What the fuck should I do?

[tallguy297]

Whoa!!!!!

Guys!!!!

Calm down. Remember where you are. This is a no flame zone.

Please temper both your advice and responses with that in mind... in this zone it's always best to remember how you might feel after having bared your sole... and the emotions in all directions that get stirred up.

Please continue to offer advice and responses, but do it in a way that doesn't promote conflict or retaliation.

Thanks!

TG.

 

[condor221]

unless we watched two different brokebacks, the two guys who screwed the first night in the tent, were NOT in love,they were in lust. Nes pa? and second, I am one of the editors of the book, Brokeback Mountain,impact of a film.

 

[chatolandia]

I think the point is, that at the end of the movie, things did not end up well.

And if you decide to follow your lust, rather than a more reasonable path, you could end up losing what is really the most important thing for you.

I think your relationship is the most important thing for you, isn't it?

 

[rareboy]

Nes pa?

sic

I love it when people try to write French.

I haven't even been able to come up with anything to offer as advice to you except follow your heart, not your dick. Your heart is still in control, n'est ce pas?

You can only feel like the lying piece of shit you'd be if you cheat.

Why not ask your partner for permission first and see how that goes?

 

[StlKj]

If your partner can't physically fulfill your needs to bottom, then perhaps it's time to introduce him to some toys he can use on you. Tell him you need him to strap one on and take control. Impress upon him how much you need this. I don't think it's selfish at all for you to ask of him for something you need, and if he can't summon it up from within to do it, then there are some outside aids that could help him satisfy that urge for you.

 

[Muskox]

... I have been a cop all my life, and in charge all my life, and I guess I'm a little tired of being in charge. ....

It sounds like you know what's going on here. If all you need is anal stimulation, a Dildo would do the job just fine. It's not uncommon and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of at times. In a healthy relationship, there's a subtle shifting back and forth, one person in charge a lot of the time and the other person in charge part of the time. It's not the same urge, but we all remember how wonderful it was to have a parent that was stronger and wiser and made you feel perfectly safe and secure. A good partner should give you that feeling once in a while.

I agree that you need to talk to your partner, but I think it is not about a sexual need, more of an emotional need. If you can't express this to him or he doesn't get it, then some sort of couples therapy would be in order. Your partner may understand it better if it comes from a third party with experience and credentials.

 

[Martkell2007]

Have you talked about your lack of sexual fufillment with your partner?

 

[condor221]

Please pardon my french, college french was a long time ago.

To the guys who gave advice without judgment, thank you.

 

[hotatlboi]

Have you talked about your lack of sexual fufillment with your partner?

I agree with this. Communication is the key. If you just try to supress your sexual desires that will only lead to more problems.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Hi condor221!

Haven't you tried using...TOYS? Because let me tell you (and I know this migh sound silly coming from someone half your age) what you repress only gets stronger until one day it comes out in an unexpected way you can't control and it'll make things worse.

So don't repress your feelings, channel them as someone else said. FInd a way to make you and your partner happy in a healthy way. Wy don't you try using toys? A vibrator or a Dildo or a strap on! That way you can be topped by your partner and you'll spice things up.

 

[supergurl]

Updates???

 

[NineOfClubs]

This just shows what damage the "Hetro" idea of sexual fidelity does to gay relationships.

The idea that any two people can satisfy each others sexual desires for the rest of their lives is just not realistic.

A healthy relationship is one where sexual contact with other people is part of it - also the fresh ideas from other guys both of you bring to your relationship helps keep it alive.

AS for "dumping" a partner of many years - that just shows you never loved him from the start.

There is far more to Love than just sex - but having sexual outlets outside of your partnership is maybe necessary to keep a relationship alive long term.

One thing Gay Lovers should not buy into is the heterosexual idea of sexual exclusivity

Most of what AsianDream says is how I see things too.

Condor, I would encourage you to not cheat (especially with a married man) but to talk with your BF about opening up your relationship. I wonder if he (and you) would be able to consider sex and love two different things. You seem to need an honest outlet for your sexuality, one that is unavailable to you in your present situation.

I do disagree with the above statement that leaving your partner means you never loved him from the start. How unobservant--many long loving relationships come to an end, when circumstances change, and all the previous love is not cancelled out.

Also, I commend you, and respect you for the 35 years you've had together. Do realize that many of those who have been critical of you on this forum--well, most of them haven't done even 35 months with another guy and, if they have, it's still unlikely that they will ever have a relationship as long lasting as yours.

I do hope that an honest talk with your partner about this touchy and somewhat painful subject will help to open new doors for you.

 

[condor221]

Thanks Nine, appreciate your comment. I decided to not go camping and I purposely made the married guy mad on the internet, so there is no chance of my changing my mind and still going. Yes, I realize that these guys for the most part don't have a clue what it is to be in a 35 year relationship, and STILL be in love as much if not more then day one. My guy would not be into an open relationship, which is why I haven't proposed it. So, will do with porn, imagination, and jerk off for the other need. Peace.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think you made the right call, condor. But feel free to let your partner know you wouldn't mind "shaking things up" in the bedroom a bit.

Lex

 

[NineOfClubs]

Thanks Nine, appreciate your comment. I decided to not go camping and I purposely made the married guy mad on the internet, so there is no chance of my changing my mind and still going. Yes, I realize that these guys for the most part don't have a clue what it is to be in a 35 year relationship, and STILL be in love as much if not more then day one. My guy would not be into an open relationship, which is why I haven't proposed it. So, will do with porn, imagination, and jerk off for the other need. Peace.

condor, I'm coming back to this. I've been thinking about your situation for days.

First, a "law" I obey is--be honest. I do believe that the truth can set us free.

So, even though you think your BF wouldn't be into an open relationship, you haven't asked him lately, have you? And he probably thinks you're a total top who's never cheated, too. It might be time to be truthful with each other, and to try to find some sort of accommodation.....

You know Dan Savage, don't you? What would he tell you to do? Not what most of the guys on this forum have suggested, you know--stifle yourself, don't go after what you want, keep it all secret, stay with what you have, hush hush, shame, etc. etc..

Maybe the shelf life on your relationship with this guy is 35 years, maybe not. Most guys won't ever get even that much, will they? Maybe it's time for a change, a new phase. Maybe not. But, I'd recommend asking the BF to give you what you want, level with him about your needs--put the ball in his court. If he doesn't want to budge at that point, or consider changing to save what you two have together; then it really is him, not you, that is bailing on the relationship.

Look, the two of you aren't communicating. Maybe he has secrets of his own, like he's seeing someone, or he wants a new start. Whatever. You need to put the cards on the table and just talk.

 

[G-Lexington]

9, come on.

This guy is having problems in the bedroom. He's been a top forever, and he's lost interest in the same-ol-same-ol in the sack with his partner.

You seem to think there are only two ways for this to play out - either he can resign himself to being miserable for the rest of his life with his partner, or declare an open relationship. And if the partner doesn't like the idea of an open relationship, hey, obviously the relationship's over, right?

Seriously?

OP has fooled around a bit on the side, decided he likes certain things, and hasn't bothered telling his partner. That's like deciding you really want shrimp for dinner, then getting upset that you keep getting served chicken or beef, so announcing that it's time to bring in other cooks.

Geez, if you want shrimp, ASK FOR IT.

The OP is in a 35-year pattern. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's fairly easy for people to start thinking that that's the way it is. And it's not the partner's fault for thinking so if the OP isn't going to say anything. Sometimes we need to be alerted to the fact that there's a problem. And jumping straight to the ultimatum is a BS move, I think. If my partner wants me to do the dishes more often, or be more aggressive in bed, or whatever, I'd like him to start with a request. "Hey, can you start doing the dishes every night?" Not "Do the dishes every night, or it's over."

Could an open relationship work here? Yes. Possibly. But it's a HUGE change on a 35-year relationship. It's altering the entire foundation that this relationship is built on. And I wouldn't recommend bringing it in as a "cure to fix all ills" until other, simpler solutions have been tried.

Most LTRs tend to be sexually exclusive, and that's a generally agreed-to thing with most people. You might think that's utterly misguided, that it's gays conforming to a false heterosexual ideal, but I've certainly found many couples who have no trouble with it. And 9, I've said it before - I do NOT have any issue with open relationships, provided that it's something that's agreed to by both parties at the outset. Perhaps you read all the advice above as an indictment to your "lifestyle choice", but it certainly wasn't so from me.

I don't know Dan personally, but I've read enough of him to know that his first suggestion wouldn't be "talk to your partner about opening the relationship". It'd be" talk to your partner about topping you". And I've read enough to know that what works for me doesn't work for everybody else. If being in an open relationship has made you and your partner happy, that's killer. That doesn't mean being in an open relationship is the answer to everybody's ills. If what worked for me worked for everybody, I'd send all the people here looking for a boyfriend to the online video game where I met mine.

Lex

 

[NineOfClubs]

^Lex,, it might read that way. Wasn't supposed to...

I wasn't trying to say that it had to be a open relationship, or else. I thought I was saying, talk, lay your cards out on the table, give the partner the same information you're operating on, and then work out an accommodation.

The partner can try topping, he might like it. Maybe they can be one of those "committed but play together" couples. Maybe the OP can be given one "free pass" weekend a month. The point is that keeping all this secret from the partner and the stifling of urges--well, won't that just make matters worse?

 

[capper269]

Condor, I think you made the right decision for now, and commend you. For the future, and for other readers that may now or in the future experience something similar and find this thread, I would like to offer my opinion on this type of thing.

Pretending you made the other decision, let's think out a possible future scenario. You make the trip, have awesome sex, and then come home. Your partner finds out, or you tell him, and your friend's wife finds out, or he tells her, and all the sudden everyone's life is messed up. You and your guy split, your friend and his wife split, your friend and/or you get upset about what happened and split, and now everyone that used to have a relationship is now alone and miserable. It might have not happened that way, but that is the normal conclusion of such things. And, even though earlier posters referred to something called 'hetero' sexual exclusivity, I don't really think there is any such thing. As a student of human psychology and behavioral development, we human beings have a very strong instinct to protect our mates, offspring, territory, and possessions. It is one of our 'primal instincts.' We bond with our mates physically, spiritually, emotionally, and chemically. Because of that, something "clicks" inside us when we experience our mate "being with" someone else that isn't "me" and we are affected on several levels. When you share your life with someone for a great deal of time, it is normal for the novelty of lovemaking to wear off because you are so accustomed to each other. However, that isn't a good reason for destroying a long-term relationship where everything else is fine. Working together, there are ways to restore novelty and joy. If there are other aspects of the relationship that are failing also, then maybe some professional counseling should be sought. The dissolution of a long-term relationship is not only painful, but carries a sting for the remainder of your life, and makes future relationships more difficult.

Further, it isn't really fair to the partner when one has an affair with someone else, especially if it is already known that they aren't keen on open relationships. That harms trust and causes a feeling of betrayal. It's normal to be attracted to others while you are in a relationship. We are just wired that way. Acting (or not) on those attractions is what makes the difference.

Ultimately, the bottom line is communication. You may be dissatisfied with things the way they are, but your partner may be completely satisfied, and oblivious to the fact that you aren't. He'll stay that way, while your dissatisfaction grows, until you talk to him. If you've been together this long, you should be able to talk to each other on this level. You may even find out your partner has been silently dissatisfied (just like you) as well, thinking you were the one that was fine with things as they are, and now you both have a chance to be creative and adventurous together--it might be fun!

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the matter. Feel free to accept or ignore them.

 

[michaelarchangel]

Wow! 35 years thats impressive. Its probably filled with laughter and tears and some big fights. Somehow you both have managed to stay together. I suspect that you each take life day by day, kinda casual. You are the one that takes care of almost everything...from your perspective. So now you have arrived at a point in time where you are tired of pleasing everyone and want to be in the passengers seat for awhile, except that there is no one there to drive the car. You might consider finding different ways to force him to be in control. Say you want to do something or go somewhere, leave it up to him to plan it. Now because i have been in this situation before, I found out that the reason that he stopped doing anything was because I was being judgmental. Of course I didn't see it that way but he did. Body language is such a bitch it reveals everything you are not saying. So take a look at how things really are. Do you say you love him but never really show it, or vise versa. Just remember this, you are human and the feeling you have are real. How you choose to deal with them will show what kind of character you have. 35 years is a long time to stay with one person, but if its 35 to life with no chance of sexual pleasure then maybe its time to evaluate what your needs are. You only get one life, and to live it with regret is a bitch, there are no do overs. Good luck! I know you will choose correctly for all involved.

 

[rareboy]

My guy would not be into an open relationship, which is why I haven't proposed it. So, will do with porn, imagination, and jerk off for the other need. Peace.

Well done.

From someone who has been with the same guy for 26 years.