What the fuck just happened? Another ex thread.

[saymyname]

According to facebook, his new bf just dumped him.

What goes around, comes around.

 

[sentirpromesas]

Honey, you need to stop. All this facebook stalking is not healthy. How do I know? Well, I'm guilty of it. I was dumped by a cheater-liar-all-around-terrible-guy-I-still-sorta-kinda-may-love guy.You feel as you didn't get out of the relationship what you put in to it. It's understandable. That is why you keep trying to get him to talk to you. You really don't wanna be with him anymore. But NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING he says will make you happy.
That is the truth. He can admit to how horrible of a person he is, and how terrible he was to you, but it will not matter. You will still feel cheated. You will still want something, ANYTHING to show for everything you risked, gave, and sacrificed for the relationship.
The problem is no longer him; It's you. And that's not a bad thing. Take this time to find yourself again. Avoid anything remotely to do with him because it will make you mad. FURIOUS. I slashed my ex's tires one night after stalking his facebook page and seeing him with the guy he cheated on me with as his default. I've been there. But I've also gotten out.
Now, I don't feel anger anymore towards him. But it has taken time. You can't heal a burn if you're in the fire. Let yourself heal. You deserve it for yourself.

 

[saymyname]

Honey, you need to stop. All this facebook stalking is not healthy. How do I know? Well, I'm guilty of it. I was dumped by a cheater-liar-all-around-terrible-guy-I-still-sorta-kinda-may-love guy.You feel as you didn't get out of the relationship what you put in to it. It's understandable. That is why you keep trying to get him to talk to you. You really don't wanna be with him anymore. But NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING he says will make you happy.
That is the truth. He can admit to how horrible of a person he is, and how terrible he was to you, but it will not matter. You will still feel cheated. You will still want something, ANYTHING to show for everything you risked, gave, and sacrificed for the relationship.
The problem is no longer him; It's you. And that's not a bad thing. Take this time to find yourself again. Avoid anything remotely to do with him because it will make you mad. FURIOUS. I slashed my ex's tires one night after stalking his facebook page and seeing him with the guy he cheated on me with as his default. I've been there. But I've also gotten out.
Now, I don't feel anger anymore towards him. But it has taken time. You can't heal a burn if you're in the fire. Let yourself heal. You deserve it for yourself.

Oh my goddd. Who are you and why can't we have coffee together?

"You feel as though you didn't get out of the relationship what you put into it"

SO TRUE!

"You don't really want to be with him anymore"

right again!

Mad. Furious. Doing crazy shit. YES. Been there.

Wow. I read you loud and clear. But it boggles my mind the fact that people are like this and we can both say "may-still-sorta-love." You're also right about how none of this makes me feel any better. In fact, I felt good when I found that out about him getting dumped, but then I also felt bad: what if he kills himself, what if he feels awful, oh wait he deserves it, oh but I loved this person I would never really want him to be hurt, oh fuck, maybe if I didn't spaz out and we stayed friends now we'd have a chance to go back, wait why would I even want to go back with someone who treated me so badly, etc. You're right. It's not him, it's me. If you have any thoughts on why when this kind of thing happens people in our situations even have any kind of sympathy or compassion for bad guys left, please share your thoughts. I mean, realistically, I'm just like, fuck, he deserves it, and then this weird part of me feels BAD for him, bad for what I said, bad, bad, bad. And then I just kick myself for even wondering or considering that maybe if I wasn't so spastic, we'd still have been friends this whole time, they'd still break up right now, and maybe we could have mended, but then I'm like what the fuck is so wrong with me that I would even think about how I could possibly ever consider taking this manipulative, lying, immature cheating prick back?! After everything he put me through, and now just cheated on another guy.

I guess it's because I saw so much potential in him and this unrealistic part of me is always wishing he could live up to my expectations. Maybe that's it? I'm wanting him to be a different person than he really is.

I'm really glad I made this thread.

 

[hotatlboi]

Cutting contact at first was a mutual decision. I thought it'd be okay to talk by now.

Dude, we haven't talked in like a month and half, two months, and I was trying to open up some decency.

Cutting off contact doesn't mean you take a break for a month and then start talking again. It means... you know... you cut off contact, lol.

 

[sentirpromesas]

the reason why you feel bad is because you know, deep inside, he isn't a bad person. No one really is. We do bad things, but we are not necessarily bad people.

There were reasons why you loved them. Those reasons are, for the most part, still there. Actions can't really change that. That's why people often return to cheaters or abusers; something we love is still there (and because psychological dependence but I won't go into that.)

some of us love very intensely. CRAZY intensely. we give our all to the relationship, and though we don't say it, we expect CRAZYlove back.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know from my experience that I did many things to alienate my boyfriend. I was CRAZY after all. Because of my actions, I lead him to feel alone. Loneliness is a relationship killer. Once one feels lonely, he will begin to find ways to fill that loneliness. Sometimes it's healthy; they will take up cooking, or working out, or writing. Other times it's not healthy; they will find solace in booze, drugs, the arms of another guy.

you will hate him for a while. I promise you that. your little heart will love like the tides, oscillating between hating and loving him. between wanting him and wanting him beneath a bus. you will not be able to stop that. But you SERIOUSLY need to cut off ALL contact with him.

It will be hard. Trust me I know it. I hacked into his FB account to change the password and remove all his contacts; the new password: YdontUloveMeNoMore. You will have the urge to do lots of CRAZY things. But it is for you. You will survive this. And, hopefully, (if you take time to allow yourself to heal) you will come out a much stronger person and the next relationship, I guarantee it, will be much more fulfilling

 

[saymyname]

Cutting off contact doesn't mean you take a break for a month and then start talking again. It means... you know... you cut off contact, lol.

Forever!? I thought it was just until things felt kind of passed over...

 

[hotatlboi]

Forever!?

In most cases yes, unless it was agreed to be just a temporary break which it doesn't sound like.

People don't want their former lovers hitting them up to chat the next month if they've expressed a desire to cut off contact. That's awkward and if the contact was broken because feelings were hurt, then that can stir up those feelings again.

I think that's one of the things maybe you are not understanding about this situation.

You acted surprised when he didn't want to talk to you. You really had no reason to be surprised at this, as he had clearly told you before that he didn't want to talk any more. That didn't mean just for a month.

Further, since it was mostly his desire to cut contact, if there is to be a reconciliation ever, allow it to be initiated by him. Forcing your way into his face and demanding he speak with you is rude and inconsiderate, and would probably just serve to eliminate any chance that we would ever want to speak again at some point in the future.

 

[saymyname]

In most cases yes, unless it was agreed to be just a temporary break which it doesn't sound like.

People don't want their former lovers hitting them up to chat the next month if they've expressed a desire to cut off contact. That's awkward and if the contact was broken because feelings were hurt, then that can stir up those feelings again.

I think that's one of the things maybe you are not understanding about this situation.

You acted surprised when he didn't want to talk to you. You really had no reason to be surprised at this, as he had clearly told you before that he didn't want to talk any more. That didn't mean just for a month.

Further, since it was mostly his desire to cut contact, if there is to be a reconciliation ever, allow it to be initiated by him. Forcing your way into his face and demanding he speak with you is rude and inconsiderate, and would probably just serve to eliminate any chance that we would ever want to speak again at some point in the future.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you are jumping to a LOT of conclusions that you have no evidence for man. First of all, before we had the big fight based on his rebound, we had every intention of staying friends (in fact I made another thread about how earlier it was so difficult to get over him because he was still texting me almost every day).

He never told me he "didn't want to talk anymore," let alone ever again. Basically after we had the big fight, we both just stopped talking to each other completely. Based on that fight, and nothing else. We never said "never talk to me again," or even "let's not talk," it just kind of went unsaid that we couldn't be friends at the moment. I was surprised that he wasn't okay to talk by now because I didn't think he'd still be upset over the mean things I said considering WHY I said them...

Also, who said it was mostly his desire to cut contact? We both pissed it away after he informed me he was dating someone. Although I do agree any reconciliation should be made on his behalf, it's hard for me to imagine that without him somehow magically comprehending (or me apologizing) for why I flipped out on him about the rebound. I'm not going to force myself into his face again, I was just totally shocked that at this point, he still had the nerve to be angry at me, and not remember who struck those chords first. Not to mention I told him when we broke up that I might go a little crazy and hate him and say really mean things at some point, and well, I did, and he's all bent out of shape over it? A couple nasty voicemails is nothing compared to breaking up, keeping me hanging around, having sex with me, and then dating someone after a month of this. The pain that I felt from that cannot compare to me pointing out a few negative traits of his - obviously speaking out of anger - on a fucking phone call.

But you're right, I shouldn't contact him again, he probably knows the door is open if he wants to initiate that, I just wish I could somehow apologize for what I said (if that'd smooth things out), even though I meant some of it, or that he could understand why I was so angry. If I never talk to him again because he's so hurt over what I said that he'll never speak to me without me opening up with an apology that I don't feel is necessary, I'll take that regret to the grave.

 

[hotatlboi]

Ok, I'm sorry maybe I had misunderstood or forgot your previous interaction.

But wherever it was initiated, it's clear that at this point he doesn't want to talk. So I still think that it should be him to reestablish contact if that's going to happen.

It's also just not healthy to be obsessing about your ex this much, checking his status or current bf or whatever. If you are going to get over him you really need to move past this kind of stuff.

 

[KaraBulut]

Cutting off contact doesn't mean you take a break for a month and then start talking again. It means... you know... you cut off contact, lol.

Forever!? I thought it was just until things felt kind of passed over...

The only way this works is if you start a different relationship together after you end the old one.

There are people who date and then breakup but who are able to start a friendship (or in some cases maintain their pre-existing friendship) that doesn't involve all the emotions that come from being in a sexual relationship with someone. The key is that one relationship has to end and another has to begin.

The two of you have given this a shot but it's apparent that the two of you are still battling over issues in your previous relationship. As long as that continues, you will not be able to move forward with being friends. The way this is playing out, you'll both be better off if you let each other move on with your individual lives.

 

[texan_slant]

Move on;

Break-ups don't usually imply warm and fuzzy frienships afterwards cuz of all the anger emotions. If you have mutual friends, you have a slight chance, though you also have to let go for awhile and let time tell - but give it no expectation whatsoever - otherwise, you'll be perpetually disappointed.

 

[saymyname]

Thanks guys. Great advice.

 

[MorrisseyX]

I think the OP is struggling with his feelings for his ex boyfriend.It is obvious that the OP still loves his ex boyfriend and he is struggling to deal with the fact the relationship is over. The ex boyfriend has made it clear he's moved on but the OP isn't there yet, he hasn't arrived at this realization.

The ex boyfriend has gone no contact meaning he wants to move on completely with his life. I think the OP is struggling with the realization that the ex boyfriend really wants nothing to do with him anymore.

I've been in this situation but I never did what the OP did such as leaving voice mail messages or trying to hang out with the ex boyfriend.

However, I got depressed, gained weight, and I realized I allowed the ex to overwhelm me.

I had to get my life back and get control of myself.

My sister said to me "you need to get your life back, get into shape and start taking care of yourself he is gone forever."

My sister's comment just clicked and then I started going to the gym and I've lost weight and I feel good about myself.

I feel everything is getting better for me.
When it is over it is over and you just know it is over. It will be hard for the OP to accept this but he must.

He's got to realize there are other guys out there besides the ex boyfriend.

I think the OP may want to consider seeing a therapist. It could be helpful to the OP just to talk to someone about the feelings he is having.

It sound to me that the OP is really upset about this break up and that's understandable.

However, the OP has got to realize that leaving nasty voice mail messages is NOT going to get your ex back.

I know it is going to be hard but the OP has to try to stay away from his ex boyfriend to have some space to evaluate his own feelings.

I think the OP will get over his ex it may take time like a few months it might even take a year. However, the OP has to realize this relationship is over.
The OP has to ask himself "what is the point being with someone that makes me feel so unhappy?"
"What was so special about this ex boyfriend anyway?"
"What do I want for my future?"

Maybe the OP should write a journal or have a diary and really look into finding a gay therapist to talk to.

 

[justright25]

The reality is simple: there was a relationship. it ended. a friendship was agreed to, the OP is not over it and still resentful from the relationship, that resentment will not allow a friendship to exist, the OP's ex-boyfriend made the adult decision to cut off contact completely.
The OP should be respectful of that. Each person has different ways of dealing w/ closure and pain. The ex may deal with it by trying to get out and the OP by internalizing that pain. Avoidance seems to be the ex's way of grieving and it should be done.
My only suggestion is MOVE ON!!!

 

[saymyname]

To the last 2 posters, I just want to clarify: there was no formal decision to cut contact. We both just kind of stopped talking to each other after a fight. I left nasty voicemails after he informed me he was dating someone (a hypocritical move that came out of nowhere) a month after we broke up... we were still 'friends' at that point. I agree with a lot of what you both said, but I don't think that avoidance and the inability to admit the mistakes each party has made in the situation is really representative of someone who has "moved on." That's what angered me so much in the first place, was how it felt that he spent about a week mourning the break up, and then kept me hanging on as we kept on good terms, then started dating someone and was surprised at how I got upset because I was shocked that he'd do that so soon, then we both said very mean things to each other, then we stopped talking. I just wanted to try to get back on speaking terms out of decency, but he's acting like a victim due to what I said, as if it has any comparison to his actual actions. There have been no adult decisions here, he's 18. I'm not internalizing any pain, I'm very open about it, he's repressive. I don't know. What's done is done. Just don't put words in my mouth (or skew the situation) - I don't want to get back with him. Yeah, I still love him, and I want to apologize for how things have turned out. That's different than wanting someone back. I agree he's trying to get over it, but don't play all that "he's moved on" bullshit when he can't even own up to what he did. I think it hurts him as much as it hurts me and his way of dealing with that is to not open up a fresh wound, whereas I am just more into communication.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

Okay I read the first part about half way through, not gonna bother with the rest, sorry. So are you going to continue to sit in the corner and chew glass? I mean you're an adult, at least, I assume you are. A lot of what you're saying is childish and obsessive, and the more you argue the point with other JUBers on here you make it more so. Just cut your losses and move on, this isn't difficult, get back in the dating world and hey maybe instead of worrying about who he is making out with at a club, you should worry more about why you AREN'T making out with someone at a club...

 

[KaraBulut]

^^^A bit harsh but it does get to the point that probably the "relationship" part of the relationship is over.

Maybe the best thing is to let things cool down a bit and decide whether you want to try to negotiate a friendship with your ex or whether it's just better for you both to move on.

One thing is for certain- you can't continue like this. It's keeping you constantly looking backward instead of moving forward with your life.

 

[backpacker]

Since you say he's 18, I'm going to assume that you are around the same age. Sometimes when we are young we tend to lose perspective on the situation. All the little he said, he did don't really matter. The only important fact is that you are no longer together. You are obviously having a hard time fully accepting the break up. Your brain tells you one thing, but your heart says something else.

The first thing you have to accept is that you have no control over him. If he doesn't want any type of relationship, then there won't be a relationship. He is now free to do what and who he wants. You have no say in it. I have to tell you, given your behavior, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want any contact. People often go through a period of not talking after a break up. After a few months most go back to talking. You just need to give both of you some time.

For now you should focus your energy on finding a new guy. That will be the best medicine for you. Good luck!

 

[gameboy 11]

I've read your posts and it seems like you want closure by having him say the things that you want him to say and admit to the things you want him to admit to as far as his feelings go. Maybe he just can't do that.

Not hearing his side of the story you seem like the more emotional one of the pair and he seems more detached and not ready to deal with things. You have to let go and face the fact that he won't do the things you want him to do.

People contradict themselves and say one thing and do another. You also have to be willing to say that's the way some people are and those people won't live up to your expectations.

I <3 this post.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks gameboy 11. It came from a past relationship experience that was stressful and had tons of drama. I'm glad people are getting something out of it.