardly use it unless I’m horny. Every now and then, maybe once a year, he would ask me how I was doing and maybe chat for 5 minutes or so. I have been away from this city for the past 3 years and I’m back now. I was never really interested in ‘chatting’ with anyone.

Just over a week ago, I logged on. He was there and he messaged me. We talked and I told him I was back in town. For some reasons, we chatted for hours and not only that, we had chatted everyday since then on MSN. We both really “clicked” and we had many things in common. He had hinted that he would like to get to know me better and maybe develop something more than a friendship. I was ecstatic because I thought he was a great guy too – and he was smoking hot!

He asked me out so we did - yesterday. We went out to lunch, to the mall, and then to his place to watch a DVD we had rented. I caught him looking/staring at me several times while the DVD was playing. Cool, I thought! When the DVD finished, he hugged me tight and pulled me to his bed. We just hugged each other there. He asked me what I thought of him so I told him my feelings. He kissed me. Then, it was his turn and he told me what he liked about me and bla bla bla. We continued hugging and we kissed a little.

I could sense that he was trying to say something but he was struggling. I insisted that he spit it all out. He told me to hug him tight and promise that I won’t just walk away after he finished. He asked me to look straight into his eyes. Then, he held me tight and said “I actually have a BF. He is in so-and-so city. We have been together for over 2 years. The reason that I have been going to that city is to see him (he has been there 3 times this year). He is moving back here soon.” Those were his actual words! I was speechless and I did not know if I was angry or sad, disappointed or what not.

I said I felt like a ‘home wrecker’, I felt dirty and used, I felt disappointed and somewhat angry. Then he told me this “I met you before I met him. At that time, you were only looking for sex. “. I won’t deny that. Then he mumbled something like “I shouldn’t be telling you this but it has taken him (his BF) almost 2 years to finally get his visa application started. We have been arguing a lot recently.”

He kept on asking me to promise not to disappear from his life, not to ignore him and so on so forth. I walked away after a while, went home and sent him a text message saying “I promise”.

Today, he sent me a text message asking me when I would be free to hang out again. I told him I was free this weekend but he hasn’t said anything. Not sure if I’m doing the right thing...... Do you think he’s a player or is he really into me?

 

[KaraBulut]

Do you think he’s a player or is he really into me?

Does it matter?

What matters is what you want.

If you want NSA sex, someone to hang out at his convenience, someone to sneak around with, someone who maybe kinda sorta mighta one day make a commitment (or not), then you've found what you're looking for.

On the other hand, if you looking for a conventional relationship with someone that you can trust, well.. this probably isn't going to be it.

 

[texpatriot]

...... Do you think he’s a player or is he really into me?

Not that simple.

My Great-Grandma use to say, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Meaning that, what you've shared in this post, he wanted you when you were swinging your dick on a hookup site, but he found an out of country boyfriend since then.

Sounds to me what he's asking you to do is to "wait in the wings" in case that relationship doesn't work out.

So it falls back to you. What do you want?

 

[xXSeanXx]

Not that simple.

My Great-Grandma use to say, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Meaning that, what you've shared in this post, he wanted you when you were swinging your dick on a hookup site, but he found an out of country boyfriend since then.

Sounds to me what he's asking you to do is to "wait in the wings" in case that relationship doesn't work out.

So it falls back to you. What do you want?

I agree. I would have just stood up, walked out and never looked back.

That should have been the first thing he told you

 

[lostboy26]

Perhaps I should not have used those terms or maybe I was just too angry. There was NO sex involved, we were only cuddling and the occasional kissing.

Not that simple.

My Great-Grandma use to say, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

Meaning that, what you've shared in this post, he wanted you when you were swinging your dick on a hookup site, but he found an out of country boyfriend since then.

Sounds to me what he's asking you to do is to "wait in the wings" in case that relationship doesn't work out.

So it falls back to you. What do you want?

If I remembered correctly, the reason why we did not hook up four years ago was because he was not into NSA sex. Makes it all the more confusing!

I totally agree with you – maybe he’s using me as a backup. We chatted on MSN for hours today and I confronted him. He had told me that “if we met earlier, chances are we would be BFs by now”, and “I don’t know how to describe this feeling but you are like someone in between a good friend and a lover”.

I asked him “why didn’t you just tell me that it will never happen? Or do you want me to keep on trying?”. He said “Nothing is certain in this world so I cannot say it will not happen. If I told you to keep on trying, that would make me a selfish bitch”.

 

[texpatriot]

I don't envy the position that you're in.

After more then four years there definitely sounds like there's still an attraction between you two.

But look at it this way, if he's willing to ditch a boyfriend of more than two years, who's been struggling to get his visa passport together in order to be with him, and now he's asking you in essence to be his back up plan, this guy is a cheater.

If he's willing to do something like that to his current "boyfriend" how can you ever be sure that somewhere down the road that he won't do the same thing to you?

I'm sorry, I'm just saying.

 

[KaraBulut]

The sad thing about all this is that he's created a situation in which someone will get hurt- either you or the other guy.

Is that the kind of person that you want to be with?

 

[lostboy26]

I don't envy the position that you're in.

After more then four years there definitely sounds like there's still an attraction between you two.

But look at it this way, if he's willing to ditch a boyfriend of more than two years, who's been struggling to get his visa passport together in order to be with him, and now he's asking you in essence to be his back up plan, this guy is a cheater.

If he's willing to do something like that to his current "boyfriend" how can you ever be sure that somewhere down the road that he won't do the same thing to you?

I'm sorry, I'm just saying.

Thanks for being so blunt with me - it's true that if he could do it to him, I could be next.

See, I'm not quite sure what really is thinking. If I have read what he has said yesterday correctly, he was kinda pissed at his current boyfriend because he did say "I'm not sure if I should tell you this but it's taken him almost 2 years to finally get started on his visa paperwork". It sounded to me like he's been bugging his BF to get his paperwork together a long time ago.....

Maybe I am just comforting myself, I don't know.

 

[lostboy26]

The sad thing about all this is that he's created a situation in which someone will get hurt- either you or the other guy.

Is that the kind of person that you want to be with?

True!

One part of me thinks that I should not interfere with a 'working relationship' yet another part of me tells me I should think for myself and fight for what I want.

 

[TX-Beau]

Second.......

 

[KaraBulut]

A bit harsh but that's the underlying message of what I was thinking.

Never settle for less than what you want or less than you deserve.

And nobody deserves to be the "backup plan". Either he needs to commit or he needs to let you off the hook.

But honestly, knowing that he would do this to someone he was with for 2 years and with the related immigration issues- would you ever really be able to trust him? It's probably better that you take care of yourself and make the decision for him.

But it is your decision.

 

[texpatriot]

Thanks for being so blunt with me - it's true that if he could do it to him, I could be next.

You're welcome.

I have a reputation amongst my closest friends that if you don't want to know the truth then don't ask me.

See, I'm not quite sure what really is thinking. If I have read what he has said yesterday correctly, he was kinda pissed at his current boyfriend because he did say "I'm not sure if I should tell you this but it's taken him almost 2 years to finally get started on his visa paperwork". It sounded to me like he's been bugging his BF to get his paperwork together a long time ago.....

That or his boyfriend snorts when he laughs, or squeezes the toothpaste from the middle instead of from the end, or leaves used dental floss on the toilet, or dirty dishes in the sink, or wears clothes that look unattractive on him, or any other number of faults that can piss anyone of us off about our boyfriends.

No matter how attractive the guy is, how nice looking, how big his dick, pecs, or checking account are, no matter how great they are in bed, or endearing, there's always somebody somewhere that's sick and tired of their shit.

My last post stands.

If he can do it to this guy he can do it to you.

Maybe I am just comforting myself, I don't know.

There's nothing wrong with desire. Desire inspires us to improve ourselves, to give us goals to become the ideal of the person that we want to be, or to be with.

If you ever find yourself not wanting to be this guys current boyfriend, then why would you want to be with this guy?

That's all I'm saying about the current situation.

 

[lostboy26]

Thank you guys for all your thoughts, concerns and advices.

We have been talking a lot on MSN, and he has called to chat with me last night.

I think I am doing a lot better today and I have come to realize that at the end of the day, he is not available and I should respect his relationship with his bf. I told him just that.